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Project Shadowchaser 2 (1994)

Posted: 08/08/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: Bryan Genesse, Frank Zagarino, Project Shadowchaser 2, Shadowchaser

Frank Zagarino and director John Eyres strike again! After Shadowchaser 1 (which was decent), almost the identical crew had brought us this sequel. Was it
the same quality like the original? Judge by yourself.

The movie starts with several suits driving in limo. They are discussing about direct president’s order to dismantle secret, ultimate weapon named “Cobra” (how original). Apparently, president doesn’t consider SSSR as a threat anymore and wants to end a cold war (doing that by bypassing Congress and Pentagon). Suits ought to disagree with that. Their opinion is that North Korea and China are rising to be a new, even bigger threat (you can’t get wrong when you are afraid of communists). But, order is order, and they got 28 days to move Cobra technology (oh come on, be more creative next time) to Raikon facility. Also, this information is top secret, and superweapon shouldn’t fall into wrong hands. Yeah, in dreams. Old story.
Next scene takes us 3 weeks later. While washing his hands in toilet of facility building, Raikon employee gets executed by another Raikon employee. Hm, what could that mean? I guess we are going to find out sooner or later. And then title of movie pops-up.

Not a Blair witch?

Somewhere on the dusty road, 10 years old kid with mullet named Ricky (played by Danny Hill) is hitchhiking. He didn’t need to wait for long since convertible took him soon after. Both driver and Ricky have same destination – Raikon industries. Meanwhile, in that facility, everybody is in haste to finish dismantling on time. Remember, they got only one week left. And it is Christmas. Lead scientist Laurie Webber (played by Beth Toussaint) is having an argue with their employer about their 12-16 hours of work time per day. But deadline must not be crossed. A moment later Ricky and mysterious driver, who is alcoholic btw, are arriving to facility. It turns out that Ricky came to see his mother Laurie and that driver is Frank Meade (played by Bryan Genesse) who is mechanic at Raikon Industries. But he is soon-to-be an ex-mechanic, since his constant drinking and slacking at work had led to firing his ass (which again was tolerated until the moment he made a remark about Laurie’s ass). And I forgot to mention that toilet-killer had also enter the building. Shits are about to hit the fan. Which had happened in the evening when special delivery arrived. Special scientist Joe Hutton (played by Todd Jensen), who is obviously a spy (you could tell that by first look at him), was about to take care of it when another nosy scientist stormed in and demanded that he should be the one to open a special crates. It turned out that curiosity really can kill you, since gun with silencer had poked out of crate and made second bellybutton on unlucky scientist.

This is what happens when you open your Christmas gift earlier.

Later that night, the entire band of terrorist had stormed in, massacring everyone around, and showing no mercy even for women. After clearing the first floor, they decided to get back up. So, more terrorists are about to arrive. But no, this back up is consisted of one albino-android (played by Frank Zagarino) who looks like Billy Idol on anabolic steroids. Android, with the escort of 2 terrorists, goes on the second floor where Christmas party is being held. With the complete lack of Christmas spirit, Zagarino went to killing spree, showing no mercy even for Santa Claus, thus putting an end to this party much before everyone got drunk. Soon, they reveal to us their true goal. Besides of stealing the Cobra technology, they want from government to release from prison 2 of their brothers “freedom fighters” (of course, those prisoners are Muslims), giving them only 6 hours of time, or else they are going to launch nuclear missile on Washington. Oh come on, this is too much cliché even for 1994.

He ruined Christmas!!!

And what our heroes are doing during that massacre? All three of them are hiding in the basement. And they are not even together. Being separated in such moments must be very smart thing to do, especially for 10 years old Ricky. He was hiding and minding his own business when fat, bearded pedophile-looking terrorist captured him and started touching him. For keeping out things of going much worse for poor Ricky (and us, for that matter), we should thank to Frank (not Zagarino) and his heroically assault on armed pedophile. After some fight and showing us his martial arts skill, Frank managed to scorch the terrorist in one of more ridiculous scenes of this movie.

But now Laurie needs a help. She has been attacked by straight terrorist with night vision goggles. So, Frank Meade to the rescue again! Interesting thing is that alcohol gives a strength to Frank, since he got hidden bottles in every single corner of facility. Power of drunk – activated. More martial arts. Brain damaged terrorist who uses a nunchakus to choke his enemy instead of beating him. Frank steals his nunchakus, beats a crap out of terrorist and, for coup de grace, finishes him with small axe throw. Outstanding!!!

Now, the chasing begins. Laurie apparently got chip needed for entering the vault and activating Cobra Technology. It is hanging by her neck. Joe Hutton starts to lose it but Zagarino calms him down very quickly, with his strong arm. Meanwhile, while Joe and android are settling their argue, Laurie finds out that Cobra System is actually multi-headed neutron bomb so powerful that it’s blast can’t be controlled for single-targeting so it has to be dismantled (big bombs, always about big bombs). In order to prove to government that he is not joking, albino-android takes down a plane full of passengers. Actual scene of missile hitting the plane and explosion of aircraft is such a nonsense, that it makes me wonder if director of this movie have ever seen explosion in his life, apart of cartoons.

Make a wish, star is falling!

We are now at point of movie where you can precisely see how bad it actually is. Zagarino takes things into his own hands, and goes alone in search for chip. Seems like a mistake, don’t you think? Well, wrong. Not even that he managed to singlehandedly retrieve a chip, but he also managed to capture Ricky. I just fail to see a point of that, especially when keeping in mind that he wanted only girl alive. Well, no point in thinking about that now. Anyway, bad guys have found the bomb and it seems that USA can start shitting into her own pants. But, gang still wants to settle the score with our heroes. So they send cheap imitation of Rambo, who ends up electrocuted. Only in this movie.

Funny thing how can you get electrocuted when holding isolation in your hands.

The real garbage is left for end. I don’t want to spoil your potential watching of this movie, so I will be short. Let’s just say that that garbage is consisted of android showing his emotions and cracking oneliners all the time, archive footage of F-15 planes (tremendous), girl overpowering android and impailing his steel body, minutes that last for 100 seconds (probably the only original idea of this movie, but pointless), and awful , awful, awful blue screen explosion…. For the very end, Laurie makes a remark about Frank’s ass. But that’s not everything…. List of credits is followed by twisted, sick remix of “Jingle bells” song. Complete brain smasher.

Metric time?

Conclusion: I really don’t know what to say about movie so full of clichés, where androids have sense of humor and show more emotions than actual living people, minute lasts for 100 seconds, planes exploding 5 minutes after being hit by missile… It even would be fun to watch if there wasn’t so much Americanism and anti-communists propaganda, which are plain boring. Creativity of directing and producing team is on the level of mentally challenged reality show participates. Only thing worth of mentioning (on the plus side), is martial art performance by Bryan Genesse. He is the only one who knows how to fight, including the star of this movie, Frank Zagarino.

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

Posted: 30/07/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: Cannon Inc., Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, Jon Cryer, Lex Luthor, Nuclear Man, Sidney J. Furie, Superman IV

This year is without a doubt the year of Superman. We have a 75th anniversary of his first adventure in Action Comics #01, we finally have a proper adaptation playing in cinemas in (Zack Snyder directed, Nolan produced) Man of Steel and also we have a killer new comic series Superman Unchained pairing a red hot writer Scott Snyder with (almost Rock) Superstar Artist Jim Lee. We of WORSEMOVIES on the other hand have a very different way of celebrating the legacy of Man of Tomorrow, and no it’s not by reviewing a terrible wedding issue of Superman inspired by an (equally terrible) Lois and Clark series. We dig even deeper, this month we honor Supes by reviewing the most god awful comicbook film of all times- the dreaded Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (by, you guessed Cannon Inc).

Warner Bros. made fantastic success with live adaptation of Superman with young and talented Christopher Reeve and then successfully drove franchize to the ground by dropping Richard Donner in the middle of the shooting of Superman II.He was replacing by Richard Lester who’s only contact with superheroes seems to be watching Adam West’s Batman because that’s how he approached the films- campy nonsense for (probably mentally challenged) children. He added tons of unnecessary and completely imbecilic humor and because he couldn’t destroy the second part (Donner already shot approximately 75% of the movie) he made damn sure drive franchize to bankruptcy in the third one. He almost succeeded by recruiting a maniacally raving, drugged out of his mind Rychard Pryor as the antagonist Gus Gorman. That was finally it and WB officially gave on Supes concluding (cleverly) that things have run it’s course . So when young and somewhat successful studio Cannon Inc. offered to take their burden they concluded it was a WIN/ WIN situation. They wouldn’t have to risk money making another one but as a holder of rights and distribution they could still count of hefty cut of the films earnings.

Poor Warner Bros, they couldn’t have been more wrong.By the end of 80es Ninjas/ Dudikoff/ Chuck Norris hyper-production shtick wore off and Cannon’s dabling with a big space epic (that ended up being Masters of the Universe with Dolph Lundgren) came back to bite them in the ass. Superman IV: Quest for Peace can be seen as their one last big gamble to keep the company above the water. They lured Reeves in by promising him to produce a film of his choice after he is done with this one and also offering him some story credits.Then they halfed the planed and approved budget of $36-million and left the veteran director Sidney J. Furie to his own devices. In the pure Cannon fashion they just had to work on 30 more movies simultaneously… Obviously they believed in quantity over quality ’till the very end.

The films itself starts with an Russian cosmonaut singing My Way by Sinatra. Their satellite ends up in a terrible accident but at the last minute Russians are saved by…Superman! And he fluently speaks Russian.After mission well done he returns to his childhood house in Smallville and in the barn where his star-ship is hidden finds a strange piece of green crystal that somehow he didn’t see for the last 30 years!

Then we see Gene Hackman (still stubbornly refusing to go bold for the iconic role, despite bolding more and more in a real life) in incredibly cartonish jail visited and the rescued by his punk cousin Lenny Luthor- Alan from Two and a Half Man! Man, this film is going down fast.

This dude is just too much!

In the meantime Superman (in his Clark identity) has a problem of his own. Daily Planet is bought by idiotic tabloid tycoon Warfield and his even more idiotic daughter Lacy, full on 80es chick (everything from crazy hair, dumb glasses and epaulets that seem made for an American Football player AND not for a woman) is all over him.She even assigns him bunch of Night Life exposes just so she can spend time with him. Lois Lane (Margot Kieder) is of course by this point a complete wreckage of herself so she’s naturally jealous.

Now if everything wasn’t idiotic enough already we have a little asshole of a schoolboy who after discussion with his class of Nuclear Arms race decides to write Superman a letter! Because you know, Superheroes are just like Santa. And then- not only does Superman menage to receive a letter, he is truly touched and seriously considers little brat’s plan. Here we are presented with one of the many new powers characteristic to this movie, super- stupidity! Superman feeling conflicted travels to the Fortress of Solitude and seek advice from the spirits of his Kryptonian ancestors( I don’t remember this detail). Spirits seems old and angry at the world and advice him to split the planet Earth and find the new home.

He doesn’t like this answer so he goes on the date with Lois to ease his mind and then makes he forget everything (and this is not the first time). This just seems a bit too rapey for me. Afterwords he meets a little brat at the meeting of the United Nations (that looks more like someones birthday party than anything else- courtesy of Cannon Inc.), and officially announces that all nuclear weapons will be destroyed by his hand and that they can do nothing about it. People cheer uncontrollably possibly because they fear Superman more than they fear nuclear destruction. He than takes all the missiles, places them in the freakin’ net and throws them into the Sun!

Returning to Metropolis, Luthors steal a strand of Superman’s hair that he for some reason donated to a museum. Also it’s interesting to note that superman’s hair can hold 1000lbs without a problem yet it is easily cut by gardening shears. Lex then create a genetic matrix which he cleverly attaches to an American nuclear missile. So, after the missile is lunched Superman intercepts it and naturally throws it into the sun. Now this is a dumbfounding part, after contact with the Sun genetic matrix develops into a super-human being, completely formed (even with a costume)!!! Not only does he look like a Californian beach idol (not Superman even thou he is his clone), he also talks in the voice of Gene Hackman?

He is also a Nazi!

Lex seems delighted by that but we hear no explanation why is it so. In fact the original script envisioned Reeve playing both parts, Superman and Nuclear Man, Nuclear Man being the evil clone of Supes. That was actually an interesting idea. Unfortunately Cannon decided that it would cost to much, and you know… those 30 other movies take money too! Luthor also establishes that while his creation is powerful, he will deactivate if no sunlight is on him. Why is that so- it’s also left unexplained. Also it is interesting to note that Hackman despite the fact that he’s playing a brilliant, intelligent scientists he still seems unable to pronounce the word NUCLEAR… it comes out sounding nucilar, the same way another famous villain pronounced it.

Remember this one…

Also of note, while Lex is being evil Clark is doing aerobic with Lacy and bunch of other 80es women. I will never look at his the same way after this. And if that wasn’t enough he then ends up on the double date with himself (Superman) Lacy and Lois which became a series of slapstick comedy moments.

Even Superman needs to stay in shape

Finally Lex challenges him and he happily flies away to do something useful (and get away from crazy ladies, and I understand his completely). Luthor offers him drink and then presents him with his newest masterpiece- The Nuclear Man! They immediately start slapping eachother and fall from the balcony in doing so. Then after some wrestling they both remember they are capable to fly and quickly end up in space, where they slap eachother some more.

Superman’s fabulous wall- building power courtesy of Cannon Inc.

Nuclear Man seems incapable of deciding does he want to cause wreckage all over the world or does he want to kill Superman and after lots of pointless flying around he gets Superman just as he was trying to stop the destruction of statue of liberty. Of course he didn’t get him in any cool, over the top, macho way- nope! He got him with his electrical, radioactive fingernails that (seemingly irreversibly) poisoned Superman. Even the 60es Spider Man live action series had better action than this and they practically had no special effect or even practical effects to pull it off.

Daily Planet, now a tabloid newspaper proclaims Supermans demise and in one of the rare effective scenes we see Superman in pain, growing incredibly old and frail.But than he remembers the glowing crystal and uses it’s power to heal himself. Then of course he challenges Nuclear Man again, this time ready for everything he has to offer. You see different than Superman who functions like a solar panel and stores the energy he gets from the Sun Nuclear Man can not function without the light! So he chases him down to the Daily Planet and tricks him into an elevator!!! Then he traps him there and throws him on the dark side of the moon finally negating all his wast powers. He then makes new public announcement where he apologies for his action regarding the weapons race and places Luthor in jail and Lenny in juvenile home and happily flies off.

Verdict: Even a Superman 3 had some redeeming value, namely Reeves’s fantastic portrayal of evil, corrupted Superman. In this one, there is no such thing. This is not only a single worst Superman film ever but it’s quite possobly one of the very worst in a Super-hero genre that’s filled with misses as much as hits. And when you think about it it’s somewhat sad that the ultimate Superman actor Christopher Reeve, still the main personification of Supes ’till this day got a swan song like this but hey as the producer Menahem Golan would say “Now that’s a Cannon movie!”.

This guy has some anger issues!

Trivia: Reeve was beside the story input for this movie (that ended up being minimal) promised that Cannon Inc. would produce any project of his choosing. Reeve accepted, and in exchange, Golan & Globus produced the crime drama Street Smart. A long time gestating personal project for Reeve Street Smart turned out to be a fantastic film and then young Morgan Freeman got an Academy Award and a Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor effectively lounching his long and succesful career. Cannon of the other hand didn’t understand a movie without non- stop action, and did next to nothing to promote it and menaged to despite all the acolades the film recieved make film a finansial desopointment. I think they are some lessons to be learned from the way Golaran and Globus condusted their buisness.

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012)

Posted: 25/07/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies, Asylum, Bill Oberst Jr, Civil War, John Wilkes Booth, Stonewall Jackson, Zombies

I am not quite sure whether this movie is another Asylum’s cheap attempt of cash in on the major blockbuster ( Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter ) or it’s director Richard Schenkman was trying to show us his point of view about how Abraham Lincoln REALLY died. Script is based (mostly) on historical facts, tho subjectively used during filmmaking. But judge by yourself.

The movie starts showing us Lincoln’s childhood, while he was 9 years old. He is chopping wood outside, like many US presidents did while they were young. Suddenly, he hears a gunshot from his house. He runs in and there finds his father commits suicide, but still barely alive ( tho, the wounds are bit confusing). With his last breath, Abe’s father asked his son to do something he couldn’t do by himself. So young Abe takes his scythe, and kills his zombified mother. So, it is wrong to kill your zombified wife, but it is ok to ask your 9 years old son to kill his zombified mother.

Come to mommy, son. She wants to nibble your ear.

Now, fast forward takes us to 1862. year, right in the middle of Civil War battle. Now adult Abe (played by Bill Oberst Jr), is occupied with war strategy. Their attempt to take strategically very important fort has failed miserably. And things gets worse for Union. Rumors about undead soldiers attacking the living are spreading among Abe’s men. To put an end to it, he decides to assemble Secret Service consisted of his best 12 agents (every single of them is alcoholic). So, they set foot behind enemy lines, to Fort Pulaski (another strategically important fort). There, they get trapped and that’s when shits hit the fan. A lot of zombies are attacking them. But, in that moment, Abe shows his remarkably skill with scythe, decapitating one by one zombie. And not with an ordinary scythe. Lincoln, specially for this situation, has made his own folding scythe! Now, that’s a deadly weapon. Anyway, after cleaning the trash, Abe and remaining of his agents, meet with terrified General Stonewall Jackson with fake beard (played by none other than Don McGraw) and handful of his men. Until that moment enemies are becoming allies. Also, African American racistly named Mr Brown ( played by Jason Hughley) seems to be the only one, besides Abe, to know what are zombies exactly. And he is Lincoln’s huge fan.

That’s how Lincoln does that!!!

It seems that in those times every well-equipped fort had a brothel nearby. So, Lincoln and his men bust in (probably to relax a bit after fight vs zombies). But, instead of Abe firing his “bullet” into prostitutes, he gets shot from basement. There they find 3 prostitutes holded up with 12 years old boy named Theodore Roosevelt (played by Canon Kuipers). We learn that one of those prostitutes is Mary Owens (played by Baby Norman) and that she and Abe had a thing while they were younger. Other prostitute is Mary’s daughter Sophia, (played by Hannah Bryan). They all go back and somewhere along the way they encounter more Confederate zombies. Everyone went into wild, killing spree. Even young Teddy Roosevelt, showing his skills with shovel. One of the prostitutes (the third one) gets bitten and Mr Brown shoots her without hesitation from the fort wall. I must not forget Sophia’s contribution to their fight. She is talented for undead killing, just like her father. They manage to come back to the fort and reunite there with Robert Chamberlin (played by Ronald Ogden) and Pat Garrett (played by Christopher Marrone).

Don’t mess up with this girl if you are zombie! Unless you got a money.

Knowing that infest will not be stopped by itself, Abe holds touching speech and announces that they are going to every single zombie they can find. Everyone supported this, except John Wilkinson (played by Jason Vail) who doesn’t approve slaughtering of “innocent” people. In light of that fact, he has been left in the fort to guard captured zombie general and take care of Mary Owens, who is feeling sick. Before his departure, Abe took an opportunity to express his love to sick prostitute on her deathbed.

Their goal: Cleaning the town. It shouldn’t be so hard, keeping in mind that zombies are quite lethargic and that they are sleeping on their watch. Abe and his group passed by, without being noticed by any of undead. There is not really much left over to say about this movie. Lincoln teaches young Teddy how to kill, more of his men got slaughtered, including Garrett and Chamberlin, Sophia stays alive and takes Teddy under her skirt, General Stonewall Jackson blowing himself in the air with a bunch of zombies by shooting in keg of powder… The final battle, where they are defending fort against army of zombies looks more like Steven Seagal’s “Under the siege” movie, but not that much bad.

Hi Ho Silver Away!

But, that is not the end. 3 years after the battle against the unliving was over, we notice Abe is hiding something. He comes to isolated barn more often. What is he keeping inside? Oh you already guessed well. He keeps there Marry Owens, still infected by zombification disease, feeding her with his own blood. At least until Dr. Malinoff (played by director Richard Schenkman ) finds the cure. Eventually, she attacks and wounds Abe and he is forced to blow her brain. Now, the grand finale! Lincolns gives a letter to Dr. Malinoff with order to deliver it as soon as possible. Receiver of this letter is none other than John Wilkes Booth. In that letter, Abe Lincoln orders his own assassination from Booth. So that is what really happened!!! History books are gonna be rewritten after this movie.

Wherever are zombies, sick prostitutes and bastards, I will be there! For I am Lincoln!

Conclusion: Clearly, someone (and we know who) has took a few looks into Abraham Lincoln’s biography, watched few episodes of Walking Dead and then decided to make this movie. It is full of historically inaccurate facts (one of them is that Stonewall Jackson had died before set up of this movie but he still gets his role here). Effects are mostly CGI and that’s the shame, since it would be so nicer if they had actually use fake blood. Zombies are static, passive and lethargic. There is a big number of zombies here, but their only purpose is to keep Abe and the rest of the company in constant danger. But, besides fun and laugh, the reason why I recommend watching this movie is absolutely outstanding performance by Bill Oberst Jr, who brilliantly has managed to deliver us Lincoln’s patience, noble, soft speech. He is doing fantastic job and no wonder we will see him in a lot of movies in 2014.

Sharknado (2013)

Posted: 23/07/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: Beverly Hills 90210, Ian Zeiring, Killer Sharks, Shark Repellent Spray, Sharknado, Sharks, SyFy, Tara Reid, The Asylum

Sharknado poster with appropriate Twitter quotes. Thumbs up for Will Wheaton!

The film starts with a dubious transaction between the captain called Santiago and an obviously a Yakuza enforcer. After proclaiming that sharks should be afraid of men and not vice versa the ship gets shaken by a storm. Captain insists of keeping the course and going through the storm and then something amazing happens. Sharks start jumping aboard and start literally eating people in one bite!!! The Captain survives a bit longer, as sharks decide to prolong his agony by eating him bit by bit while FLYING around him- now that’s the spirit!

Next thing you know the screen goes red and… Baywatch intro starts! Ok, not exactly Baywatch (as it has way less in the hot babes department) but still extremely close. And, ok- no Mitch Buchannon here but we have Ian Ziering- the blond, curly dude from Beverly Hills 90210! Here he is a middle aged ,experienced surfer, also a owner of a small bar by the beach. Also he’s desperately trying to get into pans of certain Asian surfer chick, probably to prove he’s still “in prime of his life”. Unfortunately we didn’t get to find out how game he is because Asian chick gets brutally murdered by a shark appearing out of nowhere. Then the shark goes on the rampage and gets as fare as it can go, killing unsuspecting people even in the shallow waters.

All that commotion doesn’t seem to present any problem for the old alcoholic George who grabs the butt of the skimpy dressed waitress. She lashes out on him, pouring a drink on his head but just a moment later changes her tune and gets him another drink. He must tip well or something. Next thing you know the storm blows away the window of the bar and you guessed it blows some sharks in. Brave waitress kills a shark with a pool stick, arms herself with a shotgun (that they keep behind the counter) and joins the owner Fin, hes New Zeland friend and the old pervert George. George even brings his bar stool with him presumably because that’s the most precious thing in his life. They kill couple of sharks in the imaginative ways including blowing up the shark that’s holding a gas tank in it’s teeth and then they get in the car and head out to Fin’s ex- wife. Waitress Nova seems extremely disappointed that he has an ex- wife.

They try to take the high road and head towards the Beverlie Hills (nice touch) but even the streets are infested with sharks! They get to his ex’s house but the tragically loose George in the way. He was of course swallowed by a giant wave… and then swallowed by a giant shark. Not the best way to go you’ll agree. Fin opens the door and then we see he’s ex, none other than washed up whore Tara Reid! I can’t believe he actually came back for this!!! Not only is she upleasent and irritating her new douchy boyfriend joins in on the fun too. Thankfully he gets mauled by a shark mere moments later.

Our motley crew then menages to eliminate the dangerous beast with a help of a large cabinet (used to pin shark down) and one trusty shotgun! After water goes all ruby red New Zealanders merrily proclaims “Looks like it’s that time of the month”.*

Finally convinced Fin’s ex and his spoiled teenage daughter join them in trying to get the fuck away from the ocean as they can.They bump into a school-bus stuck in the water and Fin decides to put on his best Bruce Willis face and saves the day. They surprisingly menage to do just that but storm starts again and a bus driver experienced the unfortunate fate of roof falling on top of him. At least he wasn’t eaten alive, right? They get back on their way but soon they figure out that the car is leaking and they menage to just barely escape as it explodes! Desperate they go into the local stores for some supplies but New Zealander finds a badass armored Jeep that the storm brought and soon they are back on track. Despite police blocks almost everywhere the somehow find the way to Van Nuys Airport and there they finds Fin’s overly enthusiastic son- the pilot and some of his friends. They arm up with cool things like C4 explosive and chainsaws and decide to strike back against the enemies- tornado and sharks by blowing tornado up!!! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC! THEY ARE GOING TO ACTUALLY BLOW UP THE TORNADO! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? Also we find out the waitresses origin story- her family was killed by sharks! This just gets better and better!

Now that’s a parenting!

Then they go out and heroically face the tornado. Kiwi rigged the bomb in jeep just in case and the waitress joins Fin’s son Matt in the helicopter. They slowly approach the first tornado and drop the bomb into it! Bellow Fin is putting sharks down with his guns like he wants to claim a prize. New Zealander unfortunately dies, and one of other kids too- pretty epically I might add, first he looses his arm via one shark and then gets squished to death by another.

Death from above!

After blowing up the of tornadoes they fail and waitress gets eaten alive!!! Son barely menages to get to the ground in one piece.. Now it’s all up to Fin! He drives jeep straight into the tornado and even menages to jump out of the car before the explosion.Then as if that wasn’t enough he start destroying the sharks and literally jumps into the mouth of one with a chainsaw just to butcher it from the inside and come out with the prize- Nova the waitress, still breathing! Fin then naturally reconciles with his ex wife and they enjoy the beautiful sunset with ground filled with dead sharks as fare as eye can see.

Verdict: It is our firm belief that The Asylum decided to ignore the very founding stone of their existence and that they actual spent more than a million dollars filming this, and shows- it really does! Script writer Thunder Levin knows he is working with a completely ridiculous premiss but he actually takes time to establish all of the main players and even offers a somewhat reasonable (if extremely far fetched) explanation for this peculiar disaster and constructs some over the top fin scenes that will definitely not leave you indifferent . Anyway without any trace of doubt I can proclaim this is the best Asylum movie and the very best original SyFy Channel product, that doesn’t really means much but still it’s an achievement.

Next time, be prepared!

Sherlock Holmes vs The Monsters (2010)

Posted: 11/07/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: Asylum, Ben Syder, Dominic Keating, Elizabeth Arends, Gareth David-Lloyd, Paul Bales, Rachel Goldenberg, Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, William Huw

In this Asylum’s rip-off of Sherlock Holmes, Jurassic Park and Ironman, Sherlock Holmes is actually trying to solve the mystery of Jack the Ripper. And he did it. It is dinosaur! Confused? Me too. But let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

The first thing that caught my eye is amateurish shaking cam (and believe me, that is one of rare things that can instantly piss me off). It looks like BBC documentary, with much less of a budget of course. In the opening scene, we see aged Dr Watson watching London in flames from his window. That made him remember when he saw such scene for the first time, so he calls his young nursemaid and decides to tell her about that story, which she is gonna record. Attention everyone! Old man is talking!

Kraken on a theater stage.

His story begins in 1882. , on English Channel. Scene is supposed to represent large ship and sea, but thanks to “vision” of director Rachel Goldenberg it is just an ordinary theater stage with fail green screen and blue nylon for a water effect. There is a panic aboard. Pirates? No, guess again. It is some sort of big, black sea monster, that I believe it is meant to be Kraken. And that’s it. I wonder if Holmes is gonna solve the mystery of Kraken? Anyway, scene shifts and now we are in autopsy room where Dr Watson (played by Gareth David-Lloyd) is doing his thing. We notice that he is over 6 feet tall and looks like a butcher. Now Holmes (played by Ben Syder) enters the room. Something is strange about him. His hat? No. I know! He is rather short, despite the fact that Arthur Conan Doyle describes him as “rather over 6 feet tall”. But wait, there is more! He should be calm and focused, right? Maybe, but not in a book Goldenberg had read (perhaps Asylum have their own book version of Holmes; I’ll check it up later). Here, Holmes rushes around and talks like cockney male prostitute. After a short looking at corpse, he gives gay and incoherent deduction about cause of death. Still, it seems to be enough for Watson, so they depart together in order to visit the sole survivor from the boat and meet there with Inspector Lestrade (played by William Huw).

There are at least 2 things wrong with this picture…

After hearing sailor’s heartbreaking story about what had happened on the sea, Holmes comes to deduction that lost cargo is nothing but a royal gold, which was on it’s way to Her Majesty treasury. I suppose that legends about sea monsters having a gold in their stomach aren’t so false, aren’t they? Interesting thing is that Holmes is only one to believe sailor’s story, while Watson and Lestrade didn’t miss any opportunity to express their mistrust and opinions about sanity of the poor sob. And all of that despite the fact that he is the only eyewitness!!! Poor sailor should feel lucky that he didn’t end up in mental institution! Or he would be, at least, if he hadn’t died right after telling his story. And Watson is still yelling at him! Anyway, all three of them are off to the cliffs near Channel border in order to try to reach a shipwreck. Watson almost died while attempting to get down using a rope, in a scene for which purpose I fail to see.

One of rare superior acting performances in this movie…

Next scenes takes us to Whitechapel brothel. when we can see underage guy “hiring” old, seasoned, washed up prostitute, probably hoping that she is gonna deflower him. Everything is done in complete discretion (they even got code names – John and Miss Pinchcock). So they go to dark alley in order to conclude the contract. But moment before kid got consuming his merchandise, dinosaur shows up from nowhere and eats him, leaving prostitute in relatively good condition (apart of her age).

No money return!

Ok, now to famous Baker Street. Holmes and Watson, still a bit shaken after events on the cliff, are having a breakfast. They also have had a debate about recent events, when their look gazed upon newspaper headlines about Whitechapel murder. Holmes decides to investigate it, and both of them find themselves in the surprisingly empty central park for that time of day. There they find dinosaur footprints… While they are still confused ( I guess not many dinosaurs lives in London), the real dino manifests in front of them. Using his powers of deduction, Holmes decides that is best for them to flee. Surely, it is decision worthy of the world’s greatest detective.

-Is it a bird? A plane? -No, Watson. It is a hole in the ground.

Watson meets young and strangely ugly lady, named Anesidora Ivory (played by Elizabeth Arends). Actually, she approached him while he was at his surgery, asking for a morphium for her uncle who is apparently in constant pains. Watson, obviously charmed by young but ugly lady, complies to her will and wastes no time in taking the opportunity to schedule a date with her in Opera. And all that in presence of her sick uncle (played by Dominic Keating), who is sitting in wheelchairs next to them! Obviously, working with gay Holmes has made Watson a bit desperate. But, this date isn’t meant to be. Holmes reaches Watson by telephone (10 years before real telephone device was used for the first time), and demands to meet him at Whitechapel pump house. There, he found a clue which proves that dinosaur and Kraken are actually human-made. And what’s the clue? An ordinary scrap of rubber. Surely, it couldn’t have fell off of someone’s boot. Must be the mechanical monster.

Push your uncle somewhere aside, where he can’t bother us, and then lets get busy!

Inspector Lestrade joins Holmes and Watson, and they all together start investigation in London’s industrial district. First they visit a copper warehouse, followed by visit to rubber factory. There they got attacked by dinosaur, who immolated the proprietor of the factory. After getting his life saved by Watson, Holmes finds something in the proprietor’s pocket. It is a rock (yeah, people tend to carry rocks in their pockets all the time), which is, as Holmes had later explained, common for area around Hellsmouth, the very place where Holmes had spent his childhood. So, that’s their next destination. Next morning, wishing to thank Watson for saving his life, Holmes said incredibly gay line: “You did very good job…last night.”

Good dino, you wouldn’t scorch old Sherlock Holmes, would you?

After arriving to Hellsmouth, Holmes takes Watson and Lestrade across the walls into some abandoned castle. There, in one of huge chambers, they find static mechanical dino, tentacles of Kraken, and, in the center of the room, steam-punk version of Ironman suit (that looks more like The Tin Man from Wizard of Oz), which clumsy, oversized Watson manages to activate by accident. Suits sends Watson to bite the dust with only one blow and then attacks Holmes. After quite hilarious fighting scene the suits decides to show it’s true face. It is the face of morphine-addicted uncle, to be more exact. And his niece Anesidora is also there. What a twist.

Now, the story begins to unwrap. Uncle explains that he controls robots with his brain and with help of “neuro-regeneration” . As you may already have guessed, he needed the gold from shipwreck in order to fund his projects (and some rubber too). But wait, it’s not that simple. Why he is doing that? Who is he anyway? I’ll tell you. Hold your breath now. The Uncle is no one else but Thorpe Holmes, Sherlock’s (or Robert’s as it has been revealed as a Sherlock’s real name in this scene) brother, who once was a great detective. He became paralyzed after his former partner shot him in the back. And who is his former partner. None other than Inspector Lestrade. Thorpe has become evil and cynical, due to clumsiness of incompetent inspector. His goal: To blow up the Buckingham Palace in the air. But wait, there is more to it! Anesidora is also mechanical and she is programmed to explode after entering the Buckingham Palace. After revealing his plans, Thorpe arms and sends mechanical woman into the train, having her previously to shoot Holmes (apparently killing him), puts Watson into some sort of death-machine, and then eventually takes the control of the giant mechanical dragon. But, it isn’t everything lost. Sherlock has been saved from the shooting by tobacco tin in his pocket (yet another “original” idea). He saves Dr Watson, and sends him to stop Anesidora, while he manages hot air balloon with helicopter propeller upgrade which he had found nearby. Meanwhile, Anesidora is already near the Buckingham Palace, shooting down 12 years old guards. Watson arrives just in time to stop her, while Sherlock (Robert) and Thorpe are fighting in the air. Of course, after some desperate fight, our heroes win, Lestrade takes the credits for stopping evil Thorpe, old Watson finishes his story and dies afterwards.

Steam-punk air fight.

Conclusion: I don’t know where to begin describing what is wrong here. Amateurish camera, casting that couldn’t possibly be worse, awful acting, incoherent script and dialogues and illogical story with as many holes as this movie’s budget…. Also, bad characterisation of book characters, both physical and mental. Here, Watson is clearly the stronger person than Holmes. Relation and mutual respect between two of them have been completely left out. It is like they secretly resent each other and both are competitive minded. It seems that no one from Asylum had bothered to read a book about adventures of Sherlock Holmes. Also, there is often a presence of constant drama build-up with zero payoff (like in the scene when Watson climbs down the cliff on the rope and then nothing happens). But, despite the all above mentioned errors, this is the best goddamn screen adaptation of Sherlock Holmes I have ever watched!!!

Transmorphers (2007)

Posted: 08/07/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: Cyborgs, Leign Scott, Matrix, SF, Shaley Scott, Terminator, The Asylum, Transformers

Warning: The robots in this movie look nothing like the one on the cover!

First thing we notice as the movie starts is that the director is Leign Scott (I presume he is the Asylum version of Ridley Scott although as we will soon find out his shooting style is much more reminiscent of Edward J Wood.)

Do you really wish to continue after this intro?

Intro informs us of evil alien machines in plot that seems to borrow heavily from (surprisingly) Terminator and Matrix with a hint of the expected source of inspiration-
Michael Bay’s Transformers. Decimated humanity escapes underground and stays there for 300 (or 400, it constantly changes) years!!! It will be interesting to see how we evolved and muted in those conditions. And then I get my answer- humanity now consists of 70% woman population, all clad in heavy leather and fetish wear. They look like a deranged bunch of sex predators. On the other hand man look like a bunch of pathetic nerds, but they still do manly jobs as we see as they lead the troops to the surface to deal with a approaching treat. Team lead by Captain Blackthorn survives a complete disaster pretty much as we expected and never makes it back. One of the soldiers dies seemingly from bad techno music, ’cause we don’t see anything else around.

So, military officers decide to make a final, desperate gamble… they release The MITCHELL from his cryogenic prison. Now what’s the deal with the Mitchell dude, I guess we will find out. They unfreeze the dude and he ends up being just some random scrawny looking fellow with a would be British accent.

Who needs John Connor when you’ve got… THIS dude!

He insists on bringing his bearded friend from prison too and soon they are assigned with a dangerous mission.Oh, yeah we also find out that love of his life Kadira decided to start playing for the other team and married Lady- General Van Ryberg. Guess the lack of real man down there had taken its toll. After some pathetic demonstration of hand to hand combat debriefing starts… and then it seemingly lasts forever. The only thing that breaks the horrible monotony is the ridiculous chick-fight that ensues between pilots who supports Mithcell, lead by Xandria Lux and sluts who likes chilling in a cave and not doing anything (pilots who dislike the sky, well, that’s first). At this point I start to wander are these women real actresses or somebody just sold us a porno without sex scenes, ’cause it looks mightily like just that.

I truly don’t know what’s worst here, “acting” of “fights”

Somewhere around the 40th minute of the film we finally see the surface again, and that makes it better- but only slightly ’cause we are served with some pretty lame CGI straight from a get go and the acting looks incredibly like a bunch of 5 year olds playing war (with some keyboard sound effects added as a bonus). After being overwhelmed one of the soldiers throws laser frisby and starts completely wrecking things. The most laughs erupt at the sight of the giant mecha styled robot who has transform itself into a cannon so he can fire at human forces. The idea is nonsensical but the design work and animation are not that much better thou. Then Mitchell runs into the remaining members of the first team from the beginning of the movie, still lead by chubby blonde dude and they decide to join forces. They hold their line against the giant robots as long as they can and eventually menage to retreat.

Faced with imminent defeat Mitchell calls for another attack but gets into fight (of words) with a General Van Ryberg because he left her “wife” on the surface. Interesting how they just keep insisting on that marriage but that same wife seems ready and willing to hop back into Mitchell’s bed any moment. In the meantime the scientist, Dr. Alextzavich uncovers the terrible truth- the alien robots are in fact – THE ALIENS!!!

Just like a Kinder Surprise!

Special breed that he calls Transmorphers (for no reason- they don’t transform or morph) are in fact meat on the inside aka some sort of cybernetic organism. The fact that they haven’t figured it out in 400 years shows that humanity is ovbiasly useless and doomed from the start. Also, another thing- this fact doesn’t really change anything ’cause there’s really no difference in fighting a mostly robot cyborg and regular robot per se. Also, one more revelation occurs, Mitchell is also a robot!!!! He is the first android made by the good Dock in hope of saving humanity-and he never had a clue! Not even when he found out cryo- sleep doesn’t work on him? Maybe a fact that he never had to eat? No? Somebody here has no knowledge of a dramatic structure, and severely lacks common sense, don’t you agree?

Mitchell incredibly quickly reconciles with his true nature and instead of deciding that he was used and he needs to kill some humans and then joins his true brothers (that would truly be a twist) he decides to sacrifice his main power cell (battery, whatever) and in doing so sacrifice himself in one final attempt do defeat machines. Another childish battle ensues with the addition of poorly animated aeroplanes this time. In fact the aerial battle looks incredibly like arcade video games from the early 90s. Mithchell with Kadira, Doctor and his Android (lover?) flying on hower- bikes find a way into the Machine’s main tower (that is incredibly easy to locate). He then procides to kill some of the robo- guards and use his power cell to disrupt their main tower and in … turn off the machines. Of course we also had a touching scene between a Karina Nadir and himself in which they professed their eternal love to each other but that didn’t stop her from returning to her superior officer and lesbian lover mere moments later. Then we finally see sky clearing (like in Lion King or something like that) and we have our victory. Than we are presented with the criminally weak CGI attempt of fireworks and an ugly blond with her mouth wide open staring at the sky and then thankfully it is all over!* This was really a test, I tell you.

Damn, she’s ugly!

Verdict: the ultimate battle between a man and a machine ends up being anything but ultimate and by the end of the movie you’ll just pray that somebody destroys both humans and machines ASAP so we can all get on with our lives and never speak of this movie again.

Age of the Hobbits aka Clash of the Empire aka Age of the Elves (2012)

Posted: 24/06/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: Age of the Hobbits, Asylum, Bai Ling, Cambodia, Christopher Judge, Dragons, Giant Iguanas, Indonesia, Tolkien

Age of the Hobbits is the closest I’ll ever get to Tolkien, since I refuse to read him and watch movie adaptations of his novels due to fact me being constantly harassed and annoyed by “Lord of the Rings” freaks. I know this movie isn’t related to Tolkien’s “Hobbit” (as good people from Asylum claimed on poster; they got sued by Warner Bros), but for me, it’ll serve its purpose. Especially since I am even less related to “Hobbit’ than Asylum folks.

Real?

Story of this movie takes the place in Flores Island, Indonesia 12000 years ago, but it is filmed in Cambodia 12000 years ago. We see several hobbits in woods chitchatting and picking fruits. They call themselves Tree People. Hobbits are played by Cambodian midgets who had been later synchronized in postproduction. Anyway, they were still chitchatting when they got attacked by Rockmen tribe. Rockmen are cave-man looking brain damaged savages with vampire teeth (?), and some of them are riding the dragons (though it is not explained how did they managed to tame them). Despite the fact that they look like giant iguanas (which is also tribe’s ground unit), dragons look pretty decent, especially when we keep in mind Asylum’s average low budget (still higher than Albert Pyun’s though) and their general slacking when it comes to realness of movie characters. This is the case probably due to fact that Asylum folks had exploited poor Cambodian midgets (with blessing of King of Cambodia), paying them almost nothing, so they can have extra budget for special effects. Now back
to attack. They kill some midgets and capture some other midgets using nets and dragons. But young Goben (played by Sum Korng) had managed to escape and warn the village. Still, there isn’t enough time for village evacuation, so Rockmen killed and captured even more midgets, including Goben’s mother Suta (played by Tom Eurt). But she left a trail by dropping magic medicine stones so Goben and his father Tak Tek (played by Srogn) could find her. Interesting fact is that midgets are still casual chitchatting in air while they are being held by dragon’s claws.

I saw a dragon today!

In desperation Tak Tek, Goben and his sister Omi (played by Khom Lyly) decided to seek out the help of nearby giants tribe. Somewhere along the way they stumble upon giant hunters who were fighting against some sort of giant rhino. Of course, giants are plain humans. Master hunter Amthar (played by Christopher Judge; best known for his role in Stargate ) got seriously wounded and it seemed that he will drop the spoon, but Tak Tek saved his life by using a magic medical stone. So, in order to repay his debt, Amthar agrees to help them to reach the mountain where Rockmen tribe resides. In order to do so, they need to ask for permission to pass from human tribe chief. But Chief Korm (played by Antonis Greco), who is retarded version of Genghis Khan, wouldn’t let them pass. He doesn’t want to brake the peace with Rockmen tribe. Still, after short negotiations he agrees to let them pass in exchange for midget’s device for throwing spear (it looks like an ordinary stick with hole to me). But Korm,in his fear of Rockmen tribe, breaks his promise and binds Tak Tek, Goben and Omi, leaving them for Rockmen to find them in
the morning. Honorable as he is, Amthar sets midgets free the following night, thus betraying his tribe. Besides Amthar, who is still in debt to Tak Tek, anorexic young woman warrior Laylan (played by Bai Ling) also joins their cause.

Long lost son of Genghis Khan.

Thanks to Amthar’s “wise” leadership, they got trapped and attacked by giant spider. Spider sprayed gallons and gallons of acid into Laylan’s face, but it doesn’t seem that it has any effect stronger than blinding her for a couple of seconds. After some pretty lame fight Amthar manages to kill the giant spider by impaling it onto his spear with one of more ridiculous combat moves in this movie. But, it’s not the end. No, because that even more gigantic spider emerges from very tiny hole in ground. But it doesn’t want to fight. It just took less gigantic dead spider and pulled it under the ground. Seeing all this Tak Tek just says “Amthar, let me lead”, in pathetic attempt of comic relief.

We find out that Rockmen will sacrifice midgets to their queen in midnight. Witch Queen (played by Rachana) sounds like demented version of Rita from Power Rangers. Always hysterically yelling and bossing around. But her orders are always carried (for some reason), and preparations for midnight sacrifice are already in progress. Our heroes are running out of time and there are too many obstacles. Obstacles like two giant lizards for example. But Amthar and his mighty spear solved this problem too. Almost same scene of impaling as it was with spider. But this time, Amthar got bitten. Omi cures him, by removing a huge fang from his arm.

She really needs a king!

Meanwhile, while searching for plants needed for making tea that will help Amthar to recover faster, Laylan got ambushed by several Rockmen warriors. But she showed us that see possess proficiency with wooden spears too, killing one by one, in more and more ridiculous ways. No matter what people from Asylum would claim, driving a spear 10 inches away of your head can’t kill you. Can’t even scratch you. Look below for more info.

Proper spear handling.

Evening is falling and midnight is getting closer. Brave group had entered the Rockmen Tribe hideout. Tak Tek gets captured and prepared for sacrificing. He lies in the middle of cave, surrounded by Rockmen warriors. Only seconds splits him away of death. Witch Queen is getting closer preparing to strike final blow. But, in the last moment Amthat hits her with spear from a distance right in her eye. Tak Tek escapes outside where he rejoins the rest of the group. All Rockmen warriors are there too, with giant lizards and dragons. Amthar and the company are overwhelmed. But in that moment, retarded Korm arrives with warriors. He decided to do honorable thing. Eventually. It turned out that it was not smart move for him since he is slaughtered couple of moments later. Bloody battle emerges between Rockmen and human tribes. We see more Laylan’s spear handling. At the end, only our brave group was standing atop of bunch of corpses. Goben’s family is saved and Amthar becomes new Genghis Khan. Everyone is happy and ending credits pops up.

She used to be insane but then she took a spear into the eye.

Conclusion: I really can’t criticize acting skills of midgets since their voices are sybchronised and I can’t hear their acting. Speaking of which, synchronization in this movie is as equally bad as New Zealand’s synchronization of Hong Kong kung-fu movies from ’70s. Bai Ling (who is supposed to be the star of this movie) is gloriously over-the-top in her performance. Christopher Judge is the only one who took his role seriously and who was putting an effort into acting (I guess no one told him that this is not a real movie). Ending credits theme is for some reason singed in Serbian language. And I honestly hope that Asylum paid some money to midgets, thus helping a bit their economy. If not, they should be hanged for shameful exploitation. And for film-making too.

Legal Note: No dragons were harmed in the production of this screenplay.

The king is not pleased!

Almighty Thor (2011)

Posted: 17/06/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: Asylum, Kevin Nash, Loki, Norse Mythology, Odin, Patricia Velasquez, Richard Grieco, Thor

We already knew that this movie is extremely rushed low budget piece courtesy of Asylum but they still managed to surprise us. Movie starts with Loki chanting some supposedly evil things a laughing. Coincidentally Loki is played by none other than Richard Grieco, once upon a time a Teen Idol, now definitely not a teen, and idol even less than that. He magically transports to Valhalla much to detriment of Odin’s soldiers who tries to stop him. They fail. In the meantime Odin (very cave- man looking wrestler Kevin Nash)and he’s two sons, tough Baldir and imbecilic Thor climb a sacred mountain to consult “The Weavers of Fate”. Weavers don’t seem to like him as they suggest he gives the Hammer of Invincibility to Loki and give up even before the battle has started. They predict the imminent destruction of all realms including Asgard, Earth and… the other realms (hmmm… someone was to bored to look it up in Wikipedia it seems). Odin is angry but Thor seeing the prophets of doom declares “I don’t believe in faith” with extremely dumb look on his face and then they all leave.

Don’t know about acting but Kevin Nash’s Odin would kicks Anthony Hopkins ass 3 ways till Sunday!

Loki is working hard on conquering Asgard, that’s rather small, consisting of a forest a small castle surround by a trench filled with water. He doesn’t seem to have any kind of army so he sends his giant coyote/ dinosaurs hybrids that he calls Gamrs for some reason to wreck havoc and find him the fabled Hammer. Odin and sons get into a fight with Gamrs and Thor almost dies. Odins enters the duel with Loki and destroys his skinny ass but Loki succeeds in tricking him into stabbing his own son (don’t worry, it’s Berendal not Thor) and then finishes him. Of course the old man still had enough reason in him to teleport the hammer and spoil the devious one’s plans.

Thor wakes up just in time to witness a complete tragedy of his family. Odin sends him to get the Hammer with his dying breath. After declaring revenge his father tells him (in the kindest way possible) that he is an idiot and that he should use his head for once in his life. Thor fails to do even that. He faces Loki and gets beaten into pulp. Of course because of inability of two actors and non- existence of choreographer fight is filmed in combination of time lapses and slow motion scenes.Not even that can mask the stupidity of their confrontation (and this whole movies is based around scenes of their confrontations). Just when it looks like “our” hero is ready to join his family in Valhalla kinda old Latino chick saves him by hitting Loki with a big stick. Not being immune to such primitive weapon Loki is left stunned and a lovely couple runs away to safety. Loki sends his Dino-Coyotes after them but they are already gone…

Loki, the god of awkward facial expressions!

Latino lady that seems completely out of place here presents herself as Jarnsaxa (hmmm… don’t remember that one from those Myths & Legends book I loved as a kid) and states that she is a servant of Odin. Where was she when he master was brutally killed seems irrelevant. Thor insists of getting after Loki again despite getting a beating of his life just minutes ago. Jarnasaxa then beats him with a stick and he finally shuts up (it took him long enough). They use a magical portal to transport to a “Sacred Place” that suspiciously looks like the other end of the same forest. After two minutes there Ja’x proclaims that his training is done (shall we see some bonus scenes of 80es training montage in a special edition DVD in the future?) Anyway, Loki finds them easily and they transport again… this time IN OUR WORLD!

Two or them are in L.A. and Thor is momentarily presented with an opportunity to beat up someone. Stereotypical black gang member is trying to steal some money from a lady and he almost kills him enthusiastic with the fact that there’s someone weaker than his in this world. Jarnsaxa presents Thor with her secret stash of weapons in Earth Realm and Thor goes head over heals over an Uzi gun. Seeing the destructive power of the said gun he proclaims he’s love for all humans! What a strange course of events.

Then they found a way to teleport themselves further, to the mystical Tree of Life, and this is the point where things get extremely confusing. Jax’ promises Thor to go with him every step of the way but then leaves him alone at the first corner. Tree ends up being guarded by a cyborg looking knight and is for some reason on a junkyard!!! Didn’t they leave the Eart realm like 5 minutes ago? Then being victorious (two in a row, personal record) he speaks with a tree of life, which answers in his fathers voice. He claims the Hammer and promises to save the world from destruction. Now here’s the biggest problem here, Loki needs the Hammer to end all worlds and he can’t reach it the way things are… Not knowing how to find the Tree of Life (if he can even guess that’s the place Odin placed the Hammer) all the realms are completely safe. It’s Thor who by removing the Hammer gives Loki opportunity to trick him (and that’s kinda what he does for a living), claim the Hammer and destroy the world. So if Ragnarok does come, it will be all on Thor, that imbecilic self- obsessed brat not able to thing straight JUST ONCE for a life of him!

Hammer, the cause and the solution to all life problems!

Now Ja’x pleads him to continue his training, and face Loki when he gathers an army (not that bad of an idea) but he insists to face him now, ALONE. Loki easily blinds him some powder and almost takes a Hammer but Jax’ appears out of nowhere (again) and cut offs his arm. Then they run away (again) and Thor (I kid you not) cries like a little baby. Also I’m fascinated by the fact that all of these fights happen in some back alleys and in front of the car repairs and things like that. I think if they tried to film in a populated area they would all be arrested for the lack of permits. Anyway after being almost hypnotized by Loki’s magic he decides to fight him again! This dude is an imbecile… and a loser too. I mean you have to figure out you’re not very good at this at this point. Then surprisingly he supposedly kills Locky and takes his magic staff with him. After they enter the magically protected sanctuary Locki appears from his stick and Thor gasps in horror. Jarnsaxa saves him for like a millionth time and they escape. Next with have two of them walking the empty streets… and Loki doing the same. When I think about it almost half of this movie consists of people walking empty back streets.

You can always notice the extremely evil person because evil people walk a lot…If you live by the Uzi you will die by the Uzi!

They fail to use the gateway and Loki and Thor face of in the most ridiculous scene here, I’m not gonna spoil it for you but it has an Uzi in it. Thor eventually escapes and in one of the most ridiculous scenes in this ridiculous movie treats the bullet wound with a magic potion.

If you live by the Uzi you will die by the Uzi!

He eventually comes back for Ja’x but ends up tricked AGAIN and captured, crucified on top of a building. Loki start tearing up the city using his dinosaurs and all 10 people who seem to live there run in panic. Thor scream like a little girl as he throws him in the realm of dead (or the poor green screen realm as we like to call it). Earth musters little bit of defense but Loki shoots down those helicopters constantly yelling “Ragnarok” like an anime battle cry or something.

Yeah, something like that!

Then he finally reaches The Tree of Life, defeats the cyborg knight (who’s still there for some reason) and the End of the World starts- only it looks surprisingly like a ton of archive footage speeded up and played in reverse. Thor forges a new better Hammer (made of metal!) and escapes the realm of Hel and then we have another duel at hand. This time, seeing that the movie is (thankfully) ending Thor is victorious and menages to destroy the old Hammer (remember the lesson here kids, metal is better than stone if you want to hurt someone). To complete the circle he than visits the “The Weavers of Fate” and destroys all their work to prove the point that our destiny is our own. What an inspiration!

Verdict: If this was a non- profit fan film it would be considered an extremely bad one. Considering the fact that you are actually expected to pay for this garbage I believe this should be labeled not as a film but as a crime against humanity, ’cause it really is just that.

Cody Deal! What an actor!

Avenging Force (1986)

Posted: 10/06/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: (Chuck Norris), (Michael Dudikoff), Avenging Force, Invasion USA, John P. Ryan, Pentangle, Racism, Steve James

Martial arts expert (or at least they say so) Michael Dudikoff is having a role of his career in this movie. He plays no one else but Chuck Norris, aka Matt Hunter. Sounds familiar? This movie is a sequel to legendary Invasion USA, where almighty Chuck Norris had defeated evil Soviets. But this part is completely different (and worse) than the first one, and with controversial background story. Or at least Cannon folks and director Sam Firstenberg ( American Ninja and American Ninja 2: The Confrontation) tried to look controversial.

It must have been bad year.

The movie starts in a jungle. Two men are running in fear. They are pursued by wannabe ninja, sadomaso commando, and a costume ball rejects. First one gets impaled by some kind of sadomaso commando’s spear (not that spear you have in mind). The second one gets strangled by one of costume ball rejects after entering a river, which caused ecstasy of perversion on the murderer’s face. Remember this starting scene, since it is important for story.

S&M Commando – New elite unit!

Matt Hunter is former military intelligence agent who had resigned that job in order to take care of his sister. Despite the fact that it had passed only one year since the first part, he now looks younger and totally different. Also, he settled down on small ranch, where we see him for the first time in this movie. He takes care of his much younger sister Sarah (played by Allison Gereighty), after their parents death. Their grandfather is there too, who from time to time, makes a remarks about physical appearance of his granddaughter. Rather sick old bastard, don’t you agree? While there, Matt and Sarah got an invite from their family friend Larry Richards (Steve James; also played in wretched American Ninja) to pay a visit him in New Orleans. Also, Larry is running for the Senate and he needs Matt’s help with something. So, brother, sister and oldman had decided to hit the road. First thing our hero did after arriving at Richards family was kissing Larry’s wife Daisy (played by Sylvia Joseph) in front of everyone. But Larry didn’t seem to mind. Matt later learns that Larry is on the hit list of so called “Pentangle” group (group’s name is the result of fail definition of pentagram), which is consisted of powerful rich white people. Apparently, they don’t approve idea of Larry being a black man who is running for the Senate. So, Matt Hunter agrees to protect Larry and his family. Oh great, they should feel safe, now when the mighty white Dudikoff-man is protecting them.

Paying price for protection.

But during Mardi Gras parade, Pentangle agents attacks Larry and his family. Larry’s youngest son is killed. Of course, Matt Hunter wouldn’t arrive in time to stop bloodshed, since he was too busy partying. Tho, he did manage to shoot one of the agents into nipples while that one was trying to escape on motorcycle. But, that doesn’t remove taste of failure, so Matt decides to move the rest of Richards family into a safe house. Meanwhile, at “America for Americans” Kendo exhibition (where Kendo is represented as the most American of all American’s sports – I wonder what Japanese would have to say about this) Prof. Elliott Glastenbury (played by John P. Ryan), founder of Pentangle group, is holding a racist anti-mexican speech, in which he calls upon all of his followers to take weapons in hands and clean the USA of illegal immigrants. His speech is followed by cheers of approval and state of ecstasy on faces of his followers.

This is the effect that inspirational racist speech should have on it’s listeners.

Matt asks his former boss to get him some info about Pentangle group. It turns out that they are powerful racist paramilitary group, whose favorite hobby is hunting people and they don’t want black man to be elected to Senate. After departing with Larry at hospital, Matt finds Ku Klux Klan style note written on Richards’ residence. He doesn’t seem to be much aggravated by this vandalism attempt.

It has been written black on white!

Next morning, Larry receives a call from so called Television 11 in which he has been asked to discuss recent tragic events. It’s obviously a trap so Matt goes with him. And they were right…. It is a trap!!! So, they chased Pentangle agents, eventually forcing them to withdraw to some construction yard. And that’s where fight begins. I won’t describe it, since you can watch that fight right under this text*. I’ll just point you to pay attention on interesting contrast between black Larry (who is real martial arts expert) and white Dudikoff (self-proclaimed martial arts expert).

*above mentioned fight. Enjoy if you can.

Pentangle learns about Matt Hunter and they decide to take him out too. Remember the safe house where Matt took Richards family? That would be his ranch. How cunning of him. So they should be completely safe there, right? WRONG!!! Pentangle agents burned safe house to the ground. Daisy is no more and Larry, the only cool guy in this movie, is moments from death. There, in his last moments, Larry had Matt to promise him that he will protect his only remaining son. Matt took a vow with no doubt on his face. So that should settles it, right? WRONG AGAIN!!! The only Richards remaining offspring is brutally killed couple of moments later, after falling with Matt from the roof. We notice that old movie rule according to which children won’t die even in gruesome horrors doesn’t apply here too. At least not for black children. So, the entire black family has been wiped out, despite protection of Matt Hunter! And his sister Sarah (whose acting is even worse than Dudikoff’s) is kidnapped. Now it’s personal!!!

No comment.

Furious by the fact that his sister has been kidnapped (and, in much less measure, by his failing to fulfil the promise given to Richards) Matt Hunter goes in one man crusade against Pentangle agents, fighting against sadomaso commando, costume ball rejects, kabuki ninjas, transvestites and somewhere along the way managing to save Sarah… Every encounter was 1v1, and Dudikoff got beaten almost to death by every single Pentangle agent, in fighting scenes that make American Ninja look like Bruce Lee movie!!! However, Matt manages to kill each and one of them in most ridiculous ways that sickos from Cannon could have imagined. In his final fight, he beats evil Prof. Elliott in his own mansion, thus putting an end to racist tyranny.

Conclusion: Although this should be an anti-racist movie, we couldn’t help but notice that black people are represented here as puny, weak, incompetent bunch, who would die without a help of white man. Also, for an anti-racist film, there is surprisingly large number of dead black people. They are dying like flies and actually not a single one of them makes it through the end. Last 30 minutes of movie are such confusion and bullshit. Why? Well, because Matt Hunter didn’t actually put much effort until the moment his sister got kidnapped. Judging by those last half an hour of this garbage it turns out that black family didn’t matter at all. Matt shows no emotions after first kid had died, and not even after the rest of Richards family got slaughtered. Entire anti-racist idea falls in water the moment when Richards family die and Sarah gets kidnapped. My advice: Don’t watch this disaster unless you are a supporter of Ku Klux Klan.

Cool Air (2013)

Posted: 30/05/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: Albert Pyun, Anthony Riparetti, Cool Air, Cynthia Curnan, H.P. Lovecraft, Norbert Weisser

Desecration of H.P. Lovecraft’s lifework continues even in modern age. But this time it’s not wretched Brian Yuzna who had crippled this master of horror (but after watching this I wished it was him). Now, who could do even lousier job than Yuzna, you might wonder. Who else than Albert Pyun, master of making complete calamities out of movies. He had filmed Cool Air in 2006., but he had problems finding the distributors for entire 7 years! And now I can see why.

Don’t be fooled by this! There are no visual effects here!

That something is terribly wrong here (besides the fact that Albert Pyun is director), we could notice on the very beginning, when we were tormented with intro that has been made in Powerpoint (badly if I might add), with at least 70% of the entire script written in it!!! Then, out of nowhere, we get 5 more minutes of monologue of Charlie Baxter (played by Morgan Weisser), a struggling screenwriter who tries to find his inspiration isolated somewhere in the mountains above Malibu. He finds accommodation in some mountain mansion. It is beginning of summer. What really pokes my eyes is too sunny and relaxed environment (yeah, even inside the mansion) that does not go along with this genre. Also, camera handling is amateurish at best, due to it’s constant shaking. Absence of slowing video in post-production (if there were any) makes me to feel like I am watching some kind of documentary or reality show.

Fascinating!

After renting the room, Charlie starts meeting the other residences of mansion. There we have suspiciousness landlady, her autistic daughter Estella (played by Jenny Dare Paulin), mysterious doctor in a room above him (from where some sort of fluid is dripping into his room), and strange, old man residing across the hall. The young writer seems to be mostly interested in Estella. His intentions to score with retarded girl are well known to all of us. And even to her mother, the landlady. After one of Charlie’s attempts to get closer to Estella, her mother finally gets pissed off and orders him to pack his things and leave the house in 24h. But, instead of listening to her and getting the hell out of there before she calls a police, Charlie gets a wave of inspiration caused by recent events and lodgers. So, he sits down and starts furiously writing his long ago started and never finished “Great American Screenplay”.

This screenplay will surely end up reviewed by Worsemovies crew.

Now keep in mind that Charlie is obviously young, strong and completely healthy man. So, it was surprise to us when he suddenly suffers heart attack while writing his story. Unable to call for help, he staggers to staircase, followed up by annoying flashes of picture camera that has been used for making this movie. There is no one around him and he collapses. But, suddenly the doors of the upper room opens and older, ugly woman appears. Yeah, that’s the room with cool air in it and from where fluids are dripping. Now he could complain about it (if he wasn’t almost dead, that is). He passes out, but the Doctor takes him into treatment. And he awakes in a cold room as a cured man. That room belongs to Doctor Shockner (played by Crystal Green). There, he finds out about Doctor’s special medical condition that has forced her into life in coldness.

Hm, she is not that well preserved.

Now Charlie is back to his room. Since he will be very fragile for next several weeks, Doctor Shockner had managed to convince landlady to let him stay in the mansion. Estelle was really glad to hear this, so for next couple of weeks she has been serving him with love in her eyes. Poor child. But, things are changed. After a recovery, Charlie starts spending more and more time at Doctor Shockner’s room, listening to her insights about tissue and organs preserving, and also attending her needs (not that kind of needs!) of outside world. All of that until the day air conditioner in doctor’s room got broken which caused her starting to melt down and falling apart (shown by the worst effects of evaporation ever). Things are even worse for her due the fact that it is summertime and it is really hot outside. After one of Doctor’s fingers fell off, Estella took it and buried in the ground hoping that something will grow out of it (?!). Anyhow, this turned out to be huge shakedown for Charlie, who closed himself into his room, suffering alone and occasionally writing his screenplay. Strange old man named Deltoid from across the hall visits Charlie to give him a comfort. Deltoid (played by Morgan’s father Norbert Weisser; best known for his episode roles in The Thing and Schindler’s List) told Charlie a sob story of how he was worker in amusement park and how he killed his wife. Also, he revealed to young writer that he is keeping his dead wife in freezer for a long time hoping that Doctor Shockner will eventually keep her promise and restore her back to life. In the end, he cuts his own wrists ( no blood at all; I guess ketchup was waaaaaaaaaaaay over Pyun’s budget) , lays before his dead wife in freezer and dies!!!

She is so hot that she is steaming!!!

After Doctor’s demise, Charlie decides that it is time for him to move away, leaving behind dead old man, unhappy retarded girl, her satisfied mother, and huge pile of Shockner’s remains. We get 10 more minutes of monologue and Powerpoint presentations. The end (?)

Conclusion: I am not even sure that this can be considered as a movie. Shaky amateurish camera, bad acting, reality show style filming, monologues that seems to be recorded after the filming was over and then added in post-production (if there were any), non-existence of any kind of visual effects…. All of these things make watching this movie to be unbearable experience. The script has absolutely nothing to do with actual Lovecraft’s story, which shouldn’t be considered as surprise since we know that Pyun’s girlfriend Cynthia Cuman was in charge of adaptation. Another scary fact are occasions that led to making this movie. Apparently, Albert Pyun had decided to take a break while working on Infection (2005), so he used those 2 weeks of pause in order to make Cool Air. Now, I always salute every attempt of filmmaking without using CGI, but Pyun shouldn’t have completely ignored this technique. It seems that Albert Pyun’s failing at making movies is progressive, as the time passes. This is, without any doubt, the worst H.P. Lovecraft adaptation in extremely strong competition. The only light spot of this monstrous cinematography attempt is music made by Anthony Riparetti. That’s the only thing that goes along with this story and genre.

Possible scriptwriter of Cool Air.

Worsemovies

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Project Shadowchaser 2 (1994)

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012)

Sharknado (2013)

Sherlock Holmes vs The Monsters (2010)

Transmorphers (2007)

Age of the Hobbits aka Clash of the Empire aka Age of the Elves (2012)

Almighty Thor (2011)

Avenging Force (1986)

Cool Air (2013)

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