Now, I’m a big fan of the Kazahstani cinema, not ’cause I think directors are overly talented but for the sheer fact that they approach film-making like the kid collecting the stickers- they try really hard to collect them all.
And then you have things like Olivier Gruner (Nemesis, Alien Interceptor), Mark Dacascos (Crying Freeman, Brotherhood of the Wolf, Agents of SHIELD), Martin Kove (Karate Kid, Rambo 2, Assault on Devil’s Island), Cary Tagawa (Mortal Kombat, The Man in the High Castle), Eric Roberts (Runaway Train, Best of the Best, Raptor), Billy Zane (Titanic, Phantom), Michael Jai White (Spawn, Black Dinamite), Bai Ling (Age of Hobbits,The Crow, Crank 2), Kevin Sorbo (Hercules), Kristina Loken (Terminator 3), Armand Assante (The Odyssey, Prophecy) and Danny Trejo (Machete) all working on the same freakin’ movie!
And it’s about manhunt + reality TV mix with a fare share MMA action to boot- who can say no to that?
Now that you’ve enjoyed the trailer, prepare for more Kazahstani goodness ’cause we are expecting another offering from them this year and that’s The Whole World at Our Feet with unlikely mix ofArmand Assante, Peter O’Tool and Bolo Yeung! Hope they never stop doing what they do.
This movie is a heavy crap, there is no doubt about that. But, thanks to couple of redeeming values and elements, it is a watchable crap. Sure, it doesn’t qualifies as “so bad it’s good’ flick and most of the time it isn’t even enjoyable, but still… Plot is bizarre and unusual, and that’s one of the things which are making this movie fun to watch.
As introduction into story we see 3 girls performing some kind of blood sisters ceremony in the forest. They also mention their idol anti-Christmas virgin, whatever it may be. One of them gets cut on her hand and the ceremony is interrupted. Or so it may seem. Blood has been spilled and something started emerging from the smoking ground. But our girls have already left the scene so they didn’t see what king of mess they have made. One of them, Kirsten (played by Julie Austin) went straight home just to get slapped by her German grandfather (played by Borah Silver) in wheelchairs for taking his book and going into forest. He is worried, which means he knows something. But what?
It’s alive!
Kirsten’s entire family seems a bit of the edge, with her psychotic young mother (played by Deanna Lund) who drowns cats in toilet seat, and her kid brother who enjoys watching his sister taking a shower and then talking about her big tits (which are not that big at all). It is not much better situation at her workplace either. She tried to release a pressure while sitting in the knee of mall Santa but that old scum not only refused to give Kirsten a present but he demanded oral as well in front of everybody (I guess Santa has his own wishes just like everyone else). Of course, the only oral he has gotten is oral sacking from his boss. Feeling rejected, perverted Santa goes to the locker room in order to sniff some cocaine. With such behavior he crossed the line (hehe cocaine – line, get it?) and ended up butchered by someone. Or something!
Children, there won’t be any Christmas this year
While police, like a bunch of morons they are, are probably suspecting some unsatisfied kid to be the killer, a new face shows up. His name is Mike McGavin (played by Dan Haggerty) and he is washed up deadbeat ex-detective. He came to the mall in search for a job. Could he crack the case? Being not discouraged by fate of the previous Santa (or out of despair) he gladly accepts job offer for a place of the new mall Santa. All hail! Santa can’t die. Only people who play him can. Anyway, chain smoking Mike finds a strange symbol on the murder scene which awakes detective in him. Tho he seems conflicted about that while saying “I am not a detective. I am Santa”. But despite everything he decides to investigate it further. Later that night, Kirsten sneaked into the mall with
her slutty friends so they could try out lingerie in peace. Mike, who now lives in the murder scene after being evicted from camp trailer (man that’s one solid rock bottom) catches them red-handed. But that’s not all the trouble they faced. While they were negotiating (Mike sneaked in there as well) a couple of guys who look like time traveling agents of Gestapo assaulted them with no explanation. And to make things worse the Elf (which more looks like a ghoul apart of pointy ears) has decided to crash into this late night party. Complete chaos emerges where no one knows who is chasing who to kill. Result: slutty friends are mutilated, while Gestapo, Kirsten and Mike managed to escape.
Outfit fit for a bimbo
After visiting Kirsten’s home and seeing the same strange symbol under the Christmas Tree, Mike decides to investigate deeper the meaning of that symbol. So he visits Dr. Fitzgerald, a mad scientist, who starts babbling about elves being a fallen angels who tempered with women and stated that Nazis are just a bunch of crackpots. He sends Mike to Professor O’Conner who can give him more information about the subjects. Then Mike storms into professors’ house right in the middle of family diner. There professor explains him that there are two schools of thought about elves. Both theories sound out of this world and both of them include Nazis. Bottom line of this is that an elf is going to mate with perfect human virgin on a Christmas Eve thus creating a master race that will rule the world. Anyway, I am not going to write down entire explanation since I am feeling last traces of my sanity are dripping away just when thinking about it. If you are interested in detailed theory check out video below:
Meanwhile, Kirsten and her mother are having an argue back at home. Kirsten wanted to know why her mother is resenting everyone, especially her. After throwing a death of her into her mother’s face Kirsten learns about that her grandfather is also her father! Now how about that for a twist? Kirsten storms out to the study where she confronts her (grand)father. He admits that he had done that in order to control inbreeding so they could make the perfect genetic line (the origin of her little brother remains unknown to us). One thing is still not clear to me: How the hell did they manage to preserve an unconventionally handsome girl to stay a virgin for almost 20 years? Sounds as much possible as an existence of elves.
As for Kirsten’s mother, after taking the burden off her chests, she decides to have one nice relaxing bath. Just in the moment when she started forgetting about her problems (yeah, inbreed is a trivial matter) the elf shows up and fries her by throwing a radio into the bathtub. Now I am not sure that this is possible at all, and even if it were, then who the fuck would place a radio right above the bathtub where it can easily trip over and kill you? What about if the earthquake occurs? Had she been thinking about the earthquake?
Mike is back and he has brought some Nazis with him as well. Remember Gestapo fellows? Well they were monitoring and following him to the Kirsten’s home. He managed to create diversion and buy himself some enough time to confront grandfather. There he learns all about inbreed in their family. There was some gibberish about anti-Christ but I couldn’t understand a word because of grandfather’s strong German accent. Ashamed of what he did he showed them how to kill an elf using a dagger made of special crystal called Elfstone. So, special crystal of elves is used to kill elves. Makes sense like anything else so far. Just in that moment Gestapo people storm into the house and another chaos emerges. This time they end up dead, together with grandfather while Kirsten yet again has managed to escape. So has the elf. He catches her on the same spot she had summoned him at the beginning of the movie which marks the start of the mating season. He really took his time which shows us that even an elves like foreplay. But creating of the master race got interrupted by strike of the crystal knife after which poor monster lost his boner, exploded and dematerialized. Still, last scene shows us a fetus which, as usual, leaves a room for a sequel. Either that, or Nazis were successful in conducting their evil master plan. So we are doomed.
Conclusion: One of the notable things about “Elves” is a lack of any kind of explanation whatsoever. Characters come and go without explanation. Acting defies explanation. The elf kills without explanation. Despite the movie title there is only one elf in it. And boy he is laughable, cheesy and plastic. The dialogue seems forced and…what else? Needs an explanation. The plot itself is bizarre and based on accounting that elves do exist. The only problem with it is that elves fucking DO NOT exist! I guess the director Jeffrey Mandel planned Dan Haggerty to be the selling point. But you just can’t expect that one half-famous actor saves the movie in which Nazis are sending one plastic elf that scoots around and can’t close his mouth to impregnate virgin on Christmas Eve. There, I said it!
This movie is a stuff of legends, with it’s unlikely journey from a complete obscurity to the incredible worldwide wide success- and it took just 25 years to do it! You see, the story starts with the young but ambitious Young Kun Kim (김영군), who emigrated from Korea to United States and managed to make a life for himself becoming a well known and well respected Taekwondo instructor. At some point during a radio show somebody suggested that a good way to promote his school would be to produce and star in an action movie(it was the 80’s so this logic kinda makes sense).
Kim happily accepted the challenge and decided to film in his local area of Florida using mostly a crew of his friends and colleagues (with no real experience in film business of course). Now, what they lacked in expertise they sure made up with their sheer enthusiasm and unique vision. How unique, well listen to this…
Biker by day, Ninjas by night!
Enter the ninjas, on motorbikes, stealing cocaine from the local gangsters! Just to sell it themselves. You sure won’t find this anywhere else. Then we cut to the local club that presents “the new dimension in rock’n’roll” synth rock band Dragon Sound. But there is more to the band than what meets the eye, they are Martial Art training orphan highschoolers (even thou some of them are obviously pushing 40). Unfortunately one of the tugs, evil biker ninjas spots his sister Jane singing with the band. He gets extremely jealous for some reason and starts a fight with her boyfriend John, a dumb, tall bass player. That doesn’t stop them from performing again that same night, including a prophetic song “Against the Ninja”.
That seems to be the last straw because bikers/ninjas follow them that night after the show and ambush them. Outnumbered Dragon Sound unleash and show the fact that they are Martial Art masters! Then we get to the fantastic subplot of Maurice Smith looking for his long lost father. After supporting their best friend Dragon Sound gets to other important business like partying on the beach and working out. They also take time to plot a world tour spanning all of their homelands (so from Korea to Ireland to Israel- what a tour).
This scene goes on for way too long!
The band helps out a local Korean restaurant owner- who had some problems with the tugs (don’t we all) but then they get officially challenged by the Ninja Bikers. Jane tries to plead with her brother but to no avail- he’s just too evil (but I knew that already- just look at that beard). I also get the feeling that the next scene, presenting the full biker gang was filmed entirely on the local Biker gathering, less than 2% of guys and gals look like they are acting.
The showdown finally becomes imminent when the gang kidnaps the Dragon Sound mastermind/ guitar player Tom. That was the last drop and the peaceful Martial Artist/Musician/ Students finally transform into deadly killing machines. Under the cover of night they organize a raid on the gang (you can say they out-ninjad the ninjas).
Even thou they killed Jane’s brother everyone seems pretty happy now. But no one is happier than the Jim who finally found HIS FATHER! After seeing Maurice Smith’s performance here I sure know why people used word gay for someone who’s really, really happy.
Unfortunately the luck doesn’t last and on their way to pick up Jim’s father they are ambushed by Ninjas on the motorbikes. Their leader wearing a White Ninja outfit proves especially cruel and difficult.
After barely surviving the wound Jim finally reunites with his father’s who’s strangely the same age as he is (but with his hair whited out) and all is finally well in Miami. We are left with this inspiring message from YK Kim to top it off- and it’s literally cherry on the cake of whole experience. Remember this kids…
Unfortunately the only way to eliminate the violence is with more violence!
Verdict: Unintentional comedy mixed with genuine and innocent emotions of the “actors”, crazy Martial Arts choreography and violence and Musical elements to top it off guaranties that there will never be another movie quite like this one.
I can understand why no distributor wanted to touch this movie back in the day but man, it would have been a shame if programmer at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema didn’t find the reels of Miami Connection on Ebay. World would have been a much duller place without Miami Connection in it. And now that the movie is bona fide hit isn’t it a time for that world tour they talked about so much. I mean the guys (and a girl) can still play, so what’s stopping them? It would make a great TV mini series, that’s for sure.
In the first episode of Vice’s new show “Outsider” the featured movie is non-other than cult-classic Martial Arts meets Rock Band meets Ninjas “Miami Connection” from1987. In it you can see everything from painful memories of Y.K. Kim‘s near bankruptcy (when he spent around million dollars of his money just to see the film go nowhere) to his unlikely comeback as an even more accomplished Martial Art instructor and a MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER too! My personal favorite is the interview with the actor Angelo Janotti (Tom), also the composer of Dragon Sound hits such as”Against the Ninja“, Friends (for Eternity) and “Tough Guy“.
Notice the mighty mullet + mustache combination
You can enjoy the full episode here and we hope VICE continues with this awesome show for a long, long time…
PS Don’t forget to enjoy this awesome synth rock theme, we dare you not to be inspired by this!
After enjoying contemporary action/ horror coming from Indonesia we have progressively gone back to the older and more obscure offerings of their cinematography and truth is- no mater how far you go- it’s still damn awesome! This week we’ll concentrate on their cheese 80’s Sword and Sorcery flick The Devil’s Sword (aka Golok Setan) staring the action star Barry Prima (Ferocious Female Freedom Fighters, The Warrior).
Movie starts with an ancient looking wizard forging the sword out of meteorite (with some crazy synth music playing in the background). Remember this sword, it will play a big role later on. Evil Alligator Queen summons a great warrior Banyujaga– he announces himself with the explosion and evil laughter too. She want’s him to stop the marriage between Sangaja and Pita Loca of all things. He obeys and flies toward the village- on a cloud like Goku non stop laughing so we know that he’s really, really evil.
Banyujaga interrupts the wedding. Father-in-law decides to defend him along with many strong young man but the groom himself looks confused as fuck. After beheading bunch of the villagers bride starts defending him with her awesome Martial Arts. So it seems the groom is the single worst warrior in the village?
Thankfully for the bride Banyujaga ‘s good brother Mandala showed up or she would be dead too. Unfortunately evil forces of the Alligator Queen overwhelm them and Banyujaga menages to run away with the groom- soon to be a sex slave of the evil Queen.
No woman can resist him!
This is a man everyone is fighting and dying for? Mandala rides to his master’s home just to find him on the brink of dying after the attack of a group of evil Martial Art experts (including of course Banyujaga , and super evil witch too). They were after the secret of the mystical Devil Sword but the old men refused to talk. Mandala saves him, using some glowing mushrooms but he still has to cut off his legs in a gory scene than none of us expected.
Mandala goes after the Devil’s Sword but runs into the bride- Pita Loca who’s still determined to get her stupid husband back. The same husband that is boning the hell out of Crocodile Queen that same instant. Knowing that he can’t stop her Mandala accepts the team-up. To get to the mountain of swords they take the boat over the lake. The twist- ferryman is a skeleton! And it that wasn’t enough bunch of evil Alligator men attack them (their costumes are especially funny). Who knew Martial Arts are so effective against Animal-Human hybrids (I guess TMNT tough us that in a way too).
“The league of Evil” already reached the mountain but it turned out their bond was not as strong as they claimed. They start fighting among themselves and we are treated with a crazy 4-way duel using exotic weapons and a fair share of magic too.
In the meantime Mandala and Pita Loca reach the cave and Mandala bravely marches in. After surviving many deadly traps he faces a giant (rubber) cyclops who’s one of the most ridiculous things in this movie (and it’s not like there’s not a LOT to chose from). After taking a hellacious beating he menages to defeat him by jamming a large knife in his eye. Then he finally reaches the sword that comes to him with a help of some cool levitation (aka wires).
State of the art Indonesian FX!
Unfortunately when he returned he finds Loca captured and threatened by his evil brother. That of course segues into a crazy two-on-one Martial Art fight- fest. After defeating they dive in to the Alligator Queen’s realm. Even though they destroyed most of her soldiers but it turns out that not even mighty Mandala can ignore charms of the Alligator Queen? All of a sudden they start fucking and the rest of her followers join in doing the strange belly dancing that turns into a ridiculously funny soft-core orgy. Everybody seems to be enjoying themselves except Loca that ends up locked up in a cell.
WORST. ORGY. EVER
Mandala tries to rest after a hard sex session with the Queen but his Master telepathically contacts him (it must be embarrassing) and he returns to his mission.He fight the guards and in the end menages to destroy the golden Alligator statue- that explodes like everything in this movie. Left without the source of her powers Queen turns into the ugly hag and then they easily dispose of her. Her underwater castle explodes but Mandala menages to escape with the young couple.
Mandala wishes the couple happiness and leaves to have some new adventures I guess. But I still can’t get my head around the fact that Loca would so easily forgive her husbands for his multiple transgressions and not even try to get even (or at least beat him up a little).
Verdict: Yes, the acting is completely laughable at times, special effects are atrociously bad, action choreography get clunky too and the less said about sex scenes- the better, but this movie is so completely bat-shit insane that you are left with no other choice but to go on a ride and enjoy the hell out of it.
P.S. If you enjoyed this review you should also check out the other Indonesian classics like Mystics in Bali.
Long gestating “Expendables of Horror” aka Death House is wrapping up the last day of filming on the East coast today before moving production to LA.
Movie originally started life as a passion project of Gunnar Hansen (the original Leatherface) but he unfortunately didn’t live long enough to see the fruits of his labor.Harrison Smith (Head of Independent Genre Development for Carolco Pictures) is responsible for the rewrite and is also on director duties and we are happy to report things are moving smoothly and by all accounts we can expect the finished product in the late 2016/ early 2017.
Movie of course boasts a pretty impressive ensemble of genre luminaries like our favorite Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes), Kane Hodder (Friday 13th, Monster, Se7en), R. A. Mihailoff (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3), Dee Wallace (Cujo, The Howling), Bill Moseley (The Army of Darkness, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2), Barbara Crampton (Re-Animator,From Beyond), Sid Haig (House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects) and ultra- talented Bill Oberst Jr. (Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies) The only one missing is the legendary Robert Englund (Nightmare at Elm Street). Here’s the synopsis and some early production stills.
You can follow the production on the official facebook page- and the official instagram.
We are back to the good old ’80s slashers (personally my favorite genre). We just can’t say no to cheesiness, gore and a lots of tits. Especially when it is about two demented hot chicks having a party and one of them is the screams queen Linnea Quigley. Another interesting fact about this creatively titled movie is that it had been made when slasher craze was going out of style. So let’s see where this leads to.
The movie starts with a wordless, pointless 10-minutes intro which actually made me wonder if the filmmakers couldn’t afford sound equipment. During this intro we see a hot brunette oiling herself near the pool for entire five minutes, then leaving to the room to have sex with her boyfriend, just to be assaulted by teenage blonde girl after her boyfriend left and went to have a shower. And yeah, he was killed by blonde under a shower in another sex scene.
It turned out this scene was a memory flashback (just the first of many) of blonde girl. Her name is Dawn (played by Linnea Quigley) and she was committed to asylum for many years. Now she is having a conversation with her shrink about her releasing. There we find out that she was touched by her mobster father when she was a little girl, that she made a deal with Amy, who also ended up in nuthouse after her boyfriend was killed by Dawn, that whoever gets out first is going to throw a party when the other one comes out. Now, the shrink is obviously a pervert which helped Dawn to achieve her wish of becoming party organizer by blackmailing a not-so-good-doctor with a sex tape. Yup, doc actually didn’t have much care about professional ethic since he had Dawn molested during their hypnosis séances. Not much after, Amy (played by Karen Russell) had also managed to “convince” Dr. Randolph (played by Lyle Waggoner) to sign her release form. It occurs to me that Amy wasn’t quite the victim in gruesome crime Dawn had committed since she holds hatred for men as well and she is obviously a feminist (though, I have never seen anything even remotely to hot feminist chick). Oh, and Amy is daughter of mobster as well. Anyway, both Dawn and Amy have finally gotten out of nuthouse which means it is a party time!
Seriously, a feminist?
And what kind of girly party it would have been if there weren’t for a boys? Dawn and Amy had invited all of their ex-boyfriends. Now think about it. Two certified crackpots who hold a grudge towards men are throwing a party for themselves and inviting their ex-boyfriends? Call me paranoid but it seems to me that there is something more to it. Something sinister. Muahahahaha. Man, who would be dumb enough to attend such event? Well, I guess we are going to find out that soon. First ones to come were Cary, Kevin, Jeff, and Billy. They were all at some point in the past in relationship with either Amy or Dawn. Cary (played by Allen First) was first to reignite the flames of old love. He displayed a remarkable lack of any male dignity since he jumped immediately to shave Amy’s legs during which she dreamed about cutting his veins. At least it wasn’t without purpose. Yup, he managed to score and pass out of exhaustion after that act. Amy’s comment when she found Cary laying on the floor was “Shit, I think I fucked him to death”. Not many such modest girls these days.
He forgot to shave his wrists
Meanwhile, Dawn and Jeff (played by none other than Eric Freeman from Silent Night Deadly Night 2; although he was credited under a different name Damon Charles) are having their own exhibition in Jeff’s car. Dawn had no problem with fucking with him in convertible but backed out after Jeff (who is Richard Grieco wanna be) asked to perform the blowjob. We can see some nice pair of tits here as well. Back inside Billy (played by Richard Sebastian), after following a trail of Amy’s flirtatious look, ended up in the basement with his head smashed by sledgehammer in this hilarious scene:
He is got PHD – Pounded Head Down
Who could have done such a horrible thing? Was it Eric (played by Michael Jakobs Jr.) who was seen arriving at party moments before Billy’s head was flatted to the ground? I wouldn’t place my bet on him. He is just a pathetic overconfident singer of metal band with a retarded name “Chainsaws”. And he is also one of the Amy’s ex-boyfriends. Just like Cary (who btw went to recharge himself with a dose of good old speed), he hurried up to reignite the old flames. But we won’t be seeing any sex scene between them. What we will see is a sex between Dawn and her friend Bart (played by Rodger Burt) who died instantly after in a Alien related scene for which I have absolutely no explanation.
I guess she learned in asylum how to tie a knot
Now the killing spree is starting. Next victim is poor Cary who just wanted to have some late night snack. But instead of food, someone had his throat stuffed with a broken bottle of Champaign. From behind. Hm at least he doesn’t need to worry about dangers of drugs using anymore.
Jeff and Kevin (played by Stephen Steward) have found Cary’s body. Forgetting their roles of tough guys they started to panic and make a wild assumptions about being targeted by mob hitmans. They even assumed that the murderer had already cut phone lines without even trying to call a cops. Instead they went to one of the cars in which they found a gun. Just when it seemed that lady luck has finally smiled upon them Jeff somehow had transformed himself into the mannequin a moment before the murderer had blown his head in another ridiculous scene.
Masks started to fall off
Kevin decides to team up with Eric (not Freeman) and Amy in order to stop the killer. Well, it is not that he had much of a choice. They finally started suspecting who might be the killer. The Final confrontation took a place where it all had begun – in the basement. Two bulked up guys with guns barely managed to overpower tiny girl with the help of Amy who previously splashed the killer with gasoline. The ending then is written by itself. Or is it? Kevin approached the steaming corpse and removed a mask from it’s head. Scorched face of Dawn appears, she opens her eyes and starts choking Kevin. And that’s the ending that leaves a plenty of room for a sequel. Which luckily never happened.
If you see this girl run for your life!
Conclusion: From the movie in which the killer was the most suspicious person from the beginning and half of it’s crew used fake names (even the director David DeCoetau used strange alias Ellen Cabot) you can’t expect much of a quality. Dialogues are hilarious. Plot attempts to be deceiving with frequent flashbacks like it wasn’t so damn clear who is the murderer. I can’t help the feeling that the hidden message here is some feminist crap about girls power and all men being a pigs (which I am proud of). That’s probably the reason why director took a girly name as his alias. More likely the message is that pussy is the MURDER WEAPON. But it is not everything that bad. Yes, the movie is a complete piece of trash, we could all agree on that. But it is also very entertaining flick, consisted of all slasher elements such as nudity, sex, gore and cheesiness. Worth watching.
We’re continuing Marco Di Gregorio month with this little gem of Rambo inspired mayhem!
Returning home after a long time away (some military mission?) young Navajo warrior Thunder (Mark Gregory) visits The Old One (his great-unkle or something) and learns about about of the breaking of the treaty between their tribe and the Americans. Their sacred burial ground (they insist on calling it a cemetery) on Crow’s Hill is being desecrated by the illegal construction of the highway. Thunder enraged picks a fight with the workers and naturally that pisses off quite a few people in the town.
Gathering some sense Thunder takes the high road and follows the attack up by trying the legal path of stooping construction. He busts the hundred and some years old treaty from it’s dodgy frame and insist an audience with the Sheriff. Sheriff, and old B-movie veteran Bo Svenson (Inglorious Basterds, Kill Bill, Heartbreak Ridge) wants nothing more than to make Thunder disappear and make his life easier.
Thunder continues his crusade by trying to talk to the president of the bank financing the operation but deputy arrests him and exports him out of the town. Also he threatens Thunder’s life if he ever comes back. Now, after policeman leaves rednecks spot him and start chasing him down while spiting out the most racist things they can think of.
Hilarious part is that the worst of the rednecks is Antonio Sabato who’s obviously Italian as one can get.After being tortured and left for dead Thunder vows vengeance on all of the town. He returns just to be attacked by police momentarily (it seems police isn’t interested in anything BUT molesting local Native population. One policeman sounds especially gay with dialogue like “I didn’t give you permission to bend over- yet” and “you’ll be queer by the time I’m done with you”. But unexpectedly Thunder fights back and his one man mission against the police (and other various racists) starts.
After a crazy car chase random journalist Sherman appears and tries to get to the bottom of all the craziness. Chase continues by foot (and contains a hilarious jump down the canyon) until they finally lose him. He even finds a time to save the deputy who’s not an asshole like the rest of the force.
Journalist seeks out The Old One (who sounds like alcoholic Yoda). Following the case he visits the burial ground with the old Indian. Unfortunately deputies are gather there to lay a trap for Thunder and the old one ends up burned to death!!! The scene is both incredibly tragic and hilarious at the same time.
Thunder surprises them during the night and hunt continues. All the dogs, horses and helicopters don’t really help the police when Thunder menages to get a hold of the full military arsenal. Nothing like a Native replacing bow and arrow with a bazooka.
And like shooting up the place wasn’t enough Thunder steals a construction bulldozer and starts wrecking everything including a Police Station!!! In the end he gets surrounded by the police and end seem near but a good guy deputy decides to help him (’cause his grandfather is Navajo) and smuggles him out of town. Thunder is now free, ready to fight another day! Cue in the Western music…
Verdict:Director De Angelis misses a chance to tackle a serious ( and still relevant) theme of treatment of the Native American population in USA and clings to the old Western tropes like his life depends on it.But truthfully what can you expect from the Italian directors who spent most of their lives copying American Westerns. What we’re left with is almost beat for beat copy of the Rambo (a big hit film only a year earlier) just cheesier and way more nonsensical than the original. Also the poor dubbing doesn’t help at all.
But hell, it obviously worked like a charm ’cause this movie was followed by a sequel Thunder II (1987) and even a Thunder III (1988).
In the 80s with the exploitation scene still booming in Italy, a special kind of hero was born. Androgynous heavy metal teenager with a love for bodybuilding was ripped straight from his shoe repair shop and thrown directly onto the silver screen. And ignoring all the detractors who called him gay and made fun of him he actually made quite a splash staring in a surprising string of exploration success- even spawning a number of sequels and all just in a span of several years. Looking at the numbers now, he made the incredible 10 films in a span from from ’82- ’89 including two series like Bronx Warriors 1 and 2 (rip offs of the The Warriors, Escape from New York and Mad Max) and (Navajo) Thunder 1-3 (Rambo). He even had a team-up with another B- movie action hero veteran- Frank Zagarino (Ten Zan: The Ultimate Mission)!
Then after the movie Afganistan – The last war bus disillusioned with a movie industry in just 25 years of age he decides to quit acting. And soon enough every trace of his existence on this earth is gone- just like that! The Bronx Warriors enthusiast Lance Manley spent years trying to locate him, even going as far as contacting his old director Enzo Castellari and visiting the gym he was hitting in the 80’s but to no avail.
There was a rumor earlier that Marco is now working as a marketing specialist in the Milan area but it has since been debunked. New information suggests that he works as a decorator in Cesano near Rome but nothing is confirmed ’till we have a photo of him. One thing is for sure, in the internet era were we can track down anyone and even facilitate a comeback of lost B movie legends like Eric Freeman or Matt Hannon Marco Di Gregorio is still as elusive as ever, still a complete mystery.
This movie is a trashy end of time action flick that was mainly produced to cash in on the success of two prior post-apocalyptic cult movies, Walter Hill’s “The Warriors” (1979) and John Carpenter’s “Escape From New York”(1981). Of course, when Italians want to rip off something who would else they call than the legendary Enzo Castellari. I believe you have already got the picture.
As you can see, in the very distant future (unbelievably 8 years from the year the movie was made) The Bronx is entirely in hands of criminal gangs. The authorities have decided to give up the Bronx and declared this territory to be no man’s land, where people have to kill each other in order to stay alive. So it was no surprise to us when we saw young girl Ann (played by Stefania Girolami) running in fear on the beginning. while running through a tunnel she gets intercepted by homosexual evil roller ball gang. Just when it seemed that she is done for (they certainly didn’t want to rape her) a group of bikers creatively named “The Riders” show out of nowhere and help damsel in distress. A tall, wide breasted, homosexual guy named Trash (played by Mark Gregory)
learned from her that she is from Manhattan and that she is running away of some evil people lurking there, But more of that later.
No women in this picture
When they came back to their compound The Riders found one of their brother Chris laying dead on the docks. Trash then went to a major player in Bronx, called The Ogre (played by none other than Fred Williamson). The Ogre explained to Trash that The Riders should not have trespassed to his area and that actually he did him a favor since Chris was wearing a tracking gizmo used by Manhattan Corporation. As the following scene had shown, apparently The Ogre was right. Manhattan police were actually monitoring them. When they lost the signal from their late informer they decided to bring up heavy artillery. They sent their best agent Hammer (played by Vic Morrow, who was really badly dubbed in post-production) to clean up the Bronx. And boy, he started cleaning the moment he walked in. Dressed as a postman, he walked in some building and killed with the shotgun two bikers who were making out (no, one of them was a girl. It isn’t what you think it is). Then, Hammer had planted a ring of the rival gang Tigers next to their bodies in order to provoke a gang war in Bronx. Of course, dumb bikers immediately fell on that trick and started raging for a war. Well, almost everybody except Trash. He was suspicious about whole situation. And he didn’t want to risk a war especially now when he already got hooked up with Ann.
This ring has to be thrown into flaming garbage can
Hammer is under a pressure to find Ann so he recruits a local neutral mercenary Hot Dog (played by Christopher Conelly) to help him with that task. Hammer explains to him that the girl is very important since she is going to be the next president of Manhattan Corporation. He also asked from Hot Dog to set up him a meeting with Ice (played by Larry Dolgin), better known to Hot Dog as Fagface. Ice is the member of The Rider, with ambition of become a head of the gang in future. You can now see where this situation leads to. Meanwhile, on the other part of Bronx. Trash and Ann are having open conversation. She explains to him that soon she will turn 18 (which means that Trash has slept with underage girl) and she is going to inherit Manhattan Corporation which
controls a majority of world’s weapon production, and she doesn’t want to take part in it. A real noble decision. On their way back Ann got captured by Zombies (a roller ball gang).
Not a lesbian scene
After learning of Corporation’s plan and losing the girl, Trash decides to go to The Ogre in order to reunite all gangs in Bronx. Of course, that would mean going deeply into no man’s territory through compounds of all the other gangs. After couple of rough beatings and persuasion The Ogre decides to accept an offer. Meanwhile Ice, who sold himself for a handful of silver, immediately runs over like a good puppy to Hammer to inform him about Trash’ plans and new whereabouts of Ann. Hammer sends him to Golan (played by Robert Spafford), the leader of the Zombies with an offer which includes giving the girl back to Hammer in exchange for wiping out The Ogre and The Riders. Trash and The Ogre are also heading to Golan. While on they way there Trash stumbled upon Hawk (played by Nick Alexander) who went to warn Trash about Ice’s betrayal, but was captured by Scavengers somewhere along the road. With his dying breath Hawk
still manages to inform Trash in one of the gayest scenes ever seen in B movies production.
Now we have a Mexican standoff of the gangs. First blood was drawn by The Ogre who killed Golan in duel. Ice tried to escape but was intercepted by Hot Dog, who suddenly repent for his betrayal. Ice wouldn’t have that so he kills Hot Dog using a spike on his boot. But Ice got to taste his own medicine a few moments later when Trash throws him on spike, Then they rescued a girl and went back to The Ogre’s place for a big celebration. Looks like happy ending. Or is it?
While The Ogre, Trash and Ann were celebrating, Hammer conducted a rescuing mission. Dressed as SS officer he sends in heavy cavalry (literally) while laughing like a maniac. Everything ended up in orgies of blood and fire. First to go was The Ogre. And what a way to go! First, he got several bullets inside him. Having no regards for serious wounds he is having, he went then to his throne to light a last cigarette. But it wasn’t the only thing that was lighted since the moment he sat one of the cavaliers burned him with a flame thrower. The King (of Bronx) is dead! But the rescuing mission wasn’t going as Hammer has planed. Instead of rescuing Ann his soldiers killed her which made Trash go berserk, kill Hammer using a harpoon (which is standard weapon of bikers
apparently) and ride out alone into freedom.
Conclusion: First of many wrong things in this movie: the title. It is named The Bronx Warriors despite the fact that most of very obviously was filmed in Brooklyn and Roosevelt Island. Then, for a post apocalyptic flick we can see strangely many pedestrians and cars running in the background. the movie had such potential as a screenplay written by the amazing Dardano Sachetti, but in the hands of Castellari, this turkey doesn’t even come out cooked. It’s got awful acting, baaaaaaaaaaad dubbing, not to mention writing which is horrible at least half of the time (if any character has to speak for more one line it hurts). Also, I can’t believe Italians would just dub out Vic Morrow’s voice with some cheap imitation because this one of the last movies he made before he died (he died in 1982). I mean come on! The guy was practically stealing this movie (with a bit help of Fred Williamson). He deserved his own voice in it! This is waaaaay too grose even for an Italian rip-off and Castellari. End yeah, beside flicks I have mentioned in prologue, this movie also got obviously stolen main character from “Rambo” with a bit of “Clockwork Orange” influence. For shame!
Notice the mighty mullet + mustache combination
Worsemovies 