Fatal Deviation (1998)

Posted: 17/09/2013 in Trash movies
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We watched some crazy flicks here at WM but there is one that truly stands out head and shoulders above the rest. It’s a  Martial Arts flick,  but a Martial Arts flick from the most unique place… and that place is Ireland! Yes, they are Martial Artist in Ireland and (at least one) Martial Arts filmmaker, and his name is (in this movie as in his real life) James “Jimmy” Bennet. Now let’s get down to business!

After 10 long years of absence, seasoned and successful  Martial Artist  decides to return to his home town to reconnect with his roots and more importantly discover the truth about the passing of his father Bennet Sr. While narrating his thoughts to the audience Bennet grabs a photograph of his father all samurai looking from the wall (decorated with numerous photographs of Bennet himself and also mulleted Van Damme from Hard Target for some reason), throws in into a bag and starts his long road home.

After a sad song he is finally home just to find it abandoned. He finds a little Buddah statuete on the floor and gets flashback of his training with his father right away. Next he goes to get some groceries just to find local morons stealing and harassing big blond chick who works there. He demonstrates his Van Damme- like kicking ability and stops them. We get some more flashback scenes of his childhood and then the same blond chick manages to get in trouble AGAIN. This time it’s long haired ginger dude (and his friend) speaking with such heavy Irish accent that it’s almost completely impossible to decipher what is he threatening her with. Anyway Bennet shows up and after verbally kicking their ass with “Why don’t you boy scouts go and play in the woods” he asks them and then  demonstrates some more kicking arsenal.

Now we learn who the mysterious Mickey is (the man who sent ginger dude and his friend), he is the grandson of the Drug Baron … the same man who MURDERED HIS FATHER (que in some dramatic music). And while good ol’ Jimmy Bennet practices his deadly Martial Arts Blondie rides a bike to his place. She came all this way to thank him, the only way a girl can thank a man… by giving him a pie she backed for him. Then she rides away.This girl obviously has to much free time on her hand. Anyway some of the Baron’s goons show up (even uglier than the last too) and Jimmy visits the Drug Baron who then offers him a job.

Before deciding anything Bennet takes Blondie on a proper date- a Carnival. There we can see all four women living in this village and then it’s painfully clear why did the trailer say “a hot chick” for Blondie despite her somewhat robust, sturdy built. She truly is the hottest chick in her village, but only because the other 3 don’t really resemble human females.After an obviously fun night by Irish standards Bennet falls asleep and in his dream he remember the horrible truth, he was present as the old crime boss (man barely capable of walking) sliced his father with a Katana blade. He sets his mind at ease with some running and doing some Kempo Karate forms as the sun rises.

Then the plot thickens! A mysterious Celtic Monk (seen earlier stalking Bennet) posts a notification for The Tournament (it seems Ireland also has a long tradition of secret underground fighting). Drug Baron ensures everyone their man, who should be back from Hong Kong any minute now ,Seagul ( obviously an Irish answer to Steven Seagal), will be a sure winner. They see the Tournament as a way to demonstrate that they hold the whole village in the palm of their hands (even thou that doesn’t seem so impressive when you think about it). Monk then appears in front of the Bennet’s house and invites him to the Tournament. Blondie seems trilled about it, it seems she’s also a martial arts aficionado. Anyway Bennet starts getting into (more) shape with some stick fighting and hitting a heavy bag but Monk appears again out of nowhere and invites him to come tomorrow and “walk with him”. So they meet in the woods the next day and the mysterious Monk informs him that he will train him for the tournament, just like he trained his father. And then sends him home and explains that his training will begin tomorrow. Man, he is trolling Bennet big time! The training mostly consists of doing exercises while the old man plays bagpipes but we also get a scene of Monk with Kali sticks which is absolutely precious!

Trening

Now this is what I call training!

Bennet takes a break from the hard training by going  on a picnic with Blondie but just when they’re about to kiss for the first time (yes, it took him THAT long) they are interrupted by Drug Baron’s goons on motorcycles. A ridiculous chase and shootout ensue and Blondie ends up kidnapped.  It turns out that Mickey, the Baron’s grandson is to blame.  “You make me look bad… and that’s not good!” Mickey utters to Blondie and she promises that Bennet will come after her.

Now enraged and desperate Bennet prepares to break Drug Baron’s hold of the city and get his girl back. He is flooded by memories of times they shared together including some previous scenes like riding horses and stuff… and some scenes that ABSOLUTELY didn’t happen like a sex scene . They didn’t even kiss for Christ’s sake! A this point you have to ask yourself is Bennet completely delusional?

Fatal DeviationSeriously, her shoulders are broader than his!

Now the Tournament starts and we can see that people here really enjoy fighting, lots of older people (man and especially the women) and there in the ruins of an old castle to see people fight. Bennet does his best Van Damme impersonations while demolishing one opponent after another. In the end there’s only two man standing and that’s him and Seugul. Soon to be just one of course. Irish Seagal unfortunately proves that he is not the Martial Artist as an American version. He compensates that with his sheer size and strength and even menages to make problems for Bennet (in big part by using a large chunk of wood to hit him in the head) but in the most critical moment the Celtic Monk calls for the most powerful technique and soon the whole crown chants “FATAL DEVIATION, FATAL DEVIATION…” So Bennet digs deep and manages to perform it perfectly (with some help from the editing room ) thus destroying his opponent.

Now this is simply brilliant!

He doesn’t have time to celebrate ’cause he has to race to get his girl back. This leads straight into a fantastic (apparently non- scripted) carcrash and a post production CGI explosion that lasts about two seconds and doesn’t mask the fact that the car is not burning at all.

Fantastic carcrash that was absolutely NOT a part of the script! Afterwords we get a lame-ass CGI explosion that last half a second and doesn’t mask the fact that the car is not burning at all. Epic shootout scenes fallow and are stooped just so we can see a bare assed man running across the field for absolutely no reason! After a “tense” stand- off Bennet confronts Mickey and breaks his neck. Then we cut in to the quiet picnic and Bennet and Blondie are obviously trying to continue what they started earlier. But they are out of luck again. The incredibly old man, Drug Baron appears out of thin air with a shotgun and proclaims “You killed my son, now I’m going to kill you- just as killed your father”. Jimmy B seems ready for this and he answers “ You killed my father, now I’m going to kill you- just like I killed your son”. Of course he fallows that up by disarming the frail old man and shooting him into oblivion. Then he and Blondie embrace knowing that the nightmare is finally over.

For now this is the best Kung Fu film Ireland has ever produced. But we’re still waiting on the fabled Celtic Samurai flick (trailer unfortunately removed from youtube as of now) to see how it will stack up.

Bennet as a guest on Nationwide (during the shooting of Fatal Deviation)

Trivia: Jimmy Bennet actually DID make it in life, even thou it took  years for his “masterpiece” to see light of the day. He doesn’t work on the farm no more, he is a bona fide Hollywood stuntman working on such films as  Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Lone Ranger. Soon he will also perform in the Swelter with his long time idol and inspiration Van Damme. But I sincerely hope he doesn’t forget where he came from and soon decides to surprise as all with another Irish Martial Arts Action- fest.  Now, that would be a treat!

Tutorial: If you were impressed by Jimmy Bennet’s “secret technique” and want to learn to do it- no problem. Fatal Deviation is in fact regular part of the curriculum of Ed Parker’s American Kempo Karate and here you have his black belt Jeff Speakman (Mr. Perfect Weapon himself) demonstrating this combination.

Worse News: ROAD TO HELL goes theatrical?

Posted: 12/09/2013 in Worse News
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I actually like this stylish “Sin City” style poster for a change…

After an unfortunate turn of events that saw Albert Pyun retire from movie making for foreseeable future (making effectively Cyborg Nemesis his last film) effort was made to organize Career Celebration event and provide theatrical release for one of his last directorial efforts Road To Hell. Road to Hell is a bizarre and psychedelic  journey conceived by Pyun and Curnan as a illegal sequel of sorts ,  follow-up to the cult classic Streets of Fire (by Walter Hill) . Film was already making waves (one way or another) on festival circuits for years and now you can personally help Pyun finish his film career with a BANG he rightfully deserves for all the years of “anti- matter “(as he likes to call it) style film making he provided for us.

You can see the new, improved and (of course) R rated Theatrical Trailer for ROAD TO HELL right here…

…and then you can go to Indiegogo and if you are feeling generous today- donate right here!

http://igg.me/at/albertpyun

Klown Kamp Massacre (2010)

Posted: 10/09/2013 in Trash movies
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Someone really had nothing better to do than to try to show us that becoming a clown isn’t that easy and fun as it may look like. No, you need to pass  special training to become an idiot who scares more people than actually made laughing. Now, why anyone would be interested in hearing and watching about  clown career? Beats me. You should ask writers and directors of this movie David C. Valdez and Philip H.R. Gunn. But I doubt you would get any sane answer.

So, the beginning of the movie delivers us what is stated in it’s title. One of the clowns goes insane for some reason and starts slaughtering other clowns  in Klown Kamp , in many sick and twisted ways (including scalping one of them and mixing his brains with cornflakes). He manages to escape on foot thus  entering the legend, in what is now known as The Massacre at Bonzo ranch. Fast forward 15 years later. We see person who is obviously a killer watching  Unsolved Clown Murders on TV, laughing at attempts of capturing Edwin the Clown (yeah, that’s him). Show is over, and after brief commercials, old Bonzo  (played by Michael L. Miller) shows his fat ass on TV, announcing grand re-opening of Klown Kamp. That info makes Edwin (played Jared Herholtz) freaks out,  jumps out of his chair and throw a pie at screen. For a killer clown who got away, he sure looks nervous.
Is there Unsolved Clown Mysteries as well                                                                 Is there Unsolved Clown Mysteries as well?

 
The word about Klown Kamp reopening spreads quickly and wannabe clowns from all 4 parts of the country are already heading to Bonzo ranch. First group of  clowns is already near, on gas station. One of them is retard clown Lenny (no, that is not his act, he is just mentally challenged), but keeping in mind  behavior of rest of town population, I doubt that anyone would notice. On their way out, insane town drunk Crazy Ernie (played by Kevin R. Elder)  intercepts and serves them a story about death curse and mad killer, but he got wrong location. He was talking about death curse on Kamp Sparkling Lake, and  looked really dumb when one of the clowns had pointed him that they are heading to Bonzo ranch. I guess this was supposed to be comical relief, but it only  looked sad. Clowns started arriving to Bonzo ranch. Besides Lenny (played by Reuben Finkelstein), there are as well balloon-specialist clown Philbert (played  by Ross Kelly), magician clown Puff (played by Chris Payne) and Squirts (played by Sandor Gattyan) who does exactly what his artistic name states. He wears
nothing but a raincoat, masturbates all time and asks people if anyone would like to see his penis. Oh yeah, and he is German. But one of them will not reach  her destination. It is some hippie clown chick. She was walking to Bonzo ranch when she hitchhiked another clown driving Volkswagen Bug. After having the  largest joint I have ever seen, she noticed that there is a sunroof on VW Bug (?!), takes her top off, squeeze through sunroof and shows us her boobies. Now,  instead of scoring her, like any normal streight man would do, he pulls her back to the seat, goes off the road and starts driving in circle faster and  faster (it is just badly speeded up video) until her head blew up!!! Now, I’ll take this opportunity and make a request for Jamie and Oliver from Mythbusters  to check if this is possible, by any circumstances!!!

Head blowing speed.

All clowns have arrived and now it is time for their training to start. Their instructor clown Sgt. Funnybone (played by Miguel Martinez) is conducting  military way of training. Even clowns needs to be disciplined. One of them is hot Valerie (played by Ashley Bryce), who is Bonzo’s granddaughter. Yeah, she  is a clown too. Valerie gets flashbacks from her childhood, when her father was harassing her. Just to mention. Meanwhile, clown servant Tex (played by Chad  Brummeit) is in the back shack, doing the hay baling. As you could guess, Edwin shows up and puts Tex into baling machine. Result of that is one bloody hay  bale. Ok, moving on. Following night, clowns are having bonfire outside telling scary stories. Gangsta clown Buzter Pie (played by Isaac Kappy) tells them  about death curse on this camp and why this place has been shut down for 15 years. Apparently, young boy Edwin wanted to pursue his lifelong dream of  becoming a clown (yeah, you’ll read “clown” word many more times in this review). For his final exam he needed to make other clowns laugh. He prepared a  special joke for that evening. He would succeed if there wasn’t one reckless clown who got a call on his cell phone right in the moment when Edwin was doing  his act. That broke the atmosphere, no one laughed at his performance and that made him berserk. He took revenge on entire camp, slicing and dicing each and  one of them. There you have it people. If someone doesn’t laugh to your jokes, you have full right to slaughter him.

Now who is being naive                                                              Now who is being naive?

Next morning, it is pie tossing training. As usual, Valerie and Philbert are late. Philbert really puts an effort in order to Valerie allows him to fill her  circus tent. He took the blame, and as for punishment Sgt. Funnybone ordered him and Puff to transport barrel of Grandma Bonzo’s Super-seltzer through the  woods. Buzter is there as well, for some reason. Meanwhile, on the other side of woods Crazy Ernie comes to warn them about death curse (again), but he  failed due the fact that he was eaten by a bear. There goes one true hero. Anyway, Sgt. Funnybone went into the woods, looking for delayed super-seltzer  delivery. It turns out that it wasn’t clever idea since Edwin smashed a pie into his face, followed by knife to make sure pie is going to stay on Sergeant’s  face. And that’s how Sgt. Faunnybones’s reign of terror ended.

Dishonorable dischargeDishonorable discharge!

Clowns are throwing a party the very same night (probably to celebrate reduced competition). Also, they smuggled some alcohol and prostitutes. Before party  even started, old Bonzo got himself hung by Edwin. Valerie started showing her hotspots for Philbert but it all went cold when she found him with  prostitutes. Squirts was watching sex between clowns when his throat got slit by Edwin. Instead of saying last, wise words, Squirts cummed on his own face,  thus dying with smile. Since this movie is only consisted of brutal kills, I won’t make any more spoilers. I’ll give you a hint of what you should  expect….Seltzer filled with acid, decapitated man living normally, Valerie reveals her murder of her father (blaming it on Latino dude), and many more sick  murders…Now, for grand finale, Edwin placed every victim from camp as his audience in re-creation of his final exam evening… Only Valerie is left alive,  and she is meant to help him perform his act. Pay attention now. It turns out that everything was a set up by old Bonzo, for his new reality show named “You  have been clowned!!!” The worst twist ending ever!!!

Cum-shot

Conclusion: If you thought this is parody of some more famous movie, you got it all wrong. This is pure insanity and dementia. Scenes are so awful that it  seems directors were filming them once per a month and then assembling them in a movie maker. Not to mention that entire Earth is devoted to clowns. I  struggled to understand director’s message, I really was, but couldn’t make any sense of it eventually. Also, a bunch of sick murders doesn’t make a good  horror movie. But what would you expect from Troma? And for the end, here is the message from “I can’t believe it is not a Hollywood” productio: You guys  should change a name to “I can’t believe that this is considered a movie”

Worse News: Superman Lives (that never was)!

Posted: 05/09/2013 in Worse News
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Now that’s something that unfortunately never came into fruition, something that we would review the hell out of!  Of course I’m talking about fabulous Tim Burton directed and (at one point) Kevin Smith scripted Superman movie staring none other than Nicolas Cage (can you say Super- freak out?) as titular character, and Sandra Bullock as Lois Lane. With villains like Brainiac, Luthor ( who even merge at some point to became Brainlex or something in that vein) and Doomsday and a ton of European influenced Sci-Fi elements it would have been a super- hero movie unlike any ever produced! Unfortunately it all fell apart in 1997 literally weeks before the shooting began and Superman Lives went straight into the legend.

superman2f-1-web

Nick freakin’ Cage as Superman, this is just awesome!

That is, until Jon Schnepp (Metalocalypse, Grimm Fairy Tales ) decided to make a documentary about the subject. Crowdfunded through Kickstarter the project was successfully financed this March ( with more than 2100 backers) and now we even have a first official teaser to be happy about. In it Schnepp is the one freaking out- not Cage but we’re sure they’ll fix that issue in the final version.

Tell me you’re not impressed…

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Brainiac’s Skull Ship , pretty neat, ha?

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…and we’re still waiting!

Act of Piracy (1990)

Posted: 03/09/2013 in Trash movies
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act-of-piracy-movie-poster-1988-1010469415
Gary Busey had his moments in bad action movies (mostly in the 80’s), but “Act of Piracy” is so boring, bad and predictable that I would be surprised if many  people remembered it. It was one of the last Busey’s attempts to play good, family guy before he switched to bad-guys roles. Seeing this movie, I am  surprised he hadn’t it come earlier.

Film starts on some yacht carelessly cruising the sea. It is the yacht of Ted Andrews (played by Gary Busey). Ted is obviously not enjoying the cruise. He is  trying to reach a certain Sandy by the phone. She hung up on him when she heard his voice. That really have pissed him off so, in the next scene, Ted storms  into Sandy’s house by breaking a front door. Busey style, hell yeah!!! It turns out that Sandy (played by Belinda Bauer) is his ex-wife. Her current  boyfriend Dennis (played by Dennis Casey Park) is also there, but he does nothing about Ted’s busting in (*cough* pussy). Apparently, Ted wants to get  married (seems to me that he just repeats a mistake he already did). He found a buyer for his “Barracuda” yacht. Actually, girl named Laura came to him and  asked if yacht is for sale. That is how he met his girlfriend. Laura said that she knows Australian billionaire who is interested in “Barracuda”. Buyer offers  good amount of money, cash payment on delivery, with money expenses for sailing around Sydney. So, Ted decides to take his children on cruise. Sandy refuses  his request, but only for a short time, since Ted threatened her with reporting Dennis to police for stealing and cheating on people. This caused a brief  hysterical seizure to Sandy.

This is not what you think it isThis is not what you think it is.

We are back to Barracuda now. Ted and his girlfriend Laura (played by Nancy Mulford) are standing on the deck. Laura seems to be a bit nervous about meeting  his family. Her fears were solid based since she got chewed out by Ted’s kids Tracy and Mark during dinner that evening. Ted’s Brother C.W. (played by  Douglas Bristow) and his wife Nadine (played by Nadine O’Brian) are also there. Also, we find out that Ted is Vietnam veteran and Navy Seal Instructor (you  can’t go wrong with putting ex-agents into a movie). Later that night, shits are starting to happen. One of crew members, Scotty, comes in Ted’s room and  informs him that there is some speedboat following them. Ted goes to ivestigate leaving Scoty and Laura alone in the room. Laura takes that opportunity and  shoots Scotty in the back with silencer gun. I bet you didn’t see that coming! Laura continues her killing spree. She enters the room where C.W. and Nadine  are sleeping and kills them in coldblooded manner. Next on her hit list are crew members and she kills them one by one, including dumbass dude who had easily  overpowered her, knocked her on the floor and then started running away, without even previously having her disarmed. Of course, result of such action is  bullet in his back. After cabins, now deck is next place to be cleaned up. But not in the old fashion women way. More crew members died there by Laura’s  hand, including Ted, who went overboard after getting shot. It seems that cleaning is done, so Laura helps gang from the speedboat to board in. Gang leader,  Jack Wilcox (played by Ray Sharkey; best known for his role in “Mummy”) is her real boyfriend. The yacht has been cleaned for him, and the only survivors  are kids, Mark and Tracy. After an argue they decided to keep them (but not in adoption way). And somewhere in the sea, Ted is floating on a segment of the  speedboat wreck, which Jack had detonated after getting aboard on Barracuda.

Ted is in the hospital now, pulling his connections in order to find the missing yacht and the kids. His ex-wife Sandy helps him as well. Despite Agent  Johnson’s opposing, both of them decide to put in air video in which Ted offers a reward for any information about missing yacht, And kids, I suppose.  Meanwhile, on the other side, Jack, Laura and rest of the gang are planning several terrorist attacks. Taking over Madagascar, for example…. But not before  they exploit a fight between Greece and Zimbabwe. So, next scene takes us to Harare, where Jack and Laura are having a meeting with one of their contacts.  That’s not so important, so I’ll do fast forward to only scene in the movie that is worth of mentioning. After the meeting was over, Jack and Laura went to  their hotel room, where Jack is giving her what she needs. She seems completely satisfied, so she goes onto balcony to smoke a cigarette, while Jack turns  the TV on. In that very moment, Ted’s video appears on the screen, including photos of yacht and kids. Now read carefully… Ted’s turns off the TV, goes to  the balcony, starts kissing and squeezing Laura, takes her in his arms, and drops her off the balcony to her death!!! And all of that with a romantic music  playing in background!!! What a way for breaking up!!!

When you use a product, you throw away an envelope!

Ted receives a call from a hotel manager in Harare. He travels there superfast and that’s where the chasing game really begins. And after identifying  Laura’s body, he gained another personal reason for vengeance. Yeah, right. Like missing his own kids is not reason enough. Soon, the first encounter with  gang members occurs, but Busey kills them all while driving Volkswagen’s Golf 1. Jack and the rest of the gang are now in Greece, and Ted follows them using  his contacts and other anonymous people who wanted to help. He locates the missing yacht but now he needs to infiltrate. And what would be better way to do  it than sending his ex-wife Sandy (with who, btw, he renewed the old flames and who is about to be an ex-ex-wife) to seduce Jack. Not a bad idea, since he  ditched off the balcony his last bitch. So, the story repeats. But, with one difference. It seems that Jack isn’t as stupid as he looks like. He discovers  that Laura is Ted’s wife, so he uses her to capture Ted as well. Ted got some problems with being tide up, but once when he got loose, nothing could stop him  from having his face used as a punching bag, killing singlehandedly entire gang, rescuing his children and wife, and going into the sunset to that damn  cruise he always wanted. The end.

Living punching bag.

Conclusion: This movie is so uninteresting, boring and predictable that during it’s watching I came several time in temptation of turning it off and making  up the ending of movie for review purposes. I really doubt that anyone would notice it. Everything from the stunts, production, sound, soundtrack, picture is cheap and pointless. Apart of slutty Laura being chucked out of hotel balcony, none other thing in this movie is worth of mentioning. I strongly recommend  that you should stay away of this movie as far as possible!!!

Seven aka Sevano’s Seven (1979)

Posted: 30/08/2013 in Trash movies
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SevenThis is just awesome!

Movie interestingly starts with a man enjoying himself with his friends while watching some hula dancers. Then Hawaii war dancer replaces the Hula dancers and then… man gets stabed  with the spear!!! I never saw this coming! More murders follow as Karate Kid villain Martin Cove shoots a man from his car and a weird blond skateboarding dude with the mustaches shoots a man from point blank range with a crossbow. Ok, I have to admit from the get- go- this movie is something.

Sevano's.Seven.1979.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_000427040

The infamous Skateboard Killer himself!

It turns out all of the murdered men were government agents so the only man capable enough to avenge them is contacted. Buff, mustached and always accompanied by naked girls, Drew Savano gets chosen by the computer (the wonder machine that could do anything those days) and after some back and forth he accepts. Next thing you know he is cruising the Islands and gathering up a crew like you’ve never seen!

First on the list is dangerous and beautiful Native American woman Alexa (Barbara Leigh, the original Vampirella model for horror/ comicbook fans) accompanied by her Blonde masseur lady for some reason. Next up- a Cowboy, an Olympian and one of the finest gunman on the world. Then we have a Racedriver, talkative black dude with a attitude. Next up it’s Professor, the groundbreaking scientist  up to no good. Then a terrible fat jazz musician/ part-time comedian who is in fact a skilled assassin. The last but not the least is the old and exerienced Kempo Karate expert Ed Parker (playing himself) who seems to be working in construction these days imploying his board breaking techniques to a more practical use. Also Parker is there as Savano’s ace in the hall because one of their most deadly adversaries is diabolical Mr. Lee, man who passionately loves fine art and deadly Martial Arts.

Sevano's.Seven.1979.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_002362160

The founder of American Kempo Karate Ed Parker being supremely awesome.

We have a comical scene with Doctor trying to transport a blow-up doll in the Airport and after that our deadly group meets for a first and the only time before their mission is done. They all seem in good spirits and anxious to get things rolling.

Alexa seduces an old, experienced criminal boss while Cowboy and the Blond (masseur) lure in the goons and after trapping them in their car, douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. After that Cowboy sings some oldie country song and him and blond end up in bed soon afterwords. I‘m fascinated by their lack on conscience I know they are vicious criminals but burning alive is a terrible way to go.

Sevano's.Seven.1979.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_003426760This is what I call a good morning!

Parker sneaks into the building disguised as a cleaner and menages to get to the top floor where he challenges the evil Mr. Lee. Despite their life long study of Martial Arts they engage an mostly comical fistfight and after a clumsily performed throw by Parker- Lee menages to break the window glass with his head and falls off the building. Parker then confronts one of the goon who saw what just happened and breaks his neck. By the time another goon arrived (Ninja looking mustached dude) Parker grew visibly bored and decided to shoot him with a gun blurting out an immortal sentence “Hiyaaah,  my ass” All that time evil boss still kept falling (this must be the tallest building in the world)…

In the meantime Cowboy is on the roll, now taking care of the evil surfer dude. Unfortunately he gets double crossed by some Hawaiian  chick who way supposedly government agent. He seemingly dies (we are gonna spoil it for you right now, he’s not really dead). Indian girl gets her cover blown and gets raped (possibly, we’re not sure how successful was the old baster do to his advanced age) but it turns out she rigged him with the explosive so as she escapes and blows him up ’till Kingdom Comes. Black dude joins the party by paragliding while trowing bombs at the Japanese dude, I believe the accountant of the mafia.  Musician tries to bore evil Maderas and Karate Kid Villain with his stand- up comic routine and then shoots them but unfortunately loses his own life in the process.

Sevano's.Seven.1979.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_004610160

The Ultimate Weapon of Destruction- Black Man on a Para-glider!

Savano uses the blow up doll as a way to lure main villain Kahuna into opening the window of his bulletproof limo and that plan actually works but they quickly realize what he’s trying to do and send their  skateboard killer to get him. Skateboard killer then dies in the most ingenious way possible.

 

Alexa then picks up Sevano using a helicopter and they chase the villain who tries desperately to escape by the boat. They seemingly succeed but because this is a movie full of twists and turns– it turns out it was an imposter. Nothing to worry about as they blow up the real one pretty fast to, using a bazooka that Professor brought none the less- all because Sevano’s clever deduction that the imposter was a right handed man and Kahuna was left handed.

Sevano's.Seven.1979.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_004287440

…and yet, somewhere in Hawaii in this very moment the evil Mr. Lee is still falling from the building.

Verdict: This movie, cheap and ridiculous as it is indubitably great fun and it’s also notable for being the start of legendary B directors Andy Sidars’s career in movies (he was respected director  of sport events before that) and you also have pleasure of seeing him as he crystallizes the formula that made him famous, his patented “Bullets Bombs and Babes” style!

Trivia: This film contains the origin of the infamous “shooting the swordsman” gag, later popularized by Harrison Ford in Raiders of the Lost Ark. So, the next time when you see it, just remember- Ed  Parker did it first!

The Final Sanction (1990)

Posted: 27/08/2013 in Trash movies
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In one of the most intriguing AIP (Action Internacional Pictures), Prior produced film The Final Sanction after heavy nuclear exchange Russia and USA decide to settle their differences the old fashion way, by locking two soldiers (each representing their respective country) in mortal combat. Fun and interesting premise that does shine despite many bloopers and shoestring budget.

The movie starts as expected with a mish- mash of military archive footage (and one of the NASA’s rocket launching for a good measure) and we are see that the Cold War has gotten a lot hotter.Then camera pulls back to the meeting in some kind of church in  Geneva. After reaching an agreement we are transported to prison facilities where the braves and boldest of the Americans fights with a big fat man… and gets beaten for the most part before jumping on his back in effort to perform some gay- ass version of Rear Naked Choke. Fight ends soon enough via some cowboy style uppercuts and finishing headbutt. The victor is of course Ted Prior himself ( Deadly Prey, Aerobicide).

He doesn’t get to enjoy his victory much as the guards grab him and take him to get “procedure” done. He panics but it’s already too late. We learn that he is incarcerated for the murder of his commanding officer and his fellow soldiers. In the meantime we have the ultimate Russian war machine (nope, not Dolph Lundgren even better) Sergei played by the almighty Chin himself- Robert Z’Dar getting ready for his crucial mission. He is practicing by throwing mini- spades on targets, I’m not sure what’s the point of this but it’s hilarious! Later he ends up in some kind of Virtual Reality on maximum level so they can test his dedication to Mother Russia to the limit. And yes, he also kills his psychologist because his lieutenant said so.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1btlh6_spade-power_fun

Spade Power!

On the other side PrIor aka Sargent Botanick wakes up to find a woman speaking in southern twang right in his head- yes, the procedure implanted the chip right in his brain so he can be reagulary updated with information and kept in check. He nearly goes insane but after they bring  him  some cheeseburgers and fries agrees to fight to his county. He also gets a presidential pardon but that’s not important as the food. His old “friend” Ross shows up to threaten him, incredibly jealous because he didn’t get the job. They have an extremely homosexual war of words in which Botanick replies to his “fuck you” with “anytime”. Ah, the soldiers these days… Anyway he starts getting into the groove realy fast and starts calling his commander officer dragonlady (it makes no sense really to call a southern lady that way but it’s funny so I support it).

The.Final.Sanction.1990.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_000951520

Soldiers get ready, Rambo style with loud synthesizer music in the background and we’re set to go. The conflict of the two worlds most powerful nations  will be solved in… battle arena “Zulu” in Virginia- I expected something more neutral but what the hell! Botanick starts making his old school traps in the forest (see Deadly Prey) but falls prey to the Russian’s surprise attack- combination of mini- spade and then machine gun with explosive rounds. He somehow survives the ordeal but looses Sergei’s signal (it seems Russians have a few more aces up their sleeves. Dragonlady tries desperately to locate the Russian but finds she’s already too late. Sergei jumps from the tree and for some reason drops his gun to finish Prior with a spade with fantastically passionate line “This is konec” (soon to become my favorite one- liner). But Botanick’s traps finally prove handy and an explosion saves his life.

Botanic spends the night in the forsaken facility all the while hitting on the dragonlady and also reveals to her that he was framed for the murders. Tender scene is stopped just in time, with gunfire. They keep shooting and chasing one another some time and Russian finally gets close somewhere around the morning, close like in- with a mini- spade of course! I’m thinking of getting one after watching this movie. Prior again defies certain death but ends up wounded and unable to run. He still finds a time to rig the whole place (and even put a little smiley face on the floor)  but Russian comes back like a goddamn soviet terminator.

The.Final.Sanction.1990.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_003646480

Russian general tries to get in touch with Sergei to update his orders but he decides to ignore him, irritated by being almost burn alive. Next thing you know Botanic is startled from the back by Ross, the same dude that was so jealous of him. Turns out he was jealous of him for a mighty long time ’cause he set him up and got him thrown in the jail 5 years ago. And just when his death seems inevitable Sergei puts a spade through his back. So it’s finally time, Botanic and Sergei one on one without weapons each one refusing to block the other’s punches. Russian seems to be made  of stone (especialy he’s balls) but American doesn’t know the meaning of the word GIVE UP. After beating the hell out of each other they make peace.

...and then it turns out that they would both die no mater what courtesy of a back deal made by their respective governments. They escape final explosion of the movie and then find their respective generals together reaching an agreement. They expose them, arrest them and then finally Prior gets a date with the dragonlady and Sergei gets diplomatic immunity. They ask him what kind of women he likes, so they can arrange a double date and  Z’Dar joyfully proclaims “SERGEI LIKE ALL GIRLS” and credits roll.

The.Final.Sanction.1990.VHSrip.by.DNW.avi_004704400…and they all lived happily ever after!

Verdict: Even though I would call Aerobicide AIP’s  most successful film (creatively as well as financially) it was mostly a horror flick and from their long list of hard core
(and more often than not ridiculous) action movies this one sticks out like a sore thumb ( but in the good way)! Definitely worth a watch!

Atlantic Rim (2013)

Posted: 22/08/2013 in Trash movies
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Damn this movie is bad!!! Bad bad bad!!! It is too bad even for Asylum!!! I mean, I am well aware of the fact that they are famous for doing low-budget of  rip-offs of popular blockbusters, but geez… They should know their limits. You can’t just take the movie which is all about giant robots, special effects  and shallow story, and film it with budget of 300000$!

As an introduction of what is awaiting us in this motion picture, we see an offshore oil rig being attacked and completely wrecked by some sort of  dinosaur/sea monster hybrid (it’s appearance is probably a result of 7$ spent on CGI). A bit of panic followed by scenes switch to Mardi Gras on the streets,  where people are carelessly enjoying in celebration. It seems that director Jared Cohn couldn’t decide where to start, since another scene switch happens and  we are now at District 7 of Naval Base. They have received a word about another oil rig missing. Yeah, tones and tones of steel missing and they can’t find  it even with their ultra-modern radars. Old Admiral Hackley (played by Graham Greene), doesn’t have the slightest idea what’s going on. So he meets with  special commission consisted of extremely ugly NASA chick Dr Margaret Adams (played by Nicole Dickson), cute specialist Stone (played by Nicole Alexandra  Shipley) and Nick Fury look-a-like. They decide that the only way to discover what is happened to oil rigs, is to activate project Armada (now that’s something). Problem is, only one man is capable of piloting robots in the deep sea. His name is Ted Morris (played by washed-up Baywatch star David Chokachi), better known as Red and he is loose cannon. Well, it’s him or nothing.

KrakenKraken?

We are back to Mardi Gras again. Red and his girlfriend/coworker Tracey (played by Jackie Moore) are getting drunk and picking a fight with local scum. Now,  that’s romantic couple. During a fistfight they receive an order which states that they should be on deck in 10 minutes. A moment later they are in van where  their partner Treach (played by Anthony ‘Treach’ Criss) gives them briefing about mission. Even drunken jerks such as those two find it strange that entire  oil rig had just disappeared. Scene switches again, and all 3 of them are now piloting action figures on the bottom of the ocean. But they didn’t find just  oil rig. No, they encounter sea monster as well. But, we won’t see any fight here. It is because lame robots are overheating even on the bottom of the sea.  Despite the fact that they found who is responsible for sinking their oil rigs, Admiral Hackley gives the order not to pursue the monster. Of course, Red  disobeys him so Admiral is forced to shut them down. Just like that. Left without power on the ocean bottom. It is like putting a bait for monster. But, Red  still got the power since remote control didn’t work for his robot. He is heading to the coast. Fearing that entire world will find out about Project Armada  (probably because people would laugh at them), Admiral gives several instructions (all with the same face expression he had from his first appearance in movie) in order to cover up the existence of walking trash cans. But he failed miserably. Red reaches the coast and tries to warn people about dinosaur danger. He didn’t notice that monster is right behind him. During their fight on the beach, imbecilic Red had managed to kill more people than monster would be able to kill solo. Eventually, monster was killed, but only thanks to jet fighters, not because of Red’s combat skills.

Kraken Even monsters eat from a trash canEven monsters eat from a trash cans.

But their day is not over yet. They are now on the street, celebrating victory and inspecting damage and casualties that Red and his retardbot made. But  their happiness isn’t to last long, since Red gets arrested for disobeying direct orders. While heat is still on, some random guy approaches Treach and asks  him for help in finding his daughter Alexandra. According to her father’s description, Alexandre is 12 years old and almost 2 meters tall. Some advanced kids  they got there. Treach scouts building in flames with his gun unholstered and ready to shoot. No wonder poor Alexandra didn’t want to go with him since she  was probably afraid of getting shot by dumb soldier. Though, even if he fired, it would be because of fear due to fact that Alexandra is not just only tall for  her age, but extremely fat as well. She looks like Frankenstein’s daughter. Anyway, Treach somehow manages to convince her to go with him and carries her out on his back. We could actually hear his spine snapping in background!!!

Like in old timesLike in old times.

Red gets free from his prison cell under condition of being a date to Admiral Hackley on victory party. Now, am I the only one who thinks this is extremely  gay? Anyway, his partners are to accompany him to. Nothing worth of mentioning on actual party, except bad dancing and courting. But, monster attacks continue. New one has just hatched and it has a size exactly of it’s parents. They didn’t show us the actual hatch, probably because  they couldn’t find large enough egg. Red is locked again his cell (I guess he didn’t please the Admiral) and refuses to come out. So, jet fighters to the  rescue again. This time they did some heavy bombing (and unlike Red, they didn’t hit any civilian building) and monster is beaten again. But not killed. It  goes back to the water.
The fact that he didn’t do anything, doesn’t stop Red from celebrating in bar. But his celebration is ruined when he finds out that Treach and Tracey have  been putting horns on him from quite some time. What a cuckold! I am not sure if this was meant to be sub-plot since it wasn’t mentioned again until the end  of movie.

Squashed marineSquashed marine!

Armada pilots are now upgraded! They received special halos which are supposed to improve agility and power of their robots. So, now they can have a box match with the monsters. And knockout them.Monster came back for it’s final assault. Robots are now able to fly, despite the fact that they had been carried by helicopters on the beginning of movie.  The actual final fight is nothing more than Avengers rip-off, bad boxing, robot axes, archive footage, repeated sections from the beginning of movie, special  rocket that looks like condom filled with air and Red’s falling down from out of space without hurting himself! On the very end, Tracey and Red are together  again, and all 3 of them go together into the sunset while hugging each other (it seems that threesome is going to happen).

Go go power botsGo, go power bots!!!

Conclusion: I can’t say that this is the worst of Asylum since I haven’t watched all of their movies. But I can say that this is, by the far, the worst  Asylum movie I have ever watched. It is even worse than Transmorphers!!! Awful acting and special effect, plot with many holes… It’s not like the plot  should be something special in this sort of movie, but they shouldn’t have completely ignored it’s existence. Another question still remains: Is cleverly  named Atlantic Rim (Atlantic=Pacific) a rip off of popular Pacific Rim or just very bad episode of Power Rangers?

Bulletproof (1988)

Posted: 20/08/2013 in Trash movies
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Other people fight bad guys with their guns, their muscles or their martial arts, Gary Busey? Gary Busey completely destroys them with his pure insanity!

Movie starts like any 80es cop thriller with a gentle sounds of saxophone fallowed by some menacing orchestral music. Token black partner gets upsett by other cop and we find out two important things, he’s partner is Busey, called  Frank McBain (now that’s where you find that name Matt Groening, I got you there!) and he is (you guessed it) Bulletproof. How? We don’t know!

Anyway they ran into big drug operation lead by Montotoya aka legendary Danny Trejo. He stops them by… being insane of course! He shouts at them from an overhead rafter without even thinking of pulling the gun. He also uses the fascinating catchphrase “BUTTHORN” They get scared for a moment and then attempt to blow him up till kingdom come. That doesn’t work for some reason, and when he finally reaches for the gun he start dropping them like stool pigeons. He then procides to chase after the remaining criminals desperately trying to escape in the ices cream truck. It all end with a big explosion and imminent death, and soon enough another saxophone melody to signify the job well done.

Next thing you know Busey is heroicly pulling a bullet out of his shoulder in his bathroom while a naked lady with a french accent waits for him in his bathtub. Yes, he’s that cool.In the meantime military is conducting a top secret operation that seemingly consists of being captured (with a freakin’ super- tank called Thunderblast) by revolutionaries in Mexico. Now, these are not your typicall Mexican revolutionaries, don’t get me wrong- they are a motley crew of Mexican Freedom Fighters, Russian Comunnists and Arab Therorist proving that we can all get along (as long as we hate America with all our hearts)!

After sex with french lady Busey is haunted by memories of killing his partner in friendly fire on the mission and breaking up with a love of his life soon afterwords.Strangely the love of his lifei s the same blond chick that just ended up being captured in Mexico.

I think Collonel likes her too!

He is woken from his flashback ridden dreams by FBI agent Blackburn wanting to recruet him once again, ’cause they need him- now more than ever. He initialy refuses their offer but after being irritated by one of the agents (and beating up the said agent) he decides to head out to Mexico and save Devon and the General.We get a few more flashback, most notably of Busey playing the sax on the beach while Devon walks beside him and the action starts!

OMG, it’s Saxman all over again!

McBain jumps out of the plane like it was nothing, beats up a few goons and heads towards the base in their jeep.Unfortunately his infiltration skills seem a bit rusty ’cause he is captured in about 5 minutes time. Then we have a wonderful interplay between Col. Kartiff and McBain in which of course McBain calls him butthorn and treatens to blow everyone up. Seeing that crazy man’s glow in Busey’s eyes I tend to believe he could to just that. He still ends up crusified on a giant wheel and it seems that he is Bulletproof no more… but fear not, they let Devon talk to him and she uses the opportunity to throw some dynamite sticks and after explosion Busey rolls to safety still strapped to a giant wheel!!! Who comes out with this stuff? Really?

“You spin me right round, baby right round like a record baby!”

Busey then oranises an ambush and after cheerfully proclaiming “Buenos Dias” stert killing everyone in the close vicinity and finaly frees his lady. She is of course greatful but as a bloodthirsty soldier that she is- she also felt the need to do get some killing done before the make out. Hell, she even hit McBain a few times before they inevitably kissed.
After that they finally enter the fabled tank and head out to stop the evil General now jouined by even more evil Russian General (William Smith after being an evil biker in the 70es exchanged that mantle for that of evil Soviet Commander). Terrorist decide to burn alive the old church still containing an American general (that came with Devon) and bunch of civilians but super- tank approaches and a complete mayhem ensues. Evil Russian menages to snap the girl at the end but McBain know no fear and after realizing he is the same dude that made him shoot his own partner 5 years ago he executes him, I believe by a shot straight throw the red comunist star on his cap! I think he finaly got rid of the communist problem for USA that day (even thou generally speaking that problem was always more fabrication than a fact).

VTS_01_5.VOB_000123754

“BANG, you’re dead!”

Verdict: it’s more than 80es action film, it’s an 80es film on steroids and even for something like that script is so godawful that I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they had no script ready and had to improvise the whole damn thing. Busey is kinda terrible at being an action hero (he was just born to be a crazed villain) but he’s performance is still fun enough that it keeps you interested- opposite of everything else in this movie! Anyway it’s a crazy film, at some points extremely fun one, but to tell you the truth I still like the Simpsons version better.

Project Shadowchaser 2 (1994)

Posted: 08/08/2013 in Trash movies
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Frank Zagarino and director John Eyres strike again! After Shadowchaser 1 (which was decent), almost the identical crew had brought us this sequel. Was it
the same quality like the original? Judge by yourself.

The movie starts with several suits driving in limo. They are discussing about direct president’s order to dismantle secret, ultimate weapon named “Cobra”  (how original). Apparently, president doesn’t consider SSSR as a threat anymore and wants to end a cold war (doing that by bypassing Congress and Pentagon).  Suits ought to disagree with that. Their opinion is that North Korea and China are rising to be a new, even bigger threat (you can’t get wrong when you are  afraid of communists). But, order is order, and they got 28 days to move Cobra technology (oh come on, be more creative next time) to Raikon facility. Also,  this information is top secret, and superweapon shouldn’t fall into wrong hands. Yeah, in dreams. Old story.
Next scene takes us 3 weeks later. While washing his hands in toilet of facility building, Raikon employee gets executed by another Raikon employee. Hm, what could that mean? I guess we are going to find out sooner or later. And then title of movie pops-up.

Not a blair witch Not a Blair witch?

Somewhere on the dusty road, 10 years old kid with mullet named Ricky (played by Danny Hill) is hitchhiking. He didn’t need to wait for long since  convertible  took him soon after. Both driver and Ricky have same destination – Raikon industries. Meanwhile, in that facility, everybody is in haste to finish  dismantling on time. Remember, they got only one week left. And it is Christmas. Lead scientist Laurie Webber (played by Beth Toussaint) is having an argue  with their employer about their 12-16 hours of work time per day. But deadline must not be crossed. A moment later Ricky and mysterious driver, who is  alcoholic btw, are arriving to facility. It turns out that Ricky came to see his mother Laurie and that driver is Frank Meade (played by Bryan Genesse) who  is mechanic at Raikon Industries. But he is soon-to-be an ex-mechanic, since his constant drinking and slacking at work had led to firing his ass (which again was tolerated until the moment he made a remark about Laurie’s ass). And I forgot to mention that toilet-killer had also enter the building. Shits are about to hit the fan. Which had happened in the evening when special delivery arrived. Special scientist Joe Hutton (played by Todd Jensen), who is obviously a spy (you could tell that by first look at him), was about to take care of it when another nosy scientist stormed in and demanded that he should  be the one to open a special crates. It turned out that curiosity really can kill you, since gun with silencer had poked out of crate and made second  bellybutton on unlucky scientist.

This is what happens when you open your Christmas gift earlierThis is what happens when you open your Christmas gift earlier.

Later that night, the entire band of terrorist had stormed in, massacring everyone around, and showing no mercy even for women. After clearing the first  floor, they decided to get back up. So, more terrorists are about to arrive. But no, this back up is consisted of one albino-android (played by Frank  Zagarino) who looks like Billy Idol on anabolic steroids. Android, with the escort of 2 terrorists, goes on the second floor where Christmas party is being  held. With the complete lack of Christmas spirit, Zagarino went to killing spree, showing no mercy even for Santa Claus, thus putting an end to this party  much before everyone got drunk. Soon, they reveal to us their true goal. Besides of stealing the Cobra technology, they want from government to release from  prison 2 of their brothers “freedom fighters” (of course, those prisoners are Muslims), giving them only 6 hours of time, or else they are going to launch  nuclear missile on Washington. Oh come on, this is too much cliché even for 1994.

He ruined ChristmasHe ruined Christmas!!!

And what our heroes are doing during that massacre? All three of them are hiding in the basement. And they are not even together. Being separated in such  moments must be very smart thing to do, especially for 10 years old Ricky. He was hiding and minding his own business when fat, bearded pedophile-looking  terrorist captured him and started touching him. For keeping out things of going much worse for poor Ricky (and us, for that matter), we should thank to  Frank (not Zagarino) and his heroically assault on armed pedophile. After some fight and showing us his martial arts skill, Frank managed to scorch the  terrorist in one of more ridiculous scenes of this movie.

But now Laurie needs a help. She has been attacked by straight terrorist with night vision goggles. So, Frank Meade to the rescue again! Interesting thing is  that alcohol gives a strength to Frank, since he got hidden bottles in every single corner of facility. Power of drunk – activated. More martial arts. Brain  damaged terrorist who uses a nunchakus to choke his enemy instead of beating him. Frank steals his nunchakus, beats a crap out of terrorist and, for coup de  grace, finishes him with small axe throw. Outstanding!!!

Now, the chasing begins. Laurie apparently got chip needed for entering the vault and activating Cobra Technology. It is hanging by her neck. Joe Hutton  starts to lose it but Zagarino calms him down very quickly, with his strong arm. Meanwhile, while Joe and android are settling their argue, Laurie finds out  that Cobra System is actually multi-headed neutron bomb so powerful that it’s blast can’t be controlled for single-targeting so it has to be dismantled (big  bombs, always about big bombs). In order to prove to government that he is not joking, albino-android takes down a plane full of passengers. Actual scene of missile hitting the plane and  explosion of aircraft is such a nonsense, that it makes me wonder if director of this movie have ever seen explosion in his life, apart of cartoons.

Make a wish, star if fallingMake a wish, star is falling!

We are now at point of movie where you can precisely see how bad it actually is. Zagarino takes things into his own hands, and goes alone in search for chip.  Seems like a mistake, don’t you think? Well, wrong. Not even that he managed to singlehandedly retrieve a chip, but he also managed to capture Ricky. I just  fail to see a point of that, especially when keeping in mind that he wanted only girl alive. Well, no point in thinking about that now. Anyway, bad guys have  found the bomb and it seems that USA can start shitting into her own pants. But, gang still wants to settle the score with our heroes. So they send cheap  imitation of Rambo, who ends up electrocuted. Only in this movie.

Funny thing how can you get electrocuted when holding isolation in your handsFunny thing how can you get electrocuted when holding isolation in your hands.

The real garbage is left for end. I don’t want to spoil your potential watching of this movie, so I will be short. Let’s just say that that garbage is  consisted of android showing his emotions and cracking oneliners all the time, archive footage of F-15 planes (tremendous), girl overpowering android and  impailing his steel body, minutes that last for 100 seconds (probably the only original idea of this movie, but pointless), and awful , awful,  awful blue  screen explosion….  For the very end, Laurie makes a remark about Frank’s ass. But that’s not everything…. List of credits is followed by twisted, sick  remix of “Jingle bells” song. Complete brain smasher.

Metric timeMetric time?

Conclusion: I really don’t know what to say about movie so full of clichés, where androids have sense of humor and show more emotions than actual living  people, minute lasts for 100 seconds, planes exploding 5 minutes after being hit by missile… It even would be fun to watch if there wasn’t so much Americanism and anti-communists propaganda, which are plain boring. Creativity of directing and producing team is on the level of mentally challenged reality show participates. Only thing worth of mentioning (on the plus side), is martial art performance by Bryan Genesse. He is the only one who knows how to fight, including the star of this movie, Frank Zagarino.

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