It’s always fascinating to think about the crazy, CRAZY movies that almost happened- like Tim Burton/ Nicolas Cage Superman or Albert Pyun’s Spiderman but that list now has a new and unexpected addition. Through the Blumhouse‘s horror podcast Shock Waves we found out about the script for an unprocessed (Charles Band’s) Empire Pictures Horror directed by Stewart Gordon (Re-Animator, From Beyond) featuring none other but the The Governator himself Arnold Schwarzenegger!!! This was supposed to be Schwarzenegger movie after Raw Deal (1986) and it would have probably come out in between Predator and The Running Man (1987).
It turns out that Schwarzenegger’s Terminator stunt double also had a role in Re-Animator and that led to the friendship between Gordon and Arnold. They considered working together and came up with the idea of a wrestler that loses his mind because of super- steroids, and then naturally going on a murder spree all through New York city. I mean, Schwarzy yelling like a madman and ripping arms and legs left and right. I would so pay to see that! Thankfully there is one piece of promo artwork saved in the archives, so you can get the idea.
That also sounds a bit like the real murder- suicide of the famous WWF wrestler Chris Benoit. and Joe Begos actually found out about this movie talking about the case with Gordon.
Movie was originally going to be called STEROID but they later changed it to much more awesome- BERSERKER!
Update (2023): Years after the original interview– Joe Begos who originally broke the news spoke to the Best Movies Never Made podcast about this mythic collaboration that almost happened. Hosts also obtained a draft of the script so we can finally have a full idea what this movie would have looked like. So here’s the most important excerpts from the the episode:
“…(Arnold Schwarzenegger) is the strongest, meanest wrestler around.He enters the ring in a bear skin roaring wild eyed.Like the fabled berserkers of Scandinavian history. He fights bear fleshed in a meager loincloth, reckless, mad for the battle.The bout is brutal, bone crunching.The berserker is magnificent.And then it’s revealed, you know, that he’s a wrestling heel, so he always has to lose to the face and that’s kind of the kick off here, is that.
But he’s a foreign guy stuck playing foreign wrestling characters, which, you know, like the Iron Sheik… always had to be the heel, losing to some American guy.And he’s got a friend who’s similarly marginalized, named Black Mamba, who’s a talented black wrestler who’s got like, he’s got a special wrestling move called the Snake Bite…
And then one day Black Mamba shows up being like buffer and more confident and better than ever and reveals that he’s got some new special drug that he’s taking. And the arc of the story is that Berserker and Black Mamba both start taking this like experimental steroid.But, I guess because Black Mamba had been taking it first, we get to see the full arc of his and he like really fucks up a guy in the ring…
It’s so sad because the full arc of the story is that Black Mamba dies in his arms. And after he dies, Berserker goes and tracks down the Doctor who they’re getting it from. And you realize, yeah, this is like experimental.It’s harvested from reptiles in some way to make this drug. And Shirley wants him to stop taking it. But I also love that the element that’s like, you can’t really stop taking it because we see what happens to you.It’s basically just a moral decision.Do you want to keep taking the drug long enough that you go insane and start killing people, which then Berserker does well?”
*text was edited for length and clarity but you can listen to the full episode right here– it’s definitely worth your time.
Even though we never saw Schwarzenegger as a wrestler in a movie, he did have this wrestling appearance in WWF/ WWE and man, he’s beating HHH like his life depends on it:
Transmutations was written by Clive Barker, and that’s fairly surprising considering how terrible the plot is, along with the very poor characterizations of almost every single player in the film. But this is not the only time someone butchers Barker’s stories. Remember “Rawhead Rex“? Yeesh!
Mutant ninjas
As introduction to what we might expect from this movie we see some sort of ninja-resembling characters running around in hurry at night without any particular goal. Later, on a closer look, it turns out that they are just an ordinary people with duct tape tied around their heads. Urgh…bear it with me. Duct tape people then, accompanied with couple of freaks, crash in some high class orgies and from there they kidnap high class hooker Nicole (played by Nicola Cowper) who was laying in her bed dressed in curtain. Oh yeah, and they had butler beaten up. Nice start!
Sid Vicious as albino man-ape
When you are short of one hooker what do you do? You hire a detective. So Roy Bain (played by Larry Lamb) is called in to investigate a case of a missing hooker by rich businessman Motherskille (played by Steven Berkoff). Why him? Well we can just assume that Bain has had connections with Motherskille and Nicole in the past; the film does a particularly poor job of giving the viewer any sort of back-story towards the beginning, and after the plot has begun to meander, it really makes no difference anymore. All we know about him is that he is the usual arrogant self-employed detective cum painter, and he performs his duties with a reticence that might not really be acting at all, but instead Lamb’s hesitance to star in this movie at all. Anyway, after a bit of convincing by Motherskille, he decides to accept the case. He went to the crime scene where he talked to Madam Pepperdine (played by Ingrid Pitt) and another hooker Bianca (played by Irina Brook). Apart of Pepperdine’s teasing her butler Ricardo (played by an established actor Trevor Thomas) by saying that the only thing that got hurt was his pride (despite the fact that the poor fellow’s neck was almost broken), Bain didn’t get much information out of her. But he did find a lead – a bottle of some drug under Nicole’s pillow. When he pressed Bianca about it she told him that he should check it with Dr Savary, whom Nicole used to visit often. On his way back he meets Darling (played by Brian Croucher), a GUY who was sent by…someone…to look after him (I certainly wouldn’t want someone named Darling to watch my back) .Darling tells Bain that Motherskille and Savary are together into business with strange drug. But what kind of drug? We’ll find out soon.
He has a golden heart
After being scanned with futuristic metal detector you can see on the picture above, Bain meets with Dr Savary (played by Denholm Elliot) and confronts him about drug. Doctor didn’t let himself crack under the sarcasm and irritation Bain evokes at all times and he denied any knowledge of such substance. But Bain took an opportunity while Savary was briefly outside the office to take a look around. He finds a key and strangely shaped figurines. This is the point when viewers should start connecting some of a strings in the plot but I doubt that any of us could do such thing, given so little info about everything. Anyway, Savary is back and kicks out detective as politely as he could. Meanwhile, freaks somewhere conduct experiments on Nicole. They are giving her the same
substance Bain found at her room. Apparently, according to freak doctor Nygaard (played by Paul Brown), she is immune to dreams which drug should cause. Nicole wakes up disoriented and starts asking questions. To calm her and show they mean no harm (apart of poking and probing her), freaks, who happens to be very nice and polite, introduce themselves. Besides Nygaard there are also Oriel (played by Miranda Richardson) and Dudu (played by Paul Mari), who enjoyed sniffing her hair and is very proud of his nickname Shitface. Another freak storms in and explains that he had lost two men (men? hm) while breaking in to Savary’s office. It turns out that freaks need regular doses of drug in order to…I don’t know what. And by lost he meant it literally since one of them called Red Dog (played by Gary Olsen) was taken over by dreams and gone wild. Still no idea what kind of dreams those are. Anyway, Red Dog seems to have a crush on Bianca and gets infuriated after he finds her in Bain’s bed. Battle commences consisted of shooting, wrestling, balls grabbing and similar gay techniques followed with Bain chasing Red Dog throw the dark alley. Bain finds freak laying on the ground but to his surprise another freak shows up and drags Red Dog to sewers. Could it be some new race of C.H.U.D.? Everything is possible with script writer like this.
Clive Barker approves this
We are now at night club watching a gay performance. Bain there finds Motherskille enjoying the show with his retarded thugs and presses him about the drug. Motherskille at first wouldn’t admit anything (he was even swearing on life of his children), but after some police brutality he had no other option than to admit he occasionally manufactures things for Savary (though, he still denies any knowledge about the drug). So back to Savary it seems. Bain sneaks into doctor’s office and finds a tape with the test subject. As it always happens to be our hero gets captured by Savary when he was about to unfold the mystery. But wait, more of clichés are incoming! While holding Bain at point of his gun, Savary decides to do what every criminal mastermind does in that situation –
reveal everything. Apparently, the drug in question is euphoric, an powerfully hallucinogenic and painkiller, which gives a feats of strength to it’s users. And like every other drug it is addictive. The only side effect is that it turns humans into mutants. Hm, didn’t see that one coming from the first moment Motherskille hired Bain… Anyway, you can’t expect that a main charracter gets killed when he is about to solve a mystery, so Bain somehow manages to trick Savary and escape his office.
Bain decides to get to the bottom of problem. He enters sewers and there he finds mutants’ secret headquarters. Just like that! And Nicole, who tells him that this is now her home and mutants are her friends (despite the fact that she is immune to the side effects). They leave him tied just to be found by one of Motherskille’s crooks, a guy who wears ridiculous sunglasses throughout the entire film. He takes a bit of his time from the mission to kill all of the freaks just to inject drug into Bain. Could this be the end of our hero detective?
A happy bunch
Killing a bunch of mutated freaks turned out not to be an easy task. Led by Nicole they manage to capture Savary and right when they were about to make doctor tastes his own medicine (oh how poetic), Motherskille shows up with his goons and another shooting takes a place. Obviously he wants the entire place wiped out, including mutants. Why? Well here is how I see the plot at this point: Motherskille hired Bain to find Nicole, for whom he already presumed has become a mutant. He sends someone to follow Bain. Why? Because when Bain finds Nicole that means he will also find so-called Underworld, a place where all failed experiments reside, which he seeks to destroy. And for what reason? I guess to wipe out any remaining traces that could lead to his connection with drug. Keep in mind that I am writing this using a logic since film itself doesn’t give any background story nor the explanation. Ok, now we are back to movie. While I was bringing out my thoughts, Motherskille lost his own in shooting duel with Bain. Still, the final confrontation is between Nicole and Savary , where she uses her newfound superpowers (?) to burn mannequin dressed as an evil doctor. At the very end, she announces that it is not over yet (we certainly hope it is) and walks away with the only surviving mutant Dudu, thus leaving Bain with dumb xpression on his face.
Conclusion: The script is quite bad, but it’s managed fairly well by the actors, who do the best with what they have. Fortunately, most of the actors are very good, and that means that Transmutations is at least watchable. It’s following the storyline that becomes the killer here, because it’s a horrible maze of characters switching back and forth between good and bad guys while Bain tries to tell the difference. The story is simply a mess of ideas that do very little of anything, and not even the dark wave, saxophone-riddle soundtrack can make this film any more interesting. Nicole’s role as the damsel in distress is both boring and generic. There are some other characters who are supposed to be more important, like Motherskille (how can that name not cause you to foreshadow his role as supreme villain?) and his crooks. Transmutations even makes note of the terrible character writing by referring to one of the goons as a parrot; it’s a generous compliment. As for the mutants, at first, the viewer might question why the “monsters” of Transmutations aren’t really that scary. Sure, they growl a lot, and some have glowing eyes while others get bulbous growths on their faces, but there’s nothing about them that seems overtly threatening. See, it’s fine and good if Transmutations wants the monsters to be misunderstood. It often works for films of this nature. But not when the movie spends little time with them, and barely tries to develop them beyond their physical characteristics alone. This film wasn’t easy to find and maybe that’s a good thing, because a film this bad will die out without its lifeblood – the audience. The movie isn’t an evolution of the horror genre, but a mutant that is doomed to die off because of its fatal errors.
This movie is basically Halloween meets Rosemary’s Baby meets The Exorcist produced cheaply in Hong Kong in the 80’s- so you know you’re in for a treat right away. And I know what you’re thinking- a Chinese movie without Kung Fu!? I mean even their regular horror movies from Ronny Yu‘s Bride with White Hair to Painted Skin (one of my personal favorites) have at least some sweet punching and kicking action sequences. But don’t worry: creepy atmosphere, dated synth score and some brutal slasher action pretty much make up for it. Add to that an Asian exorcism (see Ninja 3: Domination) and you’ll sure to have some fun with it.
There’s something very wrong with that lady in the corner!
After some spacey and a cheese keyboard effects movie stars in full swing. A young girl Mei-hsun Fang catches a cab rushing to a date. She even looses an umbrella in the process. If she knew what’s awaiting her she would have just stayed in bed that day. It turns out the driver was none other than brought to an abandoned building is a notorious Killer and a Rapist!
She tries her best to run away but he catches her and in one of the rare truly disturbing scenes of the films pounds her head to the pavement until she looses consciousness. Then I guess he proceeds to rape her?
Despite everything Mei- hsun somehow menages to survive. And although she is shell- shocked to the core she succeeds in identifying the criminal that assaulted her. Notice the detective Don Wong, famously a newcomer from Chuck Norris‘sSlaughter in San Francisco is present. Chinese being Chinese dispose off the assassin/ rapist in the most brutal way possible via firing squad! Unfortunately Mei’s nightmares don’t end just yet, she is plagued by nightmares of his death and soon enough she starts suspecting she is pregnant.
Now, my favorite scene in the club where Mei’s fiance takes her to cheer her up.Despite his best efforts the establishment ends up being less than respectable– coupled with the super-skinny and super–slutty female singer that screams “I’m a dragon, you’re a worm…” Seemingly unrelated scene is perhaps foreshadowing something yet to come? Nope, it turns out it’s there just for the hell of it!
She really has a way with words, does she?
Soon enough she is in the doctor’s office and she get a conformation of her pregnancy. She asks about a possibility of terminating the pregnancy but something (or someone) doesn’t want this to happen! Nurse looses her mind, seemingly possessed by evil spirits and the craziness erupts with the doctor flying out of the office window pushed by some invisible force!
Crushed by the massacre in the hospital she then tries desperately to abort by falling down the stairs. That could have proved fatal in more ways than one but they both manage to survive. The only thing she succeeds in is having a baby a month prematurely! So yeah, she fails completely. Also, the doctors accept the fact that she slipped and fell way to easily but I guess they don’t have time for suicidal looneys like her in a busy Hong Kong.
Mei-hsun’s husband, the nanny and her slutty friend (everybody’s got one) all believe that the little boy is cute as it gets but the baby is in fact supernatural… and when no one is around it uses opportunities to troll and torture his mother (PS you can even hear straight lift of The Exorcist music at this point). After a while despite the best efforts by the director Richard Chen her paralyzing fear of her own child becomes increasingly amusing to the audience.
I mean when she ignores the child she ends up looking like a bitch and when she tries to bite the bullet and take care of him, he completely destroys her mentally. Poor lady can’t catch a break!
She’s having a fight with her newborn child… and she’s loosing.
Now, the time has come, she finally has to face her demonic baby. Her nanny overhears her and informs her of a temple where she can exorcise her child, if she believes in that sort of stuff. There’s a temple specialized for child exorcism? Man, those Chinese leave nothing to chance– and who knows, maybe we’re not exorcising kids often enough here in Europe. In the meantime her muchmore carefree friend decided to dump her old reliant boyfriend and get engaged with a musician. As we know those things never really work out.
I love the way Abbot exorcises the demon with a sword in his hand!
Now free from the child the evil spirit of the Slasher returns to his original form (I don’t know how that works but it does), and of course sets out to complete his revenge. He starts from the poor nanny, the only death I kinda feel sorry about. Also Mei-hsun’s slutty friend drops by in the worst possible time, and to top it off she starts taking her clothes off– literally signing her death sentence. Slasherheeds her call and cuts one of her arteries, but instead of letting her bleed out he strangles her and crushes her head!Man, that’s brutal! Bodycount keeps rising as a friend’s boring suitor gets there too, just to be brutallyimpaled on the knife.
It’s too late to take your top now- you’re already dead!
The Slasher than gets to Mei-hsun, but she somehow manages to grab the child and escape. He keeps chasing her but she succeeds in staying alive long enough for her husband and the police officer Don Wong to arrive and they finally destroy the monster with the combination of holly wine and lots of bullets too (better safe than sorry).
Verdict: This movie actually has some super- interesting themes for horror like fear of the pregnancy and post- natal depression and I can help by to wonder how it would look if those themes were actually seriously explored. Instead, we get a lot of cheaply recycled scenes from the more established Horror franchises, sometimes even pretty badly stitched together but it still doesn’t fail to entertain so you have to at least give ’em that.
Director Ed Hunt had had nice idea here. He had tried to explore (and exploit for that matter) one of the deepest fears of human kind – children. He probably knew that deep in our conscience we are terrified by even a slight possibility of something so pure and innocent can be evil. Unfortunately for him, at the end it was only idea with poor realization.
The beginning of this movie takes us back to June 9, 1970. Location: Maternity Ward in Meadowvale, California. We see an old doctor (played by Jose Ferrer) preparing to deliver babies of 3 women. He seems happy to do it despite the fact he is going to miss solar eclipse which started happening right in that moment. During that eclipse 3 babies were born; two boys and one girl. After that, fast forward to June 1, 1980. Two young people are expressing their love on the local cemetery. As a highlight of this romantic act guy takes the girl into open grave where he intends to bone her. No such luck since he took 2 hits to his noodle with shovel when he stood up to check up some noise he was hearing. Girl wasn’t spared either as she ended up strangled with something that looks like a shoelace to me (though in the later scene Sherriff claimed it was a skipping rope). Guy went back on his feet and tried to save her but BAM… another hit of shovel finished him off. At least they died hugging each other and buried together. What will the real owner of the grave say when he finds intruders at his resting place?
Later that night the 10 years old boy Timmy (played by K.C. Martel) sneaks into his house through the window. His sister Joyce (played by Lori Lethin) notices him but she didn’t find anything suspicions about that or his excuse of going out to feed a dog. No surprise there though, since she is into some astrological mumbo jumbo. Anyway, the next day Sherriff came by to school asking questions about last night murder. Why did him come to interrogate a bunch of 10 years old kids about some gruesome murder is beyond my reach. Oh yes, he found the part of a skipping rope. Yup it makes sense, when you think about it. That item surely couldn’t have gotten there earlier than previous night. 3 of them in the class seemed to knew something about that. The very same 3 who asked the teacher if their entire class could be excused from homework since they are having birthdays next week. The teacher cooled off them with words “Just because you are all having the same birthday doesn’t mean you are special”. No argue with that. Kids took it seemingly pretty well and went home. There, the girl Debbie (played by Elizabeth Hoy) shows an outstanding talent for pimping since she charges a quarter to Steven (played by Andrew Freeman) and Curtis (played by Billy Jayne, who you might be remembering from “Charmed” TV series) for watching her slutty sister Beverly (played by Julie Brown) through a peephole while changing her clothes. This scene sends loud and clear message that even women are encouraging pimping and prostitution overall (which is not shocking at all when you think about it).
Peep hole is for peeping
Any suspense about who is killer (if there were any) was cleared out 20 minutes after movie started when Debbie and her companions killed Debbie’s father Sherriff James (played by Bert Kramer) with a baseball bat in broad daylight in front of his very own house! No time like a present, I would say. Explanation was that he died by walking onto skateboard on stairs. Why no one tried to explain bruises from baseball bat? Also, that is a moment when every logic of film-making went downhill and over the cliff, falling into humiliating death. The following scene proves my words because it shows James’ funeral which took place the very same day when he was murdered. If you look closer, you can spot young Michael Dudikoff among mourners who plays Beverly’s boyfriend Willard.
Spot a ninja
Timmy saw them standing around Sherriff’s corpse which makes him the next target. Under the excuse of play-date (man this word sounds so pathetic). Curtis lures Timmy into the junkyard where he locks him up inside old fridge. After a bit of struggling Timmy manages to escape such death box (or cold grave if you will have it). He runs home and tells everything to Joyce but she wouldn’t believe him (well duh), including his confession about peeping through peephole at Debbie’s home the night of the murder. Meanwhile, Debbie and her gang are making a scrapbook of death. Another entry is going to be made. Yup, they are planning to kill their teacher Miss Davis (played by Susan Strasberg). So they steal late Sherriff’s revolver later that night. The very day next Curtis walks into teacher’s house and shoots her in cold blood. Of course, this happens in the middle of the day as well. I guess classmate are going to be excused from homework after all and none is wiser. Well, almost none. Joyce, who is teacher’s assistant, finds her dead and runs away to her home. There she finds a note from Timmy stuck onto front door in which he states that he went playing at the junkyard. But he promised he wouldn’t go there anymore! At this point it is clear even to the dumbest among you dear readers of this review that this was just a set up. And you are right! The moment Joyce had arrived at the junkyard, Steven and Curtis (dressed as a members of Ku Klux Klan for some reason) started chasing her in some old car in attempt to run over her dumb ass. As it always happens, Joyce manages to save herself by climbing onto big pile of junk, leaving two boys to crash into it. Police came up quickly but Steven and Curtis had already escaped. So still no one suspects them.
Seems that explanation for their evil behavior lies in astrology. Joyce explained to Timmy that because they were born during the eclipse they lack conscience. How’s that, you might ask? Simple. Saturn was blocked during the eclipse and, like we all know, Saturn controls emotions. It is a scientific fact. It’s not the children to blame for. It is those damn planets moving around in their stupid orbits. As confirmation of Joyce’s words, Curtis shoots another young couple who were trying to have sex at the back of their van. In front of his house! Fit penalty for public display. Of course, no one has been woke up by gunshots from this mighty revolver so another funeral takes the place. They sure like funerals.
No public sex, kids might be watching
It is a party time! All 3 of them are celebrating their birthdays together. One of the guests was a bit shaken by recent deaths but otherwise it is very cheerful there. Cakes are ready, looking delicious…But with one secret ingredient! Ant poison! Or it would have been if Joyce haven’t had bumped onto Curtis while he was trying to spice up the cake. She made a scene, but no one would believe her. She better have kept her mouth shut. She stopped mass poisoning. Let’s all bid Joyce a warm welcome to the hit list. But first things first. Beverly had found Debbie’s scrapbook of death. Instead to take that evidence to the police (though she did show it to her mother, who just ignored it), or at least become a bit worried about her little sister’s mental health, dumb slut burned the only evidence in fireplace. Well, not the only one. Beverly is now the only one who can link them to murders. Of course, Debbie wouldn’t miss the opportunity to remove this threat so she took care of her older sister by using a bow and arrow through peephole. Though, after this move, the only thing Debbie can do is to hang “Out of business” sign.
Now the mystery starts to unfold. Picture of Joyce is the first entry in new scrapbook of death thus making her to be officially on the blacklist. All cards are on the table. Debbie, Steven and Curtis are openly trying to kill Joyce and Timmy wherever and whenever they can. After some chasing and gunning scenes, Steven is subdued when a bowl of water is thrown in his face, while Curtis simply runs out of bullets and gets beaten up. Only Debbie uses her brain to escape , and her mother (head still firmly inserted into her own backside) sneaks her away and flees town with her. The movie’s ending reveals that mom and daughter remain at large under different identity and that Debbie has claimed another victim, thus setting the stage for a sequel, which fortunately never
happened.
Conclusion: As I have it understood, message of this movie is following: Anyone, who has been born the same day as anyone else, is evil. And that’s not the biggest problem here. Bigger problems are executioners, who are undoubtedly the least imposing genre villains ever presented. One them possess the inhuman ability to fire a handgun that weights as much as he does. The clumsy staging of the murders is signaled from the opening scene (graveyard lovers), and blatantly lifted music from “Friday the 13th” just adds it’s contribution to negative score, save for the few sequences of nudity. Also, if you are going to put “Blood” in the title, you should probably put some in the movie too. Only a single arrow to the eye gag even registers a blip on the gore meter. Still, I find this atrocious movie worth watching because, deep inside me, I am just one bloodthirsty kid as well.
The last part of the famous Cannon Film’s Ninja trilogy (of completely unrelated films) is without the doubt the craziest and the must fun of them all. Fact that we have an absolute miscast, a dancing star Lucinda Dickey(Breakin’, Breakin’ 2: The Electric Boogaloo) in the main role only makes it that much sweeter.
This movie starts with too seemingly unrelated scenes, a Ninja prepping his ancient and deadly weapons in the cave and some ritch guys playing golf without a care in the world. Turns out Ninja was payed to kill one of the rich golf playing pricks. Which one, who knows- he killed them all!
He’s maybe good at killing but strategy is certainly not his greatest strength.
Now, beside some fun moments in the fight I have to wonder why did someone trained in the art of deception decide to kill people in the broad daylight on the location where it’s almost impossible to for him to hide. I mean he even runs by foot being chased by cop cars and motorcycles. Stopping numerous cops, including two riding a helicopter he menages to escape barely alive by burying himself deep in the sand. Cops eventually give up on the pursue and he menages to get to a random girl fixing a phone line while listening to modern dance music on a boombox ( I guess she doesn’t have a cool Walkman like everyone else). He grabs her and after some scuffle she excepts an gift, Ninja To (sword) after which he finally drops the bucket.
Then we are treated to flashbacks of the Ninja’s battle that happened literally 3 minutes ago!!! Did they really want to beef up the running time of this movie or what? She ends up interrogated in the police station and one of the younger officers Billy Secord , irritatingly insist on taking her out on a coffee. She continues to have flashbacks and runs away.But after playing some games on her… she decides that it’s noting some aerobics won’t fix.
It seems gyms bring out the worse in men, because more than a couple jacked up idiots are making advances to one of the aerobic chicks Lucy to the point of being ready to take her by force. And that’s not in a dark ally but in the broad daylight in front of dozen witnesses! I don’t know what they’re on but it’s not doing them any good. Thankfully, the evil ninja ghost kicks in and Christie transforms into a deadly ass- kicker. And after an impressive acrobatic routine Christie kicks the crap out of muscle-heads while people cheer (why not one of them even thought about helping a girl out- who knows?)
Irritating cop Billy finally menages to pick her up in his car. Now, remember boys if you are stalking a girl long enough she’s going to eventually give up! Or call the cops, thankfully Secord is a cop himself so he doesn’t have that problem. They get into a bit of a fight but shockingly she takes the dude home, and gets to undressing part really, really quick. I don’t think we can blame the evil ninja spirit for this behavior.After the sex scene we are treated to some light show and a flying sword which all indicates Ninja possession is becoming even stronger.
And it is- as she dresses up in the costume and goes after one of the cops who killed “him”. The old man is playing pool in his home (who has a pool table in his living room?) and doesn’t see it coming. I guess he never had an avenging Ninja problem before. Soon enough another police officer ends up dead (the one in a Jacuzzi with couple of girls) but she still can’t put the peaces to together and thinks it’s all a nightmare.
Dead Ninja is sorry he didn’t kill absolutely everybody and goes after the cops that eventually stopped him.
Also, my favorite Sho Kosugi arrives to the US via airplane. He’s interesting because he doesn’t have an eye but he did what any other badass would do, he made and eye-patch out of sword shielding and wears it proudly for all the world to see. You know you don’t want to mess with a person like that.
Man, he’s awesome!
Her boyfriend I guess (that was fast) Billy kinda figures out what is going on and brings her to a Japanese mystic a Japanese mystic (played by James Hung, a Chinese man). She gets tied up and he performs and Asian Exorcism (like the regular Exorcism only in Japanese). In spite it being very amusing for the audience Ninja is is not impressed and he refuses to leave her body.
“You fool! You cannot stop me. I am a NINJA!”
It turns out that an ancient law applies here (the one I actually never heard before) “only a ninja can destroy a ninja” So that’s where Sho Kosugi comes in. His fellow ninja cost him his Master and his eye and he will get his revenge. She gets back home and angry at herself decides to battle the possible loss of her body and should to an unclean and evil presence by… dirty dancing! ’cause that’s how you solved problems in the 80’s Did any problems actually got solved in the 80’s?I seriously doubt it.
Now Ninja continues his devious plan by attending the funeral of the cop- just to use the gathering as an opportunity to kill the remaining cops. Man he is insatiable! Thankfully things get sorted out- an exorcism finally separates the demon Ninja and the girl and Ninja ends up in a duel with Kosugi in an old temple in the most awesome Kung Fu moment of the whole movie.
Slightly less epic battle ensues on the hill and seemingly indestructible Ninja finally meets his demise by the only way possible, a freakin’ knife to the brain! You can’t go back from that… well except if you’re some kind of zombie ninja, but being that we experienced a demon ninja here I guess everything is possible. Cannon never picked up from here (making another unrelated Ninja sequel) but truthfully there is still no way to top this movie, is it?
This is the end, my Ninja friend, the end…
Verdict: It can be said that this movie is Cannon Films in a nutshell.
I mean it has dancing, aerobics, synth score, Asian Martial Arts, over the top acting and the ridiculous plot all rolled up in one! If you meet a person who knows nothing of Cannon Studios opus this would be more than a fine example (even more so than their more popular franchises like American Ninja, Missing in Action or endless string of Death Wish sequels).
Trivia: And ’cause it’s always fun to hear it from the people who were there in Cannon’s golden days (including Lucinda Dickey) here’s a clip from the documentary Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films.
I don’t know about you,but I’ve never found Bigfoot to be scary.Not many people do. David A. Prior set out to change that. Hence this cinematic masterpiece that exploded in our faces.And his too presumably.
What we’ve got here is a creature feature,horror pic, set in a cousy town of Morningside.We open with two teenagers getting it down,the girl looking pretty underwhelmed by the experience.This unfortunate affair (that will turn even more unfortunate) is taking place in a car,in the woods.There is only one way this could end.
So the girl hears something.“Don’t worry,it must be a bear,or a wolf or something” he consoles her.That’s what every girl in the forest wants to hear.I know I would.”A bear,a wolf,Jack the reaper,nothing to worry about here”
They continue,but then some CGI glass is broken as he gets dragged outside of the car by our monster.Bad sex is punishable by death,death by Sasquatch.Take note. Every time you don’t satisfy a girl,a jock somewhere gets killed by a sasquatch.She is not about to let him go without a fight,so she grabs onto his legs,resulting in his feet getting ripped off.
Foot-feet,get it?Big foot…feet..so funny
Outside of the car,he gets molded.A bit too extreme.She tries to start the car,but that never works in any movies,especially bad ones.She doesn’t have her priorities straight (priorities,Prior,get it…hilarious) as she emerges from the car somehow dressed.And gets molded. This leads us to painfully long opening credits,consisting mostly of Ted Prior And Frank Stallone.Wait Stalone is in this?YAS. We are then greeted with body parts scattered around the forest on the warm day as cheerful cops are trying their best to look disgusted and shaken.We meet our fabulous sheriff.Fake it till you make it type,which seems to work for him,because somehow,he seems to be taken seriously by the townsfolk and his colleagues alike.
There is a lady cop on the scene too. He has an ex wife.They have the hots for each other.It would have been cute if there weren’t dead teenagers scattered about. How could this be?Who could have done this?WHAT could have done this? “Call Zooes,museums,universities” If I was a cop and had two dead kids on my hands,I would call a museum too.
But who could be there hiding in the bushes? This hunter guy and his two merry assistants.One presumably Albanian.They are the ones hiding in the bushes.Surrounded by cops and loaded with weapons.You know,just bush diving.And they are here to hunt down the beast.They will stop at nothing,they fear nothing.Spoiler-they all die.
We need more cast.We need more bodies.Oh good,we are introduced to our campers.Not so young young campers.Not so enthusiastic,out of place campers lead by tough survivalist Sharon.Its a three day adventure no one but her wants to be on.We have two married couples,and we are informed that third one bailed out.Lucky bastards.We have a worried guy.He must die.And we have his plain wife.She must die.And then we have the man himself Ted Prior,but he is kind of an asshole,so he must die.And finally we have his blond dumb wife.She must die first.Sharon is here to survive.And she is down for this forest shit.I mean she eats it up.We just might see her fistfight the beast.Throw in an armbar (clawbar) in there too.
We are so acting
Look we have a tamagotchi in the case of trouble
Now all this calls for sexy female scientist,dead set to take part in the hunt,and her nerdy gay assistant.Who must die. Blond busty scientist,Sarah, arrives in the Sheriff’s office,and lady cop, Roberta is not pleased.I mean really? Bitch please.Get your claws of mah man.We are used to scientists not having budgets or power, they are struggling to MAKE PEOPLE SEE,but not this one.She has ,like, a president on speed dial.And she knows just what killed these kids.How?Who the fuck knows. And if they don’t want military on their asses,they will let her tag along.
Where first?To the morgue! At the morgue they meet an acting gem,Dr-MR Hopper.He and sexy Sarah seem to see eye to eye.It was a beast,10 feet tall beast.No one or nothing else could have done that. A man?What a joke.A bear?No?Big foot?Seems feasible. And you know who knows all about this Bigfoot fellow?Towns drunk.
This man knows stuff!
Sarah and her assistant friend go and see him,they buy him beer,the only currency he accepts.And he tells them the story about how Bigfoot tried to kill him.And that other time when Bigfoot wanted to fuck him.No biggie. And oh,there is more than one. He missed to tell them that aliens also tried to fuck him.Talking about bad karma.He probably gets catcalls from Goblins all the time. Back to our campers. Engage the night mode.
Night Mode engaged!
Seriously,this movie has one of the worst night modes in cinematic history.You can see its clearly day and in some scenes you can see dark blob in down left corner of the screen.What is that? Didn’t clean the camera lens?Used dirty X ray to film this? What did you do?Tell me! Tell meeee!
So,the night falls and the beast is in full beast mode,as it kills Sharon in a” Surprise bitches mode.”Wait what,Sharon?Oh okay…maybe they want to show us these unexpirienced people fending for themselves in the forest. Then plain woman is dead.Then her husband.Wait,the order is all messed up here.Oh well,that’s…fresh. Our Charlie,who has mostly one line (Shut up Sandy) has a gun btw,and will not let anyone stand in his way.Not even his wife. Asshole. Something worth mentioning is that our beast has style when it comes to killing,i t likes to waltz in the scene as seen here,when it kills plains woman’s husband,or it likes to walk up to its victims from behind letting them do that “Its right behind me isn’t it” thing.
But hey,Charlie and his blond wife make it out of the night.Hunters are on their trail.And in the town,well,our sheriff faces yet another problem and is as cheerful about it as about everything else.He learns that Sharon took party of four “on one of her little survival trips”,and some trigger happy towns folk are gathering to do what they do best.Shoot things and avenge teenagers. We cant have that! And he actually manages to stop them from going in to the woods.I cant believe he accomplished something.One task down,one more to go.Go and find our happy campers.Who tags along?Scientist does.That can not go wrong.
Now we see our new group of town jocks,driving and drinking,going to have a little party in the forest.They have somehow managed to live in a tiny town,and not know that two of their friends have been mutilated the night before,and in that same forest may I add.Okay we were informed its summertime and there is pumpkin festival coming,its major,and the last thing the town needs is that kind of publicity (I would think the last thing a town needs is dead kids,or killer on the loose,but don’t ask me) but you would know,OKAY?I mean there was a mob gathering (infront of sheriffs office just so you know) to kill the beast,but you don’t know anything?
Local idiot
But oh goodie,they bump in to police road block and our merry sheriff,who has by now singled himself as my favorite character.Police is bloking the road,they are going to live..Sheriff will make sure that these kids with alcohol and attitude get home safely,and NOT proceed.Right?Wrong.Yep,they are going to die.Thanx sheriff. “There is something going on here,and i cant talk about it right now (because pumpkin festival is more important to this town then you kids) but its not safe for ether one of you to be outhere in the woods tonight.“That should do the trick.No?Well,he tried.
Hey wait,weren’t you supposed to be looking for those campers sheriff?
Ah that’s why you left and left the road open?Yes,yes I get it,proceed. Back to Charlie and his wife.Hunters finally caught up with them,and Charlie kills one,crushing his wind pipe with a mighty punch.Who are you Charlie?
You wanna piece of me?
But he is kept alive by our remaining hunters,because they need-Live bait. To be continued. We have a carnage to get to. A forest party.Yes,they decide to make out,boys,girls,what else would you do in a movie? Surprisingly no boobs are seen,is this B movie I’m watching?I’m pleasantly surprised, I know I know…Most guys came to see these movies for the boobs,soft porn and abuse.You,yes you,I know who you are.
So Sasquatch joins the party,kills off some kids,others do not really notice.I mean its just 10 feet tall beast ripping your friends apart,and all you got is “what was that?(A bear,a wolf,Jack the Reaper)
And then blood…and more blood, yada.yada…but wait,one girl,she runs away!Run run you little teenager you!Run for your life! Who does she run in to?YES,sheriff and the crew!Though by now we know he is not much of a help. But he is as cheerful as always.And scientist has a suggestion “we should split up,we will cover more ground” Okay Sarah.Lets spit up,you are so smart.There is murderous beast nearby,but hey.And that is what they do.Good luck.
Now,back to our Charlie friend and his blond wife.They came up with a plan. Charlie being….being what….we don’t know,but being that,he menaged to get his left hand loose from the ties.Now she is supposed to distract the hunters (do whatever it takes). She opts for offering a blowjob and her suggestion is meet with enthusiasm from surviving thug hunter guy assistant.He leaves his shotgun by the tree Charlies is tied to,and well yes,he gets killed by it.
But did I mention Charlie is an asshole?He decides to leave his wife tied in the forest because she was enjoying herself to much when she offered blowjob to the hunter guy?As they agreed.And oh,it is cheaper to leave her to the Sasquatch then to divorce her.
Cosmic justice comes in the form of boss hunter who emerges from the trees shooting him.So what,are you telling me that SHE is the survivor here? Didn’t see that coming,Ill tell you that. Boom,what,Sasquatch appears...lets run around a little,and lets fire a shot, just so that our sheriff can scream LETS GO! Cause,you know,he heard it. Sarah emerges from the bushes alone and distraught.You know,the beast killed her assistant.
Hunter guy runs away finding a house or something,blond wife finds sheriff and his posse.Sheriff is confused but determined (love him)and wait, beacuse Charli is still alive he decides that some more splitting up is due,his troopers are supposed to call in the choper and he and Sarah are supposed to…I dont know,my head hurts. But they find the house cotage thing,and OH NO WHAT?Sarah?You are not the scientist,you are…something ellse?NO!
Sarah was hunting the hunter,not the Sasquatch.How cool is that?Hunting the hunter?And oh,she killed her assistant,for no particular reason.And now she is calling in.To who? And wait a minute,where is Frank Stallone?Is he a blond girl?Is he asasquatch? Its almost the end of the movie.Sheriff and hunter guy are fighting,or something,and Sarah saves the day (night,morning,what is this,I cant tell with this mode) but then she brakes the sheriffs neck .(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I LIKED HIM). No biggie,just snap.Ohhhh she must be…..what?I don’t know.A soldier,an agent,paladin?
Hey,whatever happened to Charlie,his wife and the cops? Sasquatch that’s what.With that out of our way lets go once again to the cabin to end this shit. ENTER FRANK STALLONE
That’s who she called. After all these years…finally he found him,the bastard who killed his son.His son was a hero and he was killed by this coward.Our hunter guy was once frst in command in this war you know,and Stallone Jr. was under him. Junior refused to follow orders,cruel orders,so he was killed.This is revenge.
And Sarah,well she walks around the forest triumphantly,and she stumbles upon,not one,but a bunch of sasquach (sasquaches?)Oh no.Guess towns drunk was right.
So who does survive this.Stallone does.Thats nice.Roberta does,and the girl from the party.Not my picks but i do not complain.How could I,the movie is over, I’m fucking happy with anything as long as it ended.
Judging by the openning credits imagery ,thug war at the beginning,mulltiple bigfoots(bigfeet?),hunters,live bate and some shots,I could say(dare I say?) that Dog soldiers was an inspiration behind this one.Is it possible that Prior and Fabio saw Dog soldiers?
And I’m sorry but Fabio Soldiani sounds so fabulous.I imagine his hair blowing in the wind.I can forgive him this script with a name like that.That’s probably how how he gets his jobs.This script is shit,but his name is Fabio Soldani.I want to be friends with Fabio Soldani. (but then I want to be friends with Ted Prior and Frank Stallone.Guys if you ever need survivor girl,hit me up.As long as it is written by Fabio Soldani)
This movie is a heavy crap, there is no doubt about that. But, thanks to couple of redeeming values and elements, it is a watchable crap. Sure, it doesn’t qualifies as “so bad it’s good’ flick and most of the time it isn’t even enjoyable, but still… Plot is bizarre and unusual, and that’s one of the things which are making this movie fun to watch.
As introduction into story we see 3 girls performing some kind of blood sisters ceremony in the forest. They also mention their idol anti-Christmas virgin, whatever it may be. One of them gets cut on her hand and the ceremony is interrupted. Or so it may seem. Blood has been spilled and something started emerging from the smoking ground. But our girls have already left the scene so they didn’t see what king of mess they have made. One of them, Kirsten (played by Julie Austin) went straight home just to get slapped by her German grandfather (played by Borah Silver) in wheelchairs for taking his book and going into forest. He is worried, which means he knows something. But what?
It’s alive!
Kirsten’s entire family seems a bit of the edge, with her psychotic young mother (played by Deanna Lund) who drowns cats in toilet seat, and her kid brother who enjoys watching his sister taking a shower and then talking about her big tits (which are not that big at all). It is not much better situation at her workplace either. She tried to release a pressure while sitting in the knee of mall Santa but that old scum not only refused to give Kirsten a present but he demanded oral as well in front of everybody (I guess Santa has his own wishes just like everyone else). Of course, the only oral he has gotten is oral sacking from his boss. Feeling rejected, perverted Santa goes to the locker room in order to sniff some cocaine. With such behavior he crossed the line (hehe cocaine – line, get it?) and ended up butchered by someone. Or something!
Children, there won’t be any Christmas this year
While police, like a bunch of morons they are, are probably suspecting some unsatisfied kid to be the killer, a new face shows up. His name is Mike McGavin (played by Dan Haggerty) and he is washed up deadbeat ex-detective. He came to the mall in search for a job. Could he crack the case? Being not discouraged by fate of the previous Santa (or out of despair) he gladly accepts job offer for a place of the new mall Santa. All hail! Santa can’t die. Only people who play him can. Anyway, chain smoking Mike finds a strange symbol on the murder scene which awakes detective in him. Tho he seems conflicted about that while saying “I am not a detective. I am Santa”. But despite everything he decides to investigate it further. Later that night, Kirsten sneaked into the mall with
her slutty friends so they could try out lingerie in peace. Mike, who now lives in the murder scene after being evicted from camp trailer (man that’s one solid rock bottom) catches them red-handed. But that’s not all the trouble they faced. While they were negotiating (Mike sneaked in there as well) a couple of guys who look like time traveling agents of Gestapo assaulted them with no explanation. And to make things worse the Elf (which more looks like a ghoul apart of pointy ears) has decided to crash into this late night party. Complete chaos emerges where no one knows who is chasing who to kill. Result: slutty friends are mutilated, while Gestapo, Kirsten and Mike managed to escape.
Outfit fit for a bimbo
After visiting Kirsten’s home and seeing the same strange symbol under the Christmas Tree, Mike decides to investigate deeper the meaning of that symbol. So he visits Dr. Fitzgerald, a mad scientist, who starts babbling about elves being a fallen angels who tempered with women and stated that Nazis are just a bunch of crackpots. He sends Mike to Professor O’Conner who can give him more information about the subjects. Then Mike storms into professors’ house right in the middle of family diner. There professor explains him that there are two schools of thought about elves. Both theories sound out of this world and both of them include Nazis. Bottom line of this is that an elf is going to mate with perfect human virgin on a Christmas Eve thus creating a master race that will rule the world. Anyway, I am not going to write down entire explanation since I am feeling last traces of my sanity are dripping away just when thinking about it. If you are interested in detailed theory check out video below:
Meanwhile, Kirsten and her mother are having an argue back at home. Kirsten wanted to know why her mother is resenting everyone, especially her. After throwing a death of her into her mother’s face Kirsten learns about that her grandfather is also her father! Now how about that for a twist? Kirsten storms out to the study where she confronts her (grand)father. He admits that he had done that in order to control inbreeding so they could make the perfect genetic line (the origin of her little brother remains unknown to us). One thing is still not clear to me: How the hell did they manage to preserve an unconventionally handsome girl to stay a virgin for almost 20 years? Sounds as much possible as an existence of elves.
As for Kirsten’s mother, after taking the burden off her chests, she decides to have one nice relaxing bath. Just in the moment when she started forgetting about her problems (yeah, inbreed is a trivial matter) the elf shows up and fries her by throwing a radio into the bathtub. Now I am not sure that this is possible at all, and even if it were, then who the fuck would place a radio right above the bathtub where it can easily trip over and kill you? What about if the earthquake occurs? Had she been thinking about the earthquake?
Mike is back and he has brought some Nazis with him as well. Remember Gestapo fellows? Well they were monitoring and following him to the Kirsten’s home. He managed to create diversion and buy himself some enough time to confront grandfather. There he learns all about inbreed in their family. There was some gibberish about anti-Christ but I couldn’t understand a word because of grandfather’s strong German accent. Ashamed of what he did he showed them how to kill an elf using a dagger made of special crystal called Elfstone. So, special crystal of elves is used to kill elves. Makes sense like anything else so far. Just in that moment Gestapo people storm into the house and another chaos emerges. This time they end up dead, together with grandfather while Kirsten yet again has managed to escape. So has the elf. He catches her on the same spot she had summoned him at the beginning of the movie which marks the start of the mating season. He really took his time which shows us that even an elves like foreplay. But creating of the master race got interrupted by strike of the crystal knife after which poor monster lost his boner, exploded and dematerialized. Still, last scene shows us a fetus which, as usual, leaves a room for a sequel. Either that, or Nazis were successful in conducting their evil master plan. So we are doomed.
Conclusion: One of the notable things about “Elves” is a lack of any kind of explanation whatsoever. Characters come and go without explanation. Acting defies explanation. The elf kills without explanation. Despite the movie title there is only one elf in it. And boy he is laughable, cheesy and plastic. The dialogue seems forced and…what else? Needs an explanation. The plot itself is bizarre and based on accounting that elves do exist. The only problem with it is that elves fucking DO NOT exist! I guess the director Jeffrey Mandel planned Dan Haggerty to be the selling point. But you just can’t expect that one half-famous actor saves the movie in which Nazis are sending one plastic elf that scoots around and can’t close his mouth to impregnate virgin on Christmas Eve. There, I said it!
This movie is a stuff of legends, with it’s unlikely journey from a complete obscurity to the incredible worldwide wide success- and it took just 25 years to do it! You see, the story starts with the young but ambitious Young Kun Kim (김영군), who emigrated from Korea to United States and managed to make a life for himself becoming a well known and well respected Taekwondo instructor. At some point during a radio show somebody suggested that a good way to promote his school would be to produce and star in an action movie(it was the 80’s so this logic kinda makes sense).
Kim happily accepted the challenge and decided to film in his local area of Florida using mostly a crew of his friends and colleagues (with no real experience in film business of course). Now, what they lacked in expertise they sure made up with their sheer enthusiasm and unique vision. How unique, well listen to this…
Biker by day, Ninjas by night!
Enter the ninjas, on motorbikes, stealing cocaine from the local gangsters! Just to sell it themselves. You sure won’t find this anywhere else. Then we cut to the local club that presents “the new dimension in rock’n’roll” synth rock band Dragon Sound. But there is more to the band than what meets the eye, they are Martial Art training orphan highschoolers (even thou some of them are obviously pushing 40). Unfortunately one of the tugs, evil biker ninjas spots his sister Jane singing with the band. He gets extremely jealous for some reason and starts a fight with her boyfriend John, a dumb, tall bass player. That doesn’t stop them from performing again that same night, including a prophetic song “Against the Ninja”.
That seems to be the last straw because bikers/ninjas follow them that night after the show and ambush them. Outnumbered Dragon Sound unleash and show the fact that they are Martial Art masters! Then we get to the fantastic subplot of Maurice Smith looking for his long lost father. After supporting their best friend Dragon Sound gets to other important business like partying on the beach and working out. They also take time to plot a world tour spanning all of their homelands (so from Korea to Ireland to Israel- what a tour).
This scene goes on for way too long!
The band helps out a local Korean restaurant owner- who had some problems with the tugs (don’t we all) but then they get officially challenged by the Ninja Bikers. Jane tries to plead with her brother but to no avail- he’s just too evil (but I knew that already- just look at that beard). I also get the feeling that the next scene, presenting the full biker gang was filmed entirely on the local Biker gathering, less than 2% of guys and gals look like they are acting.
The showdown finally becomes imminent when the gang kidnaps the Dragon Sound mastermind/ guitar player Tom. That was the last drop and the peaceful Martial Artist/Musician/ Students finally transform into deadly killing machines. Under the cover of night they organize a raid on the gang (you can say they out-ninjad the ninjas).
Even thou they killed Jane’s brother everyone seems pretty happy now. But no one is happier than the Jim who finally found HIS FATHER! After seeing Maurice Smith’s performance here I sure know why people used word gay for someone who’s really, really happy.
Unfortunately the luck doesn’t last and on their way to pick up Jim’s father they are ambushed by Ninjas on the motorbikes. Their leader wearing a White Ninja outfit proves especially cruel and difficult.
After barely surviving the wound Jim finally reunites with his father’s who’s strangely the same age as he is (but with his hair whited out) and all is finally well in Miami. We are left with this inspiring message from YK Kim to top it off- and it’s literally cherry on the cake of whole experience. Remember this kids…
Unfortunately the only way to eliminate the violence is with more violence!
Verdict: Unintentional comedy mixed with genuine and innocent emotions of the “actors”, crazy Martial Arts choreography and violence and Musical elements to top it off guaranties that there will never be another movie quite like this one.
I can understand why no distributor wanted to touch this movie back in the day but man, it would have been a shame if programmer at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema didn’t find the reels of Miami Connection on Ebay. World would have been a much duller place without Miami Connection in it. And now that the movie is bona fide hit isn’t it a time for that world tour they talked about so much. I mean the guys (and a girl) can still play, so what’s stopping them? It would make a great TV mini series, that’s for sure.
In the first episode of Vice’s new show “Outsider” the featured movie is non-other than cult-classic Martial Arts meets Rock Band meets Ninjas “Miami Connection” from1987. In it you can see everything from painful memories of Y.K. Kim‘s near bankruptcy (when he spent around million dollars of his money just to see the film go nowhere) to his unlikely comeback as an even more accomplished Martial Art instructor and a MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER too! My personal favorite is the interview with the actor Angelo Janotti (Tom), also the composer of Dragon Sound hits such as”Against the Ninja“, Friends (for Eternity) and “Tough Guy“.
Notice the mighty mullet + mustache combination
You can enjoy the full episode here and we hope VICE continues with this awesome show for a long, long time…
PS Don’t forget to enjoy this awesome synth rock theme, we dare you not to be inspired by this!
After enjoying contemporary action/ horror coming from Indonesia we have progressively gone back to the older and more obscure offerings of their cinematography and truth is- no mater how far you go- it’s still damn awesome! This week we’ll concentrate on their cheese 80’s Sword and Sorcery flick The Devil’s Sword (aka Golok Setan) staring the action star Barry Prima (Ferocious Female Freedom Fighters, The Warrior).
Movie starts with an ancient looking wizard forging the sword out of meteorite (with some crazy synth music playing in the background). Remember this sword, it will play a big role later on. Evil Alligator Queen summons a great warrior Banyujaga– he announces himself with the explosion and evil laughter too. She want’s him to stop the marriage between Sangaja and Pita Loca of all things. He obeys and flies toward the village- on a cloud like Goku non stop laughing so we know that he’s really, really evil.
Banyujaga interrupts the wedding. Father-in-law decides to defend him along with many strong young man but the groom himself looks confused as fuck. After beheading bunch of the villagers bride starts defending him with her awesome Martial Arts. So it seems the groom is the single worst warrior in the village?
Thankfully for the bride Banyujaga ‘s good brother Mandala showed up or she would be dead too. Unfortunately evil forces of the Alligator Queen overwhelm them and Banyujaga menages to run away with the groom- soon to be a sex slave of the evil Queen.
No woman can resist him!
This is a man everyone is fighting and dying for? Mandala rides to his master’s home just to find him on the brink of dying after the attack of a group of evil Martial Art experts (including of course Banyujaga , and super evil witch too). They were after the secret of the mystical Devil Sword but the old men refused to talk. Mandala saves him, using some glowing mushrooms but he still has to cut off his legs in a gory scene than none of us expected.
Mandala goes after the Devil’s Sword but runs into the bride- Pita Loca who’s still determined to get her stupid husband back. The same husband that is boning the hell out of Crocodile Queen that same instant. Knowing that he can’t stop her Mandala accepts the team-up. To get to the mountain of swords they take the boat over the lake. The twist- ferryman is a skeleton! And it that wasn’t enough bunch of evil Alligator men attack them (their costumes are especially funny). Who knew Martial Arts are so effective against Animal-Human hybrids (I guess TMNT tough us that in a way too).
“The league of Evil” already reached the mountain but it turned out their bond was not as strong as they claimed. They start fighting among themselves and we are treated with a crazy 4-way duel using exotic weapons and a fair share of magic too.
In the meantime Mandala and Pita Loca reach the cave and Mandala bravely marches in. After surviving many deadly traps he faces a giant (rubber) cyclops who’s one of the most ridiculous things in this movie (and it’s not like there’s not a LOT to chose from). After taking a hellacious beating he menages to defeat him by jamming a large knife in his eye. Then he finally reaches the sword that comes to him with a help of some cool levitation (aka wires).
State of the art Indonesian FX!
Unfortunately when he returned he finds Loca captured and threatened by his evil brother. That of course segues into a crazy two-on-one Martial Art fight- fest. After defeating they dive in to the Alligator Queen’s realm. Even though they destroyed most of her soldiers but it turns out that not even mighty Mandala can ignore charms of the Alligator Queen? All of a sudden they start fucking and the rest of her followers join in doing the strange belly dancing that turns into a ridiculously funny soft-core orgy. Everybody seems to be enjoying themselves except Loca that ends up locked up in a cell.
WORST. ORGY. EVER
Mandala tries to rest after a hard sex session with the Queen but his Master telepathically contacts him (it must be embarrassing) and he returns to his mission.He fight the guards and in the end menages to destroy the golden Alligator statue- that explodes like everything in this movie. Left without the source of her powers Queen turns into the ugly hag and then they easily dispose of her. Her underwater castle explodes but Mandala menages to escape with the young couple.
Mandala wishes the couple happiness and leaves to have some new adventures I guess. But I still can’t get my head around the fact that Loca would so easily forgive her husbands for his multiple transgressions and not even try to get even (or at least beat him up a little).
Verdict: Yes, the acting is completely laughable at times, special effects are atrociously bad, action choreography get clunky too and the less said about sex scenes- the better, but this movie is so completely bat-shit insane that you are left with no other choice but to go on a ride and enjoy the hell out of it.
P.S. If you enjoyed this review you should also check out the other Indonesian classics like Mystics in Bali.
Movie was originally going to be called STEROID but they later changed it to much more awesome- BERSERKER!
Notice the mighty mullet + mustache combination
Worsemovies 