Believe it or not, the time has come for the Sharkado to hit again- in New York non the less! Film officialy starts shooting next week and the full cast has finally been reveled. Beside the series regulars Ian Ziering and ( even more washed up whore) Tara Reid, we have some new faces joining our shark- repellant team of misfits. Epic people like Mark McGrath (great surname), Andy Dick (even better one!), Ozzy’s abomination of a daughter Kelly Osbourne and last but not least Vivica A. Fox who’s career seemingly went down the drain so much that she needs some shark on tornado action to get her going again. On the other hand when actors like Michael Jai White (The Dark Knight, Black Dynamite, Arrow) decide to roll with Asylum (Android Cop anyone?) maybe that is a sign that bad movies finally won and no one realized just yet.
Whatever you do- do not look behind!
Anyway, if something is sure, that’s death, taxes and the fact that we’ll all watch Sharknado 2: The Second One premiere in July on SyFy. Until then!
Let’s get one thing straight right now: In the following review not a single word is made up or events from the movie are altered in any way. Furthermore, I am almost sure that I will fail in attempts to describe madness of certain scenes. By that I mean that there aren’t many words which could give precise insight into such level of insanity, madness, sickness, twisted humor, and mind fuck this movie provides. So let’s get ready for mind aptitude test and close view of final chapter in Re-Animator saga – Beyond Re-Animator!!!
Beginning takes us 13 years before events in the movie had happened. On one stormy night young Howard (played by Tommy Dean Musset) is with his friend in small tent located in his yard, telling a ghost stories. They think they heard something so they rush into the house. Meanwhile, Howard’s sister Emily (played by Barbara Elorrietta) is in the kitchen drinking milk. Why is that detail important? Because it was first Brian Yuzna’s mistake (out of many others) who is both director and producer of this movie. You see, Emily is drinking from a milk carton with screw-on cap on it. In 1990., when this scene is set, such type of milk carton didn’t even exist. Only with folding spout. Ok, back to movie now. She also thinks she heard someone and leaves a kitchen in order to investigate. She is crossing the living room (where we can also notice reflection of cameraman in large wall mirror for the entire scene; Yuzna’s second mistake in only first 3 minutes of the movie) and gets surprised by her brother. Both of them were relieved. But not for long. Zombie (well, re-animated corpse, to be more precise) suddenly appears from nowhere. He tosses away Howard and nerdy looking kid, and focuses his attention directly to Emily. No, it is not what you think. Remember, living impaired don’t have sexual needs. Zombie kills Emily by smashing her head of the wall and then drinks her milk. How many more lives will be lost in milk feuds, I wonder? Anyway, before poor zombie managed to finish his milk police officers comes in and blow his head off. “Who called the police?”, I hear you asking. Well, police weren’t there because of Emily and Howard. No, they were there because of none other than Dr. Herbert West (played by legendary Jeffrey Combs of course). They are placing him under arrest after causing Miskatonic University Massacre. So he is still alive. No one have bothered to explain how the fuck did he manage to survive collapsing of entire house on him in previous movie (Bride of Re-Animator). Nevermind that now. Important thing is that he is alive and still re-animating. Young Howard finds special green mixture used for re-animating. Mad Dr. West probably lost it while he was taken into police car. Zoom onto West’s pride face on the backseat of police vehicle and that’s the moment when well-known intro credits start.
A trophy!!!
13 years later Dr. West is still serving his sentence in jail. He looks almost the same but acts more creppy and insane (yeah, that’s possible). And the fact that he has been incarcerated for so long time doesn’t stop him from continuing with his re-animation experiments. But he is short of corpses so he is using a rats. And what he is doing with all those rats? He electrocutes them, of course and takes notes afterwards. Hm what he has been up to now? His experiment is interrupted by dumb-looking Sergeant Moncho (played by Lolo Herrero). He brought new work assignment papers to Dr. West (in that scene we can see boom mic inside Dr. West’s cell; another Yuzna’s goof). And he learned a new word. Dubious. Anyway, what that new work assignment might be? Apparently, brilliant young doctor (played by Jason Barry) has chose to work at prison clinic. His name is Howard Phillips (as in Howard Phillips Lovecraft). But why did he choose this workplace if he was so brilliant? Warden Brando (played by Simon Andreu) asked him the same question. Same as hot reporter Laura (played by Elsa Pataky) who happened to be there because of interview with horny, psychotic Brando who enjoys electrocuting people. Howard has given them some inconclusive answer. Doesn’t matter since we are going to find out soon his true motives. One of the prisoners called Moses (played by Nico Baixas) has suffered a heart attack and has been transported to prison ambulance where Howard meets Dr. West. After a brief talk over the Moses’ corpse (yeah, not even 5 minutes at job and Howard already managed to lose patient) we find out that Howard is big fan of Dr. West and his work in the field of re-animating and he wants them to work together. As even the dumbest among our readers have already guessed, Dr. Howard is none other than young Howard who lost his sister Emily 13 years ago. He even kept DR. West’s re-agent he had found that night for all those years. And they are going to use it on late Moses corpse. So basically, we got ourselves here two mad doctors. Of course, poor Moses turned feral and attacked them. Still no progress in re-animating. But wait… Best is yet to come.
Mad scientist in prison again!
While Moses has been locked in the box and beaten up by sick warden Brando, both of our mad doctors/scientists are conducting research. Dr. Howard provided everything Dr. West needs for his experiments. Dr. West believes he has found a way to restore rational behavior to re-animated people. But he doesn’t tell us how. Yet. On the other side, searching a way to cope with pressure, Dr. Howard managed to pick up horny Laura. During the first sex scene in Re-animator trilogy we can briefly see the reflection of a crewmember’s hand in a large mirror located above the bed in which Laura and Howard were making love.
Now, do you remember the rat Dr. West had electrocuted? Well it was the pet of another prisoner, some badass Mexican guy called Cabrera (played by Erneique Arce). Cabrera will have West’s ass if he doesn’t give him his rat back. Alive. Having no choice nor much time Dr. West decides to re-animate rat using his (in)famous re-agent. Of course, Dr. Howard, who is a bit gay for West, provided all ingredients necessary for making a shitloads of green liquid. As it always happens rat turns feral with supernatural strength. Now the second part – restoring RATional behavior. Here is how they are going to do it.
You see, when you die, last thing you see stays on the back of your retina, kind of like a photograph. According to Dr. West, he found a way to store that memory in small device called nano-plasma, in form of electric impulse (which he did earlier while electrocuting the rat). And not only that. It also tells the cells how to grow. So, he transferred impulse back to rat’s brain and voile!!! It was success. Or at least it seems like a success. Anyway, later that day, Dr. West was happy to give Cabrera his pet back. And Mexican was glad to get it.
On the other side of prison Laura takes another grand tour through building. She sneaks in Moses’ cell wanting to get interview with him. But warden Brando finds her and gets mad. Moses attacks him and bite his ear off, in that way earning himself getting beaten up with Brando’s cane. It seems that when you lose your ear your hormones go through the roof (someone call Jeffrey Combs to check up on this) since warden tried to force Laura to blowjob. Or maybe it is just because Brando is having really heavy mental issues. Anyway, Laura refused and tried to escape but warden was faster and strangled her. You guess what comes next.
Things are starting to get out of control in every sector of prison. West and Howard had re-animated Laura (and Howard calls her Elsa; another goof). Of course, she is still mindless since they lack nano-plasma. Warden discovers their secret lab. West uses an opportunity to knock him down, electrocute him and capture his nano-plasma impulse so he can transfer it back to Laura. But it didn’t turn out to be as ideal as they would think. It seems that Laura struggles between herself and warden’s attitude. Meanwhile, in prisoners part of building, Moses managed to escape his cell, beat down Sergeant Moncho, free Cabrera who sets free the rest of the prisoners. Cabrera also tried to rape Laura (she is got something savage in her, I can tell you that) but she easily repelled him with her superhuman strength. After that she joins the riot thus commencing a complete anarchy.
Lunch time!
Wanting to conduct one last experiment Dr. West re-animates warden, leaving him tied to a table so prisoners could easily find him. But that came back to bite his ass since warden managed to knock him down and steal his bag full of re-agents. Even re-animated, warden continues to do his job. He beats up prisoners, kills Sergeant Moncho because he failed to fulfill his orders as a guard and then re-animates him. So, now warden has become the re-animator. Also, re-agent gives him a chance to fulfill his sick, twisted desires. How? He hangs prisoners all around. When they die of suffocation, he re-animates them so they suffering could be prolonged for infinite time. Man, this guy really hates crime. This is gonna hurt.
We also got answer to the question what happens when you re-animate a living person. Though, no one actually asked it but it doesn’t hurt to know. Or it does? Anyway, while Brando was enjoying in suffering of hanged prisoners, one of the remaining living prisoners, a junky called Speedball (played by Santiago Segura) stole several re-agents and injected them into himself. He got really high, I can assure you. Meanwhile, Moses has cornered slutty looking nurse Vanessa, undressed her and started eating one of her tits. No, for real! That shows what disastrous effects prison may have on some men. But that’s not the end body parts feast in this movie. Get ready now! Remember warden’s failed attempt to force Laura to blowjob. Well, he found her again and this time he had more success in making his wish come true (thus negating my theory from the beginning of this review about how living impaired people don’t have sexual needs). You got to admire that man’s libido. But not for long since Laura bites off his dick and spits it. No, really! And it seems that dick has it’s own will.
Meanwhile, Dr. West has his own problems too. Half of Cabrera’s body jumps down from the ceiling and attacks him. Thanks to Yuzna’s “brilliant” production we can see the shadow of actor’s legs on the left wall. Great fight commenced. Half of the man overpowers West easily. Eventually, mad doctor triumphs by throwing poor half-man far, far away. Is that really a way to win a fight against handicapped man?
Progressive madness as we are coming near to an end. Dr. West finds Speedball and tries to get his re-agents back. Speedball really seems to did overdose since he exploded. But he is still alive. Without a complete front skin that is. Dr. West used an opportunity to retrieve re-agents and Speedball’s eye. I don’t need to tell you what does he intend to do with it.
Dr. Howard fights his battle with much stronger Laura. It was almost certain that he is going end up dead but eventually he managed to cut off her head. So that settles everything, right? Wrong! Aren’t you forgetting someone? Warden is still alive. But now he has become a crab. Or at least he moves that way. Dr. West engages in fight with him for one more, last time. And even that is not a fair fight. Cabrera’s half of body flies into the room (I only don’t know how). Dr. West, who is really pissed off in this moment, strikes it back in manner of professional basebal player using the warden’s cane as a bat. Now it is time to finish job. He electrocutes warden one more time, this time on electric chair, cracking out one more one-liner: “This experiment is over”. HA! Who says that scientists can’t be action heroes! Entire fight was spectated by warden’s dick and rat.
Audience
By the time S.W.A.T. team arrived Dr. Howard has already lost his mind. Dr. West used Howard’s new founded insanity to steal his ID card, leave a prison by introducing himself as Dr. Howard Phillips, leaving a poor, young doctor to laugh loudly together with Laura’s decapitated head. So, this time Herbert West is alive for sure at the end of movie.
Happy end?
Conclusion: I don’t know what I could possibly have to add here. Such madness can’t be seen even in most of Troma films. This looks like someone had Ed Wood re-animated. Apart of Jeffrey Combs, who plays Dr. West as best as he can, overall acting is tragic. Same goes for production. I don’t remember a movie who got so many goofs. Even budget was higher than in previous two parts when put together this sequel is the worst in franchise. It is simple – Yuzna shouldn’t be allowed to direct. Special effects and make up done by Screaming Mad George are decent but got lost in sea of bad production, repeating plot, severed dicks, flying torsos and eaten tits… But, despite all above mentioned, Re-Animator trilogy is far superior than Lord of the Rings trilogy, Indiana Jones trilogy and original Star Wars trilogy combined!!! And, I am going to repeat conclusion from my review of Bride of Re-Animator… When I die I still don’t want to be RE-ANIMATED!!!
P.S. For all of you wrestling fans out there here is a little treat for you:
Now, when you say MARVEL movie you are probably thinking of mega successful Iron Man trilogy or even more successful The Avengers but the truth of the mater is- Marvel movies were laughing stock of ar movie industry for years. Between barely animated cartoons, horrible TV shows (Spider-man and Hulk I’m looking at you) and occasional low- budget disaster it took couple of decades and New Line Cinema’s Blade (featuring minor comicbook character) to turn the tide. After that FOX decided to put some money into making of X-Men and Spidey franchises and the rest is history.
And now we get to what interests us, the most obscure thing from the Dark Age of Marvel Movie Universe- The Fantastic Four! No, not FOX’s Fantastic Four from 2005 (although that’s kinda bad too) but original Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four from 1992. You never heard of it? Strange- because trailer was attached to your copy of Carnousaur (and don’t tell me you don’t have VHS/ DVD of Carnosaur please). Anyway, the only reason for this film’s existence is the fact that the company that owned movie rights to FF, had to make a movie of forfeit that rights. They didn’t really feel like spending a bunch of money of a comicbook/ SF flick but they still wanted to keep rights (’cause you never know)- so they decided to play it smart and hire Roger Corman to produce incredibly lo-fi version of film (without ever telling him that they don’t really plan on releasing it, like EVER).
So this came down in history as the only Corman film never released but the producer made a deal with MARVEL, they agreed to pay for the movie (securing it never sees a light of day), ended up with a profit of few million and everybody walked away happy. Except for Corman, who’s still pissed about it. Of course bootleg copy eventually find it’s way online and you can finally uncover the mystery of Fantastic Four right here on WM.
Movie starts with young Reed Richards and his best pal Victor Von Doom (who wouldn’t want a friend with a name like that) breaking into some science facility (by all accounts located on their campus) and using the passing of a comet for some kind of god awful experiment. Of course as things go awry and Doom gets electrocuted and seemingly dies. This shutters Reed by somehow he recovers in no time. Then we find out that he’s living in a boarding house with a mother of two young children Sue Johnny Storm (interesting).
We flash forward to the future- the 90’s (yes the 90’s)! Reed and his new pal Ben Grimm (hope nothing bad happens to this one) are finishing up work on some experimental, crystal powered space- craft. They need skills astronauts to accompany them but Reed being genius that he is decides to take his old friends the Storms for a ride! Now imagine this- strange man that lived in your place in his collage years comes out of nowhere one morning and offers to take your children (now teenagers) to space! Just because. Mother being stupid enough to give housing to this dangerous man accepts to help him potentially kill her children and all is set to go.
“FANTASTIC FOUR”
Reed being a cool cat that he is, dedicates the mission to his “dead” friend Doom and off they go. Spacecraft malfunctions because the Jewler (knock- off of more famous FF villain Mole Man) steals their fuel- the crystal and replaces it with a cheap knock- off ( how appropriate). Not only do they crash land (which is strange because the ship clearly exploded to pieces)- they menage to get seriously irradiated by “cosmic rays”. Somehow they survive and soon they discover they’ve been mysteriously granted an amazing powers.
Now I see you, now I can’t!
They don’t really get to explore their new found powers because they end up captured by Victor’s man. They eventually get the hang of their powers enough to escape them and regroup back at their base- the baxter building! Only Ben Grimm decides to leave horrified with the fact that he became a rock monster (probably the only decently done FX job in the whole movie). Next we see the Thing staggering the streets, seemingly trying to score a hooker (not sure that could end well).
Thing and his new lady friend
Doom confronts the Jewler because he needs the crystal to finally capture the power of the comet (he still can’t get that behind him after all these years). It turns out he gave the jewel to blind artist Alicia Masters (who he also lovingly kidnapped to be his bride). Now Alicia is of course not impressed with Jewler and his horde of underground dwelling hobos- she likes Ben Grimm even thou he destroyed some of her artwork (or maybe even because of it). Doom, angry, seizes the diamond for himself and threatens to kill Alicia, and then out of nowhere Grimm comes barging in trying to stop him! …and the (I kid you not) HE REVERTS BACK TO HIS HUMAN FORM! You know, the form he can tragically never reclaim! It his one movie Corman and co destroy the whole concept of this truly compelling character and made him into the Hulk Lite (and as Coca Cola Light showed us- nothing Lite is ever good).
Doom is a Gangsta!
Anyway, he menages to Thing- out again couple minutes later but it’s already too late. Doom captures him, the girl and takes them with the famed crystal back to his home country of Latveria in Eastern Europe. He must have had some superior means of transportation because they are in his castle in about a minute- already draining the Thing of his cosmic power. This already looks a lot like the original incident that nearly killed him- but some people never learn. The rest of a Fantastic Four decide is the right time and after they get themselves a nifty costumes they come to save their peer.They kinda fail, at least at first and get captured (and drained ofc). Mr. Fantastic finally uses his elongating powers to escape and bring fight to Doom. What’s fascinating is how Doom with all that might and resorses (coupled with scientific brilliance) still uses and old fashion gun- a luger pistol as his primary weapon.Then doom launches the rocket that could supposedly bring the end of the world as we now it but in scenes ripped directly form old Fleischer’s Superman cartoons from the ’40 Johnny Storm now Human Torch stops it.
Directly lifted from Superman: The Mad Scientist (1941)
In the final Doom decides to commit suicide just to further torture the Mr.Fantastic, who doesn’t seem all that bothered and soon marries his sweetheart Sue and presumably lives happily ever after.
Verdict: People complain that super-hero movies of today (notably Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy and Snyder’s Man of Steel) are too dark and grim, too serious but God damn imagine if comicbook movies reverted back into this- now that would be a true horror!
Trivia 1: The legend of this movie became so big that it finally got it’s own documentary DOOMED: The Untold Story of Roger Corman’s “The Fantastic Four”. You can see the trailer bellow.
Trivia 2: Depending on who you ask, our country Serbia is a neighbor/part of Latveria, the land on evil genius and monarch Victor Von Doom.You can see the proof straight out of Secret Avengers comicbook (by Warren Ellis and Alex Maleev) right here.
Some films are cool, some films are funny, this film- THIS FILM IS PURE FUCKIN’ PERFECTION!
Every movie that has uzi- wielding Valkira deserves our support!
With it’s foundation in 80’s Cop Films, Kung Fu and vintage video games Laser Unicorn studio present us the KUNG FURY!
David Sandberg (also Johhny Depp look- alike) is the director and eponymous hero, Joanna Häggblom is “Viking Babe”, Leopold Nilsson “Hacker Man” and Andreas Cahlins is the “Thor”. Kickstart campaign is destroying all the records and if you want to join in on the fun be free to do that here.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 16,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 6 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.
Never change a winning team. That rule obviously was a guiding star for good (and not very bright) people from MGM. So they paired up themselves once again with sure-to-be-success Chuck Norris. I don’t know if this was success but I do know that this movie is one of the most idiotic and illogical craps MGM ever made. With shitloads of decent action. Well, I am sorry, but decent action alone, even when performed by Chuck Norris, is just not merely enough.
As intro, we see a giant neon sign (I don’t know what it says since it has Chinese letters on it) in front of which several silhouettes are showing their martial arts skills. That lasts for about 2 minutes, giving you some time to prepare for incoming brain raping. Brain raping starts with Chuck Norris monologue about his comeback to Los Angeles. He doesn’t seem to be happy about that. Anyway, he parks his car in front of some big mansion. His name is Josh Randall and he works as a security guard in David Paschal’s casino. And sometimes he takes part-time job as debts collector. Like now, for example. So, when owner of that mansion refuses to pay his debt to Randall’s boss things turn to be ugly. Randall beats the hell out of every single bodyguard in mansion, occasionally cracking out unfunny remarks and collects the money eventually. Nothing unpredictable when Chuck Norris is about.
Job is over and it is time for Randall to go back home. On his flight back to Hong Kong we learn from his monologue and visions of the past that he is orphan adopted by Chinese Jewish family. I must admit I have some difficulties picturing that even with Randall’s vision of his Chinese father dressed as Rabin. Oh well. After giving debt money to his boss David Paschal (played by Frank Michael Liu) Chuck returns to his regular duties in casino which include sending home thieve black jack dealer without his pants! And putting an end on attempt of casino vault robbery, but that is not much important. Between undressing disobedient employees and stopping a robberies Chuck likes to relax on his boat-house with his girlfriend. What can I say, the man got it all. Or at least he had it until the moment when Sam Paschal (played by David Opatoshu), a man who employed him and to who Randall is very loyal, decided to refuse business offer from certain Mr Stan Raimondi (played by Michael Cavanaugh). Nothing strange considering Raimondi’s power of persuasion. “Expand or die”, he said to Sam. It is hardly to believe that anyone sane would accept business offer described in such way. But tricky part is that Sam’s son David has led casino to bankruptcy with illegal gambling and betting. And he owes a big one to Raimondi. So it is casinos war. I don’t know how it is possible since casinos aren’t even allowed in Hong Kong. All of that resulted in Raimondi having killed David and Sam. Randall found their bodies and displayed Chuck Norris style emotions.
Stone cold
Randall decides to protect Sam’s daughter who is third co-owner of Lucky Dragon casino. Her name is Joy Pashcal (played by Camila Griggs). Don’t miss the scene where he comes to take her and meets his own gay version (played by Richard Norton). I don’t know what was James Fargo’s (director) idea since that was the only scene where Richard Norton shows up. Maybe he wanted to see how Chuck Norris would look like in underpants? Who would know? Anyway, Randall takes Joy to his boat-house. His girlfriend Claire (played by Mary Louise Weller) seems to didn’t like that idea a bit. Quite understanding since Joy is pretty hot. Well, she’ll have to live with it (or her, for that matter). As soon as Randall got to boat he got arrested under suspicion of killing David and Sam. Of course, one phone call and he is back on the street. Epilogue of that is Inspector Kek (played by Jimmy Shaw) got beaten up by Randall. So much about no one being above the law. Being unwilling to risk someone sinking his boat-house Chuck decides to hide two ladies in a hotel room. It turns out that it wasn’t smartest idea to do since thugs have found them a moment they stepped in. Chuck shoots his way through (yeah shoots; you can’t see many movies where Chuck is using firearms) incoming waves of hired scum. Eventually, he hides Joy and Claire at his friend LeRoy Nicely’s (played by Bob Minor) house (that looks more like budoar to me, with it’s naked Asian chicks and such). Leroy is also Chuck’s ex-army buddy. You can’t go wrong with ex-veterans.
It turned out that it wasn’t smart idea either (WRONG AGAIN CHUCKY!). You see, while Randall was out burning homosexuals alive (true story) and interrogating old man and hookers, Raimondi’s men found ladies’ hideout. LeRoy tried to defend them but did a pretty lame job even armed with machine gun. Randall discovers that main villain is actually Stan Raimondi’s father Simon Koo. He was planning to make a new Las Vegas out of Hong Kong and Paschal family was standing on his way. Well, I hope that info was worth enough to Chuck since, when he came back to LeRoy’s place, he found Claire’s raped corpse (although we can clearly see she is breathing), Joy kidnapped and his friend lying on his deathbed. Randall tried to comfort him with words “You’ll be alright man” despite the fact that poor LeRoy had so many holes in him that he could barely breath. And yeah, Chuck displayed the same amount of emotions as when he had found Sam’s corpse.
Hot boys
So basically this turn out to be avenging movie. Randall wasn’t so pissed off when they killed Sam and David. He gets really pissed off only when someone is picking on his hat. And raping his girlfriend just adds an oil to fire. Now, at this point, we all know what we can expect from this movie so I am going to keep it short. Randall takes on his military uniform and goes into killing frenzy. Firearms and martial arts – Chuck combines it all. It didn’t took him long to arrive to Stan Raimondi’s yacht and killing his goons. Raimondi engages in fight with Randall (which wasn’t very well choreographed, just to add), manages to disarm his opponent with a rusty hook and meets his end when Chuck kicks him off the yacht. How? Well, one of the yacht ropes got around his neck so he ended up hanging from one side of his yacht. And even that haven’t been filmed properly since we could clearly see harness while Raimondi was hung by the neck. Such things tend to ruin your sense of reality while watching movie.
For great finale Randall goes to Simon’s mansion on a small island, killing everyone on his way. There we can see another goof of this movie. Just 30 seconds after harness scene, Randall takes out one man, then throws his knife and hits the stomach of a second man. The thread the knife travels on to that man can be seen and then it even can be seen breaking as the man falls. I really hope someone got banned from filming because of all this “little” mistakes. Anyway, let’s get done with this movie already. Randall finds Simon Koo (played by Peter Gee). He is weak, 200 years old, wheel chaired old man. After short conversation Chuck decides to spare his life (he has big heart). But on his way out Randall gets his portion of blood he came for. Raimondi’s personal bodyguard, the one who raped and killed Claire, attacked him. A bit of fighting, martial arts, silly combat, Chuck’s awesomeness and bodyguard ended up with sharp glass impaled in his throat. Joy has been saved, Simon gets committed to mental institution for his crimes (some law they have there), another Chuck’s monologue about Hong Kong, ending, credits and me being robbed of 90 minutes of my life.
Don’t be fooled! This sweet old man is evil!
Conclusion: This movie has very amateurish filming (so many goofs), awfully stupid dialogs and weak weak weak weak acting. If there were any script at all it seems that actors didn’t even bother to read it. Dialogs, same as the acting, seems to came as the movie went along. In some moments it gets unintentionally funny, which is making, otherwise beautiful, surroundings to look shameful. Chuck’s inability to show any range of emotions stronger than plain bronze statue would have shown on his place is something that, I believe, we all got used to long time ago. But what about other actors? What is their excuse? Ending is laughable at best. Seriously, I strongly recommend you to avoid watching this movie. And if someone forces you to watch it then you will have full right to apply FORCED VENGEANCE!
Nothing is ever simple. Especially in the world of B- movie making. See Spookies for example. Movie started it’s life as Twisted Souls and was shot in the summer of 1984.Directing credits were sharedby Brendan Faulkner and Thomas Doran. Now it gets weird. Some legal issues between the producers prevented final post production work from being completed and thus Twisted Souls died a slow death… Only to be RESURRECTED a year later when one of the producers hired Eugenie Joseph to direct more footage which combined with the original Twisted Souls footage became Spookies.
So the original storyline (teenagers take a wrong turn and arrive at the hunted mansion) was inter-weaved with a much older cast, crazed ancient magician trying to revive his bride and (like that’s not enought) bizzare scene of a boy looking for his birthday party (and finding DEATH instead), also- the mysterious Cat- Man that appears on and off throughout the movie seemingly serving to purpose at all.
So if you’re confused by some of the beats of the storyline, don’t worry- we are too.
Movie opens with idiotic looking boy is playing in the woods in the middle of the night for some reason. He then runs into a suspicious bearded fellow (probably a convicted rapist). After chatting for a bit the rapist leaves him be (boy is too ugly even for him) and mere seconds later gets mauled to death by the CAT-MAN! Then we cut to the Dr.Frankenstein like old man with computerized voice and German accent. He is a powerful magician Kroan looking at a (somehow) perfectly preserved corpse of his love and vows that he will bring her back to life after 75 years.
Then the camera abruptly cuts to couple of “teenagers” consisting of Italian wannabe badass, his whore girlfriend and the funny-guy. I sincerely hope to see them all dead in a mater of seconds but I’m just not that lucky. Billy is extremely happy to find some presents waiting for him in his home but he founds out that not all surprises are good surprises….
At that point teenaged and some strange grown up couples arrive at the mansion all at the same time. Despite obvious dislike for one another two groups bond over some old school Ouija board, unfortunately that doesn’t turn out to be best way to have fun either. They ask some questions that they don’t want answered like “will we leave this house alive” and soon enough the woman with 80’s hairdo turns into some kind of magically powered zombie creature that goes after the rest of them (that zombie was the original evil mastermind in the first incarnation of the film as Magician didn’t exist). Next thing you know about a million zombies come out of their graves and surround the mansion and things start looking surprisingly grim for our marry little group.
This look is actually an improvement for her!
Also the wizard Kreon menages to bring back his bride to life (just like that).I thought we needed ton of human sacrifices and stuff… it seems not. Anyway to his surprise him bride finally awake after 70 years- want’s only to be left alone and go back to being dead. Evil scientist aka Magician doesn’t seem pleased with that at all. Couples scatter and Italian dude and his ugly girlfriend decide to make out in this dire situation in some creepy- ass cellar. It goes well as any making out business in Horror movies because they get interrupted by some FARTING MUMMIES!!! No, we did not make this up. They also menage to kill them by pouring a really old wine over them- true story.
Classy European lady is abusing her husband just to find him dead. If that wasn’t enough she also gets attacked by a small goblin-like creature all the while Cat- Man enjoys the show watching it vicariously. Anyway the surviving members do manage to meet up again but it all ends up in an all out brawl between the Italian and the elderly businessman. I would call that the most ridiculous thing in this movie but man there’s just too many candidates.
The unhappy bride menages to escape raging Kroan. Some more zombies emerge (man, this mansion sure has a nice graveyard section) and unfunny comic relief somehow ends up fallowing the mysterious Chinese lady… unfortunately it turns out that she is in fact mysterious Chinese Spider Lady. She brutally murders them while the rest of the group faces the Grim Reaper (!!!) that they awoken with their fighting. They do menage to save themselves and defeat the reaper by throwing him off the room and he detonates like a small atom bomb.
That’s what you get for following a Chinese Spider Lady!
Next up the surviving members face a octopus- like creature with (horribly animated) electric tentacles and that would be the end of them if not for the Bride who finally kills Kroan by stabbing him in the forehead.That still doesn’t stop the zombie force and they keep chasing her all through the woods with a synthesizer beat that sounds like a straight lift from Michael Jackson’s Thriller. She finally sees the car at the end of the woods and desperately rushes inside. The driver menages to get past (or thru) all the zombies and she is finally free! only NOT- because the driver is in fact the mysterious Cat- Man!!! She screams. The End
In the mist of all the poor editing and spliced footage that doesn’t really work together this movie is envisioned as a Horror Comedy with a great emphasis on monster effects. Unfortunately effects are often quite pathetic , comical moments are nothing short of sad and horror bits are the real comedy here.
So, to sum it up for you nicely, the only truly good thing about this movie is a badass poster by legendary comicbook artist and illustrator Richard Corben- if movie was even half as captivating as his work we would really have something on our hands, unfortunately that is not the case.
PS If you got this far and you’re still not convinced that this is NOT a movie for you- well you can might as well give it a shot, there’s full movie over here.
As you may or may not know Hong Kong wasn’t the first to unveil a statue of legendary Martial Artist and actor Bruce Lee. That honor have the Bosnians, they unveiled it November 26, 2005, in the city of Mostar, more precisely-it’s park “Zrinjski”. Among the guest were ambassadors of China and Germany, members of a local Wushu Kung Fu club and even K-1 heavyweight champion and former Pride and UFC fighter Mirko “CroCop” Filipovic.“We will always be Muslims, Serbs or Croats” said Veselin Gatalo (Urban Movement Mostar) “But one thing we all have in common is Bruce Lee.” Touching isn’t it?
So after all of this it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Bosnians were inspired to try their own hand at making a Kung Fu masterpiece. In the end all you really need is the right actor, good choreographer and some crazy stunt people to make it all work. So, does it really work you ask? Well, it’s one of those “better luck next time” kinda things- but it’s fun as hell! You can enjoy the trailer for the first (hopefully of the many) Bosnian low budget Kung Fu flicks right here and see Master Sadik Karahasanovic punch and kick his way into Martial Arts cinema history!
Man, it even looks like it was shot in the 70’s!
PS: If you liked this you should definitely check out the Bosnian Rambo, dude is a killer!
AT the risk of being hated (even more) I am writing and publishing this review. I am well aware of fact that for most of you horror fans out there C.H.U.D is one of the best B-horrors ever, but I simply can’t ignore how much boring, unscary and cheesy this movie is. Sure, premise is not bad (sewer creatures rising up in city of New York) but that’s pretty much it. Just a decent premise with a horrible, dull, and once again, cheesy (too cheesy even for cheesy 80s) realization.
Opening scene is, at the same, the best shot scene in this movie (though I can’t say it is great scene in general). An unescorted woman walks the dog in a middle of night through dark back alley in a dangerous neighborhood (which is very reasonable thing for every woman to do) when suddenly something drags her down into the sewer (and her dog too). A sewer lid gets closed and that is the sign for movie title “C.H.U.D” to pop-up. Real breathtaking beginning. So naturally, the next scene takes us to some more relaxing place. Like an apartment. This apartment belongs to George Cooper (played by John Heard) a photographer who sometimes gets hired by local reporter. At this time he has been hired to take a photos of nearby homeless people. The problem is that the most of those people are missing. George lives with his ugly girlfriend and wannabe model Lauren (played by Kim Greist). She is getting ready for shooting a perfume commercial and she is going to do it naked (not the smartest marketing strategy, considering her looks). And George is going to do shooting! Next is round through police station where Captain Bosch (played by Cristopher Curry) is investigating missing persons. Truth to be told, he actually tries to put those cases under rag. Bosch gets a call to come and interrogate homeless woman who tried to steal a gun from a police officer. She refuses to speak and uses her only phone call to call George while he was on shooting session. An devastating ugly woman police officer Sanderson (played by Cordis Heard) gives to Bosch another missing persons report. Report has been filled by Sheppard – an old acquaintance of Bosch. Sheppard, now known as The Reverend (played by Daniel Stern), runs soup-kitchen where all of homeless people are going to eat. Apparently most of them live underground, in a sewer system. Problem is that over 10 of his regular guests have been missing in last two weeks. But not only homeless people are going missing. Remember the naive woman from the beginning of the movie? Well, she turns out to be Bosch’s wife Flora (played by Laure Mattos). HA! Now we have personal motive too. On the top of it, Bosch gets to listen to mad homeless man preaching about mysterious, powerful, underground beings. Meanwhile, homeless woman Mrs. Monroe (played by Ruth Maleczech) takes George to her underground dwelling to show him why she tried to steal a gun. Something attacked her brother Victor (played by William Joseph Raymond) and inflicted him some nasty, disgusting injuries. George seemed to be much more interested in moaning about low living conditions than in actual mysterious attack.
When it heals it will be cool scar.
Back to Bosch. Him and Reverend also went down the gutter. Reverend told him a story about how he finds many things labeled “NRC” (Nuclear Regulatory Commission) down there. So, they start exploring sewers using a toy Geiger counter. But besides high level of radiation they didn’t find anything interesting. Now back again to George and Lauren (funny thing is how movie shuffles scenes between these 4 persons only for more than 30 minutes). Ugly Laure tells to George that she is pregnant and not sure whether she should give a birth to that kid (considering her looks and George’s intelligence I say that there is a lot of room for doubt). And while they were arguing in safety of their apartment, something outside took an old man from phone booth and ate him! But it left alive a little girl who was with old man. I guess it didn’t want dessert.
And that would be…something
Girl somehow reported this. I don’t see how since she is only 8 years old and she has just seen monster ate her grandfather. But to director Douglas Cheek, state of shock in such situation didn’t seem to be reasonable thing to happen. So ok, little girl calmly reported everything to police. That was the last drop for Captain Bosch, who obviously knows more about this than he has told. So, with both pictures and Geiger counter him and Reverend went to confront NRC commissioners and NRC representative Wilson (played by George Martin). After hard conversation, many denials and Reverend whose gone nuts Wilson finally reveals that they are hiding nuclear waste under the streets because they weren’t able to transport it further due to environmental agency ban. Also, he reveals an existence of C.H.U.D, which stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. I guess it is some kind of mutated homeless man (it sure looks homeless). And that is exactly what Wilson thinks. And the news of finding a dead C.H.U.D. have reached him. After autopsy of C.H.U.D. was over Wilson decides to clean up things in sewer, convinced that this was the only C.H.U.D. that existed. Bosch doesn’t share his opinion so he sends several men armed with flamethrowers to clear up the way for Wilson’s men. But another C.H.U.D. kills them all which is represented with breaking a camera signal. Yeah, the budget was too cheap to show us much of the monsters. Wilson now shows full potential of his dementia. He plans to let a gas through entire sewer system and then blow up entire sector of the city. And not only that. Wilson looks like an evil version of Walt Disney (though I am not sure that there is any other version of Walt Disney) and acts like Hitler. I am not sure if combination of Disney’s looks and Hitler’s attitude in one character is just a coincidence or director’s attempt to send a message.
The man with attitude!
Everybody to the sewers!!! Full scale invasion!!! On one side there are George and investigation reporter Murphy (played by J. C. Quinn). Actually, Murphy was hanging around from the very beginning of the movie but I didn’t find his role important enough to mention him earlier in this review. I see that director Douglas Cheek shares my opinion since Murphy got disemboweled and eaten just few moments after he stepped into sewers. Well, no Pulitzer prize for him it seems. On the other side of sewers, Reverend and insane homeless man Val (played by Graham Beckel) discovered a bunch of C.H.U.D.s eating toxic waste. Val meets the same fate as Murphy. At least one mouth less to feed. And someone locked up the Reverend in sewers. On the surface Bosch finally finds his missing wife Flora. Well, at least what is left of her.
Consider this a divorce!
It seems that what Bosch’s was feared off has come true. Driven by gas mutants started emerging on the surface and attacking people. In one of the most ridiculous scenes ever Lauren, while she was under shower, gets abortion procedure performed by C.H.U.D.!!! If nothing else at least it ended her dilemma whether she should continue or abort her pregnancy. George will be pissed off when he finds out but, for now, him and Reverend got reunited underground. There they stumbled upon a shitload of toxic waste boxes. It turns out that C.H.U.D. doesn’t stand for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. No, it actually stands for Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal. So, Wilson was throwing toxic waste under New York for quite some time. Years, if you prefer. Which made every of those poor homeless people go mutant. Mutants that looks like a vampires. Well, I lost it here. Anyway, while both of them are stunned by this discover, Lauren fights against invasion of mutants with her katana!!! Man, this movie has everything!!!
Wilson went completely insane!!! Situation is no more under his control and he can’t risk publicity. He trapped a lot of homeless people underground in order to blow them up all together with mutants and toxic waste. I guess he wanted to solve problems of poverty, threatening menace, environmental danger and his ass being exposed with one blow. Though, I can’t say that blowing up one part of the city can be considered as a discrete disposing of evidences. So, in his rampage, he shoots the cop, attacks Bosch, kicks Murphy’s head and beat the homeless people. Eventually, he dies in explosion of his van. And his van had exploded because it’s front wheel fell into open sewer hatch. The end and complete, utter crap!
Conclusion: When I asked my father if he remembers C.H.U.D. he said that in time when this movie was released he was lying in hospital due to broken leg. I felt envy. Broken leg is much better than watching this incredibly dull and boring piece of crap. I really don’t know why this movie is so respected among horror fans. Premise sounds interesting but, basically, it is bad concept rip-off of Alligator (1980). Entire movie relies on poor attempts (as poor as those unlucky homeless people) to shock and scary us, jumping from effect to effect, not tying it at all, with rather incoherent plot. Characters are just pushed into the plot through many of it’s holes. It feels like they are there just because of circumstances. For example, George has almost nothing to do with actual story and his role here is forced. Director tried to make us to ignore that by putting the great John Heard (Home Alone) but his character here is charmless and as much likeable as boil on your ass. And all of this gets mixed up with conspiracy and government’s garbage man. I am well aware of director’s cut and sequel but there is no way in hell that I am going to watch either of those in distant future.
Now, we all know that Mr. Seagal made his fair share of bad movies (you could easily fit his complete filmography between 2002- 2010 in that category and you wouldn’t be wrong) but this isn’t about that. It’s about something far more fascinating. You see, by the middle of the 90es Seagal contract with Warner Bros. was almost up and someone in the TekMagic company decided that the time was right for him to cross over to the new kind of media- video games!!!
Original preview of the game
Now, ludicrous as it sound, those were the days of action movies and fighting games so it kinda makes sense… a little bit. And then it all goes haywire! Caption was done by Karateka and teacher of women’s self- defense unable to replicate even one Seagal trademark move (Seagal is mostly known as a practitioner of Aikido, and has a 7 Dan black belt in the art). In fact Greg Goldsholl managed to replicate only Seagal’s trademark pony-tale and that’s where all likeness stops.That combined with the lousy controls, sub- par graphics (even for the 90es), and only 2 kinds of enemies (poor scientists and almost as poor Nanotech mercenaries).
Look at him go!
Seagal license did bring a lot of interest but game failed to meet it’s initial ’94 release date, was later moved to PlayStation and N64 and renamed to even more Seagal-like title of Deadly Honor but again failed to come out in ’99 and was soon after officially pronounced dead. Here you have the opportunity to seem what could have been. First the official plot…
Steven Seagal is a legendary runner, but commanders dislike his loose style and contempt for rules. His partner Jack Fremen, was killed on their last mission. There is no evidence to support it, but many wonder if he might still be alive had Seagal followed orders.
Trish Morgan, another veteran runner, has been assigned his new partner. She’s tough as any but has the attitude that commanders look for.
Now, the rebels will attempt the ultimate mission: an assault on Nanotech’s main campus. High command nervous about Seagal. They know he’s out to avenge Freman’s death. But he’s the best chance they have.
He’s the only choice…
(If you still don’t get it- Seagal and SF don’t mix)
…and when you’re done you can enjoy some of the surviving gameplay footage. And don’t forget to enjoy Seagal’s hillarious screams of death- you sure won’t find that in any other medium he tackled!
PS There’s also an urban legend (at least partially true) that at some point Goldsholl run into Seagal on a Martial Arts seminar and after bragging that he played him in the video game he got his arm twisted and cried like a baby. So, I guess Seagal wasn’t a fan.
Whatever you do- do not look behind!
Tara Reid, a friend of all the sea creatures.
Look at him go!
Worsemovies 