Archive for the ‘Trash movies’ Category

Legendary (2010)

Posted: 14/03/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , ,
0

Oh dear, another one of WWE’s crap PG movies, meant to encourage old school American “believe in yourself and anything is possible” cliches, that seemed to have worked for the young adult generation of the 80-ies, but nowadays aren’t convincing even to toddlers. Movie itself has a strong 80-ies vibe to it, and I believe it could have done much better in those days when bad acting, straightforward plots and over the top, baby face protagonists bent on overcoming the odds were “the shit”. Mind you, at least most of the those movies truly had bad ass main characters, which is sadly not the case for this movie. In fact, it’s quite the opposite, but more on that later…

As for the plot itself, it probably could have been explained in detail in one sentence, but I’ll foolhardily try and be even more more precise about some of it’s features. Here we go…

Your regular 40 kg’s bully-target loser of a son, living in a poverty ridden community with his depressed mother, who can’t get over the fact that she lost her husband in a car accident a year ago, and who also happens to be in a heated relationship with her older son, with whom she doesn’t even speak. Looks grim, right?… But wait, the kid’s got a dream! And he is a bout to fulfill it, dammit, cause we are in a freekin’ 80-ies tribute film! But, without the blood, violence, sex and other cool stuff from that period. That’s PG for you, I guess…

Anyways, the 40 kg’s kid wants to become the amateur wrestler, of all things, sport that took his father’s life (figuratively speaking), and wrecked his older brother’s life. With no support of his mother at all (she even screams at him at one point and strictly forbids him to do anything related to wrestling), the only positive and supportive factors in the little dude’s life, (his movie name is Cal), are his weird, emo friend Luli, who also happens to have a crash on him, and on couple of occasions even suggests sexually related stuff to him, which is really, really weird and mind-blowing, since they are bout around 12-13, and we are in a children’s movie dammit! Hold on, hold that thought for a second, that’s not even as remotely weird as Danny Glover’s character who seems to stalk Cal, whenever he is alone in the forest, near the lake, or anywhere out of civilization, posing as a strange, pedophile looking fisherman, who always holds his fishing reel upside down. Depending on the reader’s depravity, that might have sounded either completely normal, or utterly disgusting…

Now, you might think this couldn’t get much worse, right? WRONG! Enter John Cena, who is about to run this movie straight into the ground, just like he did with everything else he layed his fingers on…

Anyways, with the encouragement of Luli and Glover, Cal goes to seeks his long lost brother, and manages to find him living in a trailer trash with some local white trash girl sleeping next to him. Yep, people, that was probably the coolest John Cena segment you have ever seen and you will probably ever see. He even  cold-heartedly refused his brother’s plead, and closed the door in front of him. And just when we thought this move is about to pull up from dirt, it became even worse…

Cena, being Cena of course, ridden with guilt, seeks his brother out and offers him his help. And then, just out of the blue, he turns into his regular, goofy, childishly hyperactive and positive, lame comic book action hero – self, and at that point, movie becomes literally unwatchable…

Fair fight…

Suffice to say, he manages to train his weakling brother Cal in time for an open wrestling tournament, where his selfless determination (think I will puke now…) sees his brother to victory after victory over the guys 3 times Cal’s size. In the main event of the evening , we see Cal got beaten after a long and tiring fight, but he still comes of as a home town victor, for his fighting spirit. He also gets his family back, as Cena and his mother are reconciled and he comes home to live with them. Aaaaaand they lived happily ever after…

Now, I know that’s pretty much it and from this review you realize what sort of pathetic crap this movie really is, so you shouldn’t be surprised that it broke a record – it took this film only a bloody week to go from theaters to a home DVD!!!

Conclusion: Ultimately, John Cena was a downfall of this movie, just as he was a downfall of modern professional wrestling. His childish, almost comedic Superman gimmick (based on his real life self), is so retardely unrealistic, pandering and stupid, it is an affront to anyone with IQ over 50. He’s world saving, justice serving, hustle-loyalty-respect persona (that translates into everything he does – movies, wrestling, media, etc.) is so out of place in these times where world is hanging on the balance and every age group is aware of the grim days that are plaguing our lives. To a generation that thrives on Batman, and despises Superman, and especially to wrestling fans who grow up watching Stone Cold Steve Austin, Cena seems so blatantly fake, it’s almost tragic… I feel sorry for the guy, it’s not that he is that bad a wrestler (he can put on good matches from time to time), and he can be decent on a mic at times, but it’s his goofy personality and terrible gimmick that spelled the destruction of wrestling with him on the helm, and painted him, undeservingly, as a controversial figure. With that said, it may be a bit inappropriate to end the review with this tagline, but there just isn’t any better way to describe the atrocity that is this movie and modern wrestling in general: Let’s go Cena! CENA SUCKS!!!!

The Incredible Melting Man (1977)

Posted: 28/02/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , ,
1

This movie is about a man who melts, melts, melts, and eventually melts away. That’s pretty much it.

We noticed that this is going to be an awful movie before it even began. How? Simply. We saw MGM logo. That logo usually marks the beginning of 90 minutes of  bad acting, low budget, plot with more holes than a Swiss cheese, incoherent script, and many other bad things which cross your mind when you see MGM. Pay attention now. This is going to melt your brain.

Space expedition on Saturn ring, consisted of 2 men in space ship. Their names are Ted (played Burr DeBenning) and Steve (played by Alex Rebar). I don’t know what they were looking out there. Anyway, it’s not important. Suddenly they see some strange lights through the window and Steve starts bleeding on his  nose and getting cramps. Ted shows no signs of any sickness and he is doing just fine. A moment later, we see Steve lying in the hospital bed, surrounded by  blackman doctor with an afro haircut and really fat nurse. The moment the doctor leaves the room Steve gets up from his bed. Terrible wounds can be seen on his face. He has become the incredible melting man (for the rest of this review he will be known as a Timm). Timm starts chasing fat nurse. Next we are  getting fat nurse running through hospital hallway in slow-motion. And that goes on and on, until she eventually runs through glass doors. I really doubt  that even steel doors would stand any chance against such destructive force this woman causes when she hits you in her full speed. She is running on the  street now and that’s where this chasing ends. Next scene sends us to the morgue. There is a HUGE body on the table. We find out that Timm has eaten fat  nurse’s brain. They decide to call Dr. Ted about this.

Fat nurse running

Meanwhile, somewhere in the nature, far outside a town a dorkish looking fisherman is having his time. Suddenly, from the bushes, Timms approaches and cuts his  head off, followed by 5 minutes close scene of head while it floats in the spring, eventually falls of mini-waterfall and crushes into pieces like a  watermelon. Totally without any pity to poor fisherman, we are skipping to scene where 3 of ugly, ugly children are trying to have their first cigarette.  Two little boys and one little girl. Finding that smoking is too hard they start innocently chasing each other until the moment when the little girl stumbles  upon Timm. She starts screaming and runs away to her mother, who tries to convince her that she hadn’t seen anything (why no one ever believes kids). But Ted is close. He tries to find his friend Steve (Timm) with help of Geiger’s counter. I guess that already melted parts of Timm’s body (like his ear) are leaving much of background radiation. No one bothered to explain why exactly, but hey, who needs reason, sense, and logic in such movie.

                    GlavaHeads up!!!

On the other side of desert, young model Sandra is having foto-session with her photographer. After couple of photos, photographer couldn’t restrain himself so  he tears up Sandra’s top, leaving her small tits exposed to us. Sandra, who didn’t want to be raped, started running away of horny photograph, until the  moment she stumbles upon decapitated corpse of our late friend fisherman. Ted arrives on crime scene together with police, just to confirm that fisherman is  dead. Hm, how did they came up with such conclusion? Anyway, Ted continues his search for Timm.

                SandraSoft core?

But Timm is gone. Ted is at his home now getting lectures from his ugly wife Judy (Ann Sweeny). I don’t know what has gotten into him to share such classify  secret with his bigmouth, ugly wife but now they are working together on this case. While they are making strategy, we see Timm walking through desert into  sunset and melting. This goes on and on, while he is getting flashbacks of what happened to him in the space. More sunset, more desert, more flashbacks. More  melting. The night has fallen and he is still melting. Only, this time, he is in vineyard. He melts even more, followed by couple of minutes of more melting. On the other side of town Ted is sitting somewhere and talking to his ugly wife about situation. Doctor with afro haircut and General Perry (Myron Healey)  are with him too. Judy invites both of them to dinner but only General accepts invitation. Also, Judy informs Ted that her mother and her mother’s friend  will join them too. So we are on the road now. We see one old woman and one old man driving the car. It seems to me that they already went through the  process of melting for several times during the centuries and centuries of their lives. They decide to make a quick stop so old man parked his car in the  bushes. It turns out that they want to revive the forgotten craft of sex!!! Really disgusting!!! They left the car and enter deeper into bushes. They both  seems to be a moment before reaching ecstasy of perversion. We notice that old man has a name for his balls. He calls them “Lemmon” and he suggests old lady  to suck it. Good thing that they didn’t actually show us this crime against nature. After finishing what were they doing, old couple returns to car. But, as  it always be, Timm was waiting for them on the backseat. When they saw him both of them died of heart attack. Timm ate them afterwards.

MatorciHot young couple.

After finishing his meal, Timm finds himself (or itself?) in front of Dr Ted’s house, where he spends one hour just standing and melting. Eventually, he  finds General Perry, gives him a kiss in the cheek, drags him into bushes, defiles him, and eats him on the end. The lust is strong in this one! But Timm  isn’t done yet. Instead of finishing the rest of the house residences, he goes to completely different house where some completely different ugly woman  lives. We notice that she possesses a Kelvinator fridge. Very amusing name. She uses that fridge to block the doors so Timm couldn’t get in. Finally, she cuts  of his arm with a cleaver and Timm runs away. After that event she starts losing her mind in style of Nicholas Cage.

                    Her brain already got meltedHer brain already got melted!

Police discovers General’s mangled body and sheriff Blake (Michael Alldredge) decides to join his forces with Ted in search for Timm. After some time they  eventually find him on top of power lines. It seems that Timm has been cornered now, right? HELL WRONG!!! This is the scene where Ted shows his true face. He  prevents sheriff Blake from shooting Timm, after which monster used his chance, took a poor, confused sheriff and throwed him away onto another power line  where sheriff ends up electricuted. And remember, all of that with only one arm, which is also melting. Two cops kill Ted after he tried to protect Timm. (he
got what he deserves). As an act of revenge, Timm kills both cops and the score is settled. Having enough of everything he goes to space station where he  completely melts away in only good scene in this God forbidden movie. On the very end we find out that new expedition to Saturn has been preparing for  launching. I only hope that this doesn’t mean a sequel since I wouldn’t be able to handle another garbage of space proportions.

Conclusion: The only incredible thing about this movie is how incredibly bad is it. No budget, no actors, no story, no sense. Also, this movies contains no  sex scenes or at least full frontal nudity. Shame! Tho, no amount of porn could wash a taste of failure from the mouths of director William Sachs. The only  thing worth mentioning here are awesome make up and special effects by legendary Rick Baker. He is the only one who had given decent performance out of  entire movie crew.

Rawhead Rex (1986)

Posted: 25/02/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , ,
3

In 1985 then young Clive Barker published Books of Blood, six volumes of hard- hitting, splattering and traumatizing collection of horror short stories. They proved to be true game changers and waives that they created can still be felt in genre fiction ’till this day. Unfortunately that also meant bunch of movie adaptations that ranged from well made to passable genre flicks to absolute abomination of film-making. Unfortunately we will keep the attention on the latter. (It’s not easy being in the WM Crew some days)

Rawhead Rex with script and even some producing duties by Barker himself was shot on a shoestring budget in rural Ireland … with cast of shockingly primitive villagers that tried to pass as actors and some of the most god awful special effect, design that ever graced the silver screen. When the author of the short story/ script himself calls the final look of the titular monster” a 9 ft tall phallus with teeth”- you have some idea what you’re getting here.

Yep, that’s it!

Movie begins with an extremely old and ugly villager trying to knock over some sereosly monolithic looking piece of rock. Some equally old friends are there to help him but they give up after two seconds and after a bit of laugh leave him to face his trouble alone. Why he suddenly decided that he must plow the part of the field with a freakin’ giant rock in it just now we will never know.

In the meantime American Writer(?) Howard Hallenbeck searches the Ireland for obscure religious items. Heading into a rural church in hope of finding something interesting he bumps into the Vicar O’Brian who doesn’t like him very much straight of the bat. After trying to ignore him he finally gives up and sends him to the Reverand Coot who is willing to cooperate but seems to be one of those men who don’t know their head from their ass. O’Brian touches the altar and after placing a hand on it strange light appears and he seemingly looses his sanity (not that he looked like a sane man before).

Suddenly incredibly dark clouds gathers above the field and a halo of poorly animated lightnings strike the monolit and a giant rock crushes realizing the evil that
it kept hidden for centuries, the evil that is… RAWHEAD REX!

Rawhead doesn’t waste any time and starts scoring a kill-count immediately. First killing a said farmer that was guilty of awakening him and then attacking locals Dennis and Jenny in their own home. He discombobulates horrified Denis but has doubts when he discovers that Jenny is pregnant and decides to leave. Monster afraid of pregnant women- that’s a new one! Next victim is a horny teenager Andy who’s rude to his brother as he desperately tries to make out with his girlfriend. He finally leaves his young brother and despite the severe cold heads into the woods with his girl. And I think all of us watched enough horror movies as kids to know what happens to horny teenagers alone in the woods…eminent death! Well, they did make a valiant try to run away and save their lives but in the middle of the run Andy kinda… lost his head… and I mean really lost his head. Rowhead was on top of the hill with Andy’s head roaring from the overwhelming happiness. Damn!

See what I got!

Howard is settling in a lousy hotel room with his family, his small and cute daughter, son who seems disinterested in anything but comicbooks (I can understand that- I would try to ignore everything in this
shithole myself) and his incredibly ugly and sex craved wife. Thank God enough horrible stuff happens during this movie that the possibility of any horrible sex scenes with her is reduced to nothing. Looking through the window of his car he catches a glimpse of Rawhead and naturally he goes to the police. Despite the enormous number of dead bodies they ridicule him and drive him away.Than he visits the old church again but the old Coot (pun intended) explains that mysteriously all the records he asked for disappeared. He the notices strange creature in the stainglass window not unlike the one he saw and he even tries to take a picture but Vicar looses his shit and smashes his camera to bits! He bearly gets out alive. Angry and confused Howard takes his family back on the rode (which in retrospect is a smartest thing to do). Unfortunately they had to take a break rather soon because his daughter had to pee- and that proved fatal! Howard and wife leave her in the bushes for just a second but she starts screaming, they rush to her but in doing so they leave their son alone in the car. Rawhead uses this opportunity to kill the poor kid and then drag his body into the woods. Ok, this was unexpected I give you that, I mean kids never die in horror movies right?

    Rest in peace… you had a fine choice of comics you poor little thing

Coot has a heated argument with Haward about the nature of evil that is Rawhead but he heedes some advice and starts looking into things. Finally! He touches the altar but  successfully refuses the strange visions in red. Then he goes out searching for Vicar, ends up in the seemingly abandoned basement and shockingly finds the missing documents. But that’s not all. He witnesses the scene you never think you’ll witness in your lifetime- the freakishly tall monster baptizing the Vicar in his evil ways by PISSING ON HIS FREAKIN’ CHEST… and Vicar seems really into it. This is seriously disturbed! And incredibly funny at the same time…

I am not sure I like this religion

Vicar tries to have Coot “baptized” by Rawhead Rex too but he doesn’t seem to be into that sort of thing, monster piss and all. He runs back at the church and surprisingly discovers that Rawhead is unable to fallow him. Instead he sand the crazed vicar and after him. Coot confronts him and starts going at the monster with crucifixion while vicar laughs hysterically. Unfortunately for Coot it turns out that Rawhead has no fear of crucifixion or hollow ground being the pre-Christ diety, instead the key for destroying him was buried in the altar all along- somehow completely unnoticed all this time!

Rawhead crushes the crucifix, and then crushes the poor Reverand too. He also does that in front of the newly arrived police- he may be old but he still has a flair for dramatics. You would think that he would end up in the halo of bullets right that moment but ovbiasly police is incapable as it gets (+ Rawhead had help from inside, it seems he’ve been busy pissing on people these days, when he wasn’t murdering them of course).

With his dying breath Coot tells our hero Howard that monster is afraid of something in the altar and he hurries to find it before his arch-nemesis Vicar does.Two of them get into the fight but Howard somehow manages to push him away and after opening the alter red light and smoke effects appear. Mysterious object is finally found! Vicar rushes to Rawhead trying to warn him and finds him in the local graveyard but he is displeased with his performance and O’Brien get mauled. Howard comes with a mysterious object not unlike Venus of Willendorf  high in his hands and for a moment it seems that his plan is working but Rawhead gets even more mad and start throwing him around. Stone venera slips away from him and it seems that finally the evil has won!

“Fat naked lady! AAAAAAAA!”

But NO! Howard’s incredibly ugly wife appears, takes the statue and then it’s true power gets unleashed- you see, Rawhead is afraid of some fertility goddess of all thing!!!
And only a woman can wield that kind of power. Ridiculous shiny effect fill the screen and no matter how hard he tries they drain him of his live energies and bury him… Once again the world is safe.

Or is it? The trailer park boy places flowers on the grave of on Andy, his brother. As he walks away, Rawhead suddenly emerges out of nowhere and roars like and idiot. The End.

Verdict: It’s incredibly fascinating that the author like Clive Barker even in the beginning of his career would try so hard to get something of the ground and so gloriosly fail. Hopefully we will see a new, impoved adaptation of his story but in the meantime we can enjoy what he calls “a 9 ft tall phallus with teeth”- ’cause you really don’t see those very often, do you?

…if you (like us) have a sudden urge to yell RAWHEAD!

PS Trivia: Clive Barker himself wore the Rawhead Rex costume in most of the scenes, that’s like adding an insult to the injury.

Space Truckers (1996)

Posted: 16/02/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , ,
1

Yet another low budget sci-fi from the ’90s…How many of them actually exist? This time it isn’t Albert Pyun. It isn’t even Phillip J. Roth.  This time the culprit is Stuart Gordon and like his other movies, this one is also cheesy with narrow demographic appeal. But that’s my point of view which I am gonna elaborate you now. Here goes nothing.

In the beginning of this movie we see 2 men. One of them is a scientist named Nabel (Charles Dance). The other one is boss of  “EJ Saggs” (Shane Rimmer). Nabel represents his product… The ultimate space soldier, robot who is  equipped with “State-of-the-art-Disintegrators” and shoots lasers from it’s head. Actually it looks like APEX (for more info see under A.P.E.X). After demonstrating it’s  destructive power, the boss burns Nabel alive (talk about getting paid for job well done).  And that’s the end of prelude.

Now, let’s see good guys side. The year is 2196. World and space are much more different than any of us could have imagined. It looks like floating wild west. John Canyon (played by Denis Hopper, who is best known for his role of crazy Photographer in “Apocalypse Now” ) is one of the last independent cargo transporters. By independent I mean he doesn’t work for “The Company”. Very original name for intergalactic agency. He is old and weathered, but he still gets the job done… Eventually…With “minor” schedule missing. Like we see him on the beginning  of the movie, getting yelled at because he took too much time to transport square pigs. Yeah, square pigs. For Inter Pork agency. Honest word. And the anti-gravity beer. It’s beer that floats. Still, he got paid.  But, the business is falling apart. He is in no position to ask the questions about the origin of cargo he transports. Nor what’s exactly inside.  He doesn’t need to know every time.  That’s what will get him into the trouble.

Square pigs –  Fit nicely into the cages, so they don’t waste any space

John finds himself in one of the space bars, talking to young waitress. There is obvious chemistry between them, despite the age gap. Waitress Cindy (played by Debi Mazar) tells him a story about her sick mother on Earth. During that conversation John was approached by some man.  The man offers him a job…Transport of top-secret cargo to Earth. No questions asked, and no answer given. Not a big problem for John, anyway. Cindy overheard conversation between them and then started to beg  John to take her to Earth so she can see her sick mother. Eventually, he cracks and Cindy joins him and his partner Mike (played by Stephen Dorff).  Mike, who is much younger than John, seemed too much excited about new crew member. I guess he haven’t had many such attractive passengers during their smuggling. Anyway, a moment before their departing, space bar brawl started. During that complete chaos, one of the hatches on the wall got opened and started sucking everything. Even Keller (George Wendt) who is the chief of that bar. And he is very, very, very HUGE man. His ass has shut the hole. Everything seems to be ok now. Or is it? It turned out that even Keller’s gigantic, fat ass couldn’t shut the hole, so he ended sucked up into wide space. One really ugly woman screamed and one cyborg-grandma fell off toilet seat, but other than that no one else showed any reaction to chief’s demise. Probably because his prices were too high.

Untitled

Fat man and the small hole

Back to our heroes. It turned out that top-secret mission is transporting inflatable life-size sex dolls. That’s surely the task of the greatest priority for human kind. But still, their trip is not without dangers. First, they had been attacked by The Agency troopers (seems to me that aren’t many decent looking women left in future, since entire space wants sex dolls).  They survived the attack but not without a scratch. Sector in which cargo is transported has been damaged. Also, cooling system went down. And they are near the Sun. So, John takes the role of the hero, puts space suit on, and hovers outside to repair the damage. Meanwhile, inside the ship, Mike and Cindy are sharing other interests. With the remark that’s too hot inside the ship (the oldest trick in a book), Mike manages to convince Cindy to take off her clothes. Seems suitable since he was already almost completely naked. Seconds after, they begin a foreplay in zero gravity. While Mike is trying to get his spear polished, John stumbles upon self-defensive system on cargo hold. Seems  a bit strange to put such technology just to protect a bunch of sex dolls for weirdos, don’t you think? Same thoughts John has, but he doesn’t have a time for further thinking. His ship gets attacked again, this time by space pirates. As fast as he could, John went back into the ship just in time to find his partner and his passenger on pile. He tries to hide that it was shock to him but without much success. Anyway, no time for that now. He has to think how to get out of this trouble with pirates.

In space even sex is different

Space pirates aren’t aggressive  from a start. Their gigantic space ship sucked up John’s ship like piece of cake. They first try to interrogate them.  The man who is in charge for interrogation and sadistic, twisted torturing is no one else than Mister Cutt (played by Vernon Wells).  He’ll try to find out what exactly John got in his cargo. Of course, he still doesn’t know what is inside and still claims that those are inflatable sex dolls for weirdos. Mister Cutt doesn’t believe a word what John says so he ties up all three of them. Yeah, even our lovers, without giving them a chance to put some clothes on.  As it always happens, the first threat  would be raping of young Cindy (how convenient) if  they don’t hear confession. Still, John can’t tell something he doesn’t know about, so in the eyes of Mister Cutt he remains stubborn and not very talkative. Led by this, he decides to call a captain of space pirates ship. Now, remember Nabel from the beginning of the movie?  The one who made robots? He died, right? WRONG!!! He is actually the captain of space pirates, but his name isn’t Nabel anymore…Now he calls himself Macanudo. But how is he still alive when we saw him getting burned to death, you may ask? Easy. He installed into himself new parts, such as plastic ass, mechanical eye, pig leg (not of square pig), mechanical brain (sounds like the title of some bad horror/sf movie) and many minor miscellaneuos. And with his outfit he looks like space Hitler!  It turned out, that he actually made 5000 of APEX (see under A.P.E.X) and now he wants them back for his own ends. After losing several of his pirates to defensive system on cargo hold, he demands that John disables turrets. Since John doesn’t have the slightest idea about it, space Hitler decides to fulfill Mister Cutt’s threat, and that’s how young Cindy ends up in his quarters. Now, leg, brain, ass and other things aren’t the only things that were burned. His dick also got same fate as other body parts. Might be a problem to have a sex with no dick? For regular mortals perhaps, but not for our Macanudo!!! He got himself a mechanical dick!!! While Cindy is lying almost naked on the bed he tries to start up his penis. The procedure is same as when starting chainsaw. No, i am not making this up!!! Unfortunately for him, he failed to this (I guess he didn’t have enough juice) so Cindy took an opportunity, pushed him on bed and teared his parts who are transporting some sort of fluid through his body, takes his clothes and tries to set free John and Mike by imitating Macanudo’s voice. But space Hitler puts himself together (literally) much faster than she had expected. He stormed in main chamber with words “If I had an ass, I would soil myself”. Truly, the words of pure wisdom. Just before pirates killed them all, somehow robots broke loose, and complete chaos is about to begin. As cream of crap, resistance enters space pirates ship and start shooting on everyone around. Their goal is to stop transport of killer robots to Earth. Normally, APEXes (see under A.P.E.X) literally destroy everything in their way, including Nabel/Macanudo/Space Hitler. John, Cindy, and Mike used that confusion to get free and start running back to their ship. But one person that lies on the ground stops them. Who could it be? That figure wears nazzi uniform. But the space Hitler is dead, right? WRONG AGAIN!!! He gives them something. It’s a mouse. But no real mouse…It’s mouse for PC!!! And only that can stop killer robots who  not only that shoot lasers out of their heads, they now use a martial arts!!! John uses PC mouse to make a clear path, and reaches his ship just a couple of moments before everything explodes!!! Now they are on their way to Earth and space Hitler is now definitely dead…Unless he got himself completely new body stashed somewhere, with soul transporter built in.

Space Hitler interrogating, like in good old times

A few of remaining APEXes hang themselves on rear side of space truck, but John solved that problem by simply going through ozone layer and burning them to point of melting. Once they landed, they have been welcomed by no one else than president of world himself, surrounded by his top agents. Funny fact is that each agent looks like Elvis Presley (so, he is alive after all!!!).  Then they all went together to the hospital to visit Cindy’s mother, who turned out to be love of the John’s life but she never got old because she slept too much due to her illness (?!).  And that Cindy, who used to be his fiance, is probably his daughter (???!!!) Then, in same hospital room president, who turned out to be planning to destroy the Earth for reasons only known to him, offered them the suitcase full of money in exchange for their silence since this is election year. Some things never change… Couple of minutes later, faced with moral dilemma, John throws the suitcase out the window, which falls directly on presidents limousine while he was laughing sinister inside of it. Suitcase exploded, blowing up limo, president and bunch of Elvis Presleys to pieces.

Conclusion: This movie obviously had no budget. It can be viewed as an awful sci-fi or misunderstood parody of sci-fi. But for those who would want to know more about this movie without risking their sanity by watching it, I have to say only one thing: This is how Bud Spencer and Terrence Hill movies would look like if they were directed by Phillip J. Roth.

Skyscraper (1996)

Posted: 12/02/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
1

At certain point in the 90es Anna Nicole Smith, a former model and Playboy’s Playmate decided to further her scope and get into acting. All fine and dandy ,she’s not the first one and most surely won’t be the last one.But there just one little thing. She couldn’t act for the life of her. She couldn’t evens speak English properly and had all the tone and diction of the spoiled 4 year old trailer trash brat. She almost routinely drifted off somewhere in the middle of the sentence if we presume that she knew where she was/ and what she was doing at the first place. It is very rare that I found Schwarzennegers’ heavy Austrian drawl superior when compared to the acting of someone obviously born in the USA but this is most certainly one of these times! Another unexplained and oddly impressive things about the movie is the fact that she decided to do a hard- core Action Flick! Now, I’m all for women taking names and kicking ass but the only parts Anna could have played convincingly were does of voluptuous blonds in some teenage flicks or a romantic comedies. Action movie’s a very different beast and despite her not so small and fragile frame she was everything but the action hero in the making.

SkyscraperMV5BZWUyYmIzMjYtNDFiNy00OTBiLTk2NjUtYThkZWFlYWI1OTkyL2ltYWdlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjQ2MjQ5NzM@._V1_FMjpg_UX1000_

Die Hard… with Hooters!

So, we have a sexy helicopter pilot Carrie Wink (Anna Nicole ofc) that offers heli- taxi transport to rich clients. She is happily married to a LAPD detective Gordon and we are often treated to flash back scenes of their domestic life, so we can deduce that their marriage consisted solely of marathon sex with the  occasional break to shoot some cans with heavy weaponry- good for them!

Typical day at Wink residence

Her client is mysterious Mr. Fairfax- in fact a ruthless South African criminal mastermind with a thing for Shakespeare. His final objective- to … four interlocking electronic devices that can seemingly magicly change the balance of power in the world (how it is not explained, ovbiasly it has something to do with satellites). She dispatches Fairfax and his associates all around not even fathoming his true intentions (those being world domination of course! Well this is one rare cases where “stupid blond” stereotype actually makes perfect sense.

Skyscraper.1996.480p.H264.mp4_000979228…and typical manicure for a pilot

Fairfaxe’s long haired goons give their best and succeed in acquire second to last piece but they naturally make a mess of it. Croatian kickboxing champ Cikatic and Lara Croft wannabe chick come to their rescue and they succeed in getting away with the device.

Skyscraper.1996.480p.H264.mp4_004884087Croatian Kickboxing sensation Branko Cikatic, enjoys strangling black people in his down time

This movie can be easily categorized as  RPG Porn counting the sheer number of scenes of A Rocket Propelled Grenade launching  despite the facts that those RPG’s are not re-loadable, and shouldn’t be able to fire more than once.*

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xxgpyf

Finally Ann drops off Fairfax at the top of the Zitex building, the 86-floor skyscraper in downtown L.A. His terrorist friends take over the security system of the building and slowly but surely liquidate the security guards. Now it’s time for heroic Mr. Wink to jump into the action (not knowing his woman is at the top of the same building I guess). Some moments later his partner is killed and he heart-brokenly declares  “he was more to me than a partner” not long afterwords (?) Fairfax has a meeting with Criston who was supposed to sell him the part No.4 but he decides to kill him instead (I guess he’s cheep). Criston menages to escape, albeit for the moment but it was enough for his to give the device to the confused Carrie Wink who realizes something is wrong when Criston dies. Blessed with enough common sense to run for her life Wink jumps into the washer’ rig. Goons start shooting like crazy but are such horrible shots that she menages to survive unscatered. Then she does even riskier thing and attaches herself with one of the  steel winch cables and goes down the side of the building. That of course leaves her in even more vulnerable position but thank God those gunman are such idiots. After being confused by her constant swinging around- Spiderman style they lose her when she finally menages to crash through one of the giant windows and get into one of the offices. She then in the moment of unusual clarity for her character stashes away the case, unfortunately in one of the trash cans (not really the best idea in the world but considering who we’re talking about- good enough).

https://www.tumblr.com/videoreligion/185864243261/skyscraper-1996

What chance does the terrorist organization has against a woman like this? I mean, really!

They kill boy’s mother thinking it’s Wink (because all blonds look the same?) but the boy doesn’t seem to mind. He just wants to ride his bike. Then she teams up with idiotic security guard who probably managed to survive all this because no one in the right mind would consider him a treat. She gives him some lessons in her distinctive southern twang and snatches the gun from him. Unfortunately the goons track her down and she ends up in the gunfight with the long haired German looking muscle bound villain. Both of them shoot randomly at everything and anything but each-other but she comes out on top with a little help from the cowardly security guy. Making her way through the chain of offices she finds the small blond boy on a toy bike and convinces him to hide. Just in time ’cause the other goons are right after them.

In the meantime her husbands Gordon finds a way to infiltrate the building but succeeds in doing nothing when inside- except having a prolonged hide and seek with the Whoopi Goldberg looking dude*

Skyscraper.1996.480p.H264.mp4_003922710

Whoopi Goldberg before the sex change operation

Wink confuses the tech terrorist (the one operating the security cameras) by lighting fire in the waste paper bin causing fire alarm and disabling some of the monitors. Just when it seems she knows what she’s doing she ends up captured. She tries to reason with them and exchange the lives of the hostages for the suitcase but she is unfortunately just not that good with words. She gives away the location of the case and all she gets is one of the guards (the one wearing tight leather pants) trying to nail her in the ass. I know, life is not fair. But Wink is nothing if not resourceful, and she manages to find a paper knife… and procides to stab the goon in groins, shoot him with his own gun with the force of blast pushing him through the window and into his unavoidable death by being squished by lethal combination of velocity and pavement.

Don’t fuck with Anna Nicole… unless she wants you to!

Seeing that the shit hit the fan Fairfax offs the remaining goons and heads out to the copter. He exchanges the blond kid for the blond chick aka Anna Nicole but her silly husband shows up all gung-ho and tries to free her.
Being the evil mastermind that he is Fairfax takes the girl and shoots the cop and just when it seems that he will get away with everything- Wink busts out (no pun intended) some Kung Fu moves and kick his ass to kingdom come!!!, why she haven’t used them in any of the critic situations in the last hour and a half beats me. Anyway,  Wink hugs the little blond boy telling him everything is  all right while we see ambulance taking the body of his dead mother in the background. The End

Infierno de cristal (8)

I guess her brains and beauty will somehow get her out of this?

Laserblast (1979)

Posted: 07/02/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
1

What we have here is now legendary low budget Sci Fi flick from the 1979, made in sole purpose to cash money from the enormous success of the Star Wars saga that was blowing people’s minds back in the late 70-ies. Ironically, that was the very tagline of this catastrophe of the movie that we are reviewing right now. Just to get this right, this crap will sure as hell “blow your mind”, but definitely not in the way director has envisioned it…

This could all be happening right now on this planet…  no, not really!

The movie starts of the with some typical 70-ies dude with a vampire mask and some mechanical crap on his arm (that should resemble a sort of laser, but in truth, resembles one of those gypsy toys you can buy at the fair), fighting two clay made aliens, who look kinda cute and produce sounds similar to those of sheeps  during  the mating. Anyways, aliens manage to kill rampaging surfer/vampire dude, and for reasons only known to them leave the mechanical crap on the very same spot the dude has perished. Off they go to space, and it’s up to some other unfortunate fellow to stumble upon the mechanical cr… I mean LASERBLAST!!!!

Лазерный взрыв (1978. Laserblast).avi_001573655

Up next, we meet our movie’s main protagonist/antagonist  Billy Duncan, played  by Kim Milford, fairly popular during the 70-ies for his roles in bad horror flicks and musicals. He finds out that his mother is leaving for “vacation” (most likely going somewhere to whore…), which leaves him all alone, and vulnerable to bulling from all possible sources, including two “redneck” cops (from California, apparently…), of whom one is avid pothead, two retarded dudes who resemble anything but bullies, and even his girlfriend’s father, who looks like a local homeless drunk that lost his mind decades ago. It should be noted that both Billy, and his girlfriend Kathy are both your typical Californian blondes and look like they have been high on LSD during the whole shooting of the movie and beyond. Small wonder, since both of the actors, (Kim Milford and Cheryl Smith) have passed away in young age from the complications caused by substance abuse. Damnable 70-ies….

Aside, from his girlfriend, who he seems to be in good relationship with, Billy seems to be hated and bullied by everyone else. After escaping from one of those “bullying” situations that are plaguing his life, Billy finds him self in  the middle of the desert, melancholic and depressed. And that’s when he finally stumbles upon… you guess it – LASERBLAST!!! For the next couple of incredibly long and boring minutes we watch Billy as he plays with his newfound toy, waiting for him to finally find out how to use it, or shoot it, if you will… Some 15-20 mins later (or at least it felt that long) he finally, accidentally of course, finds out how the thing works, prompting it to shoot – LASERBLASTS!!! Ok, I’ll stop with that now, I promise…

Nothing special is going on as movie progresses, and if you are still awake after all this time, you might find intriguing, that during the local pool party, Billy finds the two local bullies trying to rape his girlfriend, and starts defending her fiercely. He manages to fight them off, and just when he is about to use a stool or something as a weapon, Kathy sooths him down, and pleads him to leave the scene peacefully. I mean, it’s no big deal, they only tried to rape her, right?… WRONG! – according to Kathy, at least…

That night, Billy finally embraces his dark side, putting on LASERB… ok, mechanical crap, altogether with the vampire mask. Those two are going together, I guess… He then tries to kill the two bullies we mentioned in the last paragraph, but fails only destroying their car. The “sheep” aliens are alerted that someone has used their LAS… mechanical crap, and are ordered by their leader to go on Earth and investigate, AGAIN… Local police are also alerted and, as they are prompting an investigation, we meet the government official, Tony Craig, who is presented like a hero that’s going to solve all the troubles in the matter of minutes, but yet, he manages to do absolutely nothing till the end of the movie. Epic…

images

Man it feels good having a LASERBLAST!

Alien -laser-thingy-crap starts taking Billy’s mind and soul bit by bit, as he starts the murderous rampage, killing everyone that ever did something wrong to him, even the local doctor who examined the strange anomaly that started growing in his chest, and was suspicious about it. Billy finally completely flips, when his GF Kathy (after horrendous sex scene) puts some sort of light bulb on his chest transforming him into the very same laser shooting vampire/surfer/orc-zombie dude* from the beginning. Now permanently, though… Kathy runs off screaming and Billy proceeds to destroy everything in his sight. After both redneck cops, bullies, some poor hippie and who knows who else are dead, Billy turns his attention to the city center.

Лазерный взрыв (1978. Laserblast).avi_003717630

* Vampire/surfer/orc-zombie dude

Now I must warn you – if you are in any sort of  prohibited substance abuse, this would be a good time to use it. If you are not, don’t worry, after watching the next scene, you’ll feel like you’ve been on a week long crack binge. Now, I won’t go in a unnecessary details here, as I feel my mind might just blow up remembering this scene (hence the movie tagline), but it will suffice to say that for the next 15-20 minutes you will be watching  Billy in slow motion, destroying mostly cars, soc-realistics kiosks and posts with his laser-crap, all while ravaging around like a tiny, crack filled offspring of  a Hulk, Vampire and your average surfer. Oh, you will also be listening to exactly one, high pitched note from the keyboard during the whole scene. Joy, eh?...

Now then, if you are still sane, conscious and capable of continuing, we applaud you, and you shell be awarded not two, but three questions in our upcoming “Ask Milan” column (make them as perverse as you can, please…). You will also find out that movie is about to hit it’s climax, as Billy stumbles upon Kathy and the government official, (who hasn’t done anything so far). Just as he is about to blast them, the “sheep” aliens show up out of nowhere, one of them standing on the building, towering over everyone. How nobody managed to see them remains the mystery… Anyway, the one standing on the building model shoots another laser-crap-thingie (btw, that was one of the worst stop motion animations that I have ever saw…) managing to kill Billy, and destroy LASERBLAST!!! in the process. Last scene shows Kathy crying over Billy’s corpse. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the end of it.

Now, for the sake of your mind, go outside and take a long walk, all while taking deep breaths. You’ll need it in order to free your mind from this monstrosity who’s director never filmed anything else for the remainder of his life, and who’s two main actors ended up as homeless drug addicts.

It’s also worth noting that this picture managed to do something no other movie has managed to do – unite the world in one, solitary, firmly based opinion. No matter how crappy the film is, you will always find someone that really likes it. That’s not the case with LASERBLAST!!! Everyone who ever “graced “ their eyes upon this wretchedness, agrees that it is a single most crappy made piece of shit that has ever been produced in cinema. Take from that what you will…

Milhaus

Animated version of our protagonist

Conclusion: If a scale of 1-10 is used to rate all movies, every other movie ever made must get 10/10 in order to accommodate this movie (which gets 0/10) on the same scale.

Now, let us all sing along!

The Boogeyman (1980)

Posted: 03/02/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , ,
0

Children, run for your lives!!! Your worst nightmare is coming true!!! The Boogeyman is here. He comes to you in yet another half-original slasher.  Heavy influence of John Carpenter’s 1978 “Halloween” can be noted from the very start of this movie. Also, obvious rip off of  “The Amityville Horror”  and “The Exorcist” must be mentioned.  Ulli Lommel (director of this….hm…well, half-decent B-movie slasher) didn’t even bother to hide so many similarities with above mentioned movies. But let’s start from the beginning.

The year is 1960. Peaceful, summer night. Everyone are at their homes, spending time with their families. Probably, we don’t know that for sure. But we do see light in one of the houses.  In it’s living-room to be more precise. Someone is outside. Actually, two little shadows are trying to peer in. Brother (Willy) and sister (Lacey).  They are watching their drunken mother having a foreplay with some huge, bad ass dude.  Eventually, they notice little brats. They chase them away into their bedrooms. The little boy ends up tied to his bed by huge dude. That’s what you get when you stand in your mother’s lover way. Their mother didn’t seem to be bothered by idea of some stranger tiding up her children so she continued her sex games in her bedroom. Foreplay ended up and now they plow each other like in some low-budget hardcore movie.

Meanwhile, daughter somewhere found large carving knife and used it to free her brother.  Then brother sneaked into his mother’s bedroom and used the same carving knife to massacre horny boyfriend, just in the moment when he was onto cloud nine with just as much as horny woman. Now, sister stayed in her bedroom, right? RIGHT? Which makes almost impossible for her to see this event, right? WRONG!!! She actually sees everything what happens!!! How, you may ask? Simple. It’s like she suddenly had teleported to entrance of  large bedroom.  And sees everything on the mirror which hangs of the wall opposite to bed. But that isn’t everything. A moment before he dies, large dude glimpses into the mirror and that’s it….His soul has been trapped forever by the most evil product in human’s history!!!

Untitled

This is what happens when you fuck someone’s mother!

Twenty years later, Lacey played by Suzanna Love, who is wife of  Ulli Lommel (just to mention) and Willy played by Nicholas Love receive a letter from their dying mother. Interesting thing is that they are brother and sister in real life too. Nothing like family business, don’t you think? Willy is a mute and Lacey is married. But they are still together. Anyway, the moment they receive the letter from their mother, strange things start to happen. For example, both of them are haunted by terrible nightmares in which murdered mother’s boyfriend is coming back for revenge. Also, mirrors are reflecting images from the very same night. And, things, like a knives and other tool,  start flying around like they are being captured by tornado. Everyone is suspecting Willy for those strange things, especially when you keep in mind that he hasn’t  spoken since that night, he keeps snakes and tarantulas as pets, and he has his own personal knife collection.  Is this true? Well, possibly but only in movie that make sense. This one doesn’t.

Lacey’s psychiatrist (John Carradine) suggests her visit her childhood home as a way of freeing herself from her personal demons.  Meanwhile,  back in the barn, some country girl is hitting on Willy. Muscular man who never says a word? No girl can resist that!!! Unluckily for her, all ends up by mute grabbing her by the neck, lifting her several feet in air and tossing her away like some slut. Hm, maybe he did a right thing?

Is this a proper way to treat a girl?

Following  psychiatrist’s advice, Lacey and Willy went to visit their childhood home. But that only makes the things even worse. Lacey sees some weird reflection in the mirror (which happens to be on the very same spot, even after 20 years), freaks out and bashes mirror with a chair. That’s the worst possible thing she could do. Why? I mean besides regular 7 years of misfortune… Because, evil spirit trapped in it got free, and anyone caught in reflection any of it’s pieces (?!) will die in the most ridiculous way. Like, when some kid sticks his head in a open bathroom window only to then be squished to death by the windowsill. Priceless!!!  Anyway, he would probably die if he has seen what’s in the bathroom. The first victim of Boogeyman! Lacey’s friend got herself  killed by scissors.

Bah, i just cleaned that tub!!!

Lacey’s husband for some reason takes a shards back to their home and manages to put it back together perfectly in a matter of minutes (Dafaq?). I guess he was great at puzzles back in school. But, couple of shards are still missing. One ended up in Lacey’s eye, possessing her that way.  Other one gets stuck to the bottom of Lacey’s son shoe, causing later a death of couple of innocent passers by who had absolutely nothing with anything here!!!

Gotcha!!!

Willy got his share of dark past too. But he played smarter than his sister. Instead of breaking mirror, he painted black every mirror in house. Poor guy fights with his demons quite well. But at least as scary as evil spirit are their uncle and aunt  (who took them in when they were younger). I was expecting those two to start killing rampage too. Or to die in pain!!!  Unfortunately, none of this had happened.

It seems like director had finally decided on half of a movie in which way story will go, since until then nothing interesting happened. To make long story short (I don’t want to reveal all to you; See by yourselves), other half of movie is filled with bizarre, yet ridiculous and entertaining deaths (Two teenagers died in a car while making out, Lacey’s being possessed and melting her husband’s face with just a look…), Willy’s “first word”, totally random priest  who came up from nowhere and many, many other ripped off unexplained things….

She is gonna melt you!!!

Till death do us part!!!

Conclusion: Even this movie rips off the most important horror movies of ’70s, it still didn’t help it’s performance. This movie is a cheap, unlogical, unoriginal, on a brief moments entertaining piece of crap. And that’s not everything. The very same ending left a space for sequels, which, unfortunately, had been made. The Boogeyman 2 (1983) and The Return of Boogeyman (1994) are also nothing else than a cheap, unlogical, unoriginal piece of crap, consisted mostly of footage from their previous parts and even from several completely different movies. Ulli Lommel, shame on you!!!

Plughead Rewired: Circuitry Man II (1994)

Posted: 30/01/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , ,
0

This monstrosity of a film starts with always lovely Tracy Lords aka as Dr. Norma( ironically her birth name) getting into the brain of notorious cyber criminal master-mind Priest of Pain aka Prince of Plugs aka Plughead. He cuts a deal with her which involves allowing her to have a baby (she is obviasly incapable of  bearing a child). Then the scene is cut and we’re in the prison colony where guard lady is savagely raping  prisoners one at a time!? Two strange prisoners: long haired freak and bold and retarded Shakespearean actor in love with the rock (we didn’t make this up). succeed to escape, it good portion thanks to the said rock that left one of the guards Unconscious. Other one was too busy with forced sex to could catch them in time.

In the meantime tough female cop Kyle (ex-Miss America Deborah Shelton) is interrogating romantic pleasure android aka bio-syntetic Danner Romeo in the insane asylum. He is reluctant but eventually breaks under the pressure and accepts to help her. Plughead made an underground empire for himself by selling illegal age chips (that can obviasly prolong life) to rich and influential men.Why would essentially the same people that are in power decide that Plughead needs to be stopped- well, we’ll find out… Two of them find some crazy person enjoying the virtual party and  he helps them to reach the Brazil America (?!) by means of Zen teleportation (?!!).

Meanwhile Plughead is bonding with Norma, and trying to teach her the joys of killing people by absorbing their life energy, and of course storing them into chips afterwords.

…

Cop and gigolo android successfully reach the desert of Brazil-merica but are unfortunately unprepared for unbreathable conditions there. It seems that their mission will be prematurely finished but with a help of desert mouse they found some turnip which somehow kept them breathing until they confronted some desert terrorist and stole their oxygen- (android was of course trying to make peace but hot-tempered girl shot them fast enough and saved their lives). After that they end up trapped by a crazy soldier, then band of Arabs with female leader shows up and they despite all common sense survive it all. Also tough cop is losing her clothes as the movie progresses and… yes, she’s naked now- and on top of the android that she “hated” just moments ago. Truth be told, she did give him the option of plugging in directly into her brain but he decided to plug in the old fashion way. This robot is not as idiotic as he appears to be.

Circuitry.Man.II.1994.DVDRIP.XVid-CG.avi_003515200

“I’m just a gigolo and everywhere I go, People know the part I’m playin’…”

Bunch of criminals including two escaped prisoners from the beginning of the movie are reaching Plughead headquarters- to seek job as hired goons perhaps? After they plugged out Kyle and Romeo hurry up towards the “secret” headquarters- Romeo even connects with a horse’s brain (even though he refused to do the same with humans) and overclocks the horse who starts galloping like a mad cow or something.

Konj

They finally find and confront Plughead but it turns out that it was a set up, Kyle was working for Plughead all along and he needed Romeo to extract the DNA Sequence that he hid in him long time ago. That particular sequence will somehow allow him to control everyone with chips and the whole wide world with it. We find out that the reason for Kyle’s betrayal was her mother, and her mother was here all along (a half her age) Tracy Lords! They try to explain that she is bio-syntetic that was “born” full grown but somehow that doesn’t make the plot any less idiotic.

Circuitry.Man.II.1994.DVDRIP.XVid-CG.avi_004827160   INTENSE MAN, INTENSE!

Anyway Traci tries to kill Plughead, fails and runs away, convicts start making a mess and almost get killed and in the end Romeo and Plughead have one final battle on the very edge of a final frontier- THEIR MINDS! Plughead seems all powerful but when confronted with corny romantic images of Romeo and Kyle he loses his mind and explodes thus effectively ending all hopes of world domination.Movie ends with a convict/Shakespearean actor reciting marriage vows to happy couples, long- haired convicts and Norma, Romeo and Kyle and himself and… the rock? Damn!

Circuitry.Man.II.1994.DVDRIP.XVid-CG.avi_001228160

              Idiotic cops, two character that serve absolutely no purpose in this movie!

Verdict:  This movie is labeled as a post- apocalyptic flick but it can be better described as a post- film, as it (unplanned by it’s makers) deconstructs all the known laws of film-making and distillates  all the bizarre genre elements you can think of  into an hour an half of pure unexplainable madness. 

On the other side no one plays the parts of  deranged homicidal maniacs quite like Vernon Wells, and his Plughead has all it takes to be out there with the big guys like Freddy, Jason and Meyers, unfortunately to achieve that he would need a hell of a lot better film than this one!

Raptor (2001)

Posted: 21/01/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
2

In 1993 Roger Corman produced a cash in off Jurassic Park, the infamous Carnosaur (see the previous post). As you might have guessed it was the worst imaginable rip off of the said film- with it’s sole original ideal ( terrible one at that)- combining dinosaurs with their small and simple descendants- chickens! Either way the above mentioned movie had couple of equally terrible sequels and then the franchise finally died never to return again. Or is it? In 2001 the B movie guru decided that the time was right  or another dinosaur flick so he just took the footage of his old Carnosaur film (and couple of it’s sequels) spliced it with a soft core porno scene and added Eric Roberts  (thankfully not in the porno scene).

First we have death of teenagers directly lifted from from Carosaurs. Being drunk and horny teenagers fall easy prey to the dinosaur who makes quick work of them. What is the meaning of this? We’ll find out soon enough. Sheriff , Eric Roberts is on the case, along with ugly blond chick, wildlife reserve Marshall or something. Roberts advises his young daughter (also a secretary) not to mess with the deputies and next thing you know we get something like 20 minutes of  sex out of nowhere.Young couple (including Robert’s innocent daughter of course) finally gets interrupted by a dinosaur roar! When the dude goes to check  on the situation he gets mauled by a stop motion toy dinosaur which then attacks the sexy secretary. Secretary escapes in the last possible moment but the car ends up  under the bridge.

https://www.aznude.com/mrskin/lorissamccomas/raptor/raptor-mccomas-sd-01-hi.html

Marathon sex scene (including 4 times repeated booby licking scene)

Roberts finds his porno daughter  but she is  in the state of shock and is almost comatosed (I guess we won’t see her humping other deputies any time soon). He goes to pick up the ugly blond chick- and doesn’t seem too concerned with his daughter’s condition. Meanwhile  an Evil scientist/boss sends his fledgling in the laser room (???) where he gets eaten alive by the mysterious T-Rex Aplha. Roberts investigates the evil Eunice Corporation (manufacturers of chickens by day, cloning super smart dinosaurs by night* Ironically smart dinos is the idea that was later re-used in the second part of much more successful franchise of Jurassic Park.

            Alpha T-Rex enjoys clubbing in his free time

After learning that doctors name is Dr Hyde (hell yeah!) Roberts begins to suspects something.   Ugly blond chick wakes up the porno daughter with a recording of a dinosaur roar (that she has in her possession for some reason. She explains what happened in a funny whiny voice and the doctor finds her delusional. Then blond chick gets all worked up and tries to get on top of Roberts but he decides that he would rather break into the evil corporation headquarter than plow her. But we still get to see her in her lingerie.

Black deputy decides to do some work without his fearless leather Roberts and as with any supporting character of African descent he gets ripped apart by an evil creature. He gets to wound the dino in the process so giving the circumstances we can call it a small victory. Also he is 10 years younger in that scene which suggests another borrowed scene from Carnosaur.

Ugly blond chick examines the deputy’s corpse and finds a dinosaur tooth. After that Roberts is determent more than ever to bring down the Eunice Corporation. Roberts  serves Hyde a warrant and he of course denies everything  and talks some donkey poo about us being genetically  related to cats! Blondie accuses him of cloning dinosaur a he pulls a gun at her… and Roberts being a gentleman surrenders. Hyde captures them instead of just offing them right there.  Military decides to stop him, because they first started the project and don’t want to be involved in a scandal. They call Delta Command (unfortunately without Chuck Norris).

Hmmmmm…

In the meantime the Robert’s got a ace up his sleeve. He put lady deputy/secretary in charge of shutting down the power in Eustice in the case they don’t come back in couple of hours. in the meantime Marines land of the premises all gang ho mood and  then you know the shit hit the fan. Without the electricity the cool lasers that keep dinosaurs at bay disappear and the army of super- smart dinos start destroying everything in their path, mostly marines.Commander smartly decides to simplify the mission and blow everything up.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xwxjke_raptor-elevator-scene_animals#.UP2W1fLjH-I

WARNING: DON’T USE ELEVATORS WHEN DINOSAURS ARE ON THE LOOSE!!!

Military chick tries to get a helicopter in the air but strangely there is a dinosaur on the back seat!!! Helicopter of course drops down and explodes but succeeds to kill one of the evil scientist in the process. Sheriff teams up with the Delthas and they work together to get past dinos before it’s too late. Also two of the soldiers go all genocidal on the dinosaur eggs and get the big mommy T- Rex on their feet- to make thing even worse. Evil Dr. Hyde seemingly escapes just to be decapitated by a mommy T- Rex- who experience the similar fate when Roberts jumps in to save the day with a bulldozer). Facility finally blows up, soldiers go away and Robert takes the ugly blond chick home for some gradituos sex we presume …and all is good with the world. Or is it?

Just keep hammering away and soon enough you’ll be extinct too!

Carnosaur (1993)

Posted: 17/01/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
5

In 1993, just one year after the legendary Jurassic Park world famous B- Movies maestro Roger Corman had an answer for it. Adaptation of  John Brosnan’s Carosaur (although the final product shared only the title with the book and almost nothing else). Brosnan was first approached to write the screenplay by Roger Corman’s wife Julie, who formalized the deal at Brosnan’s drinking club, and drew the contract on a bar napkin to seal the deal! You know you’re getting something legendary with a start like that!

See, from a dawn of time man wanted to solve the mystery of dinosaurs. The problem is that they are extincted and bones give you only a limited pool of information. So, why not clone them? Ok, I can dig that.  But cloning them using a chickens is absolutely idiotic!!!  And that’s just what the evil corporation EUNICE (we know it’s evil since they got ‘infinite’ sign under their logo) does! Their employees drive around the trucks full of chicken. But those aren’t an ordinary chickens. No, those are MAD chickens!!! Something is clearly bothering them. Not surprising when we learn that the chairman of EUNICE is some insane old woman (interestingly the mother of the Laura Dern, the Jurassic Park actress) . During the unloading  of trucks one  mutated chicken brakes loose and starts the rampage. By breaking loose I mean on exiting it’s eggshell and attacking truck driver in orgies of blood. I believe we got the answer on question that had been troubling scientists for centuries – what is more lethal: the chicken or egg?

Escaped hatchling disappears into the desert. Local cowboy, who happens to be black (?!) finds the body of disemboweled truck driver. While investigation stands still, mutated chicken strikes again!!! This time victims are 3 drunk and horny teenagers. They were on their picnic in the desert (I guess infinite sight of sand and nothingness really turns them on). They made a quick stop on some sand hill in order to start another orgies (regular orgies this time, not in blood). While some guy and his girlfriend had their share of hot sun in the car, the third one went out to take a piss and finish his last beer (and i mean really LAST). He throws away empty beer bottle and starts emptying his hose. It turns out that the mutated chicken has been really pissed off by such negligence towards nature environment since it attacked our boy and bit off his wang. Let this be a lesson to you kids – always recycle or you could end up dickless. Mutated chicken is still hungry after previous sausage feast so it decided it’s time for main course. Yes, that’s right. Our lovers will have honor to satisfy our friend’s hunger. As it always happens to be, they got attacked on a highlight of their “socializing”. More orgies of blood, guts and some boobs. On it’s way home our pet sweetens the meal with an extra- two cops.

      ” Hello, I am  John Carl Buechler and this is  my friend, the Carosaur…”

We are back to EUNICE  quarters. It seems that chickens production is nothing else than a cover. A bad cover if I might add. Apparently EUNICE is secret government company who are also the leaders in biological research. We see secret room with a lasers and one full grown dinosaur who’s size rapidly changes from scene to scene. Dino-disco as we call it. Insane old woman apparently knows about this case even more than a her bosses from government. In the meantime police had found a bodies of teenagers and their colleagues. Blood and guts everywhere, disemboweled bodies, torned off body parts – and their main suspect is bobcat!!! How original!!! They might as well close the case.

The Prime Suspect!

Now back to killing. Despite the recent murders, a couple of hippies tied up themselves in a desert as part of their protest against nature pollution and EUNICE experiments. Of course, mutated chicken , which is now full grown dinosaur, didn’t  want to offend hippies by rejecting such an open invitation for another feast and attacks them in the worst stop motion attempt of all times!!! Those hippies will never learn.
Something is rotten in this town. We are now in cowboy’s house, when he tries to prepare his breakfast. One egg after another – all bad eggs. But not an ordinary bad eggs….these one are green and their stench is poisonous. One even had a dino- hatchling inside. One of insane woman coworkers (our main hero, btw) comes to investigate this. After series of tests he came to conclusion that he doesn’t know a shit about this so he decides to confront his boss. She told him that she developed a special virus which makes women to give a birth to dinosaurs (as can be seen in following scenes)!!!

Giving birth to a dinosaur, not an easy task!

Why then testing it on a chickens, you may ask. Beats a hell out of me if I know!!! Anyway, she claims that humans have destroyed nature order and that she just tries to restore a balance to nature. How can this be true? Dinosaurs are gone long before humans even existed. A smart person shouldn’t be this dumb. She meets her end after giving a birth after she previously infected herself. Well, that’s a dedicated scientist.
But it seems that her plan works. Women from all over the town are giving a birth to hatchlings after which they die. How did they become infected remains a mystery to me. By eating a bad eggs, perhaps? Hm, never mind that. In this moment, town has been occupated by US army, who have come to kill a chicken. Says enough about US army skills, don’t you agree?
Outside, cowboy is fighting an escaped hatchling. He got deadly wounded but manages, with his last strength, to shoot a dino in the head with his shotgun. A bloody end for the both of them. But this is not end of troubles for good people in this small town. Not by far. Remember a laser room? A genuine dinosaur (something like T-rex) had escaped by breaching a thick steel wall with it’s head (?!). Our main hero had come just in time for the final battle. He sits in a bulldozer toy. In following 10 minutes we observe a fight between bulldozer toy and dinosaur toy.

The Eternal struggle between a Dinosaur and a Bulldozer!

The winner is scientist since he managed to impale dino with buldozer forks for a several times, ending it’s existence with the most ridiculous catchphrase of all times “I hate wildlife”. He got rewarded for all of his troubles. He was firstly riddled with bullets and then torched! No good goes unpunished it seems!
Verdict:  The Government decided to destroy all evidence of the dinosaur invasion, if only they  destroyed this movie too this world would have been a happier place.  
Older Entries
Newer Entries