We already talked about Corman’s never (officially) released Fantastic Four movie at great length couple years ago. In this article we also mentioned at that time work-in-progress documentary from the writer/ director Marty Langfordshining a light on this fascinating subject.
… and this is a story of that movie!
If you don’t know the story- German producer Bernd Eichinger tried to get the right for a Fantastic Four movie in the early 1980’s and finally succeeded in 1986. He bought the right for non- glamorous price of quarter a million (remember those were the Dark Ages of Marvel adaptations). Now, unfortunately the rights were about to expire on December 31, 1992 and the movie didn’t even start the production.
Eichinger desperately asked for an extension from Marvel but he got none. So he did the only thing he could– he called B-MovieGrandmasterRoger Corman! Corman being Corman agreed to fast forward the movie and film it for just one million. And after all that effort the movie was never to be released with Stan Lee claiming it was never meant to be released at all (and it exists solely to extend the rights) with Eichinger and Corman claiming they seriously planned to have it released in the cinemas.
Whatever the truth may be Fantastic Four(1994) will not be released but the documentary Doomed! The Untold Story of Roger Corman’s The Fantastic Four has a firm release date as of now! We can enjoy the crazy story of the FF on VOD in October 11, 2016 before it hits the DVD on December 20, 2016. Sing and rejoice!
The next in line of established directors we are going to poop on is Wes Craven. Now I am well aware of the fact that every actor and director has a stain in their career, just like every other person in the world (with the exception of Worsemovies crew), and that’s fine with me. But when someone tries to rip off himself just a couple of years after having a huge success, it just can’t be forgiven that easily. Don’t let the title fools you – Shocker is shockingly bad!
Get ready to be shocked
First scene reveals to us that there is already the mysterious killer who claimed another victims and then mysteriously disappeared. Actually, we can see the killer cleaning of blood his army knife while watching news report about him. Talk about egoism. On the other side of a town (or perhaps nearby, who knows) local jock Jonathan (played by Peter Berg) is watching news as well. Jonathan is stereotypical kind of jock – he plays football, he is good-looking, girls like him, he uses his penis instead of brain… But with one tiny difference – he is a complete brainless moron. Hm or does it qualifies as a difference? I am having second thoughts now. Anyway, after being pressured by his coach, Jonathan decides to focus on his game and show everyone what he is
capable of. So he runs with ball (and his head) into field goal giving himself a concussion. That might be a good explanation for his dream about some bald guy killing his entire family. Or was it just a dream? You see, Jonathan was sleeping at his girlfriend Alison (played by Cami Cooper) when her phone rang. It was his father Lt. Don Parker (played by Michael Murphy) who is working on the case of bizarre murders. Apparently, a killer slaughtered Don’s wife and two foster children, leaving alive only Jonathan, who is himself foster child as well. So overall we got 6-7 confirmed kills in first 10 minutes of the movie. The plot thickens.
What’s that spell? A moron!
What trained inspectors have missed Jonathan had seen immediately…in his dream. Yup he dreamed of murderer’s van with name and address written on it. How convenient! He tells that to his father and off they go, breaking into some guy’s TV repair shop. It turns out it was a lucky guess since they found there traces of practicing black magic and animal sacrificing. They also found owner and slasher himself – Horace Pinker. Well not actually found. They didn’t see him despite the fact he managed to kill 4 of Lt Don’s men. Police made a description of slasher based on Jonathan’s dream, which must be some kind of exception in history of investigating. This caused Horace to become pissed off and takes on revenge by killing Alison. Now it is personal! Dead family members were just to set wheels in motion.
He looks like he has seen a ghost
Jonathan has a plan. He will be using his dreams to find out where Horace will strike next and instructs his friend Rhino (played by Richard Brooks) to wake him up when things go too serious. Sounds familiar? Anyway, the plan worked. He got exact address, faced and evaded Horace (played by Mitch Pileggi) moments before being slashed to pieces. With the help of his father and police squad they manage to arrest Horace. While waiting for execution (I don’t recall any trial was going on before this) prison guards find Horace plugged to and speaking to TV in his cell (having a TV was the last Horace’s wish). Hm why is that? After TV burned out they decide it is time plug Horace onto electric chair. Even the execution couldn’t have gone flawless. Doctor got knocked away onto her ass, while executioner himself was fried to death. Horace’s body just vaporized itself, leaving behind only prisoner’s uniform. So that settles it, it seems. Or does it? Another strange thing occurs. While two cops were driving shocked (heh shocked) Doctor (played by Janne K. Peters) she suddenly woke up, started licking them and forcing them to drive into gasoline truck. Oh will we find at all any trace of sense in this movie?
Apparently not! Now Alison comes to Jonathan’s dream to warn him about the return of Horace, imminent slaughter and to give him her necklace which is apparently the only thing that can be used as a weapon against Horace. Don’t ask me why. Anyway, her prophecy came true sooner than Jonathan expected since he becomes a target of everyone who meets him (I myself had a desire to punch him in his retarded face). First, policeman chased Jonathan to shoot him, but instead he shot a random jogger while lying wounded on the ground. Little girl comes to help a jogger, becomes evil, spits him, and starts chasing Jonathan with a bulldozer. Not a toy, a real bulldozer. WTF are we watching now? Invasion of body snatchers on the Elm Street?
Of course, Jonathan was strong enough to overpower the little girl and knock her on the ground. And now it is time for a secret weapon. Jonathan throws the necklace Alison gave him. Girl starts screaming, bad effects occur and voila – Horace’s ghost is out and kicking. He takes over a body of girl’s mother just by plain jumping into her. Feeling uncomfortable in woman’s body Horace decides to takeover a body of nearby worker who came running to help. There is a lesson here: Never give a help to complete stranger or else your body and soul could end up taken over by strange entity. Worker disposes of necklace by throwing it in a lake on pick-axe, thus leaving Jonathan unarmed and helpless. But Jonathan manages to immobilize Horace by kicking him in the face. Just once. And then he runs away. Pussy!
Escaped convict
Like some gossip woman Jonathan runs to coach Cooper (played by Sam Scarber) and his teammates, and tells them everything, not knowing that Horace is eavesdropping on them from behind. Stupid thing to do because he made targets of his friends just by mere speaking to them. He goes home where he finds his coach already possessed and waiting for him (meanwhile Horace killed some nerdy guy to pass the time). After a fight (which rips off many scenes from Shining), With the help of Alison’s ghost, Jonathan manages to convince coach to resist Horace’s presence. Even that didn’t go as planned since coach had enough mental strength just to kill himself. Poor Jonathan, his brain will get short circuit. Shocker? Electricity? Circuit? Do you get it? Muahahaha
But that is not enough to stop Shocker. In another scene with ridiculous effects, Horace manages to escape by going through electric plug into the wall. Now he could be anywhere! As usual, cops came up too late to see the real culprit but not too late to arrest Jonathan. Hey they found him standing over the coach’s dead body, with no witnesses to prove his innocence (testimony of ghost of dead girlfriend would not hold on any court in the world. Hm except maybe in Serbia). Anyway, Horace takes over the body of Lt Dan who tries to shoot Jonathan while he was on backseat of police car. Dumb thing to do since it just gave Jonathan an opportunity to escape.
Stay plugged in
That scene marks the beginning of the grand finale. Alison appears in Jonathan’s dream and gives him AGAIN her necklace. I guess he couldn’t swim in real life. Also, our hero has another brilliant plan. He sends Rhino and his friends to destroy town’s power supply at midnight while he tries to lure Horace to face him inside TV. Then we get 30 minutes of most WTF scenes in movie industry consisted of chasing each other through different TV shows, electrical appliances, chairs and such, Jonathan’s control over Horace through TV remote in a manner of Super Mario player (?), big confrontation between them where we learn that Horace is Jonathan’s biological father (no further explanation was given)… As expected, plan didn’t go well as both of them ended up captured into TV in the moment Rhino had power supply destroyed. But Jonathan has had an ace up to his sleeve – Alison’s necklace. While Horace was literally paused with TV remote Jonathan took an opportunity to hang necklace onto camera which was filming them and return to real world through camera’s lens, thus leaving poor Horace to disintegrate himself. Ending scene shows up that Jonathan has lost his mind since he started looking and laughing at the stars, not minding his dead friends. A truly happy end.
Conclusion: The biggest problem with the movie is that Craven tries to make Horace Pinker the next Freddy Krueger, which just doesn’t happen. He cracks one-liners like Freddy and has supernatural powers, but unlike Krueger he has no personality and just sucks out loud. He isn’t scary or intimidating, his jokes are extremely lame and cheesy, and Mitch Pileggi is totally and completely wrong for the role. I can’t put all the blame on Pileggi though as I don’t think it would make any difference who played the part. The character is just horrible in general and I don’t think that there are many (if any) fans out there who think that Horace Pinker is the coolest horror movie villain in the history of film. Another huge flaw is the fact that the movie is just hokey and parts of it don’t make a great deal of sense. Why does Jonathan’s girlfriend come back as a ghost? How the hell did Horace make a deal with Satan that allowed him to gain electrical powers (it isn’t like the Devil is in the phone-book and I think that he would have a lot more better things to do than to help some schmoe TV repairman like Horace get super powers)? How does being able to manipulate electricity allow Horace to posses others? What is the secret of Alison’s necklace? These are just a few of the many things that don’t really make a great deal of sense. About the only good thing that I can say about Shocker is that it has an awesome soundtrack. I don’t know what Craven was thinking when he wrote the script, but I have a feeling that in his mind he thought that it was going to be as big as Nightmare on Elm Street (God knows it rips it off enough as we have a wisecracking killer who must be brought into the “real world” to be beaten, a past connection with the killer and the protagonist’s parents, etc). Skip this one folks and just watch Nightmare on Elm Street instead, as that is what this movie desperately wants to be. Or at least watch House 3, which is rip off of Shocker and far better movie than the “original”.
Now, first thing you need to notice when movie starts is “written, produced and directed by… (in this case Patrick G. Donahue)”. When you see something like that there is truly just two options: 01 you’ll get an autour like Lynch or Tarantino or 02 you’ll get an Ed Wood. Someone with, let’s say more passion than knowledge or resources to make a movie. Being on the WM you already guessed (corectly) that this movie is falling into a second category.
That’s a LOT of reasons!
Wealthy businessman Joseph and his wife are viciously attacked one night and even though Joe has a substantial Martial Arts knowladge he still sucombs to the superiour numbers (and weapons )of the enemies. To top it off attackers rape and kill his woman leaving him seemingly fatally wounded. Yet, revenge kept him alive! We see him some weeks later, now bound to the wheelchair talking to his most-trusted associate Larry (also his Vietnam War buddy,also the owner of the fantastic Afro + Mustache combo). Joseph proposes they gather their old team from the war, the KILL SQUAD!
Completely unnecessary but awesome introduction of Larry
Man, that sound impressive. He believes that with no help from the police this is the only way to enforce the justice, and you know who am I to disagree? Then we area treated to the classic of the genre, a default “Flashback from the ‘Nam” in which we learn that Joseph stepped on the landmine and the bodybuilder dude actually saved the whole unit even thou the whole movie everybody repeats how they own their life to Joseph.
Larry goes on to recruit one after the other members of the KILL SQUAD (I’ll never get tired of saying that) and it goes about the same- no mater where they are in their life members are keeping themselves busy by kicking numerous ass, often for little or no reason whatsoever.
There are not many things that are more impressive than a Martial Arts Pimp!
Squad has gathered rapidly and without a hitch and their first target is a ranch of all things.Larry tries talking to some cowboys to get audience with a man named Virgil. Cowboys are of course offended that a black person is trying to talk to them and things escalate into a full on brawl surprisingly fast. They even menage to kill the cowboy Virgil who was in the middle of some private time with a rather ugly brunette in the barn. That prevented them from getting any kind of information but the poor girl was helpful at least. I’m kinda sorry for the girl having to witness that.
Real woman help their man load up the shotgun!
So they finally find their lead (named fantastically Jessie James) in a cement factory! I’m starting to think those are all the locations our director had access too. They try to get him to talk, name dropping their other lead Dutch but it doesn’t really work out. Jessie runs like hell, they bring him in and ruff him up a bit but then when he was ready to talk things go sideways. A bunch of Kung Fu cement workers show up and things escalate! into a brawl once again. Truthfully this movie quite possible has the biggest fight per minute ratio of all non- Hong Kong flicks! Just when you thought they were getting somewhere, my favorite character- the bodybuilder is shot and killed with a single bullet from the sniper! Man, that’s a bummer.
Their next lead gets them to the used-car salesman and at this point I’m sure that Patric Donahue is filming exclusively in his friends establishments. I mean let’s be honest, badass assassins don’t have business with the used car salesman. Now, knowing what kind of a movie is this when they confront the salesman everything erupts into a full on brawl but this time it’s followed by a crazy car crash- and I must admit despite the general quality of this movie stunt people did their work surprisingly well.
Unfortunately the moment the Chinese member of the Squad asks about Dutch he gets the bullet to the stomach and dies shortly. Maybe they should just quit. Also it’s a bit confusing they are letting the mysterious sniper dude get away and they are not even trying to return fire. When I think of it- why are former military officers not using any guns whatsoever? Doesn’t make any sense to me.
Things end the same way they begun with Larry seemingly the only remaining member of the Squad. He also finally tracks down Dutch who’s none other than Cameron Mitchell (the star of everything and anything from The High Chaparral to Deadly Prey). The most ridiculous thing is that he found him in the middle of a crazy pool party and he starts hitting everything and anything on his way- including girls! He then beats Dutch to a bloody pulp but just when you thought that it was all over the mysterious assassin shows up again, just as Joseph mysteriously disappears. Also previously dead member of the squad appears to help Larry explaining that his life was saved by the bulletproof west. He then proceeded to take his west off (you know, the one that saved him) so he can be cut by a sword mere moments later. Man, this dude is a complete imbecile!
And then we finally see the assassin unmasked- and he is Joseph himself?! With added shoepolish or brueses and badly drawn teeth on his lips? I can’t even start do describe this.So, he ploted a deliberate revenge scenario for no reason whatsoever. I mean his wife was about to leave him (penniless) but that has absolutely noting to do with his Vietnam buddies. Larry fittingly ends him by only way possible- decapitation.
It’s always fascinating to think about the crazy, CRAZY movies that almost happened- like Tim Burton/ Nicolas Cage Superman or Albert Pyun’s Spiderman but that list now has a new and unexpected addition. Through the Blumhouse‘s horror podcast Shock Waves we found out about the script for an unprocessed (Charles Band’s) Empire Pictures Horror directed by Stewart Gordon (Re-Animator, From Beyond) featuring none other but the The Governator himself Arnold Schwarzenegger!!! This was supposed to be Schwarzenegger movie after Raw Deal (1986) and it would have probably come out in between Predator and The Running Man (1987).
It turns out that Schwarzenegger’s Terminator stunt double also had a role in Re-Animator and that led to the friendship between Gordon and Arnold. They considered working together and came up with the idea of a wrestler that loses his mind because of super- steroids, and then naturally going on a murder spree all through New York city. I mean, Schwarzy yelling like a madman and ripping arms and legs left and right. I would so pay to see that! Thankfully there is one piece of promo artwork saved in the archives, so you can get the idea.
That also sounds a bit like the real murder- suicide of the famous WWF wrestler Chris Benoit. and Joe Begos actually found out about this movie talking about the case with Gordon.
Movie was originally going to be called STEROID but they later changed it to much more awesome- BERSERKER!
Update (2023): Years after the original interview– Joe Begos who originally broke the news spoke to the Best Movies Never Made podcast about this mythic collaboration that almost happened. Hosts also obtained a draft of the script so we can finally have a full idea what this movie would have looked like. So here’s the most important excerpts from the the episode:
“…(Arnold Schwarzenegger) is the strongest, meanest wrestler around.He enters the ring in a bear skin roaring wild eyed.Like the fabled berserkers of Scandinavian history. He fights bear fleshed in a meager loincloth, reckless, mad for the battle.The bout is brutal, bone crunching.The berserker is magnificent.And then it’s revealed, you know, that he’s a wrestling heel, so he always has to lose to the face and that’s kind of the kick off here, is that.
But he’s a foreign guy stuck playing foreign wrestling characters, which, you know, like the Iron Sheik… always had to be the heel, losing to some American guy.And he’s got a friend who’s similarly marginalized, named Black Mamba, who’s a talented black wrestler who’s got like, he’s got a special wrestling move called the Snake Bite…
And then one day Black Mamba shows up being like buffer and more confident and better than ever and reveals that he’s got some new special drug that he’s taking. And the arc of the story is that Berserker and Black Mamba both start taking this like experimental steroid.But, I guess because Black Mamba had been taking it first, we get to see the full arc of his and he like really fucks up a guy in the ring…
It’s so sad because the full arc of the story is that Black Mamba dies in his arms. And after he dies, Berserker goes and tracks down the Doctor who they’re getting it from. And you realize, yeah, this is like experimental.It’s harvested from reptiles in some way to make this drug. And Shirley wants him to stop taking it. But I also love that the element that’s like, you can’t really stop taking it because we see what happens to you.It’s basically just a moral decision.Do you want to keep taking the drug long enough that you go insane and start killing people, which then Berserker does well?”
*text was edited for length and clarity but you can listen to the full episode right here– it’s definitely worth your time.
Even though we never saw Schwarzenegger as a wrestler in a movie, he did have this wrestling appearance in WWF/ WWE and man, he’s beating HHH like his life depends on it:
Transmutations was written by Clive Barker, and that’s fairly surprising considering how terrible the plot is, along with the very poor characterizations of almost every single player in the film. But this is not the only time someone butchers Barker’s stories. Remember “Rawhead Rex“? Yeesh!
Mutant ninjas
As introduction to what we might expect from this movie we see some sort of ninja-resembling characters running around in hurry at night without any particular goal. Later, on a closer look, it turns out that they are just an ordinary people with duct tape tied around their heads. Urgh…bear it with me. Duct tape people then, accompanied with couple of freaks, crash in some high class orgies and from there they kidnap high class hooker Nicole (played by Nicola Cowper) who was laying in her bed dressed in curtain. Oh yeah, and they had butler beaten up. Nice start!
Sid Vicious as albino man-ape
When you are short of one hooker what do you do? You hire a detective. So Roy Bain (played by Larry Lamb) is called in to investigate a case of a missing hooker by rich businessman Motherskille (played by Steven Berkoff). Why him? Well we can just assume that Bain has had connections with Motherskille and Nicole in the past; the film does a particularly poor job of giving the viewer any sort of back-story towards the beginning, and after the plot has begun to meander, it really makes no difference anymore. All we know about him is that he is the usual arrogant self-employed detective cum painter, and he performs his duties with a reticence that might not really be acting at all, but instead Lamb’s hesitance to star in this movie at all. Anyway, after a bit of convincing by Motherskille, he decides to accept the case. He went to the crime scene where he talked to Madam Pepperdine (played by Ingrid Pitt) and another hooker Bianca (played by Irina Brook). Apart of Pepperdine’s teasing her butler Ricardo (played by an established actor Trevor Thomas) by saying that the only thing that got hurt was his pride (despite the fact that the poor fellow’s neck was almost broken), Bain didn’t get much information out of her. But he did find a lead – a bottle of some drug under Nicole’s pillow. When he pressed Bianca about it she told him that he should check it with Dr Savary, whom Nicole used to visit often. On his way back he meets Darling (played by Brian Croucher), a GUY who was sent by…someone…to look after him (I certainly wouldn’t want someone named Darling to watch my back) .Darling tells Bain that Motherskille and Savary are together into business with strange drug. But what kind of drug? We’ll find out soon.
He has a golden heart
After being scanned with futuristic metal detector you can see on the picture above, Bain meets with Dr Savary (played by Denholm Elliot) and confronts him about drug. Doctor didn’t let himself crack under the sarcasm and irritation Bain evokes at all times and he denied any knowledge of such substance. But Bain took an opportunity while Savary was briefly outside the office to take a look around. He finds a key and strangely shaped figurines. This is the point when viewers should start connecting some of a strings in the plot but I doubt that any of us could do such thing, given so little info about everything. Anyway, Savary is back and kicks out detective as politely as he could. Meanwhile, freaks somewhere conduct experiments on Nicole. They are giving her the same
substance Bain found at her room. Apparently, according to freak doctor Nygaard (played by Paul Brown), she is immune to dreams which drug should cause. Nicole wakes up disoriented and starts asking questions. To calm her and show they mean no harm (apart of poking and probing her), freaks, who happens to be very nice and polite, introduce themselves. Besides Nygaard there are also Oriel (played by Miranda Richardson) and Dudu (played by Paul Mari), who enjoyed sniffing her hair and is very proud of his nickname Shitface. Another freak storms in and explains that he had lost two men (men? hm) while breaking in to Savary’s office. It turns out that freaks need regular doses of drug in order to…I don’t know what. And by lost he meant it literally since one of them called Red Dog (played by Gary Olsen) was taken over by dreams and gone wild. Still no idea what kind of dreams those are. Anyway, Red Dog seems to have a crush on Bianca and gets infuriated after he finds her in Bain’s bed. Battle commences consisted of shooting, wrestling, balls grabbing and similar gay techniques followed with Bain chasing Red Dog throw the dark alley. Bain finds freak laying on the ground but to his surprise another freak shows up and drags Red Dog to sewers. Could it be some new race of C.H.U.D.? Everything is possible with script writer like this.
Clive Barker approves this
We are now at night club watching a gay performance. Bain there finds Motherskille enjoying the show with his retarded thugs and presses him about the drug. Motherskille at first wouldn’t admit anything (he was even swearing on life of his children), but after some police brutality he had no other option than to admit he occasionally manufactures things for Savary (though, he still denies any knowledge about the drug). So back to Savary it seems. Bain sneaks into doctor’s office and finds a tape with the test subject. As it always happens to be our hero gets captured by Savary when he was about to unfold the mystery. But wait, more of clichés are incoming! While holding Bain at point of his gun, Savary decides to do what every criminal mastermind does in that situation –
reveal everything. Apparently, the drug in question is euphoric, an powerfully hallucinogenic and painkiller, which gives a feats of strength to it’s users. And like every other drug it is addictive. The only side effect is that it turns humans into mutants. Hm, didn’t see that one coming from the first moment Motherskille hired Bain… Anyway, you can’t expect that a main charracter gets killed when he is about to solve a mystery, so Bain somehow manages to trick Savary and escape his office.
Bain decides to get to the bottom of problem. He enters sewers and there he finds mutants’ secret headquarters. Just like that! And Nicole, who tells him that this is now her home and mutants are her friends (despite the fact that she is immune to the side effects). They leave him tied just to be found by one of Motherskille’s crooks, a guy who wears ridiculous sunglasses throughout the entire film. He takes a bit of his time from the mission to kill all of the freaks just to inject drug into Bain. Could this be the end of our hero detective?
A happy bunch
Killing a bunch of mutated freaks turned out not to be an easy task. Led by Nicole they manage to capture Savary and right when they were about to make doctor tastes his own medicine (oh how poetic), Motherskille shows up with his goons and another shooting takes a place. Obviously he wants the entire place wiped out, including mutants. Why? Well here is how I see the plot at this point: Motherskille hired Bain to find Nicole, for whom he already presumed has become a mutant. He sends someone to follow Bain. Why? Because when Bain finds Nicole that means he will also find so-called Underworld, a place where all failed experiments reside, which he seeks to destroy. And for what reason? I guess to wipe out any remaining traces that could lead to his connection with drug. Keep in mind that I am writing this using a logic since film itself doesn’t give any background story nor the explanation. Ok, now we are back to movie. While I was bringing out my thoughts, Motherskille lost his own in shooting duel with Bain. Still, the final confrontation is between Nicole and Savary , where she uses her newfound superpowers (?) to burn mannequin dressed as an evil doctor. At the very end, she announces that it is not over yet (we certainly hope it is) and walks away with the only surviving mutant Dudu, thus leaving Bain with dumb xpression on his face.
Conclusion: The script is quite bad, but it’s managed fairly well by the actors, who do the best with what they have. Fortunately, most of the actors are very good, and that means that Transmutations is at least watchable. It’s following the storyline that becomes the killer here, because it’s a horrible maze of characters switching back and forth between good and bad guys while Bain tries to tell the difference. The story is simply a mess of ideas that do very little of anything, and not even the dark wave, saxophone-riddle soundtrack can make this film any more interesting. Nicole’s role as the damsel in distress is both boring and generic. There are some other characters who are supposed to be more important, like Motherskille (how can that name not cause you to foreshadow his role as supreme villain?) and his crooks. Transmutations even makes note of the terrible character writing by referring to one of the goons as a parrot; it’s a generous compliment. As for the mutants, at first, the viewer might question why the “monsters” of Transmutations aren’t really that scary. Sure, they growl a lot, and some have glowing eyes while others get bulbous growths on their faces, but there’s nothing about them that seems overtly threatening. See, it’s fine and good if Transmutations wants the monsters to be misunderstood. It often works for films of this nature. But not when the movie spends little time with them, and barely tries to develop them beyond their physical characteristics alone. This film wasn’t easy to find and maybe that’s a good thing, because a film this bad will die out without its lifeblood – the audience. The movie isn’t an evolution of the horror genre, but a mutant that is doomed to die off because of its fatal errors.
This movie is basically Halloween meets Rosemary’s Baby meets The Exorcist produced cheaply in Hong Kong in the 80’s- so you know you’re in for a treat right away. And I know what you’re thinking- a Chinese movie without Kung Fu!? I mean even their regular horror movies from Ronny Yu‘s Bride with White Hair to Painted Skin (one of my personal favorites) have at least some sweet punching and kicking action sequences. But don’t worry: creepy atmosphere, dated synth score and some brutal slasher action pretty much make up for it. Add to that an Asian exorcism (see Ninja 3: Domination) and you’ll sure to have some fun with it.
There’s something very wrong with that lady in the corner!
After some spacey and a cheese keyboard effects movie stars in full swing. A young girl Mei-hsun Fang catches a cab rushing to a date. She even looses an umbrella in the process. If she knew what’s awaiting her she would have just stayed in bed that day. It turns out the driver was none other than brought to an abandoned building is a notorious Killer and a Rapist!
She tries her best to run away but he catches her and in one of the rare truly disturbing scenes of the films pounds her head to the pavement until she looses consciousness. Then I guess he proceeds to rape her?
Despite everything Mei- hsun somehow menages to survive. And although she is shell- shocked to the core she succeeds in identifying the criminal that assaulted her. Notice the detective Don Wong, famously a newcomer from Chuck Norris‘sSlaughter in San Francisco is present. Chinese being Chinese dispose off the assassin/ rapist in the most brutal way possible via firing squad! Unfortunately Mei’s nightmares don’t end just yet, she is plagued by nightmares of his death and soon enough she starts suspecting she is pregnant.
Now, my favorite scene in the club where Mei’s fiance takes her to cheer her up.Despite his best efforts the establishment ends up being less than respectable– coupled with the super-skinny and super–slutty female singer that screams “I’m a dragon, you’re a worm…” Seemingly unrelated scene is perhaps foreshadowing something yet to come? Nope, it turns out it’s there just for the hell of it!
She really has a way with words, does she?
Soon enough she is in the doctor’s office and she get a conformation of her pregnancy. She asks about a possibility of terminating the pregnancy but something (or someone) doesn’t want this to happen! Nurse looses her mind, seemingly possessed by evil spirits and the craziness erupts with the doctor flying out of the office window pushed by some invisible force!
Crushed by the massacre in the hospital she then tries desperately to abort by falling down the stairs. That could have proved fatal in more ways than one but they both manage to survive. The only thing she succeeds in is having a baby a month prematurely! So yeah, she fails completely. Also, the doctors accept the fact that she slipped and fell way to easily but I guess they don’t have time for suicidal looneys like her in a busy Hong Kong.
Mei-hsun’s husband, the nanny and her slutty friend (everybody’s got one) all believe that the little boy is cute as it gets but the baby is in fact supernatural… and when no one is around it uses opportunities to troll and torture his mother (PS you can even hear straight lift of The Exorcist music at this point). After a while despite the best efforts by the director Richard Chen her paralyzing fear of her own child becomes increasingly amusing to the audience.
I mean when she ignores the child she ends up looking like a bitch and when she tries to bite the bullet and take care of him, he completely destroys her mentally. Poor lady can’t catch a break!
She’s having a fight with her newborn child… and she’s loosing.
Now, the time has come, she finally has to face her demonic baby. Her nanny overhears her and informs her of a temple where she can exorcise her child, if she believes in that sort of stuff. There’s a temple specialized for child exorcism? Man, those Chinese leave nothing to chance– and who knows, maybe we’re not exorcising kids often enough here in Europe. In the meantime her muchmore carefree friend decided to dump her old reliant boyfriend and get engaged with a musician. As we know those things never really work out.
I love the way Abbot exorcises the demon with a sword in his hand!
Now free from the child the evil spirit of the Slasher returns to his original form (I don’t know how that works but it does), and of course sets out to complete his revenge. He starts from the poor nanny, the only death I kinda feel sorry about. Also Mei-hsun’s slutty friend drops by in the worst possible time, and to top it off she starts taking her clothes off– literally signing her death sentence. Slasherheeds her call and cuts one of her arteries, but instead of letting her bleed out he strangles her and crushes her head!Man, that’s brutal! Bodycount keeps rising as a friend’s boring suitor gets there too, just to be brutallyimpaled on the knife.
It’s too late to take your top now- you’re already dead!
The Slasher than gets to Mei-hsun, but she somehow manages to grab the child and escape. He keeps chasing her but she succeeds in staying alive long enough for her husband and the police officer Don Wong to arrive and they finally destroy the monster with the combination of holly wine and lots of bullets too (better safe than sorry).
Verdict: This movie actually has some super- interesting themes for horror like fear of the pregnancy and post- natal depression and I can help by to wonder how it would look if those themes were actually seriously explored. Instead, we get a lot of cheaply recycled scenes from the more established Horror franchises, sometimes even pretty badly stitched together but it still doesn’t fail to entertain so you have to at least give ’em that.
After the hit documentary Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films , we present you another promising B-movie documentary– produced and directed by Daniel Griffith covering a very interesting company- Charles Band’s Empire Production! Now, even if you don’t remember the name I’m sure you’ll remember some of their hits.
Empire Pictures started with limited released such as Swordkill and Dungeonmaster, followed by a string of actual theatrical hits like Reanimator and Ghoulies and also Trancers.
“2,000 movies by the year 2000!” Well, not really…
Unfortunately it all came crushing down just 5 years later after a scandal with their main financier Credit Lyonnais (a French bank that was outed for it’s predatory lending practices and actively trying to conceal Empire’s pile of debts from other creditors). It all ended in a mess of lawsuits, and the company was bought out by newly founded Epic Pictures Entertainment with Band leaving to found Full Moon Entertainment which is despite a break of some years still active!
Director Ed Hunt had had nice idea here. He had tried to explore (and exploit for that matter) one of the deepest fears of human kind – children. He probably knew that deep in our conscience we are terrified by even a slight possibility of something so pure and innocent can be evil. Unfortunately for him, at the end it was only idea with poor realization.
The beginning of this movie takes us back to June 9, 1970. Location: Maternity Ward in Meadowvale, California. We see an old doctor (played by Jose Ferrer) preparing to deliver babies of 3 women. He seems happy to do it despite the fact he is going to miss solar eclipse which started happening right in that moment. During that eclipse 3 babies were born; two boys and one girl. After that, fast forward to June 1, 1980. Two young people are expressing their love on the local cemetery. As a highlight of this romantic act guy takes the girl into open grave where he intends to bone her. No such luck since he took 2 hits to his noodle with shovel when he stood up to check up some noise he was hearing. Girl wasn’t spared either as she ended up strangled with something that looks like a shoelace to me (though in the later scene Sherriff claimed it was a skipping rope). Guy went back on his feet and tried to save her but BAM… another hit of shovel finished him off. At least they died hugging each other and buried together. What will the real owner of the grave say when he finds intruders at his resting place?
Later that night the 10 years old boy Timmy (played by K.C. Martel) sneaks into his house through the window. His sister Joyce (played by Lori Lethin) notices him but she didn’t find anything suspicions about that or his excuse of going out to feed a dog. No surprise there though, since she is into some astrological mumbo jumbo. Anyway, the next day Sherriff came by to school asking questions about last night murder. Why did him come to interrogate a bunch of 10 years old kids about some gruesome murder is beyond my reach. Oh yes, he found the part of a skipping rope. Yup it makes sense, when you think about it. That item surely couldn’t have gotten there earlier than previous night. 3 of them in the class seemed to knew something about that. The very same 3 who asked the teacher if their entire class could be excused from homework since they are having birthdays next week. The teacher cooled off them with words “Just because you are all having the same birthday doesn’t mean you are special”. No argue with that. Kids took it seemingly pretty well and went home. There, the girl Debbie (played by Elizabeth Hoy) shows an outstanding talent for pimping since she charges a quarter to Steven (played by Andrew Freeman) and Curtis (played by Billy Jayne, who you might be remembering from “Charmed” TV series) for watching her slutty sister Beverly (played by Julie Brown) through a peephole while changing her clothes. This scene sends loud and clear message that even women are encouraging pimping and prostitution overall (which is not shocking at all when you think about it).
Peep hole is for peeping
Any suspense about who is killer (if there were any) was cleared out 20 minutes after movie started when Debbie and her companions killed Debbie’s father Sherriff James (played by Bert Kramer) with a baseball bat in broad daylight in front of his very own house! No time like a present, I would say. Explanation was that he died by walking onto skateboard on stairs. Why no one tried to explain bruises from baseball bat? Also, that is a moment when every logic of film-making went downhill and over the cliff, falling into humiliating death. The following scene proves my words because it shows James’ funeral which took place the very same day when he was murdered. If you look closer, you can spot young Michael Dudikoff among mourners who plays Beverly’s boyfriend Willard.
Spot a ninja
Timmy saw them standing around Sherriff’s corpse which makes him the next target. Under the excuse of play-date (man this word sounds so pathetic). Curtis lures Timmy into the junkyard where he locks him up inside old fridge. After a bit of struggling Timmy manages to escape such death box (or cold grave if you will have it). He runs home and tells everything to Joyce but she wouldn’t believe him (well duh), including his confession about peeping through peephole at Debbie’s home the night of the murder. Meanwhile, Debbie and her gang are making a scrapbook of death. Another entry is going to be made. Yup, they are planning to kill their teacher Miss Davis (played by Susan Strasberg). So they steal late Sherriff’s revolver later that night. The very day next Curtis walks into teacher’s house and shoots her in cold blood. Of course, this happens in the middle of the day as well. I guess classmate are going to be excused from homework after all and none is wiser. Well, almost none. Joyce, who is teacher’s assistant, finds her dead and runs away to her home. There she finds a note from Timmy stuck onto front door in which he states that he went playing at the junkyard. But he promised he wouldn’t go there anymore! At this point it is clear even to the dumbest among you dear readers of this review that this was just a set up. And you are right! The moment Joyce had arrived at the junkyard, Steven and Curtis (dressed as a members of Ku Klux Klan for some reason) started chasing her in some old car in attempt to run over her dumb ass. As it always happens, Joyce manages to save herself by climbing onto big pile of junk, leaving two boys to crash into it. Police came up quickly but Steven and Curtis had already escaped. So still no one suspects them.
Seems that explanation for their evil behavior lies in astrology. Joyce explained to Timmy that because they were born during the eclipse they lack conscience. How’s that, you might ask? Simple. Saturn was blocked during the eclipse and, like we all know, Saturn controls emotions. It is a scientific fact. It’s not the children to blame for. It is those damn planets moving around in their stupid orbits. As confirmation of Joyce’s words, Curtis shoots another young couple who were trying to have sex at the back of their van. In front of his house! Fit penalty for public display. Of course, no one has been woke up by gunshots from this mighty revolver so another funeral takes the place. They sure like funerals.
No public sex, kids might be watching
It is a party time! All 3 of them are celebrating their birthdays together. One of the guests was a bit shaken by recent deaths but otherwise it is very cheerful there. Cakes are ready, looking delicious…But with one secret ingredient! Ant poison! Or it would have been if Joyce haven’t had bumped onto Curtis while he was trying to spice up the cake. She made a scene, but no one would believe her. She better have kept her mouth shut. She stopped mass poisoning. Let’s all bid Joyce a warm welcome to the hit list. But first things first. Beverly had found Debbie’s scrapbook of death. Instead to take that evidence to the police (though she did show it to her mother, who just ignored it), or at least become a bit worried about her little sister’s mental health, dumb slut burned the only evidence in fireplace. Well, not the only one. Beverly is now the only one who can link them to murders. Of course, Debbie wouldn’t miss the opportunity to remove this threat so she took care of her older sister by using a bow and arrow through peephole. Though, after this move, the only thing Debbie can do is to hang “Out of business” sign.
Now the mystery starts to unfold. Picture of Joyce is the first entry in new scrapbook of death thus making her to be officially on the blacklist. All cards are on the table. Debbie, Steven and Curtis are openly trying to kill Joyce and Timmy wherever and whenever they can. After some chasing and gunning scenes, Steven is subdued when a bowl of water is thrown in his face, while Curtis simply runs out of bullets and gets beaten up. Only Debbie uses her brain to escape , and her mother (head still firmly inserted into her own backside) sneaks her away and flees town with her. The movie’s ending reveals that mom and daughter remain at large under different identity and that Debbie has claimed another victim, thus setting the stage for a sequel, which fortunately never
happened.
Conclusion: As I have it understood, message of this movie is following: Anyone, who has been born the same day as anyone else, is evil. And that’s not the biggest problem here. Bigger problems are executioners, who are undoubtedly the least imposing genre villains ever presented. One them possess the inhuman ability to fire a handgun that weights as much as he does. The clumsy staging of the murders is signaled from the opening scene (graveyard lovers), and blatantly lifted music from “Friday the 13th” just adds it’s contribution to negative score, save for the few sequences of nudity. Also, if you are going to put “Blood” in the title, you should probably put some in the movie too. Only a single arrow to the eye gag even registers a blip on the gore meter. Still, I find this atrocious movie worth watching because, deep inside me, I am just one bloodthirsty kid as well.
The last part of the famous Cannon Film’s Ninja trilogy (of completely unrelated films) is without the doubt the craziest and the must fun of them all. Fact that we have an absolute miscast, a dancing star Lucinda Dickey(Breakin’, Breakin’ 2: The Electric Boogaloo) in the main role only makes it that much sweeter.
This movie starts with too seemingly unrelated scenes, a Ninja prepping his ancient and deadly weapons in the cave and some ritch guys playing golf without a care in the world. Turns out Ninja was payed to kill one of the rich golf playing pricks. Which one, who knows- he killed them all!
He’s maybe good at killing but strategy is certainly not his greatest strength.
Now, beside some fun moments in the fight I have to wonder why did someone trained in the art of deception decide to kill people in the broad daylight on the location where it’s almost impossible to for him to hide. I mean he even runs by foot being chased by cop cars and motorcycles. Stopping numerous cops, including two riding a helicopter he menages to escape barely alive by burying himself deep in the sand. Cops eventually give up on the pursue and he menages to get to a random girl fixing a phone line while listening to modern dance music on a boombox ( I guess she doesn’t have a cool Walkman like everyone else). He grabs her and after some scuffle she excepts an gift, Ninja To (sword) after which he finally drops the bucket.
Then we are treated to flashbacks of the Ninja’s battle that happened literally 3 minutes ago!!! Did they really want to beef up the running time of this movie or what? She ends up interrogated in the police station and one of the younger officers Billy Secord , irritatingly insist on taking her out on a coffee. She continues to have flashbacks and runs away.But after playing some games on her… she decides that it’s noting some aerobics won’t fix.
It seems gyms bring out the worse in men, because more than a couple jacked up idiots are making advances to one of the aerobic chicks Lucy to the point of being ready to take her by force. And that’s not in a dark ally but in the broad daylight in front of dozen witnesses! I don’t know what they’re on but it’s not doing them any good. Thankfully, the evil ninja ghost kicks in and Christie transforms into a deadly ass- kicker. And after an impressive acrobatic routine Christie kicks the crap out of muscle-heads while people cheer (why not one of them even thought about helping a girl out- who knows?)
Irritating cop Billy finally menages to pick her up in his car. Now, remember boys if you are stalking a girl long enough she’s going to eventually give up! Or call the cops, thankfully Secord is a cop himself so he doesn’t have that problem. They get into a bit of a fight but shockingly she takes the dude home, and gets to undressing part really, really quick. I don’t think we can blame the evil ninja spirit for this behavior.After the sex scene we are treated to some light show and a flying sword which all indicates Ninja possession is becoming even stronger.
And it is- as she dresses up in the costume and goes after one of the cops who killed “him”. The old man is playing pool in his home (who has a pool table in his living room?) and doesn’t see it coming. I guess he never had an avenging Ninja problem before. Soon enough another police officer ends up dead (the one in a Jacuzzi with couple of girls) but she still can’t put the peaces to together and thinks it’s all a nightmare.
Dead Ninja is sorry he didn’t kill absolutely everybody and goes after the cops that eventually stopped him.
Also, my favorite Sho Kosugi arrives to the US via airplane. He’s interesting because he doesn’t have an eye but he did what any other badass would do, he made and eye-patch out of sword shielding and wears it proudly for all the world to see. You know you don’t want to mess with a person like that.
Man, he’s awesome!
Her boyfriend I guess (that was fast) Billy kinda figures out what is going on and brings her to a Japanese mystic a Japanese mystic (played by James Hung, a Chinese man). She gets tied up and he performs and Asian Exorcism (like the regular Exorcism only in Japanese). In spite it being very amusing for the audience Ninja is is not impressed and he refuses to leave her body.
“You fool! You cannot stop me. I am a NINJA!”
It turns out that an ancient law applies here (the one I actually never heard before) “only a ninja can destroy a ninja” So that’s where Sho Kosugi comes in. His fellow ninja cost him his Master and his eye and he will get his revenge. She gets back home and angry at herself decides to battle the possible loss of her body and should to an unclean and evil presence by… dirty dancing! ’cause that’s how you solved problems in the 80’s Did any problems actually got solved in the 80’s?I seriously doubt it.
Now Ninja continues his devious plan by attending the funeral of the cop- just to use the gathering as an opportunity to kill the remaining cops. Man he is insatiable! Thankfully things get sorted out- an exorcism finally separates the demon Ninja and the girl and Ninja ends up in a duel with Kosugi in an old temple in the most awesome Kung Fu moment of the whole movie.
Slightly less epic battle ensues on the hill and seemingly indestructible Ninja finally meets his demise by the only way possible, a freakin’ knife to the brain! You can’t go back from that… well except if you’re some kind of zombie ninja, but being that we experienced a demon ninja here I guess everything is possible. Cannon never picked up from here (making another unrelated Ninja sequel) but truthfully there is still no way to top this movie, is it?
This is the end, my Ninja friend, the end…
Verdict: It can be said that this movie is Cannon Films in a nutshell.
I mean it has dancing, aerobics, synth score, Asian Martial Arts, over the top acting and the ridiculous plot all rolled up in one! If you meet a person who knows nothing of Cannon Studios opus this would be more than a fine example (even more so than their more popular franchises like American Ninja, Missing in Action or endless string of Death Wish sequels).
Trivia: And ’cause it’s always fun to hear it from the people who were there in Cannon’s golden days (including Lucinda Dickey) here’s a clip from the documentary Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films.
I don’t know about you,but I’ve never found Bigfoot to be scary.Not many people do. David A. Prior set out to change that. Hence this cinematic masterpiece that exploded in our faces.And his too presumably.
What we’ve got here is a creature feature,horror pic, set in a cousy town of Morningside.We open with two teenagers getting it down,the girl looking pretty underwhelmed by the experience.This unfortunate affair (that will turn even more unfortunate) is taking place in a car,in the woods.There is only one way this could end.
So the girl hears something.“Don’t worry,it must be a bear,or a wolf or something” he consoles her.That’s what every girl in the forest wants to hear.I know I would.”A bear,a wolf,Jack the reaper,nothing to worry about here”
They continue,but then some CGI glass is broken as he gets dragged outside of the car by our monster.Bad sex is punishable by death,death by Sasquatch.Take note. Every time you don’t satisfy a girl,a jock somewhere gets killed by a sasquatch.She is not about to let him go without a fight,so she grabs onto his legs,resulting in his feet getting ripped off.
Foot-feet,get it?Big foot…feet..so funny
Outside of the car,he gets molded.A bit too extreme.She tries to start the car,but that never works in any movies,especially bad ones.She doesn’t have her priorities straight (priorities,Prior,get it…hilarious) as she emerges from the car somehow dressed.And gets molded. This leads us to painfully long opening credits,consisting mostly of Ted Prior And Frank Stallone.Wait Stalone is in this?YAS. We are then greeted with body parts scattered around the forest on the warm day as cheerful cops are trying their best to look disgusted and shaken.We meet our fabulous sheriff.Fake it till you make it type,which seems to work for him,because somehow,he seems to be taken seriously by the townsfolk and his colleagues alike.
There is a lady cop on the scene too. He has an ex wife.They have the hots for each other.It would have been cute if there weren’t dead teenagers scattered about. How could this be?Who could have done this?WHAT could have done this? “Call Zooes,museums,universities” If I was a cop and had two dead kids on my hands,I would call a museum too.
But who could be there hiding in the bushes? This hunter guy and his two merry assistants.One presumably Albanian.They are the ones hiding in the bushes.Surrounded by cops and loaded with weapons.You know,just bush diving.And they are here to hunt down the beast.They will stop at nothing,they fear nothing.Spoiler-they all die.
We need more cast.We need more bodies.Oh good,we are introduced to our campers.Not so young young campers.Not so enthusiastic,out of place campers lead by tough survivalist Sharon.Its a three day adventure no one but her wants to be on.We have two married couples,and we are informed that third one bailed out.Lucky bastards.We have a worried guy.He must die.And we have his plain wife.She must die.And then we have the man himself Ted Prior,but he is kind of an asshole,so he must die.And finally we have his blond dumb wife.She must die first.Sharon is here to survive.And she is down for this forest shit.I mean she eats it up.We just might see her fistfight the beast.Throw in an armbar (clawbar) in there too.
We are so acting
Look we have a tamagotchi in the case of trouble
Now all this calls for sexy female scientist,dead set to take part in the hunt,and her nerdy gay assistant.Who must die. Blond busty scientist,Sarah, arrives in the Sheriff’s office,and lady cop, Roberta is not pleased.I mean really? Bitch please.Get your claws of mah man.We are used to scientists not having budgets or power, they are struggling to MAKE PEOPLE SEE,but not this one.She has ,like, a president on speed dial.And she knows just what killed these kids.How?Who the fuck knows. And if they don’t want military on their asses,they will let her tag along.
Where first?To the morgue! At the morgue they meet an acting gem,Dr-MR Hopper.He and sexy Sarah seem to see eye to eye.It was a beast,10 feet tall beast.No one or nothing else could have done that. A man?What a joke.A bear?No?Big foot?Seems feasible. And you know who knows all about this Bigfoot fellow?Towns drunk.
This man knows stuff!
Sarah and her assistant friend go and see him,they buy him beer,the only currency he accepts.And he tells them the story about how Bigfoot tried to kill him.And that other time when Bigfoot wanted to fuck him.No biggie. And oh,there is more than one. He missed to tell them that aliens also tried to fuck him.Talking about bad karma.He probably gets catcalls from Goblins all the time. Back to our campers. Engage the night mode.
Night Mode engaged!
Seriously,this movie has one of the worst night modes in cinematic history.You can see its clearly day and in some scenes you can see dark blob in down left corner of the screen.What is that? Didn’t clean the camera lens?Used dirty X ray to film this? What did you do?Tell me! Tell meeee!
So,the night falls and the beast is in full beast mode,as it kills Sharon in a” Surprise bitches mode.”Wait what,Sharon?Oh okay…maybe they want to show us these unexpirienced people fending for themselves in the forest. Then plain woman is dead.Then her husband.Wait,the order is all messed up here.Oh well,that’s…fresh. Our Charlie,who has mostly one line (Shut up Sandy) has a gun btw,and will not let anyone stand in his way.Not even his wife. Asshole. Something worth mentioning is that our beast has style when it comes to killing,i t likes to waltz in the scene as seen here,when it kills plains woman’s husband,or it likes to walk up to its victims from behind letting them do that “Its right behind me isn’t it” thing.
But hey,Charlie and his blond wife make it out of the night.Hunters are on their trail.And in the town,well,our sheriff faces yet another problem and is as cheerful about it as about everything else.He learns that Sharon took party of four “on one of her little survival trips”,and some trigger happy towns folk are gathering to do what they do best.Shoot things and avenge teenagers. We cant have that! And he actually manages to stop them from going in to the woods.I cant believe he accomplished something.One task down,one more to go.Go and find our happy campers.Who tags along?Scientist does.That can not go wrong.
Now we see our new group of town jocks,driving and drinking,going to have a little party in the forest.They have somehow managed to live in a tiny town,and not know that two of their friends have been mutilated the night before,and in that same forest may I add.Okay we were informed its summertime and there is pumpkin festival coming,its major,and the last thing the town needs is that kind of publicity (I would think the last thing a town needs is dead kids,or killer on the loose,but don’t ask me) but you would know,OKAY?I mean there was a mob gathering (infront of sheriffs office just so you know) to kill the beast,but you don’t know anything?
Local idiot
But oh goodie,they bump in to police road block and our merry sheriff,who has by now singled himself as my favorite character.Police is bloking the road,they are going to live..Sheriff will make sure that these kids with alcohol and attitude get home safely,and NOT proceed.Right?Wrong.Yep,they are going to die.Thanx sheriff. “There is something going on here,and i cant talk about it right now (because pumpkin festival is more important to this town then you kids) but its not safe for ether one of you to be outhere in the woods tonight.“That should do the trick.No?Well,he tried.
Hey wait,weren’t you supposed to be looking for those campers sheriff?
Ah that’s why you left and left the road open?Yes,yes I get it,proceed. Back to Charlie and his wife.Hunters finally caught up with them,and Charlie kills one,crushing his wind pipe with a mighty punch.Who are you Charlie?
You wanna piece of me?
But he is kept alive by our remaining hunters,because they need-Live bait. To be continued. We have a carnage to get to. A forest party.Yes,they decide to make out,boys,girls,what else would you do in a movie? Surprisingly no boobs are seen,is this B movie I’m watching?I’m pleasantly surprised, I know I know…Most guys came to see these movies for the boobs,soft porn and abuse.You,yes you,I know who you are.
So Sasquatch joins the party,kills off some kids,others do not really notice.I mean its just 10 feet tall beast ripping your friends apart,and all you got is “what was that?(A bear,a wolf,Jack the Reaper)
And then blood…and more blood, yada.yada…but wait,one girl,she runs away!Run run you little teenager you!Run for your life! Who does she run in to?YES,sheriff and the crew!Though by now we know he is not much of a help. But he is as cheerful as always.And scientist has a suggestion “we should split up,we will cover more ground” Okay Sarah.Lets spit up,you are so smart.There is murderous beast nearby,but hey.And that is what they do.Good luck.
Now,back to our Charlie friend and his blond wife.They came up with a plan. Charlie being….being what….we don’t know,but being that,he menaged to get his left hand loose from the ties.Now she is supposed to distract the hunters (do whatever it takes). She opts for offering a blowjob and her suggestion is meet with enthusiasm from surviving thug hunter guy assistant.He leaves his shotgun by the tree Charlies is tied to,and well yes,he gets killed by it.
But did I mention Charlie is an asshole?He decides to leave his wife tied in the forest because she was enjoying herself to much when she offered blowjob to the hunter guy?As they agreed.And oh,it is cheaper to leave her to the Sasquatch then to divorce her.
Cosmic justice comes in the form of boss hunter who emerges from the trees shooting him.So what,are you telling me that SHE is the survivor here? Didn’t see that coming,Ill tell you that. Boom,what,Sasquatch appears...lets run around a little,and lets fire a shot, just so that our sheriff can scream LETS GO! Cause,you know,he heard it. Sarah emerges from the bushes alone and distraught.You know,the beast killed her assistant.
Hunter guy runs away finding a house or something,blond wife finds sheriff and his posse.Sheriff is confused but determined (love him)and wait, beacuse Charli is still alive he decides that some more splitting up is due,his troopers are supposed to call in the choper and he and Sarah are supposed to…I dont know,my head hurts. But they find the house cotage thing,and OH NO WHAT?Sarah?You are not the scientist,you are…something ellse?NO!
Sarah was hunting the hunter,not the Sasquatch.How cool is that?Hunting the hunter?And oh,she killed her assistant,for no particular reason.And now she is calling in.To who? And wait a minute,where is Frank Stallone?Is he a blond girl?Is he asasquatch? Its almost the end of the movie.Sheriff and hunter guy are fighting,or something,and Sarah saves the day (night,morning,what is this,I cant tell with this mode) but then she brakes the sheriffs neck .(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I LIKED HIM). No biggie,just snap.Ohhhh she must be…..what?I don’t know.A soldier,an agent,paladin?
Hey,whatever happened to Charlie,his wife and the cops? Sasquatch that’s what.With that out of our way lets go once again to the cabin to end this shit. ENTER FRANK STALLONE
That’s who she called. After all these years…finally he found him,the bastard who killed his son.His son was a hero and he was killed by this coward.Our hunter guy was once frst in command in this war you know,and Stallone Jr. was under him. Junior refused to follow orders,cruel orders,so he was killed.This is revenge.
And Sarah,well she walks around the forest triumphantly,and she stumbles upon,not one,but a bunch of sasquach (sasquaches?)Oh no.Guess towns drunk was right.
So who does survive this.Stallone does.Thats nice.Roberta does,and the girl from the party.Not my picks but i do not complain.How could I,the movie is over, I’m fucking happy with anything as long as it ended.
Judging by the openning credits imagery ,thug war at the beginning,mulltiple bigfoots(bigfeet?),hunters,live bate and some shots,I could say(dare I say?) that Dog soldiers was an inspiration behind this one.Is it possible that Prior and Fabio saw Dog soldiers?
And I’m sorry but Fabio Soldiani sounds so fabulous.I imagine his hair blowing in the wind.I can forgive him this script with a name like that.That’s probably how how he gets his jobs.This script is shit,but his name is Fabio Soldani.I want to be friends with Fabio Soldani. (but then I want to be friends with Ted Prior and Frank Stallone.Guys if you ever need survivor girl,hit me up.As long as it is written by Fabio Soldani)
… and this is a story of that movie!
Worsemovies 