Death Spa aka Witch Bitch (1989)

Posted: 29/11/2013 in Trash movies
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When I first time heard of this movie it immediately reminded me on Aerobicide. Unfortunately, unlike the previously mentioned jewel of AIP production (Prior brothers), Death Spa is not as funny and interesting but only much worse. Though, truth to be told, there are a lot of dumb, retarded, gay jocks and empty-headed bimbos in Death Spa as well.

The movie starts with the lighting striking gym’s neon sign “Starbody Health Spa” (possibly the worst name ever), after which remaining working letters  create “Death Spa”. Oooh that can’t be good. Inside the gym hottie Laura (played by Brenda Bakke) is dancing and cleaning windows with her ass. She is alone  there. Or is she? One of the trainers there, Marvin (played by horror movies veteran Ken Foree) approached and informed her that closing time is near and  Laura is the only one left. So she decides to take quick relaxing in sauna. Now, I forgot to mention that the whole facility is top-notch and completely  controlled by computer. But computers make mistake too. Poor Laura is about to discover that when she, by mischief, gets locked inside sauna and things start to get really hot inside. It seems that computer has been putting a lot of poison gas inside. With her last atoms of strength Laura manages to break a small  window on sauna’s doors.

Let off some steam, LauraLet off some steam, Laura!

Who might have done it? Apart Marvin, two more persons have been there. Owner of the club Michael (played by William Bumiller) and David (played by Merrit  Butrick) who is main programmer and Michael’s brother-in-law. Well, an ex brother-in-law since his sister and Michael’s wife is dead. This mystery will try  to solve funny Lt. Fletcher (played by Frank McCarthy) and his associate, lovely Sgt. Stone (played by Rosalind Cash). Following morning both of them are at  the club, going past the above mentioned gay jocks and dumb bimbos, interrogating both Michael and David afterwards. Meanwhile, accidents are just waiting to happen. Apparently, someone has been messing with diving board. Actually, someone got loose bolts on diving board which almost killed some girl who was  trying to jump into the pool. All of this seems to puts a lot of pressure onto Michael’s shoulders since he dreams about wheelchairs in flame almost every  night. I must admit that that detail got my attention…for about 5 seconds! WTH burning wheelchairs from hell has to do with health spa??? I guess I am  going to get an answer on that question. Though, I believe that an answer is not going to make much sense. Anyway, back to spa now. I notice that enormous
number of homosexuals with muscles is attending gym. Well, I hardly find it surprising. It was truth back then same as now days. Michael really freaks out when he finds a bird nest in his office. He runs to David accusing him of that sick joke. Why sick, I wonder? Hm it seems that it has something to do with his late wife. More accidents… First, the tiles from walls at shower-room started hitting a lot of hot, naked chicks. But they were enough lucky to go without injuries which can’t be said for some dude who got torn apart by chest press device. Investigators are furrowing their brows and probably suspecting a water boy. Meanwhile, Michael went to pick up his blinded girlfriend Laura from hospital and take her on some home cooked meal.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x17srbg_seducing-a-blind-girl-is-like-a-fishing-in-a-barrel_fun

Seducing a blind girl is like fishing in a barrel.

After another death (black chick gets impaled by one of the lockers in locker-room) Michael decides to hire a paranormal investigator. Great, now besides  mysterious murders we are also getting supernatural element in this movie. “Just throw it on a pile”, is what I guess director Michael Fischa had said. Now,  parapsychologist Dr. Lido Moray (played by Joseph Whipp) is a completely deranged and insane man. A total lunatic!!! And he has glowing stick which is  supposed to be some sort of ghost detector! And he uses it to demonstrate psychometri! HA! Ghostbusters, eat yourself!!!

This man scares meThis man scares me!

Later that evening, at the club, Linda gets a message from Michael in which he wants to meet with her in basement. He even had put a map of basement into  message. Happy about it she goes down to the basement searching for him. But Michael is at his home, dreaming about his dead wife calling him to spend  eternity with her. Nevertheless, Linda found something in the basement. Something evil! No, not a ghost. Just tube which showered her with an acid. Dr Moray  found her using his detector. And he had a close encounter with something unholy. I guess that is the dream of every parapsychologist. I can’t say if he died a happy man afterwards. What I can say is that he died a brutal, painful and humiliating death.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x17srck_bad-medicine_fun

Bad medicine

Time for great finale! A Mardi Gras party inside the gym. And that is where plot is going to make sense (at least to director and producers). Finally, I say  since that is over an hour after movie had started and we got no idea what is actually happening there. It turns out that the spirit of Michael’s late wife  Catherine (played by Sharri Shattuck) has taken control over the main computer and, furthermore, control over David through computer. And all because  Catherine was jealous on girls in the club instead of Laura only (it seems that our Michael is a player). So, the complete chaos and bloodshed is about to  start. A lot of dead, mutilated people. First one to die is a dude in a computer room. Next one is bartender chick killed by blender (?!), followed by death
of horny Lt. Fletcher who’s neck has been impaled by talking frozen eel (yeah, I know). Well, its not that he had somehow contributed to this case  anyway. The whole place is falling apart with guests locked inside. Many more bizarre deaths and gore, including demise of legendary Ken Foree. Eventually,  possessed David burned himself to death by holding electrical installations with his\her bare hands. Yeah, ghost burned himself to death. Now you know it is  possible. Very ending of the movie is very cheesy, showing us burned ghost still alive (“Finally, everything is ok. Or, is it?”). God, I hope no one will  make sequel.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x17srh2_some-party-to-remember_fun

Some party to remember

Conclusion: I resent the fact Death Spa being compared to Aerobicide, even in bad elements. This movie makes Aerobicide looks like it has no place on this  blog (and believe me, it has; both of those movies have been reviewed by yours truly). Death Spa is nothing but a 80 minutes of goofy dialogs (though, you  can’t really expect any interesting and intelligent dialogs between gay jocks and sluts), dumb special effects, and screenplay which is in same time cheesy,  incoherent (elements of supernatural, sabotaging, and demon possession have been chucked in this shitty-taste stew) and inconclusive (I already have mentioned “Or is it?” ending of the movie). Also, shameless adding a legend of horror flicks (Ken Foree) to crew just to boost the sale and then giving him a small part (not that Foree’s bigger part could have saved this disaster) can’t go unnoticed and unpunished. If this was an attempt of ripping off Aerobicide then Death Spa is the perfect example of what happens when you try to rip-off another bad ’80s slasher. In other words – DON’T DO IT!!!

No Retreat, No Surrender 3: Blood Brothers (1990)

Posted: 25/11/2013 in Trash movies, Worse News
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We already covered one of the “crown jewels” of Loren Avedon‘s career King of the Kickboxers but it’s time to take a closer look at the movie that propelled him to his short- lived B movie stardom. After launching his career with Corey Yuen’s “classic” “No Retreat No Surrender II” (remember- the first one introduced the world to the awesomeness of Van Damme and his incredible splits) he continued his rise thru the ranks with the sequel. Now, this sequel is mostly a sequel in name only- having completely different tone, and abandoning previous “Tournament”setting for more urban of a urban Kickboxing meets Spy Thriller style.

This dude cracks me up!

Films starts with a fitting quote from Mao Tse Tung of course fallowed by a terrorist action by bunch of ridiculous mustached idiots. Their plan comes undone when one of the hostages turns out to be CIA agent Casey Alexander, man whose kickboxing skills are only overshadowed only by his  over the top facial expressions (ala Erik Roberts). He kills the bad guys and gets the girl (there’s always a girl there somewhere). In the meantime his younger brother Willis beating up some noobs.It turns out those are his students and he is just “preparing them for the street”. I am always shocked and amazed by complete lack of charisma and acting ability by this man! Anyway he is called by his father on his birthday party/ family reunion and he reluctantly agrees.

No.Retreat.No.Surrender 3.1990.DVDRip.XviD BROTHERS BLOOD.avi_000147600Mao said it best…

He arrives at the birthday in an old Volkswagen Beetle and ripped up jeans with some Communist insignia. Hmm… I’m wondering if the Chinese director is trying to tell us something here. Anyways, kudos for sneaking in thing like that in something that is an American production. He then menages to get into an argument with his rich CIA brother and quickly leaves. After the party’s over a new party begins as the old man faces bunch of assassins who look like Ninja Bee Gees in his very home and he even menages to kill one of them.Unfortunately he menages to die by flying out of the window like a freakin’ cannonball in one of the many hilarious highlights of this movie. His killer is devious Franko, a man that can be best described as an albino mulleted mongoloid.

Avedon returns home but it’s already too late, his father’s carcass is floating in the family pool. He then has a dramatic, tearful scene with his older brother and I painfully realize that his Keith Vitally is just as terrible actor as Avedon himself, hell maybe even more so! Next thing we see is a funeral and the FBI brother who gets a tap on his back via one of his superiors with words like “he was my partner and my best friend”. We momentarily realize that this man was in fact responsible for the murder… yeah cliches galore in this one!

Avedon journeys to Hawaii to have his revenge and his brother tries to track him down (unfortunately it seems CIA didn’t train him enough cause he fails miserably). First thing Avedon does is find a local dojo and gets into the fight with the friends Martial Artist he has here (how convenient). After blowing some steam they use their prowess and also their acting skill to get Avedon into a gang that they suspect is responsible for the murder. The less said about the way they manage to do that- the better. He ends up being rapidly inducted into the gang with his first mission to… KILL HIS BROTHER! No, I am not making this shit up.

After a disastrous “fake” subduing of his brother, the boss finally figures thing out (he’s no the head of operation for nothing) and starts torturing the brothers and the random girl the older brother is having sex with when he’s in Hawaii (how convenient). After being electrocuted the devious plan of CIA agent and Albino dude is finally clear, they want to use Avedon to kidnap the Ambassador of Mozambique and make a diversion which they’ll later use to FUCKIN’ BLOW UP THE PRESIDENT WITH A BAZOOKAA! These men aren’t thinking small.

No.Retreat.No.Surrender 3.1990.DVDRip.XviD BROTHERS BLOOD.avi_004907800

Of course they have a hiccup in their plan and that’s older brother Casey freeing himself and threatening their whole plan. Then finally two brothers team up and put all the evil folks thru their Martial Art blender. It’s also fun to note that the Lowe, the director desperately tried to tone down his usual sensibilities and make fight scenes a bit more in American Karate/ Kicboxing style opposed to over the place Chinese Wire- Fu but it’s like he said “fuck it” in this last scene and went over… and out.

Notice the joyful death of Franko, the albino killer!

Verdict: Director Lucas Lo shows everything that was wrong in Hong Kong cinematography of the 80’s/ 90’s in one place. And Avedon- well he proves why he was never propelled to the stardom of his dreaded nemesis Jean Claude Van Damme.Trivia: Same director and lead actor had another team up not long after and that resulted in probably the most over the top Martial Arts film of all times- King of the Kickboxers. If you missed it- you enjoy the review here.

PS Loren is having a comeback of sorts these days acting in Frank Caruso’s vehicle Risk Factor and the movies seems like something you can watch straight after NR NS III without skipping a beat.

Kingdom of the Spiders (1977)

Posted: 14/11/2013 in Trash movies
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I remember this scene like it was yesterday: Early evening, dark in my room…I am 6 or 7 years old. My younger brother and I are watching some wrestling  match on VHS (one year before I had discovered that wrestling is a scam). Suddenly, wrestling has been interrupted by scene of mysteriously cow death. That  looked intriguing to us so we watched entire thing. Over 20 years later, while I was with the rest of Worsemovies crew, this blast from the past stroke me  for unknown reasons. We did a bit of research, found out the name of the movie and decided to watch it (for your enjoyment only, not ours – believe me). So, here it goes.
As I already mentioned above, the movie starts with mysterious death of cow. Something attacked it from grass witch has been shown to us by ridiculous  zooming in cow’s snout followed by sinister synthesizer sounds in background. Next scene takes us to the other side of town, where local vet Robert “Rack”  Hansen (played by none other than Captain Kirk himself – William Shatner) and his sister-in-law Terry (played by Marcy Lafferty) are on horses pursuing a  bull in order to give him vaccine shot. It seems that Terry wanted a shot too (if you know what I mean), and she was close to it since Rack caught her with  lasso and both were on the ground a moment later. But she blew it by calling Rack by his late brother’s name. Unpleasant silence was interrupted by pager  message for Dr Hansen. He got emergency call from Colby farm. Reason is obvious – investigating a death of a cow. Next scene and Shatner is already at  Colby’s place. Walter Colby (played by Woody Strode) and his wife Birch (played by Altovise Davis) seems to be too much shaken because of death of cattle.  They think it might be some sort of virus. Shatner has his doubts too so he decides to send blood sample to Arizona entomology department.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x176z8j_i-guess-her-milking-days-are-over-yeeaaaaah

I guess her milking days are over. YEEAAAAH!

The test results came very next day, brought by entomologist Diane Ashley (played by Tiffany Bolling). As soon as they met old dog Shatner didn’t waste his  time and immediately tried to jump on her. Didn’t work out for him after first attempt since Dr Diane is supposed to be tough, smart, successful woman (but we  all know that such women exist only in movies). Instead of all that she is just rather annoying and makes you want to slap her. Anyway, she claims that cow  had died of spider venom, which Rack immediately disregarded as a complete nonsense. Well, I guess that they are not going to solve this today. So, Diane  rents a cabin at Emma Washburn (played by Lieux Dressler). Later that evening, while Diane was drinking at Emma’s bar, some old man tourist from Colorado  named Vern Johnson (played by Joe Ross) tried to pick her up right in front of his unsuspecting, naive, retarded wife Betty (played by Adele Malis). Vern  appears to be an inventor of revolutionary chemical toilet used on construction sites, but that fact didn’t help him to knock Diane of her legs (and insert  himself between them). Insulted by such offer she decides to return to her cabin, takes a shower and plays with tarantula she has found under her clothes  (?!). Could she be some sort of spider-woman? Judge by yourself.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x176zdl_incy-wincy-spider

Incy Wincy Spider…

Next day they are at Colby farm again where they found his dog killed by spiders. Old Walter starts to act as a drama queen, suggesting that they should  better shoot him rather than watch his cattle dies. Diane does some quick tests and repeats her theory about spiders killers. Walter then reveals that there  is spider hill near his farm. A lot of spiders there. Enraged, stupid Walter wanted to kill every single of them by plain wooden stick. After old farmer got  cool again Rack and Diane went to the lunch. During the lunch she stated her theory about how people killed all of insects by using insecticides thus  destroying spiders’ natural source of food. Poor tarantulas, having no other choice, are forced to turn against the cattle and people. This is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. You can’t just accidentally exterminate enormous population of insects in a desert area. However, John “Bud” Cardos  (director of this movie) finds this to be very logical and possible. Anyway, in light of new facts (which are actually just blind stab in the dark), Diane and Rack decided to burn spider hill later that night. Just to mention  that previously she had fallen on Shatner’s charm, right in her cabin. Hm on a 3rd meeting? So much about her acting to be hard-to-get. Ok, now back to spider hill. Burning it sounds simple, right? Well, it is not, especially when you get attacked by rampaging bull covered with tarantulas. I guess this adds a completely new meaning to “mad cow” expression. Nevertheless, Walter managed to burn the spider hill while shouting words of vengeance. It seems to me that he had not read “Moby Dick”. If he had he would know that you can’t take revenge on animals. But spiders made escape route so Walter’s spilling of gasoline  was in vain. And now tarantulas are the ones who are going to get some vengeance. First one on their hit list is Walter. Hey, it makes sense if you watch it from spider’s point of view. He just burned down perfectly good spider hill. Tarantulas ambushed Walter in his pick-up truck while he was driving, outnumbering and killing him slowly and painful, eventually wrapping him in cocoon. I don’t know if he wanted it but now he is white.

I wonder if Michael Jackson tried the same thingI wonder if Michael Jackson tried the same thing?

Now it seems that we are getting to the bottom of this. Remember theory about poor tarantulas having nothing to eat? Well, it doesn’t end with that. It gets  even more stupid. Pay attention now. There wasn’t just one spider hill. There are hundreds of it. Why? Because millions and millions of spiders are migrating in search for food. So, no more insects in entire Arizona? Their extermination is the result of people using too much pesticide which, by the way, is strong  enough to wipe out entire insects population and in same time makes spider venom 5 times stronger and deadlier than usual!!! So, let’s have little overview  of entire situation. Human race (at least the one populating Arizona) has exterminated trillions of insects using plain pesticide and now they are facing the  rage of mutant super-spiders? Ok, now we can continue. Mayor Connors (played by Roy Engel) is interested in only 3 things: booze, upcoming county fair (which  brings him financial safety) and more booze. Despite objection of still annoying Dr Diane, he orders entire area to be sprayed with more pesticide from a  plane. I think such decision will come back to bite his ass. But spiders still have their word in this. Same as Walter, they ambushed pilot in the plane  before he even managed to spray some of pesticide onto spider nests. If you thought that pilots are tough, real men, you won’t be convinced in this after  watching this pilot panicking, screaming and crying like a little girl. For the coup de grace he navigated his plane to a local gas station. Well, at least he  took some spiders with him.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x176zgx_wow-what-an-exit

Wow what an exit!!!

It is time for spiders to conquer the town. Full scale invasion! They are taking one by one resident. First one to die is Birch Colby. Even a gun didn’t  help her. Next one is Terry Hansen, who gave heroically gave her life while saving her daughter Linda from spider attack. Well, Rack now can be sure which  woman to choose. Mayor also died somewhere but I doubt he even felt spider bites due to enormous level of alcohol in his body. General panic on the streets.  A lot of people dead. How comes that no one even thought to just get in their car and drive out of town is beyond me. The only ones who managed to stay alive  are Emma Washburn, Diane, Rack, Linda and old tourist couple (who proved to be quite resourceful). They barricaded themselves in one of Emma’s cabin. After  the invasion was over all that was left of town is a drawing of entire town being wrapped up in spider web.

A lot of web needed for this guy                                        A lot of spider web needed for this guy.

Conclusion: This is not a horror. This is rather silly movie. People could have get killed by spiders only by standing and doing nothing. Spiders, on the  other hand, are crawling with their natural slow speed but move much faster when off-screen. Many of them were stomped during making this movie. I don’t know who has jurisdiction over arachnids’ rights but I hope someone had faced consequences. The most annoying thing in this movie is not Shatner (his role of  cowboy here often goes from non-acting to overacting), nor the spiders, but Diane Ashley who is entomologist with split personality consisted of string of  clichés, which are characteristic for so many of the heroines of the 70s. But this movies has one good side: If you suffer of Arachnophobia, you will lose  your fear of spiders after watching this movie.

Invaders From Mars (1986)

Posted: 11/11/2013 in Trash movies
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This movie is remembered as a beloved classic of the genre by people who grew up in the 80es but the truth is much different, this is a prime example of horrible remaking culture that runs rampant even these days (you might even say now more than ever). Here is a short guide to Tobe Hooper’s desecrating of a great 50es SF film.

You are impressed already, aren’t you?

First thing first- aliens arrive in what resembles a GIANT DISCO BALL!!! Didn’t see that one coming. Kid (scientist 80es kid, you know the kind) follows it with a expression that seems lifted straight from Troll 2. He tries to convince his parents of the phenomena and after display of mind- numbingly horrible acting by all three people he finally goes back to bed. In the morning everything is strangely different, his father starts acting out of character and the boy notices strange carving on his neck. It doesn’t take long for the strange behavior to spread on his mother too and David seeks refuge in the last place anyone would look- school! Unfortunately he catches one of his old teachers eating a frog- normally used for dissecting and it becomes painfully clear that she is infected too. Scared for his life he finds a shelter in the offices of the school nurse, confuse looking blond woman.

The old lady just doing her thing!

After some back and forth the kid successfully convinces the nurse of his UFO experience and strange effects it had on people. Now alien teacher tries to catch David again but he uses oportunity and runs away- unfortunately he hides himself in her car, so he didn’t realy make it easy on himself. He fallows the teacher into new-found holes in the Copper Hill and then firsthandedly sees bizarre alien creatures and their master, creature that looks like a cross between of Krang of TMNT and human penis. After a bit more horrible acting by the kid aliens finally notice he’s there and he is forced to run for his life.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x172juv_invaders-from-mars_fun

He menages to find the the Nurse who starts panicking even more than he does. They decide that there’s only one place they can hide- the school!? Anyway police (also alien controled) finds them in something like 5 minutes and the go in hiding in the basement/ boiling room. That doesn’t actually work so they hug echother waiting for death or even worse- assimilation! But just as they were about to say goodbye cruel world the alien digging machine Spears out of nowhere and they use the ruskus to escape. Nurse finally freaks out almost Nick Cage style but boy starts yelling irritatingly “General Wilson” and they head straight for local army base. It turns out David’s father worked for the military and that’s enough to grant them entrance (a bit imbecilyc but at least it gets as to the third act and thus closer to the end of the movie).

Invaders.From.Mars.(1986).XviD.AC3._LoaD.avi_003124746Still a better love story than Twilight!

David spills the beans on whole alien invasion thing and after some convincing General accepts a little boy’s claims (yes, just that!) Military disposes of the aliens that infiltrated their base andt he ugly truth comes to light – Aliens decided to invade us to stop the launching on the rocket to Mars that would prove their existence- o boy, o boy, those as some stupid ass Martians! In an epic scene we see military cleaning up the town including their destruction of the Elementary School (which is hilarious as it gets). Bunch of soldiers end up sucked into the Copper Hill and General seems surprisingly emotive about it. Anyway the unit confronts the alien in their tunnels but scientist insists on interacting with them- then he gets disintegrated! They kill the first two aliens, then go ahead- an soon enough kill another two that look just the same as the first one… I’m starting to doubt that they made only two costumes for the whole movie- that’s retarded but you have to take into the consideration that this is Cannon film and that goes with the territory.

But I just want to talk!

Faced with possible anihilation the boy does only thing he can (after pleading with the creatures)- he knocks down Krang who then runs away! Then he focuses all his attention not on his parents (that could possobly still be saved) but on the Nurse who somehow ended up captured and almost brainwashed. Finally everything blows up, Krang escapes in the disco ball and David’s parents keep chasing him until the aliend influence is finaly broken. And then… it turns out everything was just a dream. Or was it?  IT WASN’T! THE END

Invaders.From.Mars.(1986).XviD.AC3._LoaD.avi_002349930Somewhere on Mars, right this moment Krang is plotting his return…

Verdict: The whole movie lays squerly on the sholder of the young man playing David (because the whole story is seen basically from his perspective and his performance should give gravitas to the whole fantastic scenario) and his acting is so far beyond fail, that he invented new levels of failure just for this movie. The only thing that could be even remotely seen as areedeming quality of this movies are it’s creature effect by always great Stan Winstone and his studio, even thou design is a bit more cartoony and absurdist than regular it still oozes  with originality and technical prowess.

STAN WINSTON, the only good thing about this movie!

Advice: If you really want to watch a quality ( a quite psychedelic) movie with a ludicrous plot like this, just find the original from the 50’s- hell, let me help you, here it is! It will help you forget the 80’s version in no time.

Evil Clown Tribute: Wake-Up-Juice! (2013)

Posted: 24/10/2013 in Trash movies, Tribute
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After bombarding you with clown content we decided to round thing up with a nice little short that involves a computer hacker forced to face  three assassins including a killer clown  who come after him. Film is directed by Tyler Bohlman and stars the new bearded Martial Arts sensation (taking reigns from Bob Wall and Roy Horan) Eric Jacobus, known to you most likely as  Stryker form Mortal Kombat: Legacy series.

WARNING: SCENES OF EXTREME AND GORY VIOLENCE BELLOW!

Clownhouse (1989)

Posted: 21/10/2013 in Trash movies
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For reasons known only to them, MGM had decided to make another evil clowns flick, one year after their (in)famous Killer Klowns From Outer Space. But unlike the said movie, Clownhouse is neither fun nor watchable. Nor worth of remembering.

This cheap attempt of exploitation of people’s fear of clowns starts on one windy night, in front of “American dream” house. But wind is not the only present there. There is also a human doll hanging of the tree. Inside the house, in one of the rooms, 10 years old kid Casey (played by Nathan Forrest Winters) wakes up, walks to one of the windows, sees hanging doll followed by piece of paper with clown drawn onto it and wets his pants. But wait! It was just a dream.  Well, except wetting part. He did wet his bed. And not for the first time. It seems that such thing happens to him often since his nerdy looking brother  Geoffrey (played by Brian McHugh) already possesses a routine in disposing of the evidences. But not this morning! Their oldest brother Randy (played by Sam  Rockwell) storms in the room, thus discovering a nasty deed of Casey. As it always happens, the oldest brother is usually the biggest jerk and bully. Anyway, all three of them are about to go together to local circus that evening. Somewhere along the way they see several police cars with sirens on driving in  haste. Their remark “Trouble at a nuthouse…Where the crazy people live” accurately reflects their IQ and state of mind.

Yard decorationYard decoration.

Later that evening they visited a fat guy dressed like one-eyed woman fortune teller. (S)he predicts great danger for all of them, and especially for Casey.  Bad for her as well since they stormed out of her tent without paying for her services (not that kind of services). I bet she didn’t see that coming!!! So  much about her foretelling powers. Anyway, Casey was really shaken after that which resulted in his freaking out in front of entire town because Cheezo,  Bippo and Dippo clowns wanted to play with him. And similar thing had happened a year before. That kid sure hates clowns. And for some reason that was the  end of the show.

Now who would find this funnyNow, who would find this funny?

But Cheezo, Bippo and Dippo must be punished for their crime! Soon after the show, while they were doing some gay talk and heavy drinking, three escaped  mental patients had sneaked in, brutally slaughtered them (of course, good people from MGM didn’t bother to show us actual act of killing, despite the fact  this was supposed to be a horror movie), and stole their costumes. While wandering around dressed like clowns they had finally stumbled upon the house of our 3 stooges. And as you could take guess, they have been left completely alone in house, while their parents were somewhere on party. People among you that  were lucky enough to not watch this movie (oh how I envy them) are now probably guessing that, at this very point, the real horror is going to take a place.  That’s so naive of you to think that MGM would do such logical thing. In next half an hour or so, barely anything is happening. Evil clowns are walking  through the house completely unnoticed (with a short leave of absence to kill a store clerk), Randy being a jerk and bully as usual (also he dressed himself  as a clown so he could scare his younger brothers), Casey’s hallucinations, Geoffrey being a pathetic nerd and doing nothing.

This kid has some serious mental problemsThis kid has some serious mental problems!

Our boys have finally noticed that there are clowns in their house exactly one hour after the movie had started (don’t get your hopes up – this movie is not  going to be more interesting). First one to spot escaped mental patients was Randy. Too bad for him since he died a minute after that, while still dressed as a clown. Well, he got what he asked for. Can’t really say I am sorry, neither. Kid was demented jerk. Geoffrey and Casey find Randy’s corpse hanging in front of house. Casey freaks out as usual and Geoffrey is trying to calm him down. And what would be better way to chill out than dragging corpse of your brother  and putting it in closet (?!). Now it is time for revenge. Evil Bippo (played by Byron Weible) and evil Dippo (played by David C. Reinecker) are about to get their asses kicked by two 10 years old. One gets killed by Casey and the other one gets thrown out of a window. Now, I know people get adrenalin rush when  they are in danger but it is still hard for me to believe that two 10 years old kids could throw full grown 120 kg madman like that. Still, it had happened.  Eventually, evil Cheezo (played by Tree) gets an axe into his back while fighting with Casey. And that is the end of this horror.

?

Conclusion: I can’t believe that movie about escaped mental patients dressed like murdering clowns can be so boring. Unlike Killer Klowns From Outer Space,  MGM tried here to be more realistic and serious. The only serious thing here is how seriously they had failed. Even a base set up wasn’t completely correct.  Most of the time kids are as deranged as escaped mental patients (and that is not due to fear). I am not sure how Victor Salva (writer and director of this movie) imagines realistic horror. I guess he is few clowns short of a circus.

Trivia: Victor Salva was such a pervert that he went to jail guilty of child sex abuse before this movie was even released. On the other hand, that didn’t stop him from directing a commercial success Powder for Walt Disney’s studios  only 3 years after his release. See children, Disney is always on the side of evil. 

Worse News: Nevermore (directed by Stuart Gordon)!

Posted: 17/10/2013 in Worse News
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NevermoreHynesJeffrey Combs is NEVERMORE? Right on!

Just as we were talking about the genius that is Jeffrey Combs we found out about a new and exiting project featuring non other than Mr. Combs himself.  The project is low budget biopic of Edgar Alan Poe that reunites Mr. Combs with his Re-Animator director Stuart Gordon! The only thing missing is the producer Brian Yuzna (but I wouldn’t be too surprised if he showed up too). They started the campaign on Kickstarter some days ago so if you want to donate and make this film a reality you can do that right here, right now. Campaign fittingly ends on Halloween.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

Posted: 14/10/2013 in Trash movies
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The movie starts with MGM logo soon fallowed with a deranged song about clowns and you know right away this you’re in for one  weird experience tonight. The music then changes into smooth jazz and then we see a parking lot with a bunch of teenagers making out. Some idiots brothers show up and try to sell them icescream in the middle of the night interrupting them and they almost miss the falling star because of it too. Only the falling star is not star at all- it’s a spaceship!

killer_klowns_from_outer_space_movie_poster_horror_comedy_reviewNo Icecream? Oh, the horror!

Two of the teenagers,  Mike Tobacco and his girl Debbie find the ship that is also a Circus tent (and it already claimed it’s first victim- the crazy old man. He doesn’t find anything strange in the fact that there’s a circus in the middle of the forest and decides that it must be of the more avant-garde European ones- (as someone living in Europe I can assure you that circuses are pretty much the same wherever you go). Anyway two of them start exploring the ship until they run into one of the aliens… I mean clowns and then they finally figure out that something is wrong.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space 1988 DVDRip XviD AC3 - KINGDOM.avi_000497622

He wasn’t expecting this… on the other hand who would?

Evil clown starts chasing them, hunting them with his dog made out of balloon. They do the reasonable thing and hit him with a car but that doesn’t really stop him. If anything it seemingly motivates all the clowns to come down from the woods and have some fun in the city And what fun they had!

They are all set for night of clowning around!

One of them played in the drugstore, another made a street puppet show, one surprised an old lady with a present and my favorite one made friends with a biker gang (*see below). In the meantime Mike and Debbie report a murder and try to explain the treat of the clowns to the police- as you can guess that doesn’t go so well. Young blond cop Dave Hanson  (also Debbie’s ex- boyfriend) finally accepts that something funny is going on (no pun intended) and goes to investigate but the old officer decides stays in the station and is firm in his decision to ignore multiple distress calls from over town (and his other decision to get drunk while doing so). When Mike and Dave return to the station in hope of reasoning with the officer they find  out that  he is already dead and one of the clowns even uses him as a hand puppet.Truly bizarre! In the meantime the others of the merry gang of aliens are busy storing human bodies into cotton candy cocoons– so they can drink their blood later- yes it seems the title was not really precise one, it should be Vampire Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

Clown walks into a drugstore, you know that one, right?

Clowns making friends everywhere they go!

I love this scene!

They finally organize picking up the irritating brothers with an ice-cream truck in the way and fallow clown all the way to a deserted amusement park where they finally confront them. Also idiot brothers menage to have sex with two of the female clowns somehow!!! Anyway it turns out they were way over their heads. Just when they finally think they got away cleverly using an ice cream truck as a distraction a GIANT KILLER KLOWN shows up and starts causing a ruckus. Irritating brothers explode into nothingness (finally!) but the rest of them find a way out and get out of the tent in the last possible seconds before tent becomes a flying saucer and goes away. Ship lifts up a bit but then explodes in the way of pretty purple fireworks. Small clown car crashes from the sky and the irritating brothers WHO JUST DIED MINUTES AGO come out of it with some imbecilic explanation and the movie ends- a lot worse than it began,

And now enjoy this extraordinary song from the Killer Klowns OST (by The Dickies), it makes as much sense as the movie itself!

Verdict: I could easily envision Tim Burton directing a remake of this film, one bit more streamlined story-wise and definitely more epic visually. Someone like him could pull this off even in his sleep. Chiodo who directed this one- not so much. But don’t get me wrong, with all its faults  this is still one hell of an entertaining flick but if you want to watch one evil clown movie- I would still probably recommend TV adaptation of Stephen King’s IT. But this one is solid second place!

Trivia: The Chiodo Brother are currently working on the sequel titled Return of the Killer Klowns from Outer Space in 3D, targeted for 2015 release.

Flying Saucers over Hollywood (The Plan 9 from Outer Space Companion)

Posted: 09/10/2013 in Tribute
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Tribute to Nabwana I.G.G. the Ed Wood of Uganda

Posted: 30/09/2013 in Tribute
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WakaliwoodPeople in Wakaliwood get all the fun!

Now, sometimes you stumble upon a true  jewel of a B- movie filmmaking like it was the case with Fatal Deviation  but never did a random trailer on the internet open the door to the whole parallel universe of film-making like in this case. I’m talking of course of Ramon Film Production’s TEBAATUSASULA!

“COOMING SOON!”

Yes, Uganda has a movie industry! Yes, Uganda has strong genre- Action and Horror movie industry (called Wakaliwood)! And- all thanks to one man- Nabwana I.G.G. producer/ writer/ director and editor working out of slums of Uganda. In this age of “I can’t” this man proved you all wrong and he’s been doing it for 7 years non- stop. This self- taught filmmaker started his career with one course in computer repair ( he didn’t have funds for 6 months proper course) after which he used his new found knowledge to BUILD HIMSELF A COMPUTER out of spare parts he found!!! Then he slowly though himself the use of editing software and thus legend was born. Soon enough he founded RAMON FILM PRODUCTION- the name derived from the names of the  important ladies in his life- his grandmothers  RAchel and MONica who raised him through the hardships of Uganda’s Civil War.

Short part of documentary on Wakaliwood and Nabwana I.G.G.

He’s first big success came with Who Killed Captain Alex, first Action- fest ever produced in Uganda! His business became to bloom and he would in the year to come permanently abandon his teaching job and dedicate himself to movie making full time. Over the years he would gather a tight team of actors (who he trained himself ’cause Uganda doesn’t posses an Acting School), stuntman, martial artist, prop master and together they would travel to  all parts of  Uganda to shoot new projects and also distribute their DVD’s on local markets (not being able to pay actors he lets them keep 50% of the DVDs they sell). RFP as of now produced over 35 feature films including such hits as Who Killed Captain Alex, Rescue Team, Canibals and Return of Unkle Bennon! His films are even slowly making ways among the Ugandan upper class, which can be further confirmed by inclusion of English subtitles in his newest DVDs.

As it is a custom in slums of Uganda movie is presented by a Video Jokey, a narrator, comedian, and slum tour guide!

So, the next time you feel something is impossible or unattainable take a moment and think of Nabwana I.G.G.- then stop whining and start working on your dream! That’s all.

MV5BMjA1ODMxNDA3Ml5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMzk1MjE3NwThis man loves his job!

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