Billy Blanks is more famous as a successful Martial Artist, Thai Bo founder and Fitness Guru but he is also most importantly (for us) the BAD MOVIE MAKING MACHINE! His inability to act (probably tied to his inability to read- he actually learned to read at 40 and depended on his then wife for most of his life) coupled with his over the top facial expressions and badly used athleticism, most often spent on ridiculous kickboxing production that could only get green lighted in the ’90.
Here Blanks is a humble Karate teacher working with at risks kids in the ghetto. Unfortunately his dojo gets targeted by Yakuza- like organization and their champion Takamura and he barely menages to fend them off. That’s also not the last of his worries because one of his oldest student is starting to spend time in dangerous neighborhoods all in hope of scoring with some random stupid girl. He tries to set him straight but unfortunately the kid is just too much of a dork to ever listen to him. He goes out searching for the slutty girlfriend but Takamura and his men find him first and decide to use “drive by shooting” style rather than Traditional martial art moves.
Blanks arrives just in time to see it happening. And reacts as always- hilariously!
Blanks I’m not sure anyone hears you. YOU should be the one calling ambulance.
Completely out of his mind he gets beaten to a pulp but mysterious Martial Artist Matsumoto aka Mako finds him. As a former teacher for the dreaded clan he offers to train him to defeat James Lew (Takamura) and gets revenge for his student. Like any true Martial Art master in the 90’s Mako teaches him with a string of bizarre or downright stupid tasks like running with a mouth full of water or practicing his blocks while buried in sand.
The director managed to rip off both Rocky III and IV in one training montage!
Finally Blanks is all ready for some revenging. Unfortunately his incompetence again shines thru as Takamura’s men menage to steal Matsumoto’s granddaughter right before his eyes. Having no other choice he goes as planed and enters the corrupt fighting ring. And man does he look ridiculous doing so.He is so muscled up and oiled up that he looks like he will explode any minute now. Also his exaggerated “horse stance” doesn’t do him any favors either. And as much as I LOVE James Lew as a villain (he is only second toCary-Hiroyuki Tagawa in the film villainy) having a bad guy that’s much smaller then a hero is rarely a good strategy.
Now,after killing both Takamura and his boss Hastishita and he finally returns to his ghetto dojo to find- his student alive and well after all. So- the kid actually survived and the whole ordeal was about nothing. Great work Billy, for real! He introduces Matsumoto to his students and I think we can expect him exploiting the kids for some other death tournament in no time.
Verdict: Now lets rewind- he didn’t even check if his freaking student had any pulse, he just ran to get some revenge and left him there to die, and you know what- he managed to fail at that too. If the kid had really died blood would have been on his hands, not just Takamura’s- and all because he is a goddamn idiot!
We are all aware of huge gap between upper and lower class in all spheres of human society. And anyone, who has at least a peanut sized brain, understands that things will never change no matter what we do. Still, there are numerous movies trying to display this obvious injustice, and most of them are pretty good. But when Brian Yuzna tries to do the same it ends up as shocking, disturbing surreal movie rich with slimy incest and disgusting transformation of snobs and their inbreeds.
The plot revolves around Billy Warlock (played by Bill Whitney) not understanding his rich, uptight family. They mix with other upper class members, while Billy is more down to earth (but still, his girlfriend is also a member of upper class). He doesn’t seem to fit in with their lifestyle or with anything they do. So he feels like a misfit; nothing unusual for a depressive American teenager. Especially in Billy’s case since he was adopted. And when an acquaintance, his sister’s ex-boyfriend David Blanchard (played by Tim Bartell), plays him a recording of the sister’s debutante party (in which welcoming to society followed by Jenny’s (played by Patrice Jennings) fornicating with mom and dad can be heard), Billy begins to suspect something strange is happening around him. Of course, he can’t prove anything. Oh why no one does believe deranged teenager about conspiracy? Anyway, Billy decides to go to family friend psychiatrist Dr Cleveland (played by Ben Slack) and asks for help. He hands him over incriminating tape, which mysteriously changed it’s content the very next day. Billy was about to drop everything. It never happened, because after David dies in a car accident he decides to investigate his family and find a scary truth. Also giving Bill something to think about in the “my family is a highly organized collection of freaks” department was when he spotted her back boobies through a blurry shower door.
Bill attends a party hosted by his classmate Ferguson (played by Ben Meyerson), who confirms him that the first audio tape was the real one. And what Bill did with that info? Nothing! He picks up Clarissa (played by Devin DeVasquez), one of the sluts on the party, and went her home to heat her oven. There he notice something is wrong with her body as well. Ah poor guy. It is hard today to find a girl with every of her limbs and body parts placed correctly.
The next day, after returning home and finding his parents and sister all dressed in lingerie (family coat of arms), Bill goes to Blanchard’s funeral. There he and his friend Milo (played by Evan Richards) discover that Blanchard’s corpse is not quite real. But he is not alone in conspiracy. His friend Martin (played by Brian Bremer) approaches and says he must speak with him. They both agree to a secret meeting. On the meeting place Bill discovers Petrie with his throat slit from ear to ear. Oh well, it seems that this bird won’t sing. Or it will? Because the next day at school, Petrie shows up, alive and well. When Bill arrives at home, he confronts his family again (now dressed up regularly), but with Dr. Cleveland’s help, they drug Bill. Bill awakens in a hospital bed and thinks he hears Blanchard crying out. Or it is just his conscience? Nah he doesn’t have any problems with that. He leaves the hospital and finds his Jeep waiting for him. Milo tries to warn him, but he drives back to his house. Damn that was bad decision.
A hypocrite
And now the great finale! Back home again, Bill finds a large, formal party. There he finds out that his family and their high-society friends are a completely different species than him (well duh). Blanchard is there as well. So the party can get finally started. The wealthy party guests strip to their underwear and begin literally feed on the poor (just like in real life), physically deforming and melding with each other as they suck the nutrients out of Blanchard’s body. Their intention is to do to the same to Bill. Ferguson has obviously taken Bill’s insult (he called him a butthead earlier in the movie) to the heart since he turned himself upside down! Yup, Ferguson actually pulls his head out through his buttocks and says “Well son, I guess you’re right, I am a butthead. Ha ha ha ha ha”. Billy decides that he had enough of this and, with Milo and Clarissa’s help—who is also of this alternate species, but has fallen in love with Bill, SOMEHOW manages to escape (no one actually have tried to stop him). Since this scene is too much disturbing for me to describe, here you can watch the entire party:
Conclusion: This movie would have been even watchable if there wasn’t last scene (which lasts about 20 minutes). Also, acting is bad and plot is a cliche, even for a 1989. I mean, there are plenty of movies judging class struggle. Of course, no one else would accept doing such sick special effects than Screaming Mad George. He even seems to be proud of his work on butthead. As for Brian Yuzna, this was his debut, and it was pretty decent despite everything (for a debut of course). And as we all know his career went rapidly downhill from there. In short, in spite of opinions of shallow majority, I dare to say that king is naked and declare this film to be a complete garbage, from this day on to eternity. Therefore, my final verdict is:
Just when you thought he’s done with Cyborgs constant fixation on our blog Albert Pyun is back with new SF epic called STAR WARFARE RANGERS and the CYBORG WITCH of ENDOR.
Both movie and graphic novel are to be released in May of 2016 and the plot is as it follows:
The 7th Empress (ELLIE CHURCH) of the Imperial Empire is faced with a rebellion by the edge of the universe races who believe in mysticism and dark forces. The rebels are led by a powerful Aym Mystic named Kindo-Ker (GLENN MAYNARD) who believes he was awakened (reincarnated) to destroy the Imperial Empire and bring life to the darker sides of mysticism. The Empress assembles an elite team of soldiers, the Star Warfare Rangers, on the planet of Endor. The special ops team is led by Captain “Starkiller” Merin (BRAD THORNTON) and the team includes Lt. Li-Lin Lucas (MAYLING NG), CWO Kelli Kurtz (KATI SALOWSKY), CWO Lani McCallum (JAX SCOTT), Corporal Robin Watts (ASHLEY CAMPBELL) and two Sniper Specialist, Sgt. Lobo Katz (PAUL GUNN) and Corporal Willard McQuarrie (TRAVIS KRAUSS). The Rangers are to find and rescue a teen age Cyborg (CAT CAKMIS), who the Empress believes can stop the rebellion. Kindo-Ker is assisted by an creature assassin named Maanu-agu (FULVIA SANTONI) and a warrior mutated by the dark forces of Hell, Anak-Mindo (NATHAN FERRIER). The film opens a 100 years after the events in the film and we are led into the story by the 8th Empress of the imperial Empire (TOMMIE VEGAS). Obviously inspired by the likes of Power Rangers and Star Wars WARFARE RANGERS is promising to be a bit of a return to form for Pyun who mostly dabbled in the micro- budgeted artsie flicks last couple of years. It also features Brad Thornton (Kikcboxer 4, The Sensei), Ellie Church, Nathan Ferrier and the interesting new talent Tommie Vegas who already collaborated with Pyun on The Interrogation of Cheryl Cooper short film last year. And all of that for a hardcore 200000$ budget!
After a many years spent drinking beer in front of the local stores and doing absolutely nothing Michael Dudikoff has finally decided to leave his dumpster in ninja style and stand in line for a work. Since no one in Hollywood thought of him since 2002 (Quicksand, Stranded) he is no position to choose work. So he accepted the first role that wasn’t nailed down, like role of Lieutenant Sheer in the independent garbage like this:
Once again Navy Seals prove their superiority in supernatural wars
Next we can expect “The Koff” as a Senator in Left Turn and then finally his full fledged return to Martial Art flicks (it has been too long) with Four Towers opposite Steven Seagal and Rutger Hauer.
If you know anything about us, WM Club started with couple of guys challenging each other to watch some of the most ridiculous, cheese movies they can think of. One of the first movies we watched- and the first to grace our blog was the absolutely terrific Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.
Remember this?
Now, the mystique around this movie kept expanding ’cause at the time no one could tell what happened to the main actor, striking Eric Freeman who after couple stint on TV disappeared for something like two decades. Next we fallowed the story with a surprise return of Eric Freeman (only second to the resurrection of Samurai Cop) taking his rightful place in the fandom. But now something even more awesome happened, Freeman himself took it upon himself to close the circle and write the final, real chapter of the story of Ricky Caldwell.
Scott Pearlman (the director working on a documentary on Freeman) read the script and said “Eric put a lot of care into it creating a very logical and satisfying way for Ricky to return and evolve, it’s not a slasher film per se which may turn hardcore fans off but it truly respects the character and takes him in a different direction while paying homage to what came before. If I had to describe it its like a blend of North By North West and the Fugitive fused with Death Wish and set in the Silent Night, Deadly Night universe. It’s also hyper violent, which is a must have of course.”
So, if everything works out, and I have every reason to think it will, Garbage Day will be upon us again… and that alone is reason enough to celebrate!
“This story was written as a natural progression of the character Ricky Caldwell from 1987’s Silent Night, Deadly Night 2. That movie came to a climax with a bloody carnage-laden rampage and the death of Mother Superior and Ricky Caldwell being shot. Twenty five years have elapsed and Caldwell is a patient at Waverly Psychiatric Hospital. He is seemingly normal, but things quickly go awry when a body is found in Caldwell’s room. This script can be a sequel to SNDN 2 or as a standalone movie with no tie-in whatsoever. Obviously, there is a monetary advantage of having a huge built-in fan base from the cult hit movie.”
This weekend after a great deal of drama, turmoil, re-shoots and rumors of director being removed from the final editing process new adaptation of Fantastic Four finally hit the big screen. As expected the reviews, one worse than the next started pouring in and after a while even the director Josh Trank decided to wash his hands of it and point the finger elsewhere. Box-office expectations went from 50 to 40 to 30 million (and F4 didn’t even menage to get that- it earned 26.2 mill. in the end).
As it often happens in this internet age in a less then a few hours new F4 became the most universally hated super- hero movie since 1997’s Batman & Robin (and that’s really saying something). Now as we lament another horrible attempt of adapting relatively straightforward SF/ Adventure comicbook let us remember another Fantastic Four adaptation, the one that never got to the big screen…
Setting some new records for comicbook adaptations!
Yes, we’re talking about Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four! And yes, Corman’s F4 is by the numbers, cheap B Movie adaptation but it still menages to keep most of the elements that make Fantastic Four, well- fantastic! Hell, with a bit more on the budget side and a tighter script it could have been one of better super- hero flicks of it’s day.
The same can’t be said for Trank’s F4, nothing could have saved that mess. Fox should have been smart and pulled the plug on it before it was too late. But, what’s done is done. Hopefully rights finally revert back to Marvel, they did pretty damn good when that happened with Daredevil.
Before Indonesian cinematography went to extremely hilarious, entertaining and over-the-top action movies (like The Stabilizer) they had bizarre, pointless and bizarre attempts of horror making. Combined with a low budget and non-existence of actors you get lame, unwatchable motion picture. Mystics in Bali is the perfect example of this. Based on an old Indonesian folklore tale (which ground base is almost as weak as screenplay) this movie was condemned to utter failure from the very first scenario pitch (under the condition that actually there were any, instead of some drunk and highly drugged dude took the camera and went to a nearest bush at night).
Mystics…in Bali
The plot is very simple. A young girl Catherine (played by established actress Ilona Agathe Bastian), with interests in occult, wants to learn witchcraft for a book research, so she comes at her boyfriend Mahendra (played by Yos Santo) to the small Indonesian island called Bali. There her boyfriend, who is the native (what a lucky coincidence), used his tribal connections and managed to find a genuine, old, crusty evil witch. As a dark arts training fee witch (played by Sofia W.D.) demands jewels and several jars of blood from Cathy. Cathy pays the price easily (we don’t know whose this blood is or how she had obtained it; maybe Mahendra had some in his stocks in basement). Witch drinks that blood using her tentacles. In return, witch does a tattoo on Catherine’s leg. Now the training can start.
First lesson is scheduled for the next evening. Cathy, like any other good student of occultism, shows on time. Meanwhile, tattoo on her leg has expanded (Mahendra was very glad to have it inspected closely). Anyway, Cathy’s lesson are consisted of learning how to laugh like a real witch, followed by some sort of tribal dancing with a witch. But that’s not everything. Tomorrow Cathy told Mahendra that she is almost a master of liyah spell. After only one night and one lesson! Cool, where can I sign up? So now Cathy can change her shape into everything she wants. And of all interesting shapes she and the witch had chosen a shape of two pigs! Ok first time is always trivial. Second and final lesson will be held next evening at midnight!
Like always (one previous time, that is) Cathy shows on time. Witch assures her that she is going to become her disciple after in black arts after only one more thing is done. And that thing is to borrow Cathy’s head! No, for real! Witch casts some spell, throwing Cathy in deep state of meditation and detaching her head from her body! Altogether with spinal cord. Head flies away, breaks into some house and using a vampire teeth, sucks out a baby from pregnant woman who was lying in bed. Now that’s bizarre! Of course, head goes back to witch where she uncovers her real plan. Her name is Leak Queen and as you could guess it, she needs fresh blood to regain, in her words, TOTAL POWER and her youth. Quite typical for a woman to try to satisfy her vanity. Of course, Cathy remains under a Leak’s control and remembers nothing of her evil deeds. As you can see, you can find clichés even in Indonesian culture.
Worried with what he has heard from Cathy, Mahendra asks his uncle Machesse (played by W.D. Mochtar) for a help. Machesse doesn’t take that very seriously, at least not until a second murder of wild flying head. Then he is forced to call for an elder mystics council meeting, where they discuss current situation with drinking, smoking, stating the obvious things and nodding to each other after those statements. On that meaning we learn that witch has to take 3 lives of newborn babies in order to achieve her goal. As for Cathy, she started to suspect something is wrong after her head returned to her body with a blood on it’s lips. Tremendous power of deduction indeed! Still, she doesn’t want to denounce herself of a power and when witch (now looking much younger) visits her at home, asking for more fresh blood, Cathy doesn’t even put an effort in attempt to refuse her. Her only argument was that she is going to do it tomorrow with following explanation “It is late now. Where to find fresh blood at this hour?”. Hm, the girl has the point. But of course, witch can’t wait so Cathy’s head flies out again in search for third victim. This time it has been ambushed by angry peasants armed with torches and pitchforks. Machesse saw whose head is this and warned Mahendra that it is too late for Cathy. He also tried to prevent head to reattach to body by sticking Chinese sticks into Cathy’s still body, but there was no use of it (no shit).
Nirvana
Angry with foiling her plans witch attacks and kills Machesse, in a supernatural low-budget fight, which can be best described as “kindergarten kid draws a lightings on a film role”. Seriously, compared to this, a drawn lighting from the original “Childs play” is an Oscar wining material in special effects department. Anyway, Machesse’s death is not the end of everything and triumph of evil. His brother (oh come on) who is even greater mystic (COME ON) shows himself out of nowhere and engages in wizard fight with a witch who has transformed into some sort of kabuki monster. That means more bad effects during which one member of Worsemovies crew got an epileptic seizure. Second uncle triumphs eventually, as it was expected. Oh yeah, and Mahendra managed to kill Cathy using a dagger his uncle gave him (though we haven’t seen when such thing occurred). End of the movie and complete silence of disbelief in room broken only by sounds of body trembling on the floor.
Conclusion: Hint for director H. Tjut Djalil: Never try to make a movie based on special effects if you have no budget. Better not to show any flashy stuff than to try it this way and embarrass yourself along with the entire crew. Not that I would say actors in this movie know for shame, regarding their acting. Instead of pissing away entire film budget (2$) onto special effects that cause temporary blindness and malfunction of brain waves, they should have invested it into getting at least one actor who knows how humans behave when they are in fear. Though I would recommend watching this Mystics in Bali. It is a good laugh after all.
It is time that we honor the recently deceased legend that is Sir. Christopher Lee. Of course we will leave the beautiful and touching tributes to other people much better than ourselves- we’ll honor him in our own unique- twisted way. By reviewing the movie he was most ashamed of and publicly apologized for in numerous occasions- Howling 2!
Christopher Lee reading Bible in Space! This intro kicks so much ass-unfortunately the movie doesn’t!
The movie starts right after the end of the original with Ben, previously unmentioned brother of the deceased journalist Karen White facing the fact that something was not quite right with the way she died.The occult detective Stefan Crosscoe pays him the visit and even thou there’s extensive video evidence he refuses to believe his sister was a werewolf. In the end it takes a werewolf resurrection of Karen to convince him otherwise.Also we learn that only titanium can kill a werewolf? That’s something new.
Remember this scene, this won’t be the last time you see it…
It turns out that there’s a werewolf uprising caused by the waking up of their Witch queen Stirba played by non other but B-movie sex symbol Sybil Danning. Ben, Kelly and Stefan ( Christopher Lee) decide to do the only logical thing- hitch a ride to Transylvania and stop the incoming treat. For some reason this movie mixes up werewolf, vampire and witch myths.
Stirba also likes werewolf threesomes when time permits
Strangely enough the three of them pretty much lose track of one another once they reach the town. I they couldn’t resist the local Gypsy celebration (that lasted their whole visit). In the end Ben menages to track down the Stirba cult to the haunted castle but his would- be girlfriend Jenny ends up being captured. We’re also treated with a head exploding dwarf ’cause Stirba’s power knows no limit. Ben survives her spell by using holly (blessed by a local priest) ear- plugs!
Although she summons all of her werewolf forces Stefan, Ben and the villagers menage to reach the castle. Couple of villagers lose their lives but that is to be expected. When a Village priest confronts Stirba she menages to disfigure him using his stick with a demon- bat (nifty little thing) but Stefan continues on. She uses all of her sorcery on him but Lee is adamant. Her thrust a stake in her stomach “in the name of God” and then they strangely burn out together. I guess Lee had no reason to live after he finished her off?
Ben and Kelly on the other hand run as far away from Transylvania as they can and after a while they finally settle together in the States. Then a trick-or-treater dressed as a werewolf shows up on their t doorstep and we have to presume that their problems are still far from over. Trivia 1:When Christopher Lee was cast in Gremlins 2: The New Batch, the first things he did was apologize to the director Joe Dante (who directed the original Howling) for being in this film.As far as we know apology was accepted.
Trivia 2:The music for the movie was provided by little known new wave band called Babel that also plays the title song “The Howling” in the movie. The members of the band would later form a new band State Project and their keyboardist Simon Etchell continued his music career by composing the themes for UK TV show Catchphrase as well as many other TV tunes and soundtrack like the one for the movie Vanished.
Now let us enjoy the title/ end credits song (with record 17 time repeated scene of Sybil Daning ripping her shirt off to reveal her breasts)
We’ll begin this news bulletin by schooling you in Serbian royal history. Why would you EVER need that? Hold on tight, you’ll find out in just a second.
Princess Elizabeth Karadjordjevic is the only daughter of Prince Paul of Yugoslavia ( he served as a regent for his cousin King Peter II of Yugoslavia) and Princess Olga of Greece/Denmark. Her first marriage was with an American clothing manufacturer Howard Oxenberg and they have two daughters from the relationship- older being Catherine Oxenberg (Kатарина Оксенберг).
Catherine with her mother, Princess Elizabeth Karadjordjevic
Catherine started her career in acting with a TV movie about Charles and Diana and continued with TV show like mega popular Dynasty and short lived action spectacle that is Acapulco H.E.A.T. But in the end the most important thing that came out of her acting career was meting her future husband Casper Van Dien ( Starship Troopers and almost nothing else worth mentioning).
Still popular in Germany!
Naturally they collaborated on numerous projects including “I Married A Princess”. Now, they finally made the ultimate (B) movie together, third film in the SyFy series- Roger Corman produced Sharktopus VS Whalewolf!!! The premiere date is July 19, so mark it on your calendar.
So while you enjoy the historical showdown between the Sharktopuss and his new arch nemesis the Whalewolf pay attention to the Nazi looking scientist Dr. Reinhardt and remember- she is our royalty and yes, we apologize.
Uwe Boll had an amazingly profitable (if not successful) career for years all thanks to the law in Germany that guaranties to refund half the money spent on making a film. It took them couple of years but even the Germans figured out that was not for the best and Boll was forced to seek financing for his projects elsewhere.
Seems like a cool dude!
That leads us to his latest attempt to bring Rampage 3 (yes a sequel of the sequel of the movie about psycho killer nobody wanted to see) to life. Not surprisingly the Kickstarter made just about half the amount and Boll had a complete and utter meltdown. Ironically the update he made titled “Fuck you” is actually more entertaining then all his movies combined.
Apparently you shouldn’t enjoy Avengers because “they’re not real”- very different than Rampage I guess. Then he continued with insulting Hollywood elite and then strangely seques into a bizarre racist rant.“And then goodbye investor, fuck yourself and find another retarded Chinese, Alibaba idiot or another fucking retarded India metal steel magnate who wants to see his fucking yacht in front of Cannes to fuck models… That is the film business.” Woah, man, just woah!
“Because I would help genocide” Maybe he should finally learn some English
PS We are well aware we may have summoned the wrath of Uwe Boll and we’re getting ready for eventual boxing match challenge ’cause that seems to be the only way Boll is able to answer the critics (beside swearing like a trucker).
Worsemovies 