In the music world you had Chinese Democracy by Guns ‘N Roses- a passion project of W. Axl Rose who trough the numerous band turmoils and line-up changes worked diligently on the project for more than a decade. When against all the odds record finally came out in late 2008 the cost of recording was estimated at more than 13 000 000 dollars making it the single most expensive Rock album ever produced.
Similarly (but unfortunately also more tragically) in the world of film the eccentric Andrew Getty (an heir of the Getty oil fortune) worked on a single movie since his 30’s ’till his untimely death in 2015. The movie was based on his childhood nightmares and it meant so much to him that he would redo the scenes and over again until he got them just right. He even went so far as to recast most of the original actors, sometimes multiple times with exception of the boy and the actor playing the mirror demon, the under- appreciated but always brilliant Michael Berryman (Hills Have Eyes, The Guyver, Weird Scinence, The Barbarians) The lead was played by Fred Kohler who says that he has the stranger relationship with the film anyone can have.He famously started working on the movie straight out of college and is now 41 in time of the final release.
The production would start and stop for large chunks of time from 2002 to 2015 as Getty would work on new and different camera rigs, complicated animatronics and build extensive sets on his property. It is estimated that he spent 4 to 6 millions of his own money on the film which crippled him financially even though he came from such a historically rich family.
He was so obsessed we would stop eating proper meals for days opting to just eat cereals while editing. In abizarre set of circumstances he died just as he was finally in the coloring stages of the film. He was found by his ex- girlfriend (who he filed restraining order just days before). The cause of death was proclaimed to from the ulcer- related bleeding. The movie’s producer Michael Luceri took it upon himself to finish the movie so Getty’s efforts don’t end up being in vain and it’s now after festival premiere in Fantasporto Film Festival in February finally coming out on VOD and DVD.
“The sadistic tale of a lonely, mentally handicapped boy who befriends his reflection in an antique mirror.
This demonic creature orders him to go on a murderous rampage to kill the people he loves most.”
If you know the name of Charles Band, you know what to expect when you see his name in the credits as the executive producer. His studio, known as Empire Pictures ( which would later change to Full Moon Entertainment) made quite a few low budget schlock horror films in the 1980s, including such notable ones as Troll and Dungeonmaster. The stories were anemic, but the special effects were good for such cheap productions, making them adequate fodder for video rentals and late night cable staples for the horror-loving junkies (such as we). This time we are taking a stab into his, several years too late, a “New Wave” horror film.
The premise of the film revolves around a contest put on by music station R-TV (Rock Television), whereby seven lucky winners are taken up to an old Italian castle in order to compete for a chance to win a million dollars, while also rubbing shoulders with stuck-up, alcoholic rock superstar, Cassandra Castle (played by Bunty Bailey). The only rules are that they can’t leave the castle for any reason or they will be disqualified, and they are discouraged from damaging anything on the property. For this momentous undertaking, R-TV sends their most popular VJ Rex (played by Richard Blade), but only one camera. At this point the movie seems to be nothing more than one long 80s music video. To add to this claim, contestants are consisted of 5 blonde girls, one ugly guy and one gay looking Italian. And they are all too anxious to start their search for the hidden check.
You rang?
The owner of this castle is certain person with appropriate name of Senor Diablo. Obviously evil servant welcomes contestants to the castle and takes them to a tour in which they can see a statue that will clearly come alive. Also someone is watching them through crystal ball. Anyway, they are accommodated each in their own room. Italian guy Tony (played by Marcello Modungo) starts hitting on everything that has two legs and tits. The ugly fat guy Harlan (played by Michael Zorek) started eating the moment after he unpacked his stuff. Myrna (played by Martha Demson) has brought rifle with herself (she is safari lunatic). Tom (played by Harold P Pruett) and Jackie (played by Gail O’Graidy) are making plans to search together for the check (naturally, they are brother and sister), while Teri (played by KIm Ulrich) just dances in front of sinister looking painting.
Now this is the art
Although the contest officially starts tomorrow all of the contestants decided to bend the rules and start their search for the check the very same night. All but Harlan who came down just because he got night munchies. Boy, he likes food. Yvette (played by Traci Linn), on the other hand, is much more hungry for a money. She seduces Rex into giving her a clue of where the check should be (she doesn’t know it is hidden between Cassandra’s tits). Slutty approach always gives some results. Hey, everything is allowed while cameras are off. And they will stay off since camera crew never got to castle. I don’t want to spoil your fun so check below for what happened to them.
Following the clue she got from Rex (the check is hidden somewhere on the first floor), Yvette started her search. But she has no clue about what is actually going on. She takes a break and sits on some antique chair. Which devours her! Meanwhile, always drunk Cassandra stumbles into basement where she finds a big pile of skeletons. Which also came alive. Everything in this castle is something. But, unlike Yvette, she lived to talk about that. Of course that no one would believe her. She is such an alcoholic that when Rex angrily spilled her liquor she started licking the floor.
The game has officially started. Everybody is looking everywhere. That’s good excuse for Tony to enter the rooms where girls are. He found the check but got distracted by Cassandra’s nudity. She took that opportunity to hide it once again while evil servant was kicking Tony’s ass out of the room. But the check has it’s own ways. It is controlled by Senor Diablo through a crystal ball. And Tony must pay for his rude behavior. The check flies out onto the top of the castle while Tony is pursuing it without paying much attention where he steps. How this scene ended I think all of you can presume.
While everybody is running around like insane Harlan takes this opportunity to do what he likes the most – to eat. He orders and gets entire pig for himself. Soon after he is convinced into validity of old saying “You are what you eat”. That’s right, my friends. With just one swift move of the hand above crystal ball Harlan was turned into a pig! I would say that he doesn’t look much different now in his new form. Teri sees him and runs away into her room where she gets devoured by creature from the picture. I believe it was Satyr. Anyway, she wasn’t the only one who ended her search in her own room. Camera girl Jamie (played by always charming Dale Wyatt) was strangled by electric snake her camera produced! She ain’t so pretty no more. Nor is Myrna, who became prey instead of hunter. At least she killed that fat guy who had turned into a pig.
The only remaining girl Jackie stumbles upon a secret Senor Diablo’s (played by Adam Ant) hideout. There he explains to her that he is a demon and that all those who had fallen to his vicious spell casting are down in hell. Meanwhile, Tom had finally managed to score something. And that person is Cassandra. Let’s see…drunk, scared, washed-up rock star, with low self-esteem. Easy target. She decides to burn the check in a fireplace but instead the check scorched her (?). So she appears at Senor Diablo. It turns out that Cassandra had traded her soul in exchange for becoming rock star. Also, she was bound to bring to Senor Diablo more fresh souls. Wanting to save her brother Tom, Jackie offers her souls in exchange for Tom’s safety and million dollars. A lot of dumb, unconvincing dialogs occur followed by awful acting. Eventually, Cassandra takes the gun and shoots crystal ball, thus forcing Diablo to reveal his true form. Every contestant is alive again and walks into the room. It seems that Cassandra has made a new contract, and Senor Diablo is now new VJ, Cyril St. Michael. What a stupid ending.
Conclusion: Spellcaster’s attractive cast, impressive effects and make-up, and relatively light delivery are about the only aspects of the film that make it watchable schlock for those who enjoy cheesy, b-movie horror. The plot of the film isn’t very well thought out at all. It’s not quite clear how people could win the contest, but even if it were explained, the chance that a brother and sister could both win out of (presumably) millions of entries is ridiculous to believe. It’s amazing how many ideas were squandered in the making of this film. For a movie centering around an MTV-like international music channel, it boasts almost no music whatsoever. I stayed through the closing credits and counted two generic-sounding songs used in the film, both sung by artists I’ve never heard of. They say you can’t have too much of a good thing, but apparently, Charles Band can’t get too much of a bad thing. He would repeat the movie’s basic premise again in 1990 in Meridian (two American students go to Italy when one inherits a castle, and strange things occur), and in 1995 with Castle Freak (an American couple and their daughter inherit a castle in Italy, where strange things occur). There may be others, but with hundreds of movies to his name, I don’t have the diligence to do the research. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to learn that Band owns the castle in question. A man’s home is his castle and his castle, his movie set.
Vampirela was for the longest time my white whale something that for years and years seemed just about impossible to find.From the days of VHS tapes to the early dial-up internet and primitive peer to pear sharing programs (remember WinMX) all the way up to the almighty Russian piracy sites. You could find a cover or a clip or a throwaway line about how bad it is but that was all. Now that technology has finally caught up with the elusive film (even here in Balkans) it is time for better or for the worst to watch the damned thing!
Vampirella by one of my all- time favorite artist: Rudy Nebres
First we start with a bit of a history. Vampirella started her life as a comicbook character created by legendary Forrest J. Ackerman in 1969 for Warren’s Publishing company of Horror Magazines (Eerie and Creepy) fame. Warren fell on some hard times and as we learned watching many B-movies, that’s noting asexy girl can’t fix– especially if she’s also a vampire. Now, some really talented artist worked on Vampirella and fair share of the comic was a visual treat but even the original 70’s version didn’t have the most impressive writing. We’ll get back to that in a moment.
Strangely the actual costume in the movie doesn’t look anything like this.
We start our story, 30 centuries ago on a planet Drakulon ( actually footage from Not of This Earth, another Corman production) And yes that’s her actual origin story, since redconed because no one can make the idea of space vampires work. The ruler of the futuristic vampiric world (cheap Christopher Lee knock-off , strange because Christopher Lee himself wasn’t that expensive in the early 90’s) wearing plastic vampire teeth explains to his daughter how in the old days vampires would drain one another to drink (that actually doesn’t make any sense) and now they are technologically superior and they use Drakonic organic blood rivers and streams. There’s so much wrong with that idea that I can’t even begin to explain it.
Of course they cut straight to the person who disobeyed the rule and drank from other vampires. He is also called Vlad just to make thing super clear. Just when they were about to execute him his compatriots break in and he kills the ruler. Desperate, the princess Ella vows to avenge her father (thus becoming Vampirella, cleaver ha?) but renegades are already gone in their spaceship Gone to the little blue planet called… EARTH! (Yeah I guess you saw that coming, we did too.)
Couple of thousand years later we see some gang members torturing a poor ugly nerd. Mysterious female figure show up from the dark and saves him.
That boy is none other that Akerman (the above mentioned author of Ella) himself. He helps her to find the location of one of the Vlad‘s minions Thraxx (now Dr. Traxx) using the magic of internet and even gives her some clothes so she doesn’t receive too much attention when she goes out.
Seriously, this is the best you’ve got- I’ve seen cosplayers with 10x better costumes!
In the meantime we see the operation of the P.U.R.G.E. organization strikeforce, offing some vampires in Mexico I believe. That’s mostly interesting just because they wear black garbage bags and sunglasses I guess to protect them from the sun, but mostly because they’re idiots.
Garbage bag- never leave home without it!
And good ol’ condom-head is still confused why no one thinks he’s dangerous dude! Vampirella tracks down Dr. Traxx and shows him her best Kung Fu moves (not too good). He apparently changed his ways but ends up impaled all the same.Ella manages to follow that up by the worst vampire transformation in the modern history of cinema (going back to the ’50s).
Impalement followed by a fantastic human to bat transformation, just incredible!
P.U.R.G.E.’s are torturing one of the condom- heads, fetish looking even without his suit using holly water.He admits that Vlad is operating out of L.A. of all places. And that’s not all- the dude had 3000 years to conquer the freakin’ world and he wasted it all to pursue a music career.Man, he really is something! Vampirella is also there to see him perform- she doesn’t seem all that impressed.
He shouldn’t leave his day job of world domination for this!
She surprises Vlad but Hellsings surprise them both. They lock them both up but Vlad easily escapes and kills the guards. Young Adam Van Helsing being the only one left teams up with Vampirella to take Vlad down once and for all. They also use the opportunity to exchange their origin stories and we get horrible flashback of Ella stranded on Mars (which explains her being so late to get to Earth).
“I’m telling you , there’s a half- naked chick over there!”
Unfortunately Adam returns to his home for a bit and gets smacked in the head by couple of porno looking vampire blonds. Vampirella does the only responsible thing,organizes an exchange with P.U.R.G.E., condom- head vampire for young Van Helsing. It all goes wrong as those thing tend to go and both Vampirella and Adam end up captured. Then Vlad tries to make her drink Adam’s blood to finally turn her evil but that doesn’t really work out for him. She does drink his blood but with his blessing and then she turns her new found strength to defeat the Vlad’s empire. He was just inches away of completing his evil plan involving satellites and vampirization of the whole humanity.
After the credits roll a sequel was promised with a ultra- goth name of Death’s Dark Avenger. We’re still waiting for that one, even thou it will probably never happen but with Corman prodaction you just never know. In the meantime you can enjoy this song.
Verdict:Vampirella movie actually had some potential, even as a B movie but for that to work you would have to go all in with the Hard R and do not skimp on nudity and gore. Even Talisa Soto (Mortal Kombat, Licence to Kill) was not a bad choice, even though she definitely needed to gain a few pounds so she can fill the iconic skimpy suit properly. Unfortunately Wynorski and Corman decided to go straight for camp, and managed to extract all the worst parts of a comic and the effects well, they look like Corman hand drew them on film himself! That is even a real possibility given how historically cheap he could be.
One of the redeeming values of this movie is of course Roger Daltrey (of The Who fame) who’s performance is so over the top that you have no choice but be entertained by it.
Ah, “The Crow” series. It started out so well, but has become so pathetic after just four installments, that it almost makes you feel pity for the poor souls with the bad luck to get involved in it (including self-pity as well). Each subsequent sequel has been worse than the previous, their scripts little more than carbon copies of the original. “The Crow: Salvation” was so bad, it will only be remembered for one thing: it co-starred a young Kirsten Dunst. Which brings us to “The Crow: Wicked Prayer”, a movie that is so bad on so many levels that it makes our critique of “Salvation” seem unfair. So here goes nothing.
Emo edition
Let’s start from the beginning. Intro: Starring Edward Furlong from “Terminator 2”. Hm if he even had quit his usage of drugs during filming, he for sure had increased dose after this mess was over. Next, yet-to-be washed up whore Tara Ried. Then she was just plain whore. Dennis Hopper from “Apocalypse Now’ (and “Space Truckers”)? Boy, did he go low! Wait? Who is this? Recently retired MMA fighter and ex-husband of Jenna Jamison – Tito Ortiz? Now I know why this franchise went dead! Oh and Danny Trejo had also found his place in this travesty.
Man, he is both ugly and dumb
The honor of the opening scene belongs to chef Famine (played by Tito Ortiz – the creature from the picture above). He works as a fry cook for mining company. There is some riot nearby. Local Raven Aztec tribe wants to close the toxic mine which polluted their land. Instead of it they want to open, guess what? An fucking Indian casino! I mean, it is year 2005, come on! So Famine uses his position to poison miners who were quietly eating his food. Their cause is also helped by Pestilence (played by Yuki Okumoto) and War (played by Marcus Chong). It is clear that these guys are trying to resemble 4 horsemen of apocalypse (although there are only 3 of them), All 3 of them rescue Death/Luc Crash/Satan (played by David Boreanaz) from jail. And his mistress is none
other than Lola (played by Tara Ried). All together, their goal is to raise hell on Earth.
Death couple
Total of 7 people were attending grand opening of Raven Aztecs Resort Casino. Such public interest surely justifies all that previous killing. One of them is white-trash Jimmy Cuervo (played by Edward Furlong). Jimmy seems not to be that much interested in gambling as in Lily (played by Emanuelle Chriqui, best known for her role in “Wrong Turn”) who is daughter of tribal chief. Two of them are having an affair despite the will of her father Harold (played by Danny Trejo) and her brother Tanner (played by Dave Lortiz). Determined to ask Lily for her hand (despite the fact that he is convict on parole who lives in a trailer) Jimmy comes to her workplace only to find her captured by Crash and the company. Their plan is to resurrect demons or something supernatural like
that. To this end, they have extracted lovely Lily’s eyes and poor Jimmy’s heart (which continued to beat long after extraction) as part of some kind of ceremony. It’s all very black magicish. At least as black magicish as it can get with Tara Reid chanting random “magic” spells. Needless to say that young Tara looks much better while wearing mask which covers almost her entire face. As for ritual itself, after it was completed, Crash got very poorly carved “666” into his chest.
If you are into gay hotline call 666
Crash dumped their bodies locked up in two old fridges onto nearby depony. As it always happen, crow flies over there and resurrects poor Jimmy. Unfortunately, things go downhill from here. Young Eddie Furlong, long removed from battling evil cyborgs from the future, makes for a poor Crow. Haunted by memories of his lost love (shown in quick cuts MTV style), he burned down his trailer, used a REGULAR marcer to paint his face and sets on path of playing a vengeance-fueled zombie avenger who looks more like transsexual emo teenager than a person of whom you should be afraid of.
Get out of here!
Everything is ready for payback. First one to go is Pestilence. Jimmy confronts him at local bar. Of course, Pestilence wouldn’t take him serious. Not a surprise keeping in mind Jimmy now looks like a sad clown. Anyway, it turned out to be huge mistake since Pestilence ended up beaten like a crap and electrocuted. Famine had no better luck either. Crow smashed him at Raven Fest party where bad guys had crashed in. Then he sits down to have a long, boring chat with Crash and Lola. Seriously. In that order. Entire crew saw resurrected Jimmy so all cards are on the table now.
This havoc had just speed up Luc’s plans to become the Satan himself. In order to achieve that he needs to marry with Lola and sacrifice a virgin. Since they couldn’t find any virgin girl (no surprise there) they had to move onto the next best thing. And that is 40 years old fat black man virgin. This movie has just became 20 times worse than it was. And it was baaaaaad. So they visit El Nino (paled by Dennis Hopper), a black priest who owns a church/striptease bar (no naked nuns there, if such thought came across your filthy mind) and who will perform the ceremony. Crow crashes Crash’s party but it was too late. The ritual was over and Crash managed to become the Satan. It is really silly that Luc Crash had done all of this just to have his revenge on God because his
father died. Lola took her revenge as well on El Nino, because he was forcing her to sleep with fat people when she was younger. It seems that everyone here had a deal with the devil. The only thing remained to do is to produce new antichrist. But Crow interrupts Luc’s honeymoon at nearby Indian burial mound (with loud Lora’s protests about not getting what she needs the most) and all night matrix-style battle commenced. In the morning Crow was the last man standing and now he can go back and live with his memories. Forever, and ever, and ever…
Conclusion: The most unfortunate thing about “Wicked Prayer” is that it’s actually a serviceable drama in the early parts, when it just involved white trash Jimmy’s romance with Indian princess Lily, and the fact that Lily’s family doesn’t approve. Alas, once the lovebirds are knocked off and Jimmy resurrected, things go downhill from there. It was directed by Lance Mungia, who made a name for himself with the low-budget “Six-String Samurai”, an action-packed martial arts film shot entirely on weekends, and was as nonsensical as action movies from the ’80s, of which it was patterned after. Coming off that film, it’s easy to see how Mungia could forget that this is supposed to be a dark and somber revenge tale, not some chop socky kung-fu flick, Nothing about “Wicked Prayer” works. Even its first reveal of Furlong as the Crow is barely serviceable, with not even one-tenth of the grand entrance of Brandon Lee climbing out of his grave in a rain-soaked night. Unfortunately the writers do manage to keep the most annoying constant of the “Crow” films — namely the bad guys’ uncanny ability to figure out that the Crow’s power is dependent on the crow that follows him around. The bad guys, the supposed source of the Crow’s hatred and rage, are barely bad enough to qualify as villains at all. Whenever they are about to kill someone, these guys can’t decide if they are cold-blooded killers or just poor schmucks in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s a little hard to get behind the whole, “Kill’em all and let God sort’em out” mentality when you can’t even be sure if the bad guys are all that bad. Entire decade had passed since and another Crow sequel was not made. We pray things stay that way.
We already talked to some length of our love of Kazahstani cinema. From the long lost action of Blizhniy Boy with Kickboxer/ MMA fighter Cung Le and the veterans like David Caradine, Carry- Hiroyuki Tagawa and Garry Busey to Beyond the Game with everyone from Olivier Grunner and Mark Dacascos to Eric Roberts and Michael Madsen.
Well, now we finally have a new trailer (and the release date) for the long gestating Diamond Cartel (formerly know as The Whole World at Our Feet). Featuring (as always) all- star cast of Armand Assante , Michael Madsen, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Tommy “Tiny” Lister, Don “Dragon” Willson, Olivier Gruner, final performance of acting legend Peter O’Toole and my personal favorite old school Kung Fu ass-kicker Bolo Yeung!
Enjoy the trailer and we’ll talk about the movie after it comes out March 31.
After the surprising success of the original The Crow movie, directed by Proyas and staring the late Brandon Lee the studio decided that The Crow concept is good enough to warrant a series ala Nightmare at Elm Street. Unfortunately The Crow mythology was never really built for a franshize. The author of the original comicbook James O’Barr did his best to keep the control of the projects with different pitches for sequels like the one with a Native American of the Crow tribe coming back from the dead to avenge his family (later comic-ized as The Crow: Dead Time) and the female Crow who died on her wedding day (now a basis for O’Barr’s still unpublished The Crow: Engines of Despair) but both were rejected.
Still unpublished The Crow: Engines of Despair
The second part ended up being a The Crow: City of Angels with Vincent Perez, actually a fairly decent film that still failed to live up to the expectation after the original. Dimension Films decided not to stop there so another sequel was put into production, this time with even less of a budget.
The movie starts with an overly dramatic execution scene of conveniently named Alex Corvis via the electric chair in the local prison. Our hero is accused of stabbing his girlfriend 20- something odd times and people are cheering his demise. He is of course innocent and as it usually goes returns from the dead with a roasted face that somehow evolves intro something alike a classic The Crow jester make- up. As he runs away we are treated to a not so good suicide dive followed by a really bad shapeshift moment! So the Crow flies with him but he also turns into a crow too, isn’t that a bit too much?
The mystical crow leads him to the police department’s evidence room, where he discovers proof that his girlfriend Lauren was killed by a group of corrupt cops. He also has a vision of the leader of the killers who has a scars on his arm. He goes to her grave and there, he runs into Lauren’s younger sister Erin, played coincidentally by young Christine Dunst (who would find much bigger success in another comicbook series some years later). She doesn’t seem to recognize him at first but when she does she gets really angry still believing he is the killer but he promises to prove otherwise and then disappears.
Unfortunately Morbus is just too gangly and funny to be a convincing angel of revenge
He tracks down his friends Leonard who testified falsly and got him in all this jam. Turns out he testified in return for a job at a CONSTRUCTION! This just might be the single worst deal in the history of film. He gets names of the corrupt cops out of him and goes on a wild killing spree.
After killing a cop via car crash (you can do fun stuff like that when you’re invulnerable) he uses the evidence he found on him to convince Erin of his innocence. It turns out her father Nathan had dealings with the cops and that started this whole mess.He owns a business company cops used for smugling drugs.After trying to prove to her that her death was a mistake he ends up killing himself. In a really cheep twit it turns out the main leader of the evil cops is- the police chef! Also a dabbler in the occult (I mean, who isn’t) and the man with the scars. Already knowing the way to cheat the crow (not so smart animal after all) he organizes and ambush for Alex in a “modern” night club (they have computers and really bad cameras and stuff). Alex of course thrives in the chaos and kills more than couple of cops. We even have a default impalement on a pipe, a staple of American cinema.
Impalement pipe- don’t leave your home without it!
Now one of the detectives manages to ignite a gas leak (remember that pipe from minutes ago) and the whole place goes up in flames and then in all the dead bodies Alex finds a severed arm with the scars. His mission is finally done. Or is it? Of course not. It turns out the Cheif of police faked it, and managed to trick the fate itself.You see having finished his task Alex is now without his powers and can finally be stopped. This moment really drags movie (even further) down. I mean if the mystical crow is this stupid I don’t thing a single death would be successfully avenged.
He confronts the Cheif but knowing he has an uper hand he stabs him to death all the while convincing him he really is guilty of his girlfirends death. What a deranged prick! He with a help of detective Madden and his slut secretary drag him to the taxidermy room (that exist in a police station- for some reason) and we find the sister Erin there too- with her mouth stitched shut. Now when all seems lost the crow shows up, take’s Erins bracelet, drops it on Alex and he finally comes back to life all reachached and ready to go. Man, this movie loves it’s clishes so much!
Alex being back in revenge mode manages to defeat everyone and he chooses to place the Cheif on the same electric chair that he was on. Poetic justice all the way. After that he returns to being dead, the necklaces now resting on the cross on his grave. Trivia: This movie does continue the cool tradition of having cool alternative rock/ industrial/ metal bands contribute to the soundtrack.Just listen to this Danzig track.
Unfortunately by the time the forth movie rolled over (more on that one soon) the budget for the soundtrack became non- existent and they stopped that particular tradition. Trivia, continued: It’s interesting how almost every move post- the original Brandon Lee hit turned out to be such a miss. Like I said, Dimension Films ignored some really descent story ideas from James O’Barr, just the damn author of the whole thing. Then there was a whole crazy script treatment for TheCrow V that involved resurrection of a good and evil rappers starring (then young) Eminem and Doctor Dre. That leads us all the way to today with Relativity Media remake that was supposed to be directed by Javier Gutierrez (who even went as far as to ask for O’Barr’s blessing) with Luke Evans as Eric, after that fell trough Jack Huston has signed to direct with Andrea Riseborough as (female) Top Dollar, Corin Hardy after that and then Relativity bankruptcy happened. Strangely they kept pushing the project even after the bankruptcy now with Jason Momoa (Game of Thrones, Justice League) attached as a lead by trust me- don’t hold your breath.
Bradley Cooper, once attached as Eric -thankfully that never happened.
I understand the early eighties were marked by, I don’t know, 1,050 horror slashers, each with their own little twist on the horror genre, each wanting to take a piece of the pie. But only a handful and I do truly mean 5 of 1050 were effective. Curtains was NOT one of them.
Actress Samantha Sherwood (played by Samantha Eggar) is a long time collaborator with director Jonathan Stryker (played by John Vernon). She gets the rights to his latest project Audra for him. Audra is imagined to be a mad woman. So they visit Dr. Pendleton (played by Calvin Butler) where she acts out as a charade in order to get into asylum for research (something like Daniel Day-Lewis who went living with Indian tribe for his role in “The Last of the Mohicans” if rumors are to be trusted). She is truly dedicated actor, I give her that. While being there she found out that Stryker is holding audition for her role in his mansion with 6 more other actresses ready to do everything to get the role. Even having sex and committing murder! And guess what? He left her in asylum without saying goodbye! Now she really can get mad! And she plans to get it back!
You see, the interesting thing about asylums is….
One of the actresses, Amanda (played by Deborah Burgess) couldn’t make it to the audition. After unsuccessful sexual role-play with her boyfriend (her fetish is raping) and after dreaming about herself being killed by doll, she got actually stabbed in the dark by some mysterious person wearing an old lady mask. Well, I guess that ends her career. She might appear in commercials though, like many other dead celebrities. Anyway, all the other actresses had arrived on time, including Samantha who made an unexpected cameo. There all of the girls confirmed to us once again how big sluts they are and what they would do to get this role. Especially a comedian Petti O’Connor (played Lynne Griffin) who wants to be taken seriously and who is most probably the biggest slut of them all. Washed up actress Brooke Parsons (played by Linda Thorson) even mentioned a murder. No such problems for Matthew (played by Michael Wincott) who already got the lead male role and now he can enjoy in casting couch (or jacuzzi in this case) with Tara Demillo (played by Sandra Warren).
Real Hollywood stars
While rivalry between the actresses is building up naive-looking Christie Burns (played by Lesleh Donaldson) decides to take a chill out with ice-skating at nearby frozen pond. There she finds the doll in a snow and that was the cue for the masked killer to bust in with sickle in hand. The whole scene is put together in such a wonderfully campy way with the music and the slow motion. The seriousness of the acting adds to the campy feel of the movie. It’s like an Actors Studio discussion and killings happen every once in a while. Anyway, Christie used the doll as a shield and then as a weapon. She banged the killer in the head with it. Instead of unmasking the villain Christie loses her head and runs into forest where killer finds her and makes her lose her head once again, this time definitely.
The next morning, at rehearse, Stryker announces that he has found the note left for him by Christie in which she states that she is leaving mansion because this was too much to handle for her. If you think this was suspicious then what would you say for the next scene when Stryker throws that mask to Samantha, asking from her to seduce him? Does he know something? Or has the old director finally went insane in demanding perfection? I guess we are going to find out soon. As for Christie, Brook finds her head inside toilet seat. But as it is the usual case in such movies, head disappeared while she called for help. To calm herself down Brook had a sex with Stryker. Two birds with one stone. And Samantha saw them!
Oh someone clogged the toilet again
Meanwhile, killing spree continues. Laurian Summers (played by Anne Ditchburn) had danced her last dance that night. And I think we can rule out Stryker as a suspect since him and Brooke got shot while standing together and drinking. Matthew? Oh we won’t be seeing him again. He ended up the same way he lived – in a jacuzzi. Tara had put up a decent fight and almost managed to unmask the killer, but she also ended up like Christie. So we are down to Samantha and Patti. They are having conversation over glass of champagne during which Samantha confesses murder of Stryker and Brooke in pretty coldblooded manner. But the last say in this is Patti’s. To return the favor she confesses murders of other actresses while stabbing Samantha with large knife. And for all of her efforts she eventually got to play the role of Audra…in asylum! Hah poetical justice!
Conclusion: This movie is one of the slowest and most boring slasher movies I’ve seen in a long time. It takes a good third of the movie to get to what it’s all about: six actresses are auditioning for a role of a “lifetime” but they’re being picked off one-by-one by someone who would “kill” for the role. The mask worn by the killer is shown way too much and loses its creepy factor very early on. Though I must admit that such hideous and creepy mask deserves much better movie. There is no straight line here in Curtains; you have horrible dialogue, laughable acting and a hollow plot. The gore was nothing, the sex all-but non-exist and the less said about so called “twist” at the end – the better. Meh I could hardly have expected more from Canadians.
To celebrate the release of the new Black and Chrome edition of the fantastic Mad Max: Fury Road we take a look at the seemingly endless number of films it inspired: the good, the bad and the ugly!
Directed by “Italian George Miller” Enzo Castellari this movie takes a peek into distant future (8 years later) where war is raging between street gangs in post-apocalyptic New York. Amidst all of that is the gayest anti-hero Mark Gregory (who mysteriously disappeared from the face of the Earth) who manages to reunite street gangs and win against evil government agent Hammer (played by Vic Morrow). Fred Williamson also takes roll in this battle.
Another feature from mastermind of The Bronx Warriors Enzo Castellari only one year later. This time two mercenaries Scorpion (played by Giancarlo Prete) and Nadir (played by Fred Williamson) help wandering caravans fight off an evil band of white-clad bikers after the nuclear holocaust. In order to achieve this they had to go through a living hell, including Scorpion’s ass being penetrated by gang of gay Templars in this hilarious scene:
03. Made by a Pinoy c- movie maestro Cirio H. Santiago and staring our favorite Aussie bad-ass Richard Norton and eponymous. Equalizer 2000 (1987) the movie doesn’t offer much in the way of story but makes it all up with a whole lotta bullets and bombs (one babe too). Also Norton swears that the damned thing could actually work and I’m not going to question him for sure.
Swayze is most popular when dancing (), or fighting people in bars but in the late 80’s Swayze decided to take a post-apocalyptic vacation of sorts. In this career left turn Road Warrior meets Martial Arts as Swayze plays. Also it’s worth noting that new regions like China are just discovering the Mad Max franchise as evident recent rip- off , the Chinese Mad Shiella. So, I guess post- apocalyptic wasteland won’t stop being a popular destination any time soon.
01. Steel Frontier (1995) places Joe Lara (Legends of Tarzan) in a post- apocalyptic Western wasteland and surprisingly- it works! Actually it’s a good candidate for my favorite Lara film. The plot is your basic Yojimbo/ Fistfull of Dollars thing but if it works why fix it. General is played by always super entertaining Brion James (General Quantrell) and Lara even goes mano- a- mano with Kane Hodder aka Jason Vorhees himself!
It is holiday season and what could be better way to celebrate it than with bloodshed? New Year is just around the corner which means many of seasonal killers are waking up from their hibernation, hungry for blood and vengeance for any demented reason they might have. And who knows, maybe this night you are going to be lucky enough to be picked for dying in the most brutal ways your twisted mind can imagine.
This MGM/Cannon offspring starts with phone talk between two friends, Diane (played by Roz Kelly) and Yvonne (played by Alicia Dhanifu). Naturally, when two women are yacking on the phone, you can’t expect any constructive conversation. And as usual, they are badmouthing Diane’s husband Richard. To be honest, Yvonne tipped him off to his wife as she had seen him wasted in Palm Springs (I really can’t blame him considering how boring is his wife). Well that was her last gossip since couple of moments later, after hanging up the phone, she ended up brutally slaughtered. Serves her right for getting involved in men’s business she doesn’t understand.
Put a sock in it…or knife!
Diane is punk rock star known as Blaze and New Year’s countdown starts with her hosting Hollywood Countdown show. she seems far too old and unattractive to be hosting this kind of show and given the way she dresses and acts she seem more like she would be more at home hosting games of bingo than a music show that seems to aimed at the punk rocker set. Also she has grown son Derek (played by Grant Cramer) who practically begs for her attention. Anyway, viewers can call her live and vote for the best song. All is going well until Diane receives a phone call from an odd sounding stranger claiming his name is Evil, who announces on live television that he going to kill someone close to her at midnight. I guess he doesn’t like songs which are presented on voting list. And he is obviously a man of his word since he butchered a nurse while having sex with her (win-win situation). He calls back Diane to inform her about keeping her promise right on Eastern Central Time and announces when the clock strikes twelve in each time zone, a ‘Naughty Girl’ will be punished ,then the killer signs off with a threat claiming that Diane will be the last Naughty Girl to be punished. Cops informed Diane about both nurse and Yvonne and now she is scared for her life.
Homicide hot line
While his mother is going through a living hell Derek cuts her red stockings and puts it over his face while watching her show. I don’t see the point of this scene since we know that Derek is not the killer. Face of Evil had been shown to us in previous scenes but there are some similarities between him and Derek. Maybe the director Emmett Alston wanted to give us false lead. If that is the case he shouldn’t have shown us the real killer before it. Or maybe it is not false lead after all? Anyway, our real killer turns out to be master in disguise. He puts false mustaches on his face (and that’s all, he didn’t even change the haircut or color of the hair) and goes to some club where he picks some bimbo with promise he is going to take her to wild New Year party. His plan went
wrong when she suddenly took her roommate Lisa with herself. Needing a time to improvise Evil cruised through streets while bimbo was dribbling into his ear about self-help meditations she has been practicing. In that moment even I felt the urge to strangle her with my bare hands. Evil had done the next best thing. He pulled over his car, sent Lisa to buy Champagne and killed bimbo by putting a plastic bag over her head. And then sliced her throat (better safe than sorry). But that was not the end of it. There is still nosy roommate needed to be disposed off. So Evil creates a trail of shoes which leads to nearby secluded dumpster. Of course, Lisa follows the trail and when she approached – big surprise peek a boo, I see you!
As it is his habit Evil ran over to the nearest phone booth to inform Diane about his most recent achievement. Lt. Clayton (played by Chris Wallace) now can only wait for new victims hoping for killer to make a wrong move. He also follows the schedule and announces that Evil will strike again at 11 pm. And boy, was he right. Now disguised as a priest, Evil went to the local drive in theater where he unexpectedly killed some unsuspecting biker who got in his way. Beware of hand of God for it shall slice you! But the biker was not alone. Soon motorcycle band stormed in the theater which made Evil started to panic. So he quickly hijacked the car of some teenage couple who were having fun on the backseat. It seemed that the poor girl was done for especially since her
boyfriend was chucked out of the car back in theater. But she was lucky enough to take opportunity to escape when Evil went outside to have a fight with two drunken idiots he almost had run over. Boy, was his face red! Oh, Oh and the movie that was giving in drive in cinema was 1963. horror classic “Blood Feast”. See the link?
’60s slashers are the best turn on
Evil manages to sneak into Diane’s show by killing a police officer and taking his uniform. There we find out his true identity. It is Diane’s husband – Richard (played by Kip Niven). He got Diane right where he wanted her to be – in stuck elevator (which he had previously sabotaged; no porn pun intended). He explains to her that he knows about her cheating around. Derek has told him all about that. Derek also said that his mother tried to seduce him and cut his and his father’s allowance (?) So Richard got fed up of her and Yvonne. And the reason why he killed other women is that they are all the same manipulative, selfish, materialistic whores. Hm can’t argue with that. He left Diane hanging by elevator while police cornered him in good old-fashion rooftop chase. There he decides to end his life the only way appropriate for cheesy 80s slashers – ridiculous falling off the building while wearing some kind of comedian mask. And Diane somehow managed to survive. Looks like happy ending. Or is it? You see, Derek took his father’s mask, sneaked in ambulance van his mother was in, took out paramedics leaving him alone with his mother. The end?
Conclusion: Overall this one doesn’t have all that much going for it. One of the many problems here is the fact that this one comes off as a bland, boring thriller which just takes so much out of the film. Premise doesn’t really hold up that much. By using a series of utterly obnoxious story lines is where that tends to fall as the different story lines really don’t make any sense. The fact that the premise isn’t really all that spectacular enough is the prime motivator here which requires a lot of excess scenes along the way to hold itself up, some of which is found by it being dragged out indefinitely with a series of endless and utterly innocuous songs of local bands that really aren’t that great. Kip Niven thinks he’s doing this big theatrical part, but he’s too nerdy to pull it off. His body is tiny, and teeny and yet he can kill women larger than he is. He happens to be in the area where his target victims are and it gets worse: according to the movie, he didn’t plan this. New Year’s Evil ends up being one of the most lifeless, dull films that the Cannon Group ever produced. Watch it at your own risk. The fact that you’re immune to higher-quality mediocre movies just means that you have a higher tolerance for bad movies now. Thank God a sequel wasn’t made.
Movie starts as promised with a shot of seemingly badass biker on the road, testing his futuristic new bike. Turns out the mysterious biker is none other than legendaryRe-Animator mad scientist Jeffrey Combs!
This scene lasts way too long!
We cut to the local gym where Combs’s girlfriend Terry (Heather Thomas of Zapped) is working out furiously under the watchful eye of her friend and trainer … She proceeds to get some “turbo oil” (from Oscar winning old actor Martin Landau! )for her super- scientist boyfriend but some redneck bikers lose their mind over here- I guess they don’t see blonde aerobic babes all that often (strange ’cause it’s the 80’s). Anyway she shows her Martial Arts prowess and kicks their asses.
Combs seems happy to see her, and gets his oil. She insists they have to go to the Disco club. He reluctantly agrees but in turns forces her, blonde bimbo that she is- to recite some physics.That’s some really weird stuff there but it each their own.
I guess it’s something like this for Combs…
He relents and she drags him to the party with some kind of ridiculous hybrid Punk/ Disco band is playing. Unfortunately some crazed Mad Max extras suddenly show up and stab Combs to death. Man, he should have guessed- nothing good ever comes out of Disco music.
It turns out her boyfriend was secretly working for the government. They hope she can take them to his project so secret that not even the secret service can find it. They follow her but they have no idea that the secret lab was actually in her apartment all along. As she enters message from Combs plays and he entrusts her to the secret of the super- bike the Cyclone, it’s rockets and lasers included. Only person that can be trusted is mysterious man called Bob Jankings, her mission is to find him and hand the bike over to him.
So basically her dead boyfriend is trying to get her to risk her own neck too. Being a blonde bimbo that she is- she accepts.
I don’t know why but she drove all night long, I would guess that something as powerful as Cyclone can get her to another city in in mere minutes, but I guess I was wrong. Unfortunately as they meet, Bob Jenkins, the dude who’s suppose to solve all this mess, gets shot, with a crossbow none the less!!!
Cyclone is supposedly the cutting edge of the military technology but in reality it looks just like Chuck Norris’s bike in Delta Force.
She does the only thing she can think of, drives over to her gym teacher Carla (Ashley Ferrare). Unfortunately (again) it turns out villains were (again) one step ahead of her. They take Carla hostage and blackmail her into giving the secrets of Cyclone (there’s a ground-breaking power supply called Transformator that is needed to power the bike).
In a shocking twist it turns out one of the agents from the beginning was in fact behind the death of her boyfriend. Somehow it seem that secret service is way less benevolent that previously presumed. They offer her half a million dollars, their chief drives a hard bargain but she refuses. Mad Max character proceeds to torture her, strangely attaching electrical wires to her thighs of all places.
Then we have another double cross, it turns out Carla was on it too! So, I guess everyone in her live is some sort of a secret agent. Then, the only remaining agent not in the warehouse shows up, that’s the lady agent Martine Beswick (former Bond girl and the star of Hammer film’s Dr. Jackyll and Sister Hyde). She seems to be the only one not on the payroll as she shoots up the place. She shows no mercy and even her old partner ends up on the floor riddled with bullets.
She freed herself and got to the bike and then it turns out Transformer was in her boobs all along! Too bad nobody though of checking there. Agents then go straight after her but now we finally see the Cyclone in full power! She starts shooting lasers like there’s no tomorrow and all resistance proves futile. Seeing what people would do for revolutionary technology like that she destroys the Transformator and hitches a ride home– ’cause in the 80’s progress is always pure EVIL.
Verdict: Now despite the lack of budget and it’s ridiculous story-line I still prefer Cyclone to the whole overrated Fast and Furious franchise. This at least has some actual nice stunts work with real (not animated!) cars and some genuinely planed (and otherwise) funny bits. FF for the most part has none of it.
His movies are cheese as hell, but Fred Olen Rey never fails to entertain and you have to give him credit for that.
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