Posts Tagged ‘Albert Pyun’

 

We already talked about this one when we reviewed the original Nemesis film waaaaaay back but we finally have some concrete news… and they are not really promising. Or they are really promising if you want it reviewed on this page in the foreseeable future.

Anyway it seems that Albert Pyun failed to bring some of the old “stars” of his two franchises, namely Van Damme and Olivier Grunner.  He also failed to bring ‘roided female MMA star Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos and (I must admit an interesting choice that makes a lot of sense) Van Damme’s daughter Bianca Bree (aka Bianca Van Varenberg aka Bianca Van Damme) . It seems that all the weight is planted firmly on the shoulders of a newcomer and a lead actress a 16 year old Joei Fulco and in the MMA fighters crossover department we’re left with Kim Couture, 3rd rate fighter famous mostly for being an ex- wife of 5 time UFC Champion Randy “The Natural” Couture. The rest of the cast are Pyun regulars like Michael Pare (he’s really fallen on hard times did he?), Kevin Sorbo (the less said about his career- the better) and Sasha Mitchell.

Pyun predicts that Fulco will end up being a great star and for his (and everybody’s ) sake I hope he’s right ’cause without a charismatic lead this cheap, lo- fi SF action flick could easily end up being a complete train-wreck. Just behold insecure camera work and sub- par CGI bellow (coupled with a strange, STRANGE soundtrack choice).

Info via  http://www.dreadcentral.com

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Desecration of H.P. Lovecraft’s lifework continues even in modern age. But this time it’s not wretched Brian Yuzna who had crippled this master of horror (but after watching this I wished it was him). Now, who could do even lousier job than Yuzna, you might wonder. Who else than Albert Pyun, master of making complete calamities out of movies. He had filmed Cool Air in 2006., but he had problems finding the distributors for entire 7 years! And now I can see why.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_000276150Don’t be fooled by this! There are no visual effects here!

That something is terribly wrong here (besides the fact that Albert Pyun is director), we could notice on the very beginning, when we were tormented with intro that has been made in Powerpoint (badly if I might add), with at least 70% of the entire script written in it!!! Then, out of nowhere, we get 5 more minutes of monologue of Charlie Baxter (played by  Morgan Weisser), a struggling screenwriter who tries to find his inspiration isolated somewhere in the mountains above Malibu.  He finds accommodation in some mountain mansion. It is beginning of summer. What really pokes my eyes is too sunny and relaxed environment (yeah, even inside the mansion) that does not go along with this genre. Also, camera handling is amateurish at best, due to it’s constant shaking. Absence of slowing video in post-production (if there were any) makes me to  feel like I am watching some kind of documentary or reality show.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_000082749Fascinating!

After renting the room, Charlie starts meeting the other residences of mansion. There we have suspiciousness landlady, her autistic daughter Estella (played by Jenny Dare Paulin),  mysterious doctor in a room above him (from where some sort of fluid is dripping into his room), and strange, old man residing across the hall. The young writer seems to be mostly interested in Estella. His intentions to score with retarded girl are well known to all of us. And even to her mother, the landlady. After one of Charlie’s attempts to get closer to Estella, her mother finally gets pissed off  and orders him to pack his things and leave the house in 24h. But, instead of listening to her and getting the hell out of there before she calls a police, Charlie gets a wave of inspiration caused by recent events and lodgers. So, he sits down and starts furiously writing his long ago started and never finished “Great American Screenplay”.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_001905904This screenplay will  surely end up reviewed by Worsemovies crew.

Now keep in mind that Charlie is obviously young, strong and completely healthy man. So, it was surprise to us when he suddenly suffers heart attack while writing his story. Unable to call for help, he staggers to staircase, followed up by annoying flashes of picture camera that has been used for making this movie.  There is no one around him and he collapses. But, suddenly the doors of the upper room opens and older, ugly woman appears.  Yeah, that’s the room with cool air in it and from where fluids are dripping. Now he could complain about it (if he wasn’t almost dead, that is). He passes out, but the Doctor takes him into treatment. And he awakes in a cold room as a cured man. That room belongs to Doctor Shockner (played by Crystal Green). There, he finds out about Doctor’s special medical condition that has forced her into life in coldness.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_002187476Hm, she is not that well preserved.

Now Charlie is back to his room. Since he will be very fragile for next several weeks, Doctor Shockner had managed to convince landlady to let him stay in the mansion. Estelle was really glad to hear this, so for next couple of weeks she has been serving him with love in her eyes. Poor child. But, things are changed. After a recovery, Charlie starts spending more and more time at Doctor Shockner’s room, listening to her insights about tissue and organs preserving, and also attending her needs (not that kind of needs!) of outside world. All of that until the day  air conditioner in doctor’s room got broken which caused her starting to melt down and falling apart (shown by the worst effects of evaporation ever). Things are even worse for her due the fact that it is summertime and it is really hot outside. After one of Doctor’s fingers fell off, Estella took it and buried in the ground hoping that something will grow out of it (?!). Anyhow, this turned out to be huge shakedown for Charlie, who closed himself into his room, suffering alone and occasionally writing his screenplay. Strange old man named Deltoid from across the hall visits  Charlie to give him a comfort. Deltoid (played by Morgan’s father Norbert Weisser; best known for his episode roles in The Thing and Schindler’s List) told Charlie a sob story of how he was worker in amusement park and how he killed his wife.  Also, he revealed to young writer that he is keeping his dead wife in freezer for a long time hoping that Doctor Shockner will eventually keep her promise and restore her back to life.  In the end, he cuts his own wrists ( no blood at all; I guess ketchup was waaaaaaaaaaaay over Pyun’s budget) , lays before his dead wife in freezer and dies!!!

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_003820983She is so hot that she is steaming!!!

After Doctor’s demise, Charlie decides that it is time for him to move away, leaving behind dead old man, unhappy retarded girl, her satisfied mother, and huge pile of Shockner’s remains. We get 10 more minutes of monologue and Powerpoint presentations. The end (?)

Conclusion: I am not even sure that this can be considered as a movie. Shaky amateurish camera, bad acting, reality show style filming, monologues that seems to be recorded after the filming was over and then added in post-production (if there were any), non-existence of any kind of visual effects…. All of these things make watching this movie to be unbearable experience.  The script has absolutely nothing to do with actual Lovecraft’s story, which shouldn’t be considered as surprise since we know that Pyun’s girlfriend Cynthia Cuman was in charge of adaptation. Another scary fact are occasions that led to making this movie. Apparently, Albert Pyun had decided to take a break while working on Infection (2005), so he used those 2 weeks of pause in order to make Cool Air. Now, I always salute every attempt of filmmaking without using CGI, but Pyun shouldn’t have completely ignored this technique. It seems that Albert Pyun’s failing at making movies is progressive, as the time passes. This is, without any doubt, the worst H.P. Lovecraft adaptation in extremely strong competition. The only light spot of this monstrous cinematography attempt is music made by Anthony Riparetti. That’s the only thing that goes along with this story and genre.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_000534951Possible scriptwriter of Cool Air.

         We recently covered the ridiculous (but fun) Kickboxer IV: The Aggressor but now we got some fascinating follow-up news Director of Kickboxer IV (and also Kickboxer II: The Road Back ) Albert Pyun is considering teaming up with Sasha Mitchell once again for another Kickboxing epic, this time in the form of 12 part web series and we even have an official synopsis (although it is an early draft and some things could change before the final product emerges). You may notice that hero’s name is changed from David to Daniel due to Pyun not possessing the rights for Kicboxer franchise (that’s also considered for a reboot by a big studio) but don’t let that bother you, he’s essentially the same character. Here’s the synopsis from the Pyun-man himself!

        “In hiding in South America for the past 20 years, happy working as blacksmith and raising his family off the grid in a small high mountain village in the Andes, Daniel (SASHA MITCHELL), is reluctantly drawn into a conflict between a drug cartel and his village. In the aftermath, an old friend of Daniel’s from his days running a gym, JOE ( Michael Dudikoff?), now a DEA agent stationed in the region, offers his help.In a bigger skirmish with Cartel soldiers recognize Daniel as an ex-kickboxing champion and set out to force him to fight in UFC style fights to the death the Cartel stages deep in the Amazon jungle and Cartel territory. In an attack, Daniel’s family is captured by the Cartel and force marched deep into the amazon jungle. Danny goes after the Cartel, and, with the help of a village elder and Joe, tracks the Cartel deep into the Amazon. In the process, Daniel is captured and forced to participate in a MMA event staged by a Cartel for the pleasure of all Cartel bosses worldwide. The Pay For View signal is pirated around the world so audiences watch Daniel using his old style Muay Thai and Kickboxing against modern MMA styles.

A Pay For View Cartel event with, for Daniel, the prize his family’s life.”

Pyun  plans to start filming as soon as he’s done with Cyborg Nemesis: The Dark Rift. It could be as early as July, and setting is interestingly Ecuador. He also confirmed that he would absolutely love to include Michael Dudikoff (American Ninja, Avenging Force) as a local DEA agent and Sasha’s ally. As they worked together before on the manic Radioactive Dreams it would be timely reunion for those two.

SM

Sasha Mitchell playing with his dog, as far as we know the dog doesn’t have a role in the new Kickboxer series, yet…

What do you do when you’re faced with a stumbling franchise with it’s main star and only draw (Jean Claude Van Damme in this case) long, long gone?Hell, the only thing you really can do- bring Albert Pyun into the fold.(see under Albert Pyun). So what does Pyun offer that can potentially revitalize these films you might ask. Well that one’s easy: ton of idiotic bikers, (almost a midget) teenage Taekwondo chick, villain who wears make up in a desperate attempt to look Asian, a ninja pervert, couple of confused BJJ experts who’re not sure how they got there and some soft- core pornography. Hellyeah!

KICKBOXER 4 - THE AGGRESSORThe cool dude and the kid are not impressed!

In the begining we see the fabled third Slone brother, David Slone (Sasha Mitchell)- character who’s even existence defies the logic of the series (it’s absolutely clear from the first one that there are only two Sloan brothers. He is jailed although we are not informed of his exact crime but soon enough  gets a letter with an invitation to the greatest martial arts tournament of all times (if we exclude Bloodsport)! Invitation is kinda informal aka consists of his mortal enemy Tang Po who rubbing his nose with the fact that he has his wife as a hostage!

Somewhere around 15 minutes of his freedom and he already menages to get into a fight with some predictably dirty looking bikers. After an unimpressive victory where he threw some super- slow knees from Thai clinch he gets an offer  to go to Mexico and join the tournament… that he already had an invitation for? Hmmm… doesn’t matter!

He hitches a ride to Mexico. Naturally he walks into a biker bar and after witnessing extremely rude and extremely small teenage girl eating a beer bottle in the face he starts destroying the bar with his predictably slow kicks and knees. Interestingly Mitchell was once upon a time a fit and good looking model capable of holding his own but by this point he became a fat slob going thru the motions, casually trying to fake mastery in the art that he practiced for full two weeks  before the shooting. Little girl is surprisingly incredibly angry at him for saving her ass and it turns out that she is also here for the tournament.

Soon afterwards they are welcomed to the Tang Po’s hacienda (what’s Thai champion doing in Mexico again?). They withness the psychopathic musketeer looking fellow annihilating the dude’s face and then they fight for qualification, fight… each other!!! Little girls lasts about 5 seconds.

Kickboxer 4 The Aggressor (1994) DVDR NL Subs NLT-Release (DivX).avi_001601800Fair fight!

Tang Po is presented as successful record producer (?) and businessmen and he soon starts an all out, Hitler-like speech (strangely with a strong Mexican accent) to all the tournament participants,over the feast of course. Now we run into the first (really BIG) problem with this movie. Even thou original Tang Po actor Michel Qissi was hardly of Thai origin (in fact he was of Moroccan desceant) he had  vaguely  Asian features  needed to portray a Muay Thai wrecking machine convincingly. On the other hand Kamel Krifa, Tang Po actor in this movie was as white as they get and was even original star- Van Damme’s dubble for years. So let us analize this for a second… you have a dude resembling original Slone Van Damme and instead of doing the logical thing-  casting him in the main role you go for the 10th alternative option and force the dude into wearing a bold cap and hilarious make up so he can a resemble an Asian!? Damn! You have to ask yourself- was there even one sane person on this set?

Oh, and one more thing- he doesn’t even slightly resemble Asian person after all that trouble- NOPE! He looks like a washed up drag queen- not really a look you should go for if you are trying to present yourself as a feared martial artist!

Kickboxer 4 The Aggressor (1994) DVDR NL Subs NLT-Release (DivX).avi_002295600

A Muay Thai Killing Machine?

Then the night comes and with the night many peculiar things happen. Sloan becomes a ninja (???) and starts prowling around the hacienda. Logic would tell us that he is trying to find his captive wife but something stops him. No, not the armed guards- he finds one of the tournament fighters having a threesome with two oiled up blond babes and decides to stay and watch. Next thing you know it’s morning so he must have spent all night scouting the local perversions- shame on him!

 

Early in the morning the tournament continues and now we see why genders and categories exist in Martial Art competitions- Musketeer-like dude is doing his patented “face into concrete” move repeatedly on a woman in black kimono. First time you see it it’s kinda funny but after the seventh blow it’s nothing else but seriously disturbing. I’d like to think that even the evil martial art dudes chose to avoid crippling girls and women if they have a choice. Then we have an absolute devastation  of a black dude in Kempo kimono (as every other person of African descent in this film). Then as he’s laying on the floor without any signs of life,  his neck obviously broken someone is yelling “get up coffee” in the background. Idiotic and racist but funny as hell.

Kickboxer 4 The Aggressor (1994) DVDR NL Subs NLT-Release (DivX).avi_003270120

At certain point participants final realize that none of them will be left alive as the winner and that the whole grand turnament is  a sceem to (somehow) smuggle shipments of cocaine into the country. Lead by an extremly chileld dude (friend of Sloan) and a diminutive blond (that’s still around the tournament even thou she lost- something like Mirko Crocop on the last K-1 tournament) remaining martial artist raise against the Tang Po’s mercenaries with uzi’s using… Martial Art of course! ’cause, why not! You only live once.

Tang Po finally recognizes Sloan- maybe he tricked him by wearing the sunglasses (the old Superman/ Clark Kent trick). Doesn’t matter, Sloan bring the fight to the deadly Muay Thai machine himself and they end up battling it out (another bunch of lousy knee strikes) on the Swedish table!!! That’s just one step above fighting in the water as far as I’m concerned. Anyway Sloan escapes being hit by a bamboo stick (don’t know how that got there) and serves a plate of high-kicks to Po wrecking  him completely in the process. The main hencmen tries to escape with his wife but the Slone grabs a kitchen knife from the said table and the rest is history( mozda opet slika). Reunited with his wife (that’ll probably have to go trough the lifetime of psycho-therapy to face the fact that she was tortured and raped for about a year) he leaves the property of Tang Po never to return- unless someone decides to make another crappy sequel.

 Sorry, but this man just gets funnier every time you see him!

Trivia: Sequel in fact did get made but thankfully it featured a real martial artist( Mark Dacascos) and 0(zero) Sasha Mitchell which makes it almost an Oscar caliber film in comparison.

One of our most reviewed directors on our blog is by far Mr. Albert Pyun (Cyborg, Nemesis, Sword and the Sorcerer…), so naturally we wanted to have a few words with him, find out a thing or two about the classics and also see what’s he been up to these days. So, here we go!

01. I understand that you started your career working with the great Toshiro Mifune and legendary Akira Kurosawa.
What was the whole Japanese experience like and what is the most important thing you learned while working there?

I learned the value of having a hardcore work ethic and preparation. The thing I loved most was watching such a high level of talent and artistry and how they applied their skills to the smallest detail. I also enjoyed the dedication everyone, including Mr. Mifune, had to doing their best no matter the challenges.

02. It can be said that you were slightly ahead of the curve with your Sword and the Sorcerer which came out almost simultaneously with Conan The Barbarian and started a trend of Barbarian movies which lasted some years. I would love to hear about your main inspirations for The Sword and Sorcerer?

My main inspirations for The Sword and the Sorcerer were Richard Lester’s The Three Musketeers, John Milius’ The Wind and the Lion and The Baby Cart samurai series.

03. One of the of the signatures of your involvement with the film is often a combination of  kickboxing and hybrid martial arts with a post- apocalyptic backdrop. I am interested to hear how you developed that unique approach to action/adventure movies.

I know, but what’s odd is I didn’t being with great interest in martial arts or with post apocalyptic stories. I was drawn to martial arts as a lower cost replacement of firearms in my films. I was drawn to Post apocalyptic settings because they were easier to create on a limited budget. And there were no rules on how it had to look. I actually feel my current film “ROAD TO HELL” is one of the first films where I got the setting I was after without compromising for budget.

04. I find that most of your movies have a kinda comic-book quality (of course you also you directed one of the early Marvel adaptations). Did you grow up as a comic- book aficionado and if so what were/are some of  your favorites?

Yes, I grew up on all the DC and Marvel comics along with the Japanese Manga books and Tintin as well because I lived i foreign countries as a child so I was exposed to many different types of comics and books.

05.What is the favorite actor/actors that you worked with and why? And is there some actor whose work you greatly admire but you haven’t gotten the chance of working with?

I’ve really enjoyed working with all the actors for the most part.  I never really had any problems there. My favorites were likely Scott Paulin and Norbert Weisser. Both understand my sensibilities. Sasha Mitchell, Michael Pare’ and Christopher Lambert were great as well. I liked them as people immensely. The most colorful was probably Burt Reynolds and Dennis Hopper. Loved both and Ice-T as well. Jean-Claude and Steven Seagal were interesting because they aren’t actors so much as archetypes. So that was a challenge. I really liked them all as they always brought great ideas and all were very easy to work with.

06. You worked on films of many, many different genres (SF, Fantasy, Horror, Contemporary Action even Western),  do you have a favorite movie genre that you enjoy more than the others?

I love musicals most of all and sort of experimental films where I can play with form and structure.

07. I believe that you are hard at work at a Cyborg sequel/ prequel so it would be interesting to hear something about the basic plot, actors involved and of course about general tone and the esthetics of the film.

I’m just trying to make something different. Something a little experimental and surreal. And, yes, like an opera. A very pessimistic film.

Thank you and all the best!

 

This movie has the honor of being the first (and probably the last) Western/Vampire/Cyborg/Kickboxing flick EVER. Our old friend Pyun sure knows how to make them!

The film starts with an old fashion caravan- only they are ambushed by a bunch of… Cyborgs? Hell Yeah!
Who want to drink their blood??? Ok, this is something else. Young Nea runs away with her baby brother in her arms while  the rest of the travelers get massacred  rather quickly. She returns after a while, sees all the  bloodshed and then the flashback ends. Next thing you know, it’s 10/15 years later, Nea now full grown woman (you can tell it’s her because of her silly blond, fluffy hair) is being approached by and old soothsayer who predicts grand things for her but she just shrugs it off. Then out of the blue, an evil Cyborg and some assistants appear and… massacres all the people. Again! Not whole 10 minutes from the last one! Well at least things move pretty fast in this film, different than some of the other garbage that we watched. She somehow survives initial attack, fights a little-  gets hit by an arrow, survives a fall, then survives some silly rant of a Simon the Cyborg (great name!) until a mysterious stranger arrives (cue in the Western sound effects here).
Stranger is non other than famed country musician Kris Kristofferson ( how appropriate). Kristofferson aka The Gabriel (notice the non-subtle Biblical reference there) starts unleashing hell, some dudes fall from a cliff (common theme in this movie) and then he has a showdown with Simon… and Kung Fu Wuxia ispired sword fight!!! This movie pulls no punches, really!

He easily defeats Simon but Simon plays dirty and tries to blow him ’till Kingdom Come with his rocket launcher arm
thingie but Nea interferes  (but why would you human, help a cyborg?) and Simon is no more.After that Nea is in shock that ther’s a good cyborg in this world too but she still fallows him. Soon enough we get to inevitable question and although Gabries claims that “Only Cyborg can kill a Cyborg” he accepts to train her in the ways of Cyborg- killing Martial Arts Mastery. And yeah, and you can only kill cyborgs by shooting/ stabbing them in forehead– whoa, never would have guessed it! Then we have the thing that kinda disappeared from the movies these days and is sorely missed-  A TRAINING MONTAGE!

It’s painfully obvious that Kris Kristofferson is the one who should be a student (he is doubled by a much younger stuntman every few seconds) but he at least looks cool and seems to take this whole movie as a  joke so you can easily sympatise with the dude. Kathy Long seems to be a complete opposite. Despite being a prolific martial artist( Aikido, Kung Fu blackbelt, 5 time World Kickboxing Champ ) Kathy Long can’t act or even speak properly for the life of her! Not one sentence had the conviction or diction to stop my inevitable laughter every time she openes her mouth.
And stereotypical 80s surfer girl look wasn’t helping either. Like I said- you can marvel at her back flips, kicking and takedown combos … and that’s about it. Try to ignore her when she’s not hitting anyone, you’ll enjoy this movie a whole lot more!
Anyway ,she and Gabriel swordfight, stickfight and kickbox trough the desert and everything is fine until she has an emotional outburst witch leaves me completely in shock. I have never witnessed a lack of talent of that magnitude in my life! Why the hell is she trying to express her deep emotions in a film about a cyborg killing cyborgs and girl who eventually kills even more cyborgs? I’m stupified.

In the meantime THE CYBORGS PLAN TO RAID THE LAST GREAT HUMAN CITY- TO MAKE EVEN MORE CYBORGS! The fact that you need even more blood to feed all those fresh additions to the ranks or the funny thing that people obviously serve Cyborgs for years in hope of their mechanical gift and others get it for free seams completely retarded.

Couple minutes later they  finally start putting some hurt on the cyborg asses but Gabriel ends up showing human emotions towards Nea, and that costs him half his body! Interestingly most of the cyborgs wear some Arabic inspired robes that cover all but eyes which lead me to believe that the same five people were killed over and over and over again (congrats to stuntmen for doing all the extra work).

Nea continues fight alone, infiltrates the Cyborg Camp, and earns a right to fight for the gift of becoming a cyborg! Oh, yeah, she also finds her long lost brother there- just like that! Somebody refused to  put  any kind of effort when he was scripting the damn thing but that’s how things work in Pyun-land.

Leader of the cyborg camp, Lens Henriksen’s character Job (cyborg with a freakin’ giant robot arm, who looks incredibly like some discarded Moebius sketch) decides that she is worth of the gift… he receives the arrow as a reword. Also, I have to notice that Job is quite fascinating character,  the only special power that he exhibited in the movie is his ability to spit incredible amount of liquid, I mean incredible!  Ok, his mastery with whip is impressive too but you don’t really need any technological advancements to learn to do that.

              I want to suck your bloooood!

So, Kathy proceeds to kick ass and take names, killing about 100 people in the process, combined forces of about 20 cyborgs and their human underlings. They all die in all sort of interesting/ funny/ ridicules ways that will definitely keep you interested. Even the good old Cyborg who kills cyborgs- Gabriel patches himself somehow (by stealing legs from some other poor half- mechanical soul).

Evil mastermind, Master Builder finally appears, does nothing for a while and than steals Nea’s brother. Gabriel and Nea come after him presumably to the fabled Cyborg City, her monologue narrating all the incredible adventures they will have but the movie ended up being a flop and none of the planed sequels ever found their way into production.

Verdict: in the fighting/martial arts department film delivers and delivers with flying colors- and that is main redeeming feature of this film. Also if you like explosions, things explode in abundance here, just wait and see! Cinematography is also actually rather beautiful (thanks to George Mooradian who latter found fame working on TV series like “According to Jim” ), desert of Moab, Utah provided perfect backdrop for this unique kind of adventure. On the flip side acting is atrociously bad, especial miss Long, script doesn’t make any sense and editing is godawful, most of the scenes look cut up and without the natural end.Music sounds like something out of  National Geographic, not  Western/Vampire/Cyborg/Kickboxing movie Knights is. Anyway if you really have nothing better to do with your life , go watch some cyborgs explode, it’s  still better than The Kardashians!

Talon, a mercenary with a three- bladed sword born of royal heritage gets recruited to help a princess save her brother and the whole kingdom from the evil tyrant  who conquered their land. Yes, it’s as stupid as it sounds, maybe even more so. Directed by none other than our old friend Albert Pyun (Nemesis, Cyborg) it represents one of the earliest examples of the Barbarian Craze of the 80s, interestingly enough it was released before Conan in the US, but after Conan’s  premiere in Spain.

Too bad the movie doesn’t look this good

So let’s get down to business. Evil king Cromwell  has an evil need to rule one of the neighbor kingdoms too, so he travels to a deserted island to find a corpse of Xusia the evil wizard. He sacrifices  some witch to awaken Xusia from his death and than naturally partners with him to conquer the lands of good but incredibly rich (that goes together right?) King Richard.

With the help of the devilish wizard armies of good are easily defeated, all 15 soldiers (it seems Richard was spending his money elsewhere) are lying dead of the battlefield. Then Cromwell unprovoked decides  to kill (already dead!) wizard who singlehandedly won him the fight by stabbing him and then throwing him down the cliff in one of the more ridiculous scenes in this movie. As you can guess that kind of ungratefulness and pure stupidity will come back to bite him in the ass later.

When his father fails to come back young prince Talon goes after him (with a triple sword none the less). He finds a battle already lost and arrives just in time to witness his father Richard’s execution. Not only does he fails to stop the death of his father, he even managed not to save his Queen mother (it really wasn’t his day). Then, to top it all he almost died himself when Cornwel’s  soldiers came after him, but he narrowly makes his escape and then flees the Kingdom.

“Accurate representation of medieval combat styles”

Some years later Talon returns to former Kingdom of his father but now as a grizzled veteran, a  warrior  and a leader of a wild pack of mercenaries. He also wears a cloak made of wolf- skin which makes him look big and muscular (things he is most certainly not- as we see later in the  “grand” finale of the  film). What happens next is quite confusing. The twins-  rightful heirs to the Throne get attacked and a brother Mikah ends up being kidnapped by military adviser Machelli and his soldiers.  Sisters seeks help and offers the only thing she can- herself to the “handsome” mercenary Talon– who as I remember should be THE TRUE HEIR to the Throne. How the hell are those too claiming the rule of the same kingdom – are they his lost lost brother and sister never menchened until now?!) – apparently not because he accepts the dangerous mission and the sex that will inevitably fallow it!

“Getting ahead of our-self, aren’t we?”

Things of course get a bit complicated, the first plan falls apart and as he frees prince Mikah but his sister Alana ends up captured instead. Talon narrowly escapes as always but he gets to kill a couple of dudes in the process so it’s all good. After that failure he FINALLY gets down to business devises a plan, gets his soldiers (who were hiding in the whorehouse) and ultra- dramatically crashes the weeding of Alana and the Evil Titus Cromwell (he like any other villain with good publicity has to force a girl to marry him). Some over the top battling in the main whole ensues and than the the King runs away with the bride to be- straight into Catacombs (never a smart thing to do) – Macelli intercepts them and  the truth is FINALLY revealed!!!  Military adviser Macelli is in fact even more sinister dead wizard XUSIA! Yeah, he had nothing better to do for freakin’ 11 years than to pretend he is an ally of Cromwell and wait (???) for his revenge. He would probably wait some more (22 years for example) if it hadn’t been for Talon trying to take what’s his.

Instead of acting like a rational human being and fleeing with the girl (he is a master at running away, is he not?) Talon somehow manages to end up in the middle of Cromwell/ Xusia battle, terrible hand drawn effects, glowing fingers and all!

                        On the plus side Princess Alana looks incredibly like Sister Hyde aka Martine Beswick

Although Cromwell tries to fight back he proves to be no match for the sorcerer, but Talon finds himself  able to resist Xusia’s magic just long enough to send one of his trademark projectile sword right into the heart of a demon wizard. Xusia dies for a third time, comes back again for an extremely short period of time before being stricken down by Talon (hopefully really for the LAST TIME). Talon then saves the princess from mutated Boa- Constrictor snake for a good measure and procides to take his reword– and we must agree he earned it fair and square!

Something like that

Mikah has no problem with Talon plowing his sister ’cause he gets the Throne and everyone is happy as  a bunch of pigs in a mud.  Talon leaves with a big smile on his face into some brave new adventures… that we thankfully won’t have to watch.

Verdict: Cheesy as Hell, gets boring after first 20 minutes or so but picks up with a ridiculous ending! Anyway it won’t top The Beastmaster as my main go- to  B Movie Barbarian flick but at least they tried.

Trivia: The film even spawned a short-lived production line of plastic swords in resemblance to Talon’s sword. Yes, you heard it right, somewhere there’s a possibly disturbed individual who played with a three- bladed sword as a child!