200 years in the future. Entire Earth’s population had been wiped out in a rebel war. Human race is in deep shit. And that’s what you are watching in this movie. 90 minutes of pure shit.
David Bradley is staring in another disaster created by Phillip J. Roth. He and his company will try to save the universe by traveling back through time. His company consists of stereotype black man, ugly, ugly, ugly military chick and Brian Faker. But no, they don’t do this because they have noble intentions. It’s their only choice between this and death penalty they’ve been sentenced to. Apparently each and one of them is responsible for real massacre on some planets. Anyway, let me start from the beginning.
First 20 minutes of movie are half-decent space fights between “The Bridges” and rebellions. The bridges are political party that controls all Earth colonies. Later in the movie, we’ll find out that that party got a name by writer of ” The Universal Being” book John Bridges. Apparently that book is responsible for all shit that happened in last 200 years. Space stage of film is ended by some 2 random guys in small space ship going through time warp. So, after 20 minutes of half-decent space fight we got David Bradley and his company to travel to Earth back to 1998 (probably because entire budget has been spent onto previously mentioned fights). Their mission is simple – finding John Bridges and stopping him from writing his book. And to make things even harder they have only 40 hours to do this since nitro implants have been implanted into their necks and will explode after that time. Why 40, why not standard 48 hours, you might ask? So did we. But we got no answer. Anyway, they lost 3 hours after transition to Earth. It’s interesting how despite using all hi-tech gadgets none of them actually knows how to drive a car. One of those gadgets is military chick’s (who gets uglier in every scene) all-purpose calculator. There isn’t a thing which that calculator can’t do. Ok now, back to the plot. Congressman Jerry has to be stopped as well since he used above mentioned book to form a political party which will rule in future with new kind of totalism as new world order thus which will lead to a global war of epic proportions. Also, two FBI members with interesting names (Agent Smith and Agent Wesson; sounds familiar?) have had their part of a role and they did absolutely nothing. We fail to see their exact purpose here. Let’s not forget two guys from the beginning of the movie who also have traveled back to time. First thing they did when they arrived is destroying their space ship so they couldn’t go back (?!). Of course, mission wouldn’t be successful without help of writer’s ex-wife. David Bradley was about to plow her in the end but he got distracted by one tiny little detail – his head got blown up by nitro implant. You have to admit that that’s not really romantic. Long story short, the only person that ended up with a head on it’s shoulders in the end of the movie is ugly, ugly, ugly military chick. She was the only one who managed to live through to see fixed future and Earth existing in some kind of new modern, sterilized order. Makes you wish for war to start all over again.
This movie makes no sense even in 60s when there was so many fresh and crazy ideas floating around. Ok, we know digital technology and other fancy stuff didn’t exist back then but that’s not excuse for putting 0 effort in filming. Follow me now in my step-by-step manual of how to avoid watching this abomination. You’ll thank me later.
It’s about some rich old lady who doesn’t want to give her fortune to anyone so she funded a mad scientist in his research to develop a machine that will be able to transfer her brain into a body of young and hot girl. Scientist had some experiments before that with freshly buried bodies which he has personally stolen. First of those was putting a wolf’s brain into his apprentice so he ended up making some kind of brain damaged werewolf. Oh yes, and he named it Monstrosity. How original. Anyway, being encouraged by that his following experiments are cadavers of 2 young girls. No one explained how so many young women died at all but i guess directors didn’t find it relevant. First girl became a zombie (not an evil zombie unfortunately), and second one became a crippled cat- lady ( her body has been merged with the brain of scientist’s favorite cat). Those two last experiments made scientist to come up with conclusion that cyclotron ( yes, that’s the machine name) is ready for it’s evil use so selection of victim can finally start. To make long story short, one perfect girl had been selected to host a brain of some old geezer. Now, here is a twist! Are you ready? The chosen girl seduced old lady’s servant named Viktor (as in Viktor von Frankenstein) who is even older than his master and was occasionally used to sexually satisfy the old rich bitch. Oh, did I mention that every single person in this movie had to do same thing (even the Monstrosity; especially the Monstrosity) ? I didn’t ? Oh well, call me a spoiler guy. Viktor got afraid that in case of successful transfer his master won’t require his sexual services no more and that he’s gonna lose his job. So he made a plot with young girl to screw up old lady and share her fortune between themselves. Details of that plot remained unknown and no one had spoken about it again. The savior of the day was no one else than scientist himself who decided in very last moment to spare a girl and put a brain of old lady in his already used cat (no point in wasting a perfectly good material). Reasons for this decision also remains the mystery to us so we only can take a guess. Did he fall in love with young girl or he just wanted to do a right thing eventually? It turned out that that wasn’t a smart idea since cat managed to kill him while he was cleaning a cyclotron (?!). The girl ran away followed by a cat with plans of revenge on her mind. How scientist managed to put human brain into cat’s small head is another mystery of this movie. Ah so many mysteries.
Sinister looking cat.DO NOT PAT!!!
Another thing that adds an extra smell onto this garbage is lack of dialog. Over 80% of movie is a pure narration! As if actors were too dumb to learn a script. Or too ashamed to speak. If a reason is number 2 then I can’t blame them at all.
You find that ninjas are cool? That’s OK. You find that Chuck Norris is cool? That’s OK too. But what happens when you put those 2 things together? I’ll tell you what… You get complete garbage which sends the studio which made it into bankruptcy! Tho I have no doubts that American Cinema was already hanging by a thin thread.
In this movie Chuck Norris is a ninja sent by ninja to destroy a band of terrorist ninjas. Sounds fun and simple, right? Well there are a couple of things that make watching this monstrosity a good bit harder. First, echo monologues inside Chuck’s head. Every fucking 3 minutes we are getting his echo saying “Ninjas, Ninjas”. You would think that he finally got insane after couple of those monologues. But no, that’s just the way Chuck thinks…
Second, his Japanese brother Sakura. Yes, you heard well, Japanese!!! How the hell he’s got a Japanese brother it was never explained. Nor I think it would be possible to explain without questioning the honesty of his mother (and we’re smart enough not to go there). Oh yes, did I mention that his brother is a leader of international band of terrorist ninjas against whom Chuck is fighting in this movie? I didn’t? Oh well, some families are just weirder than others.
Chuck is also a bit of a ladies man in this movie. The fact that one of the ladies gets brutally killed and he doesn’t really mind, and finds himself a next one ( a raven haired agent chick) in a mater of minutes would be impressive if it wasn’t so damn awkward and nonsensical. But that’s Chuck for you- he can do anything, I mean ANYTHING but act!
“We can all guess who’s that man, can’t we?”
One more thing… Legendary Lee Van Cleef (of The Good, the Bad, the Ugly fame) was also in this movie. It remains a mystery to me how he managed to remain a true professional and play it completely seriously until the end of filming of this brain-raper! My hat is off to him.
Verdict: If you have a strange need to see some ninjas throwing it down with the Chuck watch this clip, Norris and Richard Norton (in his first film role) make the final fight entertaining enough to watch. Everything else- AVOID AT ALL COST IF YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR SANITY!
To this day I can not understand how this blasphemy managed to win an award (if there is still anyone who counts Emmy as award) and be nominated for Golden Globe. This version of a wonderful and extremely interesting Homer Epic had started wrong from the very beginning. First mistake – Armand Assante as Odyssey. I don’t know who came up with idea of casting a Italo-Irish man to play a Greek hero but I do know that that person should bear consequences for his actions. Assante’s accent combined with his attempt to sound Greek turned out to be a failure of epic proportions. In 85% of the movie Assante is totally incoherent and people who ought to understand anything are forced to turn on their speakers to a maximum and then press ears onto it (tho, due to the awful script they still won’t be able to understand a thing).
Anyway, let’s continue. Odyssey’s wife, Penelope, gave a birth to a baby in a record time of 2 minutes.Also there wasn’t any fluid, blood, umbilical cord or any other thing which are present at any normal giving birth to a human being. Also, the fact that the baby didn’t cry after being born is very disturbing and confusing.
Can’t argue with that…
Next one of many, many, many wrong things in this movie is representation of Hermes who is messenger of the Gods and son of Zeus. His appearance in this movie had implemented a new, until now never seen category – A FLYING FAGGOT! I don’t know where the urge to represent the son of supreme Greek god as nothing else than a plain homo came from. Someone in the crew had some strange issues.
Next, the vampire effect. Odyssey had spent 20 years on the sea and during that time almost all the characters look the same. Neither Penelope, nor her mother, nor her wooers who invaded her house aren’t getting any older. Apart of their son, who had grew up a bit. Penelope look exactly the same, with no wrinkle on her face. She still refuses wooers who are now using her house as a some kind of bordel from hell. Her dedication to remain loyal to Odyssey is really impressing due to fact that he already cheated on her some 2500 times by my account.
Screwing up some of the adventures Odyssey had. Cyclops event more looks more like a comedy than a danger. Assante had friendly conversation with a Cyclops, talking and laughing and such. Then Cyclops without any reason eats a half of a member of the Odyssey’s crew. Next 2 seconds are followed by screaming and disbelief just to see everything turning back to normal a mere moment later. Odyssey continues his friendly and nonchalant chit-chat with the Cyclops. The rest you can see above.
Next two and a half hours are followed by “nothing happens” and “something almost happened”, until the moment Odyssey come home and slaughter literally everyone who happened to be there. Strange thing is that not a single drop of blood had been spilled in all of that massacre.
Conclusion: My advice – Don’t watch this garbage. Better read a book.
Baking cookies has never been deadlier!!! Severed fingers, risk of being slaughtered or burned alive…There are countless dangers awaiting you in the kitchen. The only person that can prevent this (by plain eating- you!) is always psychotic Gary Busey. Evil never tasted this good! Or this bad? Anyway, bon appétit.
Prepare to be transported to the ancient times, times of swords and powerful sorcery, times when muscle bound warriors ruled the lands with their savage might , times known only as the- 80es! Obviously in the 80s everybody wanted to be new Arnold Schwarzenegger. As we all know there can be only one Arnie so people mostly embarrassed themselves by varying degrees. Barbarian brothers (also known as the Paul brothers) managed to be twice as big and (combined) almost half as smart! They even got to French-kiss each other for no apparent reason- but more on that later.
The least gay cover of this film, coincidentally a German one!
Film starts with young, scrawny orphans Kutchek and Gore accepted by Retniks, a strange tribe consisting of clowns, jugglers and your general village idiots. Also they soon adopt one more orphan, a small girl called Kyra. Their leader was beautiful (we’re told) Queen Canary that wears the magic stone in her bellybutton. Retnik, supposedly people with safe passage everywhere end up attacked by a gang od savages and then ambushed by devious King Kedar (played by B-movie alumni Richard Lynch). Kedar has the desire to put them all in their place which he expresses mostly by random killing of the Retniks. When he threatens the orphans he finally breaks Canary’s spirit and she accepts to be his slave.Twins are spared but not treated very kindly, in fact they are thrown to the ruthless Dirtmaster (always fantastic Michael Berryman) to work long hours in “The Pit” and train to fight as Gladiators. For years they are kept separate and thought to hate the person with the iron/ brass helmet, not knowing that one day they will face one another wearing those same helmets. Of course they grow up to be extremely muscled up, to the point of absurdity (but on the other hand I can’t think of a one thing not bordering absurdity in this film).
One day the evil Sorceress claims that it’s finally time for brothers to slay one another. Canary (who haven’t aged a day i a decade or so) protest but Kedar claims that he is keeping his promise by making them kill one another thus not technically participating. Brothers fight as only muscleman can ( clumsy enough to chop off some random dude’s hand) and when they finally loose the helmets one of them gets furious. He yells “what your doing with my face?” About as sharp as a marble that one! Kutchak, a less dumb one tries to calm him down and convince him that they’re brothers but almost dies in the process. Finally when Gor hears the Canary scream he comes to his senses and teams up with his brother for an escape. That produces the screaming/ laughing agony with Dirtmaster( but to be fair it seems that almost anything can produce that reaction with Dirtmaster).
He is just so Goddamn awesome!
Barbarian brothers ride into the forest and menage to fool their pursuers but they run into a captured girl with big 80es hair. She tries to get them to help her and they oblige, but only by striking some silly bodybuilding poses. Than they figure out that they she is held captive by remaining Retniks. What left of the tribe fronted by the ugliest man alive appears and Gor answers with angry “Abar, what da hell is goin’ on” in your strongest Brooklyn accent. I would have to search far and wide to find one single worse line delivery in the history of cinema.Retniks capture them with a simple net and then decide to hang them just for the fun of it. To be truthful I would do the same. Unfortunately they are so big (?) that the rope breaks in both their cases and after making absolute imbeciles out of themselves they prove that they wear the mark of the tribe and are in fact the long gone orphans. They seek weapons for their rescue mission (they did leave Canary behind) but the Retniks admit that have nothing to offer. Than the captured thief girl Lemon offers her assistance and strangely they accept.Finaly their EPIC quest begins! They are suspicious but the girl guaranties that everything they need can be found in fantastically named) Bucket of Blood! Full of pirates and ugly belly dancers it seems like the right place. Brothers gamble everything on game of arm wrestling with certain Jakko and predictably escalates into the idiotic bar fight (how could we live without one those)!Girl probably got some information because they set out to infiltrate the Castle straight afterwards. At this point brothers have to kiss one another to fool the guard roaming the area, of course guards we’re disgusted by the scene and practically run away. Level of stupidity of this is astounding. Also they menage to bump into some orgies and make funny faces.
They also produce noises resembling the noises seals produce when they are hungry…
They menage to infiltrate the king’s harem but Canary doesn’t want to go. She sends them to find the magical belly stone obviously hidden all this time in the lime tree in the forbidden land. So their next stop is The Tomb of the Ancient King (sounds familiar) where they can find the sacred weapon necessary to defeat the mighty Dragon that guards the said lime tree (seriously how are they making up shit like that). Then just as they were about to go, Gor finally loses his restraint and start an orgy of his own with all the Kedar’s wives that he neglected because of Canary- yes the same Canary his adopted mother who had no choice but to watch that orgy being in a cage and all. Anyway they finish up by the morning, reunited with the now angry thief girl and head out for forbidden lands but the evil sorcerers figures out what happened and goes after him, accompanied by The Dirtmaster.
Barbarians find the secret cave and the tomb of the ancient king incredibly easy but the thief- girl Lemone. gets captured by incredibly large Werewolf creature. On the other hand Gor proves so strong that he easily rips the creature’s arm out.
I am officially terrified of their sense of humor!
Evil sorcerers finds the ruby stone before the Barbarians but most of her escort pays the ultimate price, the get eaten by Alien/ Gill- Man hybrids. King Kadar himself joins them and tries to fight the approaching Dragon but to little avail and they are forced to withdraw. Despite being the incompetent fools that they are with Lemon’s help they trap the dragon in the cave entrance and stab him to death. Then exploring his corpse they find the Evil Sorceres partially eaten but still holding the ruby- and all problems solved! Well, not quite yet.
Oh, no the Dragon!
King Kedar finally confronts Canary after a decade of her bullshit. She tries to confuse him with her magic and almost succeeds but then gets stabbed through the chest. In the meantime Lemon reaches the Retniks guided by the glowing belly stone. The leader of the Retnicks, also the ugliest man alive* then tries the stone on all the females to find the successor for doomed Canary. It “shockingly” turns out that Lemon herself is the new prophesied Retnik leader… and she’s also the orphan girl that they adopted at the same time as Barbarian Brothers.
*just look at him!
What a coincidence?!Finally Barbarians confront Kedar and not even his horse and crossbow prove enough parry the brothers savage sword throwing abilities.He ends up dead in the dirt double stabbed to death. Retnik’s join the Barbarian brothers and end this abomination with another one of their trademark jokes that aren’t funny to the 3 year olds.
Verdict: Fascinating thing about this movie is that the fact that it doesn’t seem to take itself too seriously doesn’t make it any better!!! Hell it somehow menages to make it even worse! Serious scenes fail enough to get a good laugh or two, yes- but those envisioned to be funny end up being just plain imbecilic. Combination of Italian hack director (that pretty much sums up all of their directors not named Leone or Argente), stupid/ possibly mentally disturbed muscleman and accursed Cannon Inc (see Cannon) proved a little bit too much even for us.
The Deadly Trio!
Trivia: Some sources claim that this movie was in fact a tax write off, which sounds like a reasonable explanation for its existence if I ever heard one.
Also the actress who played Lemon/Kyra Eva LaRua can be later be found in only slightly less horrible CSI: Miami as Agent Natalia Boa Vista.
When man’s breasts are your main selling point instead of female ones it means that you’re doing the whole B- Movie thing wrong!
WARNING: The washroom scene is a dramatic representation. Combining sodium and water may cause serious injury. Do not attempt it!!!
Probably the worst SF/Horror movie of all times ( yes, maybe even worse than “Plan 9 From The Outer Space” ). Here, the huge artificial brain got loose and went on a killing spree, eating people in one bite. Despite the fact it moves with speed of a drunken snail it is UNSTOPPABLE. It’s only weak spot is anti-freeze or bleach (?!). This movie makes you appreciate that you have ordinary, regular sized brain. After watching this garbage we had none.
The movie that taught us that computers can make REAL LIVING girls (through their pure 80s magic) and that perfect woman can only look like Kelly LeBrock.
Worsemovies 