Archive for the ‘Trash movies’ Category

Clownhouse (1989)

Posted: 21/10/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , ,
1

 

For reasons known only to them, MGM had decided to make another evil clowns flick, one year after their (in)famous Killer Klowns From Outer Space. But unlike the said movie, Clownhouse is neither fun nor watchable. Nor worth of remembering.

This cheap attempt of exploitation of people’s fear of clowns starts on one windy night, in front of “American dream” house. But wind is not the only present there. There is also a human doll hanging of the tree. Inside the house, in one of the rooms, 10 years old kid Casey (played by Nathan Forrest Winters) wakes up, walks to one of the windows, sees hanging doll followed by piece of paper with clown drawn onto it and wets his pants. But wait! It was just a dream.  Well, except wetting part. He did wet his bed. And not for the first time. It seems that such thing happens to him often since his nerdy looking brother  Geoffrey (played by Brian McHugh) already possesses a routine in disposing of the evidences. But not this morning! Their oldest brother Randy (played by Sam  Rockwell) storms in the room, thus discovering a nasty deed of Casey. As it always happens, the oldest brother is usually the biggest jerk and bully. Anyway, all three of them are about to go together to local circus that evening. Somewhere along the way they see several police cars with sirens on driving in  haste. Their remark “Trouble at a nuthouse…Where the crazy people live” accurately reflects their IQ and state of mind.

Yard decorationYard decoration.

Later that evening they visited a fat guy dressed like one-eyed woman fortune teller. (S)he predicts great danger for all of them, and especially for Casey.  Bad for her as well since they stormed out of her tent without paying for her services (not that kind of services). I bet she didn’t see that coming!!! So  much about her foretelling powers. Anyway, Casey was really shaken after that which resulted in his freaking out in front of entire town because Cheezo,  Bippo and Dippo clowns wanted to play with him. And similar thing had happened a year before. That kid sure hates clowns. And for some reason that was the  end of the show.

Now who would find this funnyNow, who would find this funny?

But Cheezo, Bippo and Dippo must be punished for their crime! Soon after the show, while they were doing some gay talk and heavy drinking, three escaped  mental patients had sneaked in, brutally slaughtered them (of course, good people from MGM didn’t bother to show us actual act of killing, despite the fact  this was supposed to be a horror movie), and stole their costumes. While wandering around dressed like clowns they had finally stumbled upon the house of our 3 stooges. And as you could take guess, they have been left completely alone in house, while their parents were somewhere on party. People among you that  were lucky enough to not watch this movie (oh how I envy them) are now probably guessing that, at this very point, the real horror is going to take a place.  That’s so naive of you to think that MGM would do such logical thing. In next half an hour or so, barely anything is happening. Evil clowns are walking  through the house completely unnoticed (with a short leave of absence to kill a store clerk), Randy being a jerk and bully as usual (also he dressed himself  as a clown so he could scare his younger brothers), Casey’s hallucinations, Geoffrey being a pathetic nerd and doing nothing.

This kid has some serious mental problemsThis kid has some serious mental problems!

Our boys have finally noticed that there are clowns in their house exactly one hour after the movie had started (don’t get your hopes up – this movie is not  going to be more interesting). First one to spot escaped mental patients was Randy. Too bad for him since he died a minute after that, while still dressed as a clown. Well, he got what he asked for. Can’t really say I am sorry, neither. Kid was demented jerk. Geoffrey and Casey find Randy’s corpse hanging in front of house. Casey freaks out as usual and Geoffrey is trying to calm him down. And what would be better way to chill out than dragging corpse of your brother  and putting it in closet (?!). Now it is time for revenge. Evil Bippo (played by Byron Weible) and evil Dippo (played by David C. Reinecker) are about to get their asses kicked by two 10 years old. One gets killed by Casey and the other one gets thrown out of a window. Now, I know people get adrenalin rush when  they are in danger but it is still hard for me to believe that two 10 years old kids could throw full grown 120 kg madman like that. Still, it had happened.  Eventually, evil Cheezo (played by Tree) gets an axe into his back while fighting with Casey. And that is the end of this horror.

?

Conclusion: I can’t believe that movie about escaped mental patients dressed like murdering clowns can be so boring. Unlike Killer Klowns From Outer Space,  MGM tried here to be more realistic and serious. The only serious thing here is how seriously they had failed. Even a base set up wasn’t completely correct.  Most of the time kids are as deranged as escaped mental patients (and that is not due to fear). I am not sure how Victor Salva (writer and director of this movie) imagines realistic horror. I guess he is few clowns short of a circus.

Trivia: Victor Salva was such a pervert that he went to jail guilty of child sex abuse before this movie was even released. On the other hand, that didn’t stop him from directing a commercial success Powder for Walt Disney’s studios  only 3 years after his release. See children, Disney is always on the side of evil. 

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

Posted: 14/10/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , ,
5

The movie starts with MGM logo soon fallowed with a deranged song about clowns and you know right away this you’re in for one  weird experience tonight. The music then changes into smooth jazz and then we see a parking lot with a bunch of teenagers making out. Some idiots brothers show up and try to sell them icescream in the middle of the night interrupting them and they almost miss the falling star because of it too. Only the falling star is not star at all- it’s a spaceship!

killer_klowns_from_outer_space_movie_poster_horror_comedy_reviewNo Icecream? Oh, the horror!

Two of the teenagers,  Mike Tobacco and his girl Debbie find the ship that is also a Circus tent (and it already claimed it’s first victim- the crazy old man. He doesn’t find anything strange in the fact that there’s a circus in the middle of the forest and decides that it must be of the more avant-garde European ones- (as someone living in Europe I can assure you that circuses are pretty much the same wherever you go). Anyway two of them start exploring the ship until they run into one of the aliens… I mean clowns and then they finally figure out that something is wrong.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space 1988 DVDRip XviD AC3 - KINGDOM.avi_000497622

He wasn’t expecting this… on the other hand who would?

Evil clown starts chasing them, hunting them with his dog made out of balloon. They do the reasonable thing and hit him with a car but that doesn’t really stop him. If anything it seemingly motivates all the clowns to come down from the woods and have some fun in the city And what fun they had!

They are all set for night of clowning around!

One of them played in the drugstore, another made a street puppet show, one surprised an old lady with a present and my favorite one made friends with a biker gang (*see below). In the meantime Mike and Debbie report a murder and try to explain the treat of the clowns to the police- as you can guess that doesn’t go so well. Young blond cop Dave Hanson  (also Debbie’s ex- boyfriend) finally accepts that something funny is going on (no pun intended) and goes to investigate but the old officer decides stays in the station and is firm in his decision to ignore multiple distress calls from over town (and his other decision to get drunk while doing so). When Mike and Dave return to the station in hope of reasoning with the officer they find  out that  he is already dead and one of the clowns even uses him as a hand puppet.Truly bizarre! In the meantime the others of the merry gang of aliens are busy storing human bodies into cotton candy cocoons– so they can drink their blood later- yes it seems the title was not really precise one, it should be Vampire Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

Clown walks into a drugstore, you know that one, right?

Clowns making friends everywhere they go!

I love this scene!

They finally organize picking up the irritating brothers with an ice-cream truck in the way and fallow clown all the way to a deserted amusement park where they finally confront them. Also idiot brothers menage to have sex with two of the female clowns somehow!!! Anyway it turns out they were way over their heads. Just when they finally think they got away cleverly using an ice cream truck as a distraction a GIANT KILLER KLOWN shows up and starts causing a ruckus. Irritating brothers explode into nothingness (finally!) but the rest of them find a way out and get out of the tent in the last possible seconds before tent becomes a flying saucer and goes away. Ship lifts up a bit but then explodes in the way of pretty purple fireworks. Small clown car crashes from the sky and the irritating brothers WHO JUST DIED MINUTES AGO come out of it with some imbecilic explanation and the movie ends- a lot worse than it began,

And now enjoy this extraordinary song from the Killer Klowns OST (by The Dickies), it makes as much sense as the movie itself!

Verdict: I could easily envision Tim Burton directing a remake of this film, one bit more streamlined story-wise and definitely more epic visually. Someone like him could pull this off even in his sleep. Chiodo who directed this one- not so much. But don’t get me wrong, with all its faults  this is still one hell of an entertaining flick but if you want to watch one evil clown movie- I would still probably recommend TV adaptation of Stephen King’s IT. But this one is solid second place!

Trivia: The Chiodo Brother are currently working on the sequel titled Return of the Killer Klowns from Outer Space in 3D, targeted for 2015 release.

Night of the Demons (1988)

Posted: 25/09/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , ,
1

When you hear “Teen horror” phrase most of you automatically thinks of modern, new age trash horrors. And you are not wrong. But, like everything else in  life, this also has a role model. And I firmly believe that role model for modern trash teen horrors is exactly this movie. Even the title was cliché, even  for 80s era.

It’s Halloween. A group of teenagers consisted of fat guy with pig snout, transsexual black dude, and awful acting little blonde, is driving around  neighborhood, scaring people with loud music (and their look, if I might add) and showing their asses to local old man jerk (played by Harold Ayer) who  clearly hates everything that is not at least 100 years old. Fat guy is called Stooge (played by Hal Havins), bad acting blonde is Helen (played by Allison
Barron) and the guy dressed like transsexual gypsy is Rodger (played by Alvin Alexis).

PigstyPigsty

On the other side of the town, the second bad acting blonde Judy (played by Cathy Podewell) is rushing into her house after previously being called “little  whore” by old man jerk. In that moment, her boyfriend Jay (played by Lance Fenton) is calling her by phone. They are talking about some party and other teen  craps. We can see some nice tits while Judy is changing her clothes to Alice from Wonderland costume. Her younger brother Billy (played by Donnie Jeffcoat  Jr.) also agrees with us, since he made several remarks about size of his sister’s tits (?!). Meanwhile, in local store the third bad acting blonde Suzanne  (played by Linnea Quigley) is making diversion by showing her ass to two retarded clerks while her creepy witch-dressed friend Angela (played by Mimi  Kinkade) is stealing some provisions. After the deed is done, Suzanne turns around, shows her face (which is not as nice as her ass) and walks outside to  meet with Angela. Also, Suzanne turns out to be horny slut.

Veeeery good fairyVeeeery good fairy!!!

Now what connects all of these colorful characters? I will tell you. They are all going to Halloween party hosted by Angela in some creepy old house. But  it’s not an ordinary creepy old house. No, it is Hall family house!!! Legend has it that old man Hall had slaughtered his entire family and then committed  suicide many years ago on Halloween! Now, that’s original! Anyway, Judy and her boyfriend Jay are first to arrive there along with young Asian couple (you  can’t go wrong with Asians) Max (played by Philip Tanzini) and Frannie (played by Jill Terashita). Shortly after the rest of the gang arrives, including  jealous jerk Sal (played by William Gallo), who got info about party location by bribing Billy. Stooge and Sal, when standing together, are pretty much look  like Bulk and Skull from Power Rangers. So, the party can finally start. It goes like any other party. They are drinking, dancing, both guys and girls are
trying to score but fail miserably nevertheless… Until the moment one of them finds some strange mirror in one of backrooms. But, this is not an ordinary  mirror. No, this one shows a demon inside it after you look at it for some time. Or at least it used to show until bunch of dumb teenagers managed to shatter  it. Having nowhere to go poor demon decides to let Suzanne inhales him. Trying to reduce general panic and keep party going on, Suzanne kisses Angela thus  infecting her with demon essence. And that’s when real party is about to start. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Looks like Suzanne's reflection to meLooks like Suzanne’s reflection to me.

At this point everyone would expect nothing but a slaughter until the end of movie. WRONG AGAIN!!! Next 30 minutes is consisted of chasing through the house,  separating each couple into different rooms and more pathetic attempts to score on both sides. Jay was close to nailing Judy but she refused him despite the  fact she didn’t put her panties on for tonight. If that’s not sex signal and sex preparation than I don’t know what it is. Anyway, Stooge chases away Sal so  he could be alone with Angela in of the rooms. Shortly after, infected Angela starts some sort of weird seduction dance. And that goes for a while and  eventually results in Angela biting off Stooge’s tongue. Sal finds Suzanne covered with lipstick showing her tits. But he isn’t thrilled with that. It turns  out that Sal is not such a jerk as he seemed to be. After being again left alone and horny Suzanne decides to make her own fun. But not in a way you might  think. She puts a lipstick into her tit through her nipple!!! Perversion just got new level of sickness!!! After being rejected by Judy, Jay comes to Suzanne with a hope of heating her oven instead. And he did it…for a while. The thing is, when she was about to  reach orgasm, her face became even more grotesque and she poked Jay’s eyes. At least he died with a woman on top of himself. Well, half-woman half-demon. Meanwhile, in the coffin located in a center of main room, Max is already giving Frannie what she needs the most. In that moment Stooge comes, kills Frannie  and cut Max’s arm off with a coffin lid. Outside, cowardly transsexual Rodger hides in the car, together with Helen. But that couldn’t help since Helen ended  up dead on the roof of car. Rodger started screaming like a little girl.

More titsMore tits!

All that is left of this movie is it’s surviving part. The only survivors, Rodger, Judy and Sal, are running for their sorry asses, being chased by demons  itself and their fallen comrades. Somehow, they realized that they should leave Hall property before the sunrise or they are going to be trapped there  forever!!! That’s a bad thing! Anyhow, nothing worth of mentioning about their escape expect perhaps Sal’s ridiculous death near his own grave. Eventually,
Rodger and Judy had managed to cross the wall of the property thus saving themselves. There was slight possibility that Judy won’t make it out alive, but on our disappointment, she did.

At least they don't need to move far his corpseAt least they don’t need to move far his corpse

But, it is not an end. Remember old man jerk from the beginning? Well, he got his share of slaughter too. His wife baked him a pie with a special  ingredient… Razors! That resulted in hideous death of old jerk. I can’t blame his wife after all. He was an old, annoying cunt.

ComeupanceComeuppance!

Conclusion: For a teen slasher from 80s this is pretty boring movie. Nothing actually happens in first hour of the movie. I can’t say low budget is thing to  blame. Camera and footage are decent. Same goes for some of the effects. Casting is terrible at best. Actors are irritating, annoying, and I really wished for gruesome death of their characters. Story is shallow, already seen for so many times, with bad realization. My advice is to stay away of this movie unless you got absolutely nothing better to do. Like scrubbing the toilet for example.

Fatal Deviation (1998)

Posted: 17/09/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
0

We watched some crazy flicks here at WM but there is one that truly stands out head and shoulders above the rest. It’s a  Martial Arts flick,  but a Martial Arts flick from the most unique place… and that place is Ireland! Yes, they are Martial Artist in Ireland and (at least one) Martial Arts filmmaker, and his name is (in this movie as in his real life) James “Jimmy” Bennet. Now let’s get down to business!

After 10 long years of absence, seasoned and successful  Martial Artist  decides to return to his home town to reconnect with his roots and more importantly discover the truth about the passing of his father Bennet Sr. While narrating his thoughts to the audience Bennet grabs a photograph of his father all samurai looking from the wall (decorated with numerous photographs of Bennet himself and also mulleted Van Damme from Hard Target for some reason), throws in into a bag and starts his long road home.

After a sad song he is finally home just to find it abandoned. He finds a little Buddah statuete on the floor and gets flashback of his training with his father right away. Next he goes to get some groceries just to find local morons stealing and harassing big blond chick who works there. He demonstrates his Van Damme- like kicking ability and stops them. We get some more flashback scenes of his childhood and then the same blond chick manages to get in trouble AGAIN. This time it’s long haired ginger dude (and his friend) speaking with such heavy Irish accent that it’s almost completely impossible to decipher what is he threatening her with. Anyway Bennet shows up and after verbally kicking their ass with “Why don’t you boy scouts go and play in the woods” he asks them and then  demonstrates some more kicking arsenal.

Now we learn who the mysterious Mickey is (the man who sent ginger dude and his friend), he is the grandson of the Drug Baron … the same man who MURDERED HIS FATHER (que in some dramatic music). And while good ol’ Jimmy Bennet practices his deadly Martial Arts Blondie rides a bike to his place. She came all this way to thank him, the only way a girl can thank a man… by giving him a pie she backed for him. Then she rides away.This girl obviously has to much free time on her hand. Anyway some of the Baron’s goons show up (even uglier than the last too) and Jimmy visits the Drug Baron who then offers him a job.

Before deciding anything Bennet takes Blondie on a proper date- a Carnival. There we can see all four women living in this village and then it’s painfully clear why did the trailer say “a hot chick” for Blondie despite her somewhat robust, sturdy built. She truly is the hottest chick in her village, but only because the other 3 don’t really resemble human females.After an obviously fun night by Irish standards Bennet falls asleep and in his dream he remember the horrible truth, he was present as the old crime boss (man barely capable of walking) sliced his father with a Katana blade. He sets his mind at ease with some running and doing some Kempo Karate forms as the sun rises.

Then the plot thickens! A mysterious Celtic Monk (seen earlier stalking Bennet) posts a notification for The Tournament (it seems Ireland also has a long tradition of secret underground fighting). Drug Baron ensures everyone their man, who should be back from Hong Kong any minute now ,Seagul ( obviously an Irish answer to Steven Seagal), will be a sure winner. They see the Tournament as a way to demonstrate that they hold the whole village in the palm of their hands (even thou that doesn’t seem so impressive when you think about it). Monk then appears in front of the Bennet’s house and invites him to the Tournament. Blondie seems trilled about it, it seems she’s also a martial arts aficionado. Anyway Bennet starts getting into (more) shape with some stick fighting and hitting a heavy bag but Monk appears again out of nowhere and invites him to come tomorrow and “walk with him”. So they meet in the woods the next day and the mysterious Monk informs him that he will train him for the tournament, just like he trained his father. And then sends him home and explains that his training will begin tomorrow. Man, he is trolling Bennet big time! The training mostly consists of doing exercises while the old man plays bagpipes but we also get a scene of Monk with Kali sticks which is absolutely precious!

Trening

Now this is what I call training!

Bennet takes a break from the hard training by going  on a picnic with Blondie but just when they’re about to kiss for the first time (yes, it took him THAT long) they are interrupted by Drug Baron’s goons on motorcycles. A ridiculous chase and shootout ensue and Blondie ends up kidnapped.  It turns out that Mickey, the Baron’s grandson is to blame.  “You make me look bad… and that’s not good!” Mickey utters to Blondie and she promises that Bennet will come after her.

Now enraged and desperate Bennet prepares to break Drug Baron’s hold of the city and get his girl back. He is flooded by memories of times they shared together including some previous scenes like riding horses and stuff… and some scenes that ABSOLUTELY didn’t happen like a sex scene . They didn’t even kiss for Christ’s sake! A this point you have to ask yourself is Bennet completely delusional?

Fatal DeviationSeriously, her shoulders are broader than his!

Now the Tournament starts and we can see that people here really enjoy fighting, lots of older people (man and especially the women) and there in the ruins of an old castle to see people fight. Bennet does his best Van Damme impersonations while demolishing one opponent after another. In the end there’s only two man standing and that’s him and Seugul.

Soon to be just one of course. Irish Seagal unfortunately proves that he is not the Martial Artist as an American version. He compensates that with his sheer size and strength and even menages to make problems for Bennet (in big part by using a large chunk of wood to hit him in the head) but in the most critical moment the Celtic Monk calls for the most powerful technique and soon the whole crown chants “FATAL DEVIATION, FATAL DEVIATION…” So Bennet digs deep and manages to perform it perfectly (with some help from the editing room ) thus destroying his opponent.

Now this is simply brilliant!

He doesn’t have time to celebrate ’cause he has to race to get his girl back. This leads straight into a fantastic (apparently non- scripted) car crash and a post production CGI explosion that lasts about two seconds and doesn’t mask the fact that the car is not burning at all.

Epic shootout scenes fallow and are stooped just so we can see a bare- assed man running across the field for absolutely no reason! After a “tense” stand- off Bennet confronts Mickey and breaks his neck. Then we cut in to the quiet picnic and Bennet and Blondie are obviously trying to continue what they started earlier. But they are out of luck again. The incredibly old man, Drug Baron appears out of thin air with a shotgun and proclaims “You killed my son, now I’m going to kill you- just as killed your father”. Jimmy B seems ready for this and he answers “ You killed my father, now I’m going to kill you- just like I killed your son”. Of course he fallows that up by disarming the frail old man and shooting him into oblivion. Then he and Blondie embrace knowing that the nightmare is finally over.

For now this is the best Kung Fu film Ireland has ever produced. But we’re still waiting on the fabled Celtic Samurai flick (trailer unfortunately removed from youtube as of now) to see how it will stack up.

Bennet as a guest on Nationwide (during the shooting of Fatal Deviation)

Trivia: Jimmy Bennet actually DID make it in life, even thou it took  years for his “masterpiece” to see light of the day. He doesn’t work on the farm no more, he is a bona fide Hollywood stuntman working on such films as  Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Lone Ranger. Soon he will also perform in the Swelter with his long time idol and inspiration Van Damme. But I sincerely hope he doesn’t forget where he came from and soon decides to surprise as all with another Irish Martial Arts Action- fest.  Now, that would be a treat!

Tutorial: If you were impressed by Jimmy Bennet’s “secret technique” and want to learn to do it- no problem. Fatal Deviation is in fact regular part of the curriculum of Ed Parker’s American Kempo Karate and here you have his black belt Jeff Speakman (Mr. Perfect Weapon himself) demonstrating this combination.

Klown Kamp Massacre (2010)

Posted: 10/09/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , ,
0

Someone really had nothing better to do than to try to show us that becoming a clown isn’t that easy and fun as it may look like. No, you need to pass  special training to become an idiot who scares more people than actually made laughing. Now, why anyone would be interested in hearing and watching about  clown career? Beats me. You should ask writers and directors of this movie David C. Valdez and Philip H.R. Gunn. But I doubt you would get any sane answer.

So, the beginning of the movie delivers us what is stated in it’s title. One of the clowns goes insane for some reason and starts slaughtering other clowns  in Klown Kamp , in many sick and twisted ways (including scalping one of them and mixing his brains with cornflakes). He manages to escape on foot thus  entering the legend, in what is now known as The Massacre at Bonzo ranch. Fast forward 15 years later. We see person who is obviously a killer watching  Unsolved Clown Murders on TV, laughing at attempts of capturing Edwin the Clown (yeah, that’s him). Show is over, and after brief commercials, old Bonzo  (played by Michael L. Miller) shows his fat ass on TV, announcing grand re-opening of Klown Kamp. That info makes Edwin (played Jared Herholtz) freaks out,  jumps out of his chair and throw a pie at screen. For a killer clown who got away, he sure looks nervous.
Is there Unsolved Clown Mysteries as well                                                                 Is there Unsolved Clown Mysteries as well?

 
The word about Klown Kamp reopening spreads quickly and wannabe clowns from all 4 parts of the country are already heading to Bonzo ranch. First group of  clowns is already near, on gas station. One of them is retard clown Lenny (no, that is not his act, he is just mentally challenged), but keeping in mind  behavior of rest of town population, I doubt that anyone would notice. On their way out, insane town drunk Crazy Ernie (played by Kevin R. Elder)  intercepts and serves them a story about death curse and mad killer, but he got wrong location. He was talking about death curse on Kamp Sparkling Lake, and  looked really dumb when one of the clowns had pointed him that they are heading to Bonzo ranch. I guess this was supposed to be comical relief, but it only  looked sad. Clowns started arriving to Bonzo ranch. Besides Lenny (played by Reuben Finkelstein), there are as well balloon-specialist clown Philbert (played  by Ross Kelly), magician clown Puff (played by Chris Payne) and Squirts (played by Sandor Gattyan) who does exactly what his artistic name states. He wears
nothing but a raincoat, masturbates all time and asks people if anyone would like to see his penis. Oh yeah, and he is German. But one of them will not reach  her destination. It is some hippie clown chick. She was walking to Bonzo ranch when she hitchhiked another clown driving Volkswagen Bug. After having the  largest joint I have ever seen, she noticed that there is a sunroof on VW Bug (?!), takes her top off, squeeze through sunroof and shows us her boobies. Now,  instead of scoring her, like any normal streight man would do, he pulls her back to the seat, goes off the road and starts driving in circle faster and  faster (it is just badly speeded up video) until her head blew up!!! Now, I’ll take this opportunity and make a request for Jamie and Oliver from Mythbusters  to check if this is possible, by any circumstances!!!

Head blowing speed.

All clowns have arrived and now it is time for their training to start. Their instructor clown Sgt. Funnybone (played by Miguel Martinez) is conducting  military way of training. Even clowns needs to be disciplined. One of them is hot Valerie (played by Ashley Bryce), who is Bonzo’s granddaughter. Yeah, she  is a clown too. Valerie gets flashbacks from her childhood, when her father was harassing her. Just to mention. Meanwhile, clown servant Tex (played by Chad  Brummeit) is in the back shack, doing the hay baling. As you could guess, Edwin shows up and puts Tex into baling machine. Result of that is one bloody hay  bale. Ok, moving on. Following night, clowns are having bonfire outside telling scary stories. Gangsta clown Buzter Pie (played by Isaac Kappy) tells them  about death curse on this camp and why this place has been shut down for 15 years. Apparently, young boy Edwin wanted to pursue his lifelong dream of  becoming a clown (yeah, you’ll read “clown” word many more times in this review). For his final exam he needed to make other clowns laugh. He prepared a  special joke for that evening. He would succeed if there wasn’t one reckless clown who got a call on his cell phone right in the moment when Edwin was doing  his act. That broke the atmosphere, no one laughed at his performance and that made him berserk. He took revenge on entire camp, slicing and dicing each and  one of them. There you have it people. If someone doesn’t laugh to your jokes, you have full right to slaughter him.

Now who is being naive                                                              Now who is being naive?

Next morning, it is pie tossing training. As usual, Valerie and Philbert are late. Philbert really puts an effort in order to Valerie allows him to fill her  circus tent. He took the blame, and as for punishment Sgt. Funnybone ordered him and Puff to transport barrel of Grandma Bonzo’s Super-seltzer through the  woods. Buzter is there as well, for some reason. Meanwhile, on the other side of woods Crazy Ernie comes to warn them about death curse (again), but he  failed due the fact that he was eaten by a bear. There goes one true hero. Anyway, Sgt. Funnybone went into the woods, looking for delayed super-seltzer  delivery. It turns out that it wasn’t clever idea since Edwin smashed a pie into his face, followed by knife to make sure pie is going to stay on Sergeant’s  face. And that’s how Sgt. Faunnybones’s reign of terror ended.

Dishonorable dischargeDishonorable discharge!

Clowns are throwing a party the very same night (probably to celebrate reduced competition). Also, they smuggled some alcohol and prostitutes. Before party  even started, old Bonzo got himself hung by Edwin. Valerie started showing her hotspots for Philbert but it all went cold when she found him with  prostitutes. Squirts was watching sex between clowns when his throat got slit by Edwin. Instead of saying last, wise words, Squirts cummed on his own face,  thus dying with smile. Since this movie is only consisted of brutal kills, I won’t make any more spoilers. I’ll give you a hint of what you should  expect….Seltzer filled with acid, decapitated man living normally, Valerie reveals her murder of her father (blaming it on Latino dude), and many more sick  murders…Now, for grand finale, Edwin placed every victim from camp as his audience in re-creation of his final exam evening… Only Valerie is left alive,  and she is meant to help him perform his act. Pay attention now. It turns out that everything was a set up by old Bonzo, for his new reality show named “You  have been clowned!!!” The worst twist ending ever!!!

Cum-shot

Conclusion: If you thought this is parody of some more famous movie, you got it all wrong. This is pure insanity and dementia. Scenes are so awful that it  seems directors were filming them once per a month and then assembling them in a movie maker. Not to mention that entire Earth is devoted to clowns. I  struggled to understand director’s message, I really was, but couldn’t make any sense of it eventually. Also, a bunch of sick murders doesn’t make a good  horror movie. But what would you expect from Troma? And for the end, here is the message from “I can’t believe it is not a Hollywood” productio: You guys  should change a name to “I can’t believe that this is considered a movie”

Act of Piracy (1990)

Posted: 03/09/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , ,
0

act-of-piracy-movie-poster-1988-1010469415
Gary Busey had his moments in bad action movies (mostly in the 80’s), but “Act of Piracy” is so boring, bad and predictable that I would be surprised if many  people remembered it. It was one of the last Busey’s attempts to play good, family guy before he switched to bad-guys roles. Seeing this movie, I am  surprised he hadn’t it come earlier.

Film starts on some yacht carelessly cruising the sea. It is the yacht of Ted Andrews (played by Gary Busey). Ted is obviously not enjoying the cruise. He is  trying to reach a certain Sandy by the phone. She hung up on him when she heard his voice. That really have pissed him off so, in the next scene, Ted storms  into Sandy’s house by breaking a front door. Busey style, hell yeah!!! It turns out that Sandy (played by Belinda Bauer) is his ex-wife. Her current  boyfriend Dennis (played by Dennis Casey Park) is also there, but he does nothing about Ted’s busting in (*cough* pussy). Apparently, Ted wants to get  married (seems to me that he just repeats a mistake he already did). He found a buyer for his “Barracuda” yacht. Actually, girl named Laura came to him and  asked if yacht is for sale. That is how he met his girlfriend. Laura said that she knows Australian billionaire who is interested in “Barracuda”. Buyer offers  good amount of money, cash payment on delivery, with money expenses for sailing around Sydney. So, Ted decides to take his children on cruise. Sandy refuses  his request, but only for a short time, since Ted threatened her with reporting Dennis to police for stealing and cheating on people. This caused a brief  hysterical seizure to Sandy.

This is not what you think it isThis is not what you think it is.

We are back to Barracuda now. Ted and his girlfriend Laura (played by Nancy Mulford) are standing on the deck. Laura seems to be a bit nervous about meeting  his family. Her fears were solid based since she got chewed out by Ted’s kids Tracy and Mark during dinner that evening. Ted’s Brother C.W. (played by  Douglas Bristow) and his wife Nadine (played by Nadine O’Brian) are also there. Also, we find out that Ted is Vietnam veteran and Navy Seal Instructor (you  can’t go wrong with putting ex-agents into a movie). Later that night, shits are starting to happen. One of crew members, Scotty, comes in Ted’s room and  informs him that there is some speedboat following them. Ted goes to ivestigate leaving Scoty and Laura alone in the room. Laura takes that opportunity and  shoots Scotty in the back with silencer gun. I bet you didn’t see that coming! Laura continues her killing spree. She enters the room where C.W. and Nadine  are sleeping and kills them in coldblooded manner. Next on her hit list are crew members and she kills them one by one, including dumbass dude who had easily  overpowered her, knocked her on the floor and then started running away, without even previously having her disarmed. Of course, result of such action is  bullet in his back. After cabins, now deck is next place to be cleaned up. But not in the old fashion women way. More crew members died there by Laura’s  hand, including Ted, who went overboard after getting shot. It seems that cleaning is done, so Laura helps gang from the speedboat to board in. Gang leader,  Jack Wilcox (played by Ray Sharkey; best known for his role in “Mummy”) is her real boyfriend. The yacht has been cleaned for him, and the only survivors  are kids, Mark and Tracy. After an argue they decided to keep them (but not in adoption way). And somewhere in the sea, Ted is floating on a segment of the  speedboat wreck, which Jack had detonated after getting aboard on Barracuda.

Ted is in the hospital now, pulling his connections in order to find the missing yacht and the kids. His ex-wife Sandy helps him as well. Despite Agent  Johnson’s opposing, both of them decide to put in air video in which Ted offers a reward for any information about missing yacht, And kids, I suppose.  Meanwhile, on the other side, Jack, Laura and rest of the gang are planning several terrorist attacks. Taking over Madagascar, for example…. But not before  they exploit a fight between Greece and Zimbabwe. So, next scene takes us to Harare, where Jack and Laura are having a meeting with one of their contacts.  That’s not so important, so I’ll do fast forward to only scene in the movie that is worth of mentioning. After the meeting was over, Jack and Laura went to  their hotel room, where Jack is giving her what she needs. She seems completely satisfied, so she goes onto balcony to smoke a cigarette, while Jack turns  the TV on. In that very moment, Ted’s video appears on the screen, including photos of yacht and kids. Now read carefully… Ted’s turns off the TV, goes to  the balcony, starts kissing and squeezing Laura, takes her in his arms, and drops her off the balcony to her death!!! And all of that with a romantic music  playing in background!!! What a way for breaking up!!!

When you use a product, you throw away an envelope!

Ted receives a call from a hotel manager in Harare. He travels there superfast and that’s where the chasing game really begins. And after identifying  Laura’s body, he gained another personal reason for vengeance. Yeah, right. Like missing his own kids is not reason enough. Soon, the first encounter with  gang members occurs, but Busey kills them all while driving Volkswagen’s Golf 1. Jack and the rest of the gang are now in Greece, and Ted follows them using  his contacts and other anonymous people who wanted to help. He locates the missing yacht but now he needs to infiltrate. And what would be better way to do  it than sending his ex-wife Sandy (with who, btw, he renewed the old flames and who is about to be an ex-ex-wife) to seduce Jack. Not a bad idea, since he  ditched off the balcony his last bitch. So, the story repeats. But, with one difference. It seems that Jack isn’t as stupid as he looks like. He discovers  that Laura is Ted’s wife, so he uses her to capture Ted as well. Ted got some problems with being tide up, but once when he got loose, nothing could stop him  from having his face used as a punching bag, killing singlehandedly entire gang, rescuing his children and wife, and going into the sunset to that damn  cruise he always wanted. The end.

Living punching bag.

Conclusion: This movie is so uninteresting, boring and predictable that during it’s watching I came several time in temptation of turning it off and making  up the ending of movie for review purposes. I really doubt that anyone would notice it. Everything from the stunts, production, sound, soundtrack, picture is cheap and pointless. Apart of slutty Laura being chucked out of hotel balcony, none other thing in this movie is worth of mentioning. I strongly recommend  that you should stay away of this movie as far as possible!!!

Seven aka Sevano’s Seven (1979)

Posted: 30/08/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
0

SevenThis is just awesome!

Movie interestingly starts with a man enjoying himself with his friends while watching some hula dancers. Then Hawaii war dancer replaces the Hula dancers and then… man gets stabed  with the spear!!! I never saw this coming! More murders follow as Karate Kid villain Martin Cove shoots a man from his car and a weird blond skateboarding dude with the mustaches shoots a man from point blank range with a crossbow. Ok, I have to admit from the get- go- this movie is something.

Sevano's.Seven.1979.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_000427040

The infamous Skateboard Killer himself!

It turns out all of the murdered men were government agents so the only man capable enough to avenge them is contacted. Buff, mustached and always accompanied by naked girls, Drew Savano gets chosen by the computer (the wonder machine that could do anything those days) and after some back and forth he accepts. Next thing you know he is cruising the Islands and gathering up a crew like you’ve never seen!

First on the list is dangerous and beautiful Native American woman Alexa (Barbara Leigh, the original Vampirella model for horror/ comicbook fans) accompanied by her Blonde masseur lady for some reason. Next up- a Cowboy, an Olympian and one of the finest gunman on the world. Then we have a Racedriver, talkative black dude with a attitude. Next up it’s Professor, the groundbreaking scientist  up to no good. Then a terrible fat jazz musician/ part-time comedian who is in fact a skilled assassin. The last but not the least is the old and exerienced Kempo Karate expert Ed Parker (playing himself) who seems to be working in construction these days imploying his board breaking techniques to a more practical use. Also Parker is there as Savano’s ace in the hall because one of their most deadly adversaries is diabolical Mr. Lee, man who passionately loves fine art and deadly Martial Arts.

Sevano's.Seven.1979.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_002362160

The founder of American Kempo Karate Ed Parker being supremely awesome.

We have a comical scene with Doctor trying to transport a blow-up doll in the Airport and after that our deadly group meets for a first and the only time before their mission is done. They all seem in good spirits and anxious to get things rolling.

Alexa seduces an old, experienced criminal boss while Cowboy and the Blond (masseur) lure in the goons and after trapping them in their car, douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. After that Cowboy sings some oldie country song and him and blond end up in bed soon afterwords. I‘m fascinated by their lack on conscience I know they are vicious criminals but burning alive is a terrible way to go.

Sevano's.Seven.1979.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_003426760This is what I call a good morning!

Parker sneaks into the building disguised as a cleaner and menages to get to the top floor where he challenges the evil Mr. Lee. Despite their life long study of Martial Arts they engage an mostly comical fistfight and after a clumsily performed throw by Parker- Lee menages to break the window glass with his head and falls off the building. Parker then confronts one of the goon who saw what just happened and breaks his neck. By the time another goon arrived (Ninja looking mustached dude) Parker grew visibly bored and decided to shoot him with a gun blurting out an immortal sentence “Hiyaaah,  my ass” All that time evil boss still kept falling (this must be the tallest building in the world)…

In the meantime Cowboy is on the roll, now taking care of the evil surfer dude. Unfortunately he gets double crossed by some Hawaiian  chick who way supposedly government agent. He seemingly dies (we are gonna spoil it for you right now, he’s not really dead). Indian girl gets her cover blown and gets raped (possibly, we’re not sure how successful was the old baster do to his advanced age) but it turns out she rigged him with the explosive so as she escapes and blows him up ’till Kingdom Comes. Black dude joins the party by paragliding while trowing bombs at the Japanese dude, I believe the accountant of the mafia.  Musician tries to bore evil Maderas and Karate Kid Villain with his stand- up comic routine and then shoots them but unfortunately loses his own life in the process.

Sevano's.Seven.1979.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_004610160

The Ultimate Weapon of Destruction- Black Man on a Para-glider!

Savano uses the blow up doll as a way to lure main villain Kahuna into opening the window of his bulletproof limo and that plan actually works but they quickly realize what he’s trying to do and send their  skateboard killer to get him. Skateboard killer then dies in the most ingenious way possible.

 

Alexa then picks up Sevano using a helicopter and they chase the villain who tries desperately to escape by the boat. They seemingly succeed but because this is a movie full of twists and turns– it turns out it was an imposter. Nothing to worry about as they blow up the real one pretty fast to, using a bazooka that Professor brought none the less- all because Sevano’s clever deduction that the imposter was a right handed man and Kahuna was left handed.

Sevano's.Seven.1979.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_004287440

…and yet, somewhere in Hawaii in this very moment the evil Mr. Lee is still falling from the building.

Verdict: This movie, cheap and ridiculous as it is indubitably great fun and it’s also notable for being the start of legendary B directors Andy Sidars’s career in movies (he was respected director  of sport events before that) and you also have pleasure of seeing him as he crystallizes the formula that made him famous, his patented “Bullets Bombs and Babes” style!

Trivia: This film contains the origin of the infamous “shooting the swordsman” gag, later popularized by Harrison Ford in Raiders of the Lost Ark. So, the next time when you see it, just remember- Ed  Parker did it first!

The Final Sanction (1990)

Posted: 27/08/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , ,
1

In one of the most intriguing AIP (Action Internacional Pictures), Prior produced film The Final Sanction after heavy nuclear exchange Russia and USA decide to settle their differences the old fashion way, by locking two soldiers (each representing their respective country) in mortal combat. Fun and interesting premise that does shine despite many bloopers and shoestring budget.

The movie starts as expected with a mish- mash of military archive footage (and one of the NASA’s rocket launching for a good measure) and we are see that the Cold War has gotten a lot hotter.Then camera pulls back to the meeting in some kind of church in  Geneva. After reaching an agreement we are transported to prison facilities where the braves and boldest of the Americans fights with a big fat man… and gets beaten for the most part before jumping on his back in effort to perform some gay- ass version of Rear Naked Choke. Fight ends soon enough via some cowboy style uppercuts and finishing headbutt. The victor is of course Ted Prior himself ( Deadly Prey, Aerobicide).

He doesn’t get to enjoy his victory much as the guards grab him and take him to get “procedure” done. He panics but it’s already too late. We learn that he is incarcerated for the murder of his commanding officer and his fellow soldiers. In the meantime we have the ultimate Russian war machine (nope, not Dolph Lundgren even better) Sergei played by the almighty Chin himself- Robert Z’Dar getting ready for his crucial mission. He is practicing by throwing mini- spades on targets, I’m not sure what’s the point of this but it’s hilarious! Later he ends up in some kind of Virtual Reality on maximum level so they can test his dedication to Mother Russia to the limit. And yes, he also kills his psychologist because his lieutenant said so.

Spade Power!

On the other side PrIor aka Sargent Botanick wakes up to find a woman speaking in southern twang right in his head- yes, the procedure implanted the chip right in his brain so he can be reagulary updated with information and kept in check. He nearly goes insane but after they bring  him  some cheeseburgers and fries agrees to fight to his county. He also gets a presidential pardon but that’s not important as the food. His old “friend” Ross shows up to threaten him, incredibly jealous because he didn’t get the job. They have an extremely homosexual war of words in which Botanick replies to his “fuck you” with “anytime”. Ah, the soldiers these days… Anyway he starts getting into the groove realy fast and starts calling his commander officer dragonlady (it makes no sense really to call a southern lady that way but it’s funny so I support it).

The.Final.Sanction.1990.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_000951520

Soldiers get ready, Rambo style with loud synthesizer music in the background and we’re set to go. The conflict of the two worlds most powerful nations  will be solved in… battle arena “Zulu” in Virginia- I expected something more neutral but what the hell! Botanick starts making his old school traps in the forest (see Deadly Prey) but falls prey to the Russian’s surprise attack- combination of mini- spade and then machine gun with explosive rounds. He somehow survives the ordeal but looses Sergei’s signal (it seems Russians have a few more aces up their sleeves. Dragonlady tries desperately to locate the Russian but finds she’s already too late. Sergei jumps from the tree and for some reason drops his gun to finish Prior with a spade with fantastically passionate line “This is konec” (soon to become my favorite one- liner). But Botanick’s traps finally prove handy and an explosion saves his life.

Botanic spends the night in the forsaken facility all the while hitting on the dragonlady and also reveals to her that he was framed for the murders. Tender scene is stopped just in time, with gunfire. They keep shooting and chasing one another some time and Russian finally gets close somewhere around the morning, close like in- with a mini- spade of course! I’m thinking of getting one after watching this movie. Prior again defies certain death but ends up wounded and unable to run. He still finds a time to rig the whole place (and even put a little smiley face on the floor)  but Russian comes back like a goddamn soviet terminator.

The.Final.Sanction.1990.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_003646480

Russian general tries to get in touch with Sergei to update his orders but he decides to ignore him, irritated by being almost burn alive. Next thing you know Botanic is startled from the back by Ross, the same dude that was so jealous of him. Turns out he was jealous of him for a mighty long time ’cause he set him up and got him thrown in the jail 5 years ago. And just when his death seems inevitable Sergei puts a spade through his back. So it’s finally time, Botanic and Sergei one on one without weapons each one refusing to block the other’s punches. Russian seems to be made  of stone ( especially his balls) but American doesn’t know the meaning of the word GIVE UP. After beating the hell out of each other they make peace.

...and then it turns out that they would both die no mater what courtesy of a back deal made by their respective governments. They escape final explosion of the movie and then find their respective generals together reaching an agreement. They expose them, arrest them and then finally Prior gets a date with the dragonlady and Sergei gets diplomatic immunity. They ask him what kind of women he likes, so they can arrange a double date and  Z’Dar joyfully proclaims “SERGEI LIKE ALL GIRLS” and credits roll.

The.Final.Sanction.1990.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_004704400…and they all lived happily ever after!

Verdict: Even though I would call Aerobicide AIP’s  most successful film (creatively as well as financially) it was mostly a horror flick and from their long list of hard core
(and more often than not ridiculous) action movies this one sticks out like a sore thumb ( but in the good way)! Definitely worth a watch!

Atlantic Rim (2013)

Posted: 22/08/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
0

Damn this movie is bad!!! Bad bad bad!!! It is too bad even for Asylum!!! I mean, I am well aware of the fact that they are famous for doing low-budget of  rip-offs of popular blockbusters, but geez… They should know their limits. You can’t just take the movie which is all about giant robots, special effects  and shallow story, and film it with budget of 300000$!

As an introduction of what is awaiting us in this motion picture, we see an offshore oil rig being attacked and completely wrecked by some sort of  dinosaur/sea monster hybrid (it’s appearance is probably a result of 7$ spent on CGI). A bit of panic followed by scenes switch to Mardi Gras on the streets,  where people are carelessly enjoying in celebration. It seems that director Jared Cohn couldn’t decide where to start, since another scene switch happens and  we are now at District 7 of Naval Base. They have received a word about another oil rig missing. Yeah, tones and tones of steel missing and they can’t find  it even with their ultra-modern radars. Old Admiral Hackley (played by Graham Greene), doesn’t have the slightest idea what’s going on. So he meets with  special commission consisted of extremely ugly NASA chick Dr Margaret Adams (played by Nicole Dickson), cute specialist Stone (played by Nicole Alexandra  Shipley) and Nick Fury look-a-like. They decide that the only way to discover what is happened to oil rigs, is to activate project Armada (now that’s something). Problem is, only one man is capable of piloting robots in the deep sea. His name is Ted Morris (played by washed-up Baywatch star David Chokachi), better known as Red and he is loose cannon. Well, it’s him or nothing.

KrakenKraken?

We are back to Mardi Gras again. Red and his girlfriend/coworker Tracey (played by Jackie Moore) are getting drunk and picking a fight with local scum. Now,  that’s romantic couple. During a fistfight they receive an order which states that they should be on deck in 10 minutes. A moment later they are in van where  their partner Treach (played by Anthony ‘Treach’ Criss) gives them briefing about mission. Even drunken jerks such as those two find it strange that entire  oil rig had just disappeared. Scene switches again, and all 3 of them are now piloting action figures on the bottom of the ocean. But they didn’t find just  oil rig. No, they encounter sea monster as well. But, we won’t see any fight here. It is because lame robots are overheating even on the bottom of the sea.  Despite the fact that they found who is responsible for sinking their oil rigs, Admiral Hackley gives the order not to pursue the monster. Of course, Red  disobeys him so Admiral is forced to shut them down. Just like that. Left without power on the ocean bottom. It is like putting a bait for monster. But, Red  still got the power since remote control didn’t work for his robot. He is heading to the coast. Fearing that entire world will find out about Project Armada  (probably because people would laugh at them), Admiral gives several instructions (all with the same face expression he had from his first appearance in movie) in order to cover up the existence of walking trash cans. But he failed miserably. Red reaches the coast and tries to warn people about dinosaur danger. He didn’t notice that monster is right behind him. During their fight on the beach, imbecilic Red had managed to kill more people than monster would be able to kill solo. Eventually, monster was killed, but only thanks to jet fighters, not because of Red’s combat skills.

Kraken Even monsters eat from a trash canEven monsters eat from a trash cans.

But their day is not over yet. They are now on the street, celebrating victory and inspecting damage and casualties that Red and his retardbot made. But  their happiness isn’t to last long, since Red gets arrested for disobeying direct orders. While heat is still on, some random guy approaches Treach and asks  him for help in finding his daughter Alexandra. According to her father’s description, Alexandre is 12 years old and almost 2 meters tall. Some advanced kids  they got there. Treach scouts building in flames with his gun unholstered and ready to shoot. No wonder poor Alexandra didn’t want to go with him since she  was probably afraid of getting shot by dumb soldier. Though, even if he fired, it would be because of fear due to fact that Alexandra is not just only tall for  her age, but extremely fat as well. She looks like Frankenstein’s daughter. Anyway, Treach somehow manages to convince her to go with him and carries her out on his back. We could actually hear his spine snapping in background!!!

Like in old timesLike in old times.

Red gets free from his prison cell under condition of being a date to Admiral Hackley on victory party. Now, am I the only one who thinks this is extremely  gay? Anyway, his partners are to accompany him to. Nothing worth of mentioning on actual party, except bad dancing and courting. But, monster attacks continue. New one has just hatched and it has a size exactly of it’s parents. They didn’t show us the actual hatch, probably because  they couldn’t find large enough egg. Red is locked again his cell (I guess he didn’t please the Admiral) and refuses to come out. So, jet fighters to the  rescue again. This time they did some heavy bombing (and unlike Red, they didn’t hit any civilian building) and monster is beaten again. But not killed. It  goes back to the water.
The fact that he didn’t do anything, doesn’t stop Red from celebrating in bar. But his celebration is ruined when he finds out that Treach and Tracey have  been putting horns on him from quite some time. What a cuckold! I am not sure if this was meant to be sub-plot since it wasn’t mentioned again until the end  of movie.

Squashed marineSquashed marine!

Armada pilots are now upgraded! They received special halos which are supposed to improve agility and power of their robots. So, now they can have a box match with the monsters. And knockout them.Monster came back for it’s final assault. Robots are now able to fly, despite the fact that they had been carried by helicopters on the beginning of movie.  The actual final fight is nothing more than Avengers rip-off, bad boxing, robot axes, archive footage, repeated sections from the beginning of movie, special  rocket that looks like condom filled with air and Red’s falling down from out of space without hurting himself! On the very end, Tracey and Red are together  again, and all 3 of them go together into the sunset while hugging each other (it seems that threesome is going to happen).

Go go power botsGo, go power bots!!!

Conclusion: I can’t say that this is the worst of Asylum since I haven’t watched all of their movies. But I can say that this is, by the far, the worst  Asylum movie I have ever watched. It is even worse than Transmorphers!!! Awful acting and special effect, plot with many holes… It’s not like the plot  should be something special in this sort of movie, but they shouldn’t have completely ignored it’s existence. Another question still remains: Is cleverly  named Atlantic Rim (Atlantic=Pacific) a rip off of popular Pacific Rim or just very bad episode of Power Rangers?

Bulletproof (1988)

Posted: 20/08/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0

Other people fight bad guys with their guns, their muscles or their martial arts, Gary Busey? Gary Busey completely destroys them with his pure insanity!

Movie starts like any 80es cop thriller with a gentle sounds of saxophone fallowed by some menacing orchestral music. Token black partner gets upsett by other cop and we find out two important things, he’s partner is Busey, called  Frank McBain (now that’s where you find that name Matt Groening, I got you there!) and he is (you guessed it) Bulletproof. How? We don’t know!

Anyway they ran into big drug operation lead by Montotoya aka legendary Danny Trejo. He stops them by… being insane of course! He shouts at them from an overhead rafter without even thinking of pulling the gun. He also uses the fascinating catchphrase “BUTTHORN” They get scared for a moment and then attempt to blow him up till kingdom come. That doesn’t work for some reason, and when he finally reaches for the gun he start dropping them like stool pigeons. He then procides to chase after the remaining criminals desperately trying to escape in the ices cream truck. It all end with a big explosion and imminent death, and soon enough another saxophone melody to signify the job well done.

Next thing you know Busey is heroicly pulling a bullet out of his shoulder in his bathroom while a naked lady with a french accent waits for him in his bathtub. Yes, he’s that cool.In the meantime military is conducting a top secret operation that seemingly consists of being captured (with a freakin’ super- tank called Thunderblast) by revolutionaries in Mexico. Now, these are not your typicall Mexican revolutionaries, don’t get me wrong- they are a motley crew of Mexican Freedom Fighters, Russian Comunnists and Arab Therorist proving that we can all get along (as long as we hate America with all our hearts)!

After sex with french lady Busey is haunted by memories of killing his partner in friendly fire on the mission and breaking up with a love of his life soon afterwords.Strangely the love of his lifei s the same blond chick that just ended up being captured in Mexico.

I think Collonel likes her too!

He is woken from his flashback ridden dreams by FBI agent Blackburn wanting to recruet him once again, ’cause they need him- now more than ever. He initialy refuses their offer but after being irritated by one of the agents (and beating up the said agent) he decides to head out to Mexico and save Devon and the General.We get a few more flashback, most notably of Busey playing the sax on the beach while Devon walks beside him and the action starts!

OMG, it’s Saxman all over again!

McBain jumps out of the plane like it was nothing, beats up a few goons and heads towards the base in their jeep.Unfortunately his infiltration skills seem a bit rusty ’cause he is captured in about 5 minutes time. Then we have a wonderful interplay between Col. Kartiff and McBain in which of course McBain calls him butthorn and treatens to blow everyone up. Seeing that crazy man’s glow in Busey’s eyes I tend to believe he could to just that. He still ends up crusified on a giant wheel and it seems that he is Bulletproof no more… but fear not, they let Devon talk to him and she uses the opportunity to throw some dynamite sticks and after explosion Busey rolls to safety still strapped to a giant wheel!!! Who comes out with this stuff? Really?

“You spin me right round, baby right round like a record baby!”

Busey then oranises an ambush and after cheerfully proclaiming “Buenos Dias” stert killing everyone in the close vicinity and finaly frees his lady. She is of course greatful but as a bloodthirsty soldier that she is- she also felt the need to do get some killing done before the make out. Hell, she even hit McBain a few times before they inevitably kissed.
After that they finally enter the fabled tank and head out to stop the evil General now jouined by even more evil Russian General (William Smith after being an evil biker in the 70es exchanged that mantle for that of evil Soviet Commander). Terrorist decide to burn alive the old church still containing an American general (that came with Devon) and bunch of civilians but super- tank approaches and a complete mayhem ensues. Evil Russian menages to snap the girl at the end but McBain know no fear and after realizing he is the same dude that made him shoot his own partner 5 years ago he executes him, I believe by a shot straight throw the red comunist star on his cap! I think he finaly got rid of the communist problem for USA that day (even thou generally speaking that problem was always more fabrication than a fact).

VTS_01_5.VOB_000123754

“BANG, you’re dead!”

Verdict: it’s more than 80es action film, it’s an 80es film on steroids and even for something like that script is so godawful that I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they had no script ready and had to improvise the whole damn thing. Busey is kinda terrible at being an action hero (he was just born to be a crazed villain) but he’s performance is still fun enough that it keeps you interested- opposite of everything else in this movie! Anyway it’s a crazy film, at some points extremely fun one, but to tell you the truth I still like the Simpsons version better.

Older Entries
Newer Entries