Worsemovies

What happens if you are a fan of H.P.Lovecraft who get overwhelmed by nostalgia for good old 80s horror movies, but you got no budget? Nothing, renting a  video is the only solution. But, if your name is Brian Yuzna, having no budget and no actors won’t stop you from defiling one of the greatest horror writers  of all times!!! And if your name is still Brian Yuzna, you will make nostalgic incoherent 80s horror sequel, which has nothing to do with above mentioned  horror writer, with the same crew from the first part (adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s “Herbert West – Re-animator”). But unlike Yuzna produced “Dreams of the Witch  House”, “From Beyond” and “Dagon”, this piece of fun can’t be considered as a quality movie. Hilarious yes, but not quality.

That this is going to be some really weird shit, we noticed before movie even started, when floating head of West’s mentor Dr Carl Hill (played by David Gale)  appeared in front of us, holding a monologue about his vengeance upon young Dr Herbert West, who, if you have watched the first part, decapitated Dr Hill, and  then re-animated him using a strange green liquid he invented, which caused serious massacre after. But enough about the first part. Sequel takes us 8 months later and 10000 miles away from the massacre at Miskatonic medical school. Dr Herbert West (played by Jeffrey Combs) and his friend Dr Dan Cain (played by Bruce Abbot) are at low budget field hospital in low budget war zone of civil war in some far country. They volunteered as  medics and they are near the end of their tour. No one actually bothered to explain how the hell Dr West had survived being torn apart by bunch of the angry  zombies at the end of first movie!!! Did he re-animated himself? Nevertheless, he is alive and more than ever devoted to his job. A lot of corpses and deadly  wounded soldiers are around him, and you know what that means? SPARE PARTS!!! Dr West feels like a kid locked in candy store. Of course, he is carrying his  green liquid invention with him! One soldier is still alive and he is on the table, but Dan and West fail to save him due to enormous shrapnel inside  unfortunate soldier’s chest. Dr West notices that soldier’s nervous system is still intact and decides to do the only reasonable thing one doctor can in such  situations – he is going to re-animate him using his trusty old green goo. Losing a patient gets the completely new meaning!!! Showing no gratefulness for being re-animated, the re-animated soldiers attacks Dr West, trying to choke him. A moment later, cute Francesca (that looks like Serbian folk singer Dragana  Mirkovic) storms in the field hospital and announces on very bad English that they have to retreat since their front lines are weakened. She arrived just in  time to see Dr West ending his fight by shooting zombie in the head. Why did he re-animate him if he killed him a moment later? Some kind of sick fun? Anyway,  Francesca (played by Fabiana Udenio) warns them about incoming enemy and then storms out. She is Dan’s ex girlfriend and no one bothered to explain what the hell she was doing 10000 miles away from her home in the middle of civil war. Not liking the Herbert’s idea of staying there and collecting body parts for further research, Dan entered the discussion with young doctor. Just in the  middle of West’s monologue about reptiles being the key for creating the new life, enemy soldiers entered the field hospital and attacked them. Both of our  doctors have shown us amazing skill with weapons, shooting one enemy soldier after another. Eventually, Dan saved West’s life but got wounded during that act  and that was the sign they should go back.

Now we are back to Miskatonic hospital. Dan is talking to Gloria (Kathleen Kinmont) who is seriously ill and is preparing for surgery. Seems that Dan has a  hot spot for her, unlike Dr West who sees her just as another body part depository. Dan noticed that, and another argue between doctors started a moment  after Gloria has been taken away. We’ll leave them discussing as we are going to pathology wing of the hospital. Dr Graves (funny name for pathologist), has  received a delivery from Lt Leslie Chapham (played by Claude Earl Jones). Dr Graves (played by Mel Stewart) is a cheerful pathologist who is in charge for the remains of the night of the massacre, and Lt Leslie delivered him the head wrapped in newspaper. The head belonged to no one else than Dr Hill.  Apparently it turned up on sidewalk in front of Arkham (so much about proper waste disposal), and, after 8 months, it’s still well preserved. Lt Leslie takes  the tour through chamber when other remains of the massacre are being held. There he had brief conversation with Dr Graves, who seems to be real nuts,  considering his black humor jokes he is making all the time. Also, besides other well preserved remains of the massacre, detective finds a green goo, which  Dr Graves jealously takes back with the explanation that he wanted to identify it first thing in the morning. The case of massacre is closed but detective  wanted to investigate a missing body parts (including the missing feet of ballet dancer). Dr Grave has only one thing to say about it – Who would like to  steal body parts? I think I got some idea.

It’s mine!!!

Sometime later, Dr West visits the chamber with massacre remains, finding it’s new resident. Yes, it’s Dr Hill’s head. Good doctor doesn’t miss the chance  to have a little chat with his old friend and mentor, ending up in argue with severed head and slapping it with severed arm.

Who would want to steal body parts? THIS GUY!!!

The same evening, Dr Dan comes to the laboratory in basement of the house where he and Dr West are living. The house happens to be adjacent to cemetery (how convenient). Dan wants to say something to Herbert, but good doctor is too much occupied by extracting green ooze from the lizard to care for Dan’s words.  Dan silently watches Dr West while he is making a stop motion spider made of wires, severed (and the most probably stolen) human fingers and human eye.  Seeing that, Dan decided that he finally had it enough and announced his intention to move out the house, while yelling that West’s research is madness and blasphemy. Shaken by what he just heard Dr West decides to reveal his true plans. He wants to assemble Dan’s love of the life, a woman named Meg who died  long time ago. To prove his intentions with evidences, West shows Meg’s preserved heart. That was enough to convince Dan not only to stay, but to help Dr  West in his research bu stealing more body parts. At that point it was clear to me that this is gonna be the most shameful “Bride of Frankenstein” rip off!!! In that time Lt Leslie pays them the visit in order to question them about missing body parts and Dr West’s research about re-animating the dead tissue. During their conversation, West noticed that creature he made escaped while he wasn’t paying attention and now roams freely through his living room. Spider  eventually comes on couch next to detective, who accidentally crushes it with Atlas of Human Anatomy, without even noticing that. There is no  particular  reason why Yuzna wanted to film this….I believe it was a comical relief.

This eye is missing one finger.

Always cheerful and ready for joke Dr Graves is keeping his promise. Remember his plan to try to identify the green ooze? Well, now he is testing it on dead  bat. Bat gets re-animated and attacks clumsy stunned pathologist. After some fight, Dr Graves wins by cutting both of bat’s wings. It seems that he had it  enough. But no, he now injects green ooze into head of Dr Hill. Seconds later, head starts talking to him. A couple seconds later head starts insulting our,  until now, always in good mood pathologist. Excited by this event, Dr Graves invites the guy who works at crematorium to show him a miracle. But head  wouldn’t talk to him. Completely crushed by this and previous insults he had to listen, Dr Graves finally loses his mind (not that he had much to lose  anyway) and starts crying like a little baby. While he is doing that, beneath him, our two doctors are stealing another body from crematorium. That’s the  corpse of another young woman, of course. More body parts to be harvested. On their way out, Dan meets Francesca in front of hospital. His smile is telling  us that he intends to impale his flag on her Moon, thus cheating his soon-to-be-re-animated girlfriend.

–Weekend at Bernie’s?

Lt Leslie didn’t notice the obvious attempt of corpse smuggling, but he did notice Francesca, so he used his chance to take a tour through hospital with her, questioning and hitting on her in the same time. Interesting thing is existence of zombie reserve, located right behind children ward. Even more interesting thing is that employees in hospital don’t find it to be strange at all. Also, Francesca got attacked by zombies, but brave detective saved her.

Back to the laboratory. Our two doctors are doing last preparations for re-animating Dan’s long lost love. Only one part is missing – the head. After a brief professional discussion with Dr West, Dan decides to take a brake with Francesca, who has just arrived to their rendezvous. 5 minutes later, they are both in bed, thus fulfilling Dan’s plans about cheating his dead girlfriend. Meanwhile, in the underground laboratory, Dr West is fighting with leg he re-animated moments ago. Actually, leg is trying to strangle him (?!) Whit what, I am asking you? And all of this with Lt Leslie who is monitoring their house from his car parked across the street. Eventually, he storms in the laboratory, finding there good doctor experimenting with missing body parts, including the parts of his wife. Dr West was forced to kill detective and then re-animate him (damn, that man surely loves re-animating). As it always happens, re-animated detective goes berserk and tries to kill everyone around him, including half-naked Francesca upstairs. But her dog heroically sacrificed it’s life (and it’s leg) to save the beloved owner, for which it was rewarded with re-animation and human arm. Lt Leslie escapes and Francesca discovers their secret.

Quick, someone call P.E.T.A!!!

Now, do you remember that our doctors are missing one final part for assembling the bride of re-animator? Remember that that part is the head? Well, Dr West managed to find even that. No, they didn’t put the head of Dr Hill onto woman’s body (though, it wouldn’t be too much surprise even if they did, considering this movie). Remember the Gloria, the patient from the beginning of the movie? She died shortly after surgery and Dr West managed to steal her head right before her body was sent to crematorium. Below them, Dr Graves is trying to have a little peace with disobedient head of Dr Hill, which is sleeping at the moment (apparently, even severed heads needs sleeping). But no luck. Head had woke up, immediately starting to give orders to pathologist. Dr Graves, refusing to obey the orders, stuck the apple into the bigmouth head mouth’s and throws it in trashcan, which forced Dr Hill to use it’s telepathic powers to call upon all zombies.

Two wise heads.

Lt Leslie visits Dr Graves for the second time, but this time as a zombie who is under control of Dr Hill and who’s head is holding in his hands. He locks in terrified pathologist, taking his scalpel and performing a surgery on head of Dr Hill. On his way out, he tried to rape Francesca but no luck with that (I guess green ooze didn’t re-animate his sexual powers). Despite the fact that she doesn’t approve the work of Dr Dan and Dr West, after raping attack, Francesca run away to house of her beloved Dan, where re-animating of bride was already in progress. But she is not alone. Zombie detective is there too.

 Freeze, re-animating police!!!

Gloria gives Dr West the lecture about blasphemy and sickness of his work, on which he replied that he created something not even God or woman could ever create. And what about with woman ability to give birth to a completely normal human baby, who has all the right parts and clear mind? I think he hadn’t thought of that. Being encouraged by successful re-animating of woman who has been assembled with body parts of every girl who died in this movie and by the fact that she actually recognized her beloved Dan (and immediately started hitting on him), Dr West even dared to call himself a God (not completely unexpected). Meanwhile, jealous Francesca tries to brake apart Dan and re-animated Meg. Bride of re-animator (also played by Kathleen Kinmont), didn’t like that idea a bit and seconds later we got ourselves a good old girl wrestling (well actually, one bad acting girl and one monster made of several girls, bolts, and wires). That feud seems that was enough for Dr Dan to make a decision with which girl he will stay. It happens to be Francesca. Seeing that, Meg torn out her broken heart from her chest followed by stop motion decomposing. Ah, love can really hurt.

 My God, they made a sequel!

But that’s not the end of troubles for Dr West. From the crypt side of the wall, an army of zombies is swarming into his laboratory with intention to rip his body apart. They are led by head of Dr Hill, who becomes a flying mobile monstrosity after fusing a pair of bat wings to the side of his head. Dr Dan and Francesca managed somehow to escape from grand monster based finale, just in time before the entire house, together with the crypt, collapsed onto head of unfortunate Dr Herbert West. Now he is dead for sure. Or is he?

Conclusion: After extremely tragic, yet short, life and long, painful death, H.P. Lovecraft doesn’t even have peace of grave since imbeciles continue to defile his life’s works, and keep putting his name onto craps which have nothing to do with him (as is the case with Bride of Re-animator). Besides that, the movie is a constant battle to see who can chew the most scenery, combined with Yuzna’s dry writing and over-the-top effects (such as neon lights, shitload of fake blood, etc). I should not forget to mention  Dr West’s cracking one liners completely straight faced during this whole movie and some decent special FX effects of Screaming Mad George. Still, one thing is for sure: When I die, I don’t want to be RE-ANIMATED!!!