Almighty Thor (2011)

Posted: 17/06/2013 in Trash movies
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We already knew that this movie is extremely rushed low budget piece courtesy of Asylum but they still managed to surprise us.  Movie starts with Loki chanting some supposedly evil things a laughing. Coincidentally Loki is played by none other than Richard Grieco, once upon a time a Teen Idol, now definitely not a teen, and idol even less than that. He magically transports to Valhalla much to detriment of Odin’s soldiers who tries to stop him. They fail. In the meantime Odin (very cave- man looking wrestler Kevin Nash)and he’s two sons, tough Baldir and imbecilic Thor climb a sacred mountain to consult “The Weavers of Fate”. Weavers don’t seem to like him as they suggest he gives the Hammer of Invincibility to Loki and give up even before the battle has started. They predict the imminent destruction of all realms including Asgard, Earth and… the other realms (hmmm… someone was to bored to look it up in Wikipedia it seems). Odin is angry but Thor seeing the prophets of doom declares “I don’t believe in faith” with extremely dumb look on his face and then they all leave.

Don’t know about acting but Kevin Nash’s Odin would kicks Anthony Hopkins ass 3 ways till Sunday!

Loki is working hard on conquering Asgard, that’s rather small, consisting of a forest a small castle surround by a trench filled with water. He doesn’t seem to have any kind of army so he sends his giant coyote/ dinosaurs hybrids that he calls Gamrs for some reason to wreck havoc and find him the fabled Hammer. Odin and sons get into a fight with Gamrs and Thor almost dies. Odins enters the duel with Loki and destroys his skinny ass but Loki succeeds in tricking him into stabbing his own son (don’t worry, it’s Berendal not Thor) and then finishes him. Of course the old man still had enough reason in him to teleport the hammer and spoil the devious one’s plans.

Thor wakes up just in time to witness a complete tragedy of his family. Odin sends him to get the Hammer with his dying breath. After declaring revenge his father tells him (in the kindest way possible) that he is an idiot and that he should use his head for once in his life. Thor fails to do even that. He faces Loki and gets beaten into pulp. Of course because of inability of two actors and non- existence of choreographer fight is filmed in combination of time lapses and slow motion scenes.Not even that can mask the stupidity of their confrontation (and this whole movies is based  around scenes of their confrontations). Just when it looks like “our” hero is ready to join his family in Valhalla kinda old Latino chick saves him by hitting Loki with a big stick. Not being immune to such primitive weapon Loki is left stunned and a lovely couple runs away to safety. Loki sends his Dino-Coyotes after them but they are already gone…

Moguchiy.Tor.2011.L2.HDTVRip-AVC.mkv_000587879

Loki, the god of awkward facial expressions!

Latino lady that seems completely out of place here presents herself as Jarnsaxa (hmmm… don’t remember that one from those Myths & Legends book I loved as a kid) and states that she is a servant of Odin. Where was she when he master was brutally killed seems irrelevant. Thor insists of getting after Loki again despite getting a beating of his life just minutes ago. Jarnasaxa then beats him  with a stick and he finally shuts up (it took him long enough). They use a magical portal to transport to a “Sacred Place” that suspiciously looks like the other end of the same forest. After two minutes  there Ja’x proclaims that his training is done (shall we see some bonus scenes of 80es training montage in a special edition DVD in the future?) Anyway, Loki finds them easily and they transport again… this time IN OUR WORLD!

Two or them are in L.A. and Thor is momentarily presented with an opportunity to beat up someone. Stereotypical black gang member is trying to steal some money from a lady and he almost kills him enthusiastic with the fact that there’s someone weaker than his in this world. Jarnsaxa presents Thor with her secret stash of weapons in Earth Realm and Thor goes head over heals over an Uzi gun. Seeing the destructive power of the said gun he proclaims he’s love for all humans! What a strange course of events.

Then they found a way to teleport themselves further, to the mystical Tree of Life, and this is the point where things get extremely confusing. Jax’ promises Thor to go with him every step of the way but then leaves him alone at the first corner. Tree ends up being guarded by a cyborg looking knight and is for some reason on a junkyard!!! Didn’t they leave the Eart realm like 5 minutes ago? Then being victorious (two in a row, personal record) he speaks with a tree of life, which answers in his fathers voice. He claims the Hammer and promises to save the world from destruction. Now here’s the biggest problem here, Loki needs the Hammer to end all worlds and he can’t reach it the way things are… Not knowing how to find the Tree of Life (if he can even guess that’s the place Odin placed the Hammer) all the realms are completely safe. It’s Thor who by removing the Hammer gives Loki opportunity to trick him (and that’s kinda what he does for a living), claim the Hammer and destroy the world. So if Ragnarok does come, it will be all on Thor, that imbecilic self- obsessed brat not able to thing straight JUST ONCE for a life of him!

Moguchiy.Tor.2011.L2.HDTVRip-AVC.mkv_002870451

Hammer, the cause and the solution to all life problems!

Now Ja’x pleads him to continue his training, and face Loki when he gathers an army (not that bad of an idea) but he insists to face him now, ALONE. Loki easily blinds him some powder and  almost takes a Hammer but Jax’ appears out of nowhere (again) and cut offs his arm. Then they run away (again) and Thor (I kid you not) cries like a little baby. Also I’m fascinated by the fact that all of these fights happen in some back alleys and in front of the car repairs and things like that. I think if they tried to film in a populated area they would all be arrested for the lack of  permits. Anyway after being almost hypnotized by Loki’s magic he decides to fight him again! This dude is an imbecile… and a loser too. I mean you have to figure out you’re not very good at this at this point. Then surprisingly he supposedly kills Locky and takes his magic staff with him. After they enter the magically protected sanctuary Locki appears from his stick and Thor gasps in horror. Jarnsaxa saves  him for like a millionth time and they escape. Next with have two of them walking the empty streets… and Loki doing the same. When I think about it almost half of this movie consists of people  walking empty back streets.

You can always notice the extremely evil person because evil people walk a lot…If you live by the Uzi  you will die by the Uzi!

They fail to use the gateway and Loki and Thor face of in the most ridiculous scene here, I’m not gonna spoil it for you but it has an Uzi in it. Thor eventually escapes and in one of the most ridiculous scenes in this ridiculous movie treats the bullet wound with a magic potion.

If you live by the Uzi  you will die by the Uzi!

He eventually comes back for Ja’x but ends up tricked AGAIN and  captured, crucified on top of a building. Loki start tearing up the city using his dinosaurs and all 10 people who seem to live there run in panic. Thor scream like a little girl as he throws him in the realm of dead (or the poor green screen realm as we like to call it). Earth musters little bit of defense but Loki shoots down those helicopters constantly yelling “Ragnarok” like an anime  battle cry or something.

Ragnarok

Yeah, something like that!

Then he finally reaches The Tree of Life, defeats the cyborg knight (who’s still there for some reason) and the End of the World starts- only it looks surprisingly like a ton of archive footage speeded up and played in reverse. Thor forges a new better Hammer (made of metal!) and escapes the realm of Hel and then we have another duel at hand. This time, seeing that the movie is (thankfully) ending Thor is victorious and menages to destroy the old Hammer (remember the lesson here kids, metal is better than stone if you want to hurt someone). To complete the circle he than visits the “The Weavers of Fate” and destroys all their work to prove the point that our destiny is our own. What an inspiration!

Verdict: If this was a non- profit fan film it would be considered an extremely bad one. Considering the fact that you are actually expected to pay for this garbage I believe this should be labeled not as a film but  as a crime against humanity, ’cause it really is just that.

Moguchiy.Tor.2011.L2.HDTVRip-AVC.mkv_004096550 Cody Deal! What an actor!

Tribute to The Asylum Films (1997- 2013)

Posted: 13/06/2013 in Tribute
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The Asylum was founded in 1997 by producers David Rimawi and Sherri Strain (formerly of Village Roadshow Pictures) with an up and coming director David Michael Latt. They originally envisioned making their profit by producing a number of  low to middle budget Horror films per a year. That strategy proved almost fatal as they faced competition in major studios like  Lions Gate Entertainment (who despite being a big studio still controlled the solid piece of the pie in the straight to DVD world too).

asylum logoConsider this logo an early warning system…

Faced with a choice to completely rethink their whole approach or perish they decided to do something that was never done before- at least not with such precision and dedication! They created the new kind of movie- THE MOCKBUSTER!

In 2005 they produced the extremely low budget adaptation of HG Well’s War of the World roughly at the same time Steven Spielberg major picture of the same name, staring Tom Cruise. Blockbuster LCC ordered somewhere around 100,000 copies of The Asylum’s adaptation and next thing you know their business model was born! Rimawi and Strain continued to produce a string of lo- fi tie-ins to popular franchises with striking similarities to popular blockbusters (in the title, cover and to a degree a script too). That’s how we got “hits” like Transmorphers, The Terminators,  AVH: Alien vs. Hunter, The Day the Earth Stopped, Titanic II, Princess of Mars and Almighty Thor!

Their system is simple one. The production company averages two releases a month, shoots last only about three weeks, and most budgets never go past 200 000 dollars, all go direct to video, and they spend absolutely nothing on advertising or marketing. They share their movies primarily in three categories  (based on the budget of course) :  network television films (the dreaded SyFy channel), 1 million dollars or less due to the “star” like Tara Reid, Lorenzo Lamas or Eric Roberts and post- production for CGI monsters effects (think of the movies like Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid or Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus),  then we have Sexy Comedies and Horror Films (their original love), those take about 200 000 dollars each and we are left with (these days extremely overused sub- genre) Found- footage horror, and those are in 100 000 dollars or less range. I think by know you understand the simplicity and pure genius of this model and the greatest thing of them all- people are so stupid they don’t even notice what they bought/ rented until it’s too late!

Asylum collectionChoose, but choose wisely!

Of course things are not all sunshine and rainbows on The Asylum front. Recently Universal Studios filed a lawsuit against The Asylum for their American Battleship, due to infrigement with their Battleship.  Soon Warner Bros. with New Line Cinema and MGM fallowed, commencing legal action against Asylum’s The Age of Hobbits ( brilliant tittle I might add) claiming they were free- ridding campaign for Peter Jackson’s forthcoming film. Asylum eventually released it under the title Clash of the Empires (or Lords of the Elves depending where you’re from), keeping their exploitative theme intact.

ageofthehobbits_largeIs there a single person out there that doesn’t want to see this?

Avenging Force (1986)

Posted: 10/06/2013 in Trash movies
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Martial arts expert (or at least they say so) Michael Dudikoff is having a role of his career in this movie. He plays no one else but Chuck Norris, aka Matt Hunter. Sounds familiar? This movie is a sequel to legendary Invasion USA, where almighty Chuck Norris had defeated evil Soviets. But this part is completely different (and worse) than the first one, and with  controversial background story. Or at least Cannon folks and director Sam Firstenberg ( American Ninja and American Ninja 2: The Confrontation) tried to look controversial.

Avenging-ForceIt must have been bad year.

The movie starts in a jungle. Two men are running in fear. They are pursued by wannabe ninja, sadomaso commando, and  a costume ball rejects. First one gets impaled by some kind of sadomaso commando’s spear (not that spear you have in mind). The second one gets strangled by one of costume ball rejects after entering a river, which caused ecstasy of perversion on the murderer’s face. Remember this starting scene, since it is  important for story.

Avenging Force (1986).avi_000271920S&M Commando – New elite unit!

Matt Hunter is former military intelligence agent who had resigned that job in order to take care of his sister.  Despite the fact that it had passed only one year since the first part,  he now looks younger and totally different.  Also, he settled down on small ranch, where we see him for the first time in this movie. He takes care of his much younger sister Sarah (played by Allison Gereighty), after their parents death.  Their grandfather is there too, who from time to time, makes a remarks about physical appearance of his granddaughter.  Rather sick old bastard, don’t you agree? While there, Matt and Sarah got an invite from their family friend Larry Richards (Steve James; also played in wretched American Ninja) to pay a visit him in New Orleans. Also, Larry is running for the Senate and he needs Matt’s help with something. So, brother, sister and oldman had decided to hit the road.  First thing our hero did after arriving at Richards family was kissing Larry’s wife Daisy (played by Sylvia Joseph) in front of everyone.  But Larry didn’t seem to mind. Matt later learns that Larry is on the hit list of so called “Pentangle” group (group’s name is the result of fail definition of pentagram), which is consisted of powerful rich white people. Apparently, they don’t approve idea of Larry being a black man who is running for the Senate. So, Matt Hunter agrees to protect Larry and his family. Oh great,  they should feel safe, now when the mighty white Dudikoff-man is protecting them.

Avenging Force (1986).avi_000515080Paying price for protection.

But during Mardi Gras parade, Pentangle agents attacks Larry and his family. Larry’s youngest son is killed. Of course, Matt Hunter wouldn’t arrive in time to stop bloodshed, since he was too busy partying. Tho, he did manage to shoot one of the agents into nipples while that one was trying to escape on motorcycle. But, that doesn’t remove taste of failure, so Matt decides to move the rest of Richards family into a safe house.  Meanwhile, at  “America for Americans” Kendo exhibition (where Kendo is represented as the most American of all American’s sports – I wonder what Japanese would have to say about this) Prof. Elliott Glastenbury (played by John P. Ryan), founder of  Pentangle group, is holding a racist anti-mexican speech, in which he calls upon all of his followers to take weapons in hands and clean the USA of illegal immigrants. His speech is followed by cheers of approval and state of ecstasy on faces of his followers.

Avenging Force (1986).avi_001499040This is the effect that inspirational racist speech should have on it’s listeners.

Matt asks his former boss to get him some info about Pentangle group.  It turns out that they are powerful racist paramilitary group, whose favorite hobby is hunting people and they don’t want black man to be elected to Senate.  After departing with Larry at hospital, Matt finds Ku Klux Klan style note written on Richards’ residence. He doesn’t seem to be much aggravated by this vandalism attempt.

Avenging Force (1986).avi_001642320It has been written black on white!

Next morning, Larry receives a call from so called Television 11 in which he has been asked to discuss recent tragic events. It’s obviously a trap so Matt goes with him. And they were right…. It is a trap!!! So, they chased Pentangle agents, eventually forcing them to withdraw to some construction yard.  And that’s where fight begins. I won’t describe it, since you can watch that fight right under this text*. I’ll just point you to pay attention on interesting contrast between black Larry (who is real martial arts expert) and white Dudikoff (self-proclaimed martial arts expert).

*above mentioned fight. Enjoy if you can.

Pentangle learns about Matt Hunter and they decide to take him out too. Remember the safe house where Matt took Richards family? That would be his ranch. How cunning of him. So they should be completely safe there, right? WRONG!!!   Pentangle agents burned safe house to the ground. Daisy is no more and Larry, the only cool guy in this movie, is moments from death. There, in his last moments, Larry had Matt to promise him that he will protect his only remaining son. Matt took a vow with no doubt on his face. So that should settles it, right? WRONG AGAIN!!! The only Richards remaining offspring is brutally killed couple of moments later, after falling with Matt from the roof. We notice that old movie rule according to which children won’t die even in gruesome horrors doesn’t apply here too. At least not for black children. So, the entire black family has been wiped out, despite protection of Matt Hunter! And his sister Sarah (whose acting is even worse than Dudikoff’s) is kidnapped. Now it’s personal!!!

No comment.

Furious by the fact that his sister has been kidnapped (and, in much less measure, by his failing to fulfil the promise given to Richards) Matt Hunter goes in one man crusade against Pentangle agents, fighting against sadomaso commando, costume ball rejects, kabuki ninjas, transvestites and somewhere along the way managing to save Sarah… Every encounter was 1v1, and Dudikoff got beaten almost to death by every single Pentangle agent, in fighting scenes that make American Ninja look like Bruce Lee movie!!! However, Matt manages to kill each and one of them in most ridiculous ways that sickos from Cannon could have imagined. In his final fight, he beats evil Prof. Elliott in his own mansion, thus putting  an end to racist tyranny.

Avenging Force (1986).avi_004646480

Conclusion: Although this should be an anti-racist movie, we couldn’t help but notice that black people are represented here as puny, weak, incompetent bunch, who would die without a help of white man. Also, for an anti-racist film, there is surprisingly large number of dead black people. They are dying like flies and actually not a single one of them  makes it through the end. Last 30 minutes of movie are such confusion and bullshit. Why? Well, because Matt Hunter didn’t actually put much effort until the moment his sister got kidnapped. Judging by those last half an hour of this garbage it turns out that black family didn’t matter at all. Matt shows no emotions after first kid had died, and not even after the rest of Richards family  got slaughtered. Entire anti-racist idea falls in  water the moment when Richards family die and Sarah gets kidnapped. My advice: Don’t watch this disaster unless you are a supporter of Ku Klux Klan. 

Worse News: Cyborg Nemesis: Dark Rift teaser trailer!

Posted: 08/06/2013 in Worse News
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We already talked about this one when we reviewed the original Nemesis film waaaaaay back but we finally have some concrete news… and they are not really promising. Or they are really promising if you want it reviewed on this page in the foreseeable future.

Anyway it seems that Albert Pyun failed to bring some of the old “stars” of his two franchises, namely Van Damme and Olivier Grunner.  He also failed to bring ‘roided female MMA star Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos and (I must admit an interesting choice that makes a lot of sense) Van Damme’s daughter Bianca Bree (aka Bianca Van Varenberg aka Bianca Van Damme) . It seems that all the weight is planted firmly on the shoulders of a newcomer and a lead actress a 16 year old Joei Fulco and in the MMA fighters crossover department we’re left with Kim Couture, 3rd rate fighter famous mostly for being an ex- wife of 5 time UFC Champion Randy “The Natural” Couture. The rest of the cast are Pyun regulars like Michael Pare (he’s really fallen on hard times did he?), Kevin Sorbo (the less said about his career- the better) and Sasha Mitchell.

Pyun predicts that Fulco will end up being a great star and for his (and everybody’s ) sake I hope he’s right ’cause without a charismatic lead this cheap, lo- fi SF action flick could easily end up being a complete train-wreck. Just behold insecure camera work and sub- par CGI bellow (coupled with a strange, STRANGE soundtrack choice).

Info via  http://www.dreadcentral.com

Cool Air (2013)

Posted: 30/05/2013 in Trash movies
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Desecration of H.P. Lovecraft’s lifework continues even in modern age. But this time it’s not wretched Brian Yuzna who had crippled this master of horror (but after watching this I wished it was him). Now, who could do even lousier job than Yuzna, you might wonder. Who else than Albert Pyun, master of making complete calamities out of movies. He had filmed Cool Air in 2006., but he had problems finding the distributors for entire 7 years! And now I can see why.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_000276150Don’t be fooled by this! There are no visual effects here!

That something is terribly wrong here (besides the fact that Albert Pyun is director), we could notice on the very beginning, when we were tormented with intro that has been made in Powerpoint (badly if I might add), with at least 70% of the entire script written in it!!! Then, out of nowhere, we get 5 more minutes of monologue of Charlie Baxter (played by  Morgan Weisser), a struggling screenwriter who tries to find his inspiration isolated somewhere in the mountains above Malibu.  He finds accommodation in some mountain mansion. It is beginning of summer. What really pokes my eyes is too sunny and relaxed environment (yeah, even inside the mansion) that does not go along with this genre. Also, camera handling is amateurish at best, due to it’s constant shaking. Absence of slowing video in post-production (if there were any) makes me to  feel like I am watching some kind of documentary or reality show.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_000082749Fascinating!

After renting the room, Charlie starts meeting the other residences of mansion. There we have suspiciousness landlady, her autistic daughter Estella (played by Jenny Dare Paulin),  mysterious doctor in a room above him (from where some sort of fluid is dripping into his room), and strange, old man residing across the hall. The young writer seems to be mostly interested in Estella. His intentions to score with retarded girl are well known to all of us. And even to her mother, the landlady. After one of Charlie’s attempts to get closer to Estella, her mother finally gets pissed off  and orders him to pack his things and leave the house in 24h. But, instead of listening to her and getting the hell out of there before she calls a police, Charlie gets a wave of inspiration caused by recent events and lodgers. So, he sits down and starts furiously writing his long ago started and never finished “Great American Screenplay”.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_001905904This screenplay will  surely end up reviewed by Worsemovies crew.

Now keep in mind that Charlie is obviously young, strong and completely healthy man. So, it was surprise to us when he suddenly suffers heart attack while writing his story. Unable to call for help, he staggers to staircase, followed up by annoying flashes of picture camera that has been used for making this movie.  There is no one around him and he collapses. But, suddenly the doors of the upper room opens and older, ugly woman appears.  Yeah, that’s the room with cool air in it and from where fluids are dripping. Now he could complain about it (if he wasn’t almost dead, that is). He passes out, but the Doctor takes him into treatment. And he awakes in a cold room as a cured man. That room belongs to Doctor Shockner (played by Crystal Green). There, he finds out about Doctor’s special medical condition that has forced her into life in coldness.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_002187476Hm, she is not that well preserved.

Now Charlie is back to his room. Since he will be very fragile for next several weeks, Doctor Shockner had managed to convince landlady to let him stay in the mansion. Estelle was really glad to hear this, so for next couple of weeks she has been serving him with love in her eyes. Poor child. But, things are changed. After a recovery, Charlie starts spending more and more time at Doctor Shockner’s room, listening to her insights about tissue and organs preserving, and also attending her needs (not that kind of needs!) of outside world. All of that until the day  air conditioner in doctor’s room got broken which caused her starting to melt down and falling apart (shown by the worst effects of evaporation ever). Things are even worse for her due the fact that it is summertime and it is really hot outside. After one of Doctor’s fingers fell off, Estella took it and buried in the ground hoping that something will grow out of it (?!). Anyhow, this turned out to be huge shakedown for Charlie, who closed himself into his room, suffering alone and occasionally writing his screenplay. Strange old man named Deltoid from across the hall visits  Charlie to give him a comfort. Deltoid (played by Morgan’s father Norbert Weisser; best known for his episode roles in The Thing and Schindler’s List) told Charlie a sob story of how he was worker in amusement park and how he killed his wife.  Also, he revealed to young writer that he is keeping his dead wife in freezer for a long time hoping that Doctor Shockner will eventually keep her promise and restore her back to life.  In the end, he cuts his own wrists ( no blood at all; I guess ketchup was waaaaaaaaaaaay over Pyun’s budget) , lays before his dead wife in freezer and dies!!!

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_003820983She is so hot that she is steaming!!!

After Doctor’s demise, Charlie decides that it is time for him to move away, leaving behind dead old man, unhappy retarded girl, her satisfied mother, and huge pile of Shockner’s remains. We get 10 more minutes of monologue and Powerpoint presentations. The end (?)

Conclusion: I am not even sure that this can be considered as a movie. Shaky amateurish camera, bad acting, reality show style filming, monologues that seems to be recorded after the filming was over and then added in post-production (if there were any), non-existence of any kind of visual effects…. All of these things make watching this movie to be unbearable experience.  The script has absolutely nothing to do with actual Lovecraft’s story, which shouldn’t be considered as surprise since we know that Pyun’s girlfriend Cynthia Cuman was in charge of adaptation. Another scary fact are occasions that led to making this movie. Apparently, Albert Pyun had decided to take a break while working on Infection (2005), so he used those 2 weeks of pause in order to make Cool Air. Now, I always salute every attempt of filmmaking without using CGI, but Pyun shouldn’t have completely ignored this technique. It seems that Albert Pyun’s failing at making movies is progressive, as the time passes. This is, without any doubt, the worst H.P. Lovecraft adaptation in extremely strong competition. The only light spot of this monstrous cinematography attempt is music made by Anthony Riparetti. That’s the only thing that goes along with this story and genre.

Cool.Air.2013.DVDRiP.AC3.XViD-CM8.avi_000534951Possible scriptwriter of Cool Air.

Worse News: Kickboxer Web Series

Posted: 28/05/2013 in Worse News
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         We recently covered the ridiculous (but fun) Kickboxer IV: The Aggressor but now we got some fascinating follow-up news!  Director of Kickboxer IV (and also Kickboxer II: The Road Back ) Albert Pyun is considering teaming up with Sasha Mitchell once again for another Kickboxing epic, this time in the form of 12 part web series and we even have an official synopsis (although it is an early draft and some things could change before the final product emerges). You may notice that hero’s name is changed from David to Daniel due to Pyun not possessing the rights for Kicboxer franchise (that’s also considered for a reboot by a big studio) but don’t let that bother you, he’s essentially the same character. Here’s the synopsis from the Pyun-man himself!

        “In hiding in South America for the past 20 years, happy working as blacksmith and raising his family off the grid in a small high mountain village in the Andes, Daniel (SASHA MITCHELL), is reluctantly drawn into a conflict between a drug cartel and his village. In the aftermath, an old friend of Daniel’s from his days running a gym, JOE ( Michael Dudikoff?), now a DEA agent stationed in the region, offers his help.In a bigger skirmish with Cartel soldiers recognize Daniel as an ex-kickboxing champion and set out to force him to fight in UFC style fights to the death the Cartel stages deep in the Amazon jungle and Cartel territory. In an attack, Daniel’s family is captured by the Cartel and force marched deep into the amazon jungle. Danny goes after the Cartel, and, with the help of a village elder and Joe, tracks the Cartel deep into the Amazon. In the process, Daniel is captured and forced to participate in a MMA event staged by a Cartel for the pleasure of all Cartel bosses worldwide. The Pay For View signal is pirated around the world so audiences watch Daniel using his old style Muay Thai and Kickboxing against modern MMA styles.

A Pay For View Cartel event with, for Daniel, the prize his family’s life.”

Pyun  plans to start filming as soon as he’s done with Cyborg Nemesis: The Dark Rift. It could be as early as July, and setting is interestingly Ecuador. He also confirmed that he would absolutely love to include Michael Dudikoff (American Ninja, Avenging Force) as a local DEA agent and Sasha’s ally. As they worked together before on the manic Radioactive Dreams it would be timely reunion for those two.

SM

Sasha Mitchell playing with his dog, as far as we know the dog doesn’t have a role in the new Kickboxer series, yet…

The Guyver (1991)

Posted: 27/05/2013 in Trash movies
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G

No matter what this cover claims, Mark Hammil is NOT Guyver!

This movie starts unassumingly enough with a Japanese scientist facing a vicious gang lead by none other by the legendary Michael Berryman. Scientist does the only logical think he can do in this situation, ru… TURNS INTO A FREAKIN’ GILLMAN!? That doesn’t really help him much ’cause it seems that every single member of the gang has a “turn into a monster” switch. The poor dude never had a chance.

Little while later the detective is on the case, we know he’s the detective ’cause he is Max aka Mark Hamill with MUSTACHES! Although that makes him look a bit more like an old pervert when I think about it. He finds the daughter of the scientist in a local Martial Arts club and that’s where we meet our hero! Yes, the main character of this film is not by any means an SF/ Geek Culture legend like Hamill, nope! It’s an irritating blond highschooler called Sean who’s just this moment getting  his ass kicked five ways to Sunday by a long haired dude who strangely wears a combination of Aikido hakama and Metallica shirt (it seems some things have changed sense the last time I went into the Aikido dojo).

The girl Mizky (Vivian Wu) takes the news surprisingly well, but I believe that’s just because of the actress’s inability to display any kind of convincing emotional reaction. Hamill takes her to the murder scene hoping the girl would provide any kind of clue and Sean fallows them. Maybe he’s jealous or something? Anyway trying to eavesdrop he stumbles onto a strange metal object and decides to keep it. A bit later he decides to pay Mizky Segawa a visit ’cause she promised him a date- despite the fact that her father just died hours ago!!! Now this Sean is either an asshole or a moron… or quite possibly both! I already said that he is a terrible lead character, right?

Disappointed he heads back and he’s luck doesn’t’ get any better. He gets ambushed  by a street gang. And their leader is no one other than Aikido- Metalhead dude. He decides to continue what he started in the dojo, with a bit of backup this time. Son tries to defend himself but he’s martial arts are so pathetic that he almost gets killed but than something extraordinary happens… the alien bio- armor Guyver activates and merges with him and despite a bit dodgy effects suit is pretty cool. He of course completely destroys criminals but stays on the street dumbfounded trying to realize what the hell just happened.

Are all gangs really this retarded?

In the meantime the evil director of Kronos Corporation (David Gale who you may remember from such films as the Re-animator and Bride of the Reanimator)  is giving Berryman  a lesson for his failure to deliver the Guyver which he calls the most powerful weapon in the universe. It turns out that Lisker (Berryman) brought him a suitcase that contained no Guyver (but it did have a broken toaster in it). Having no other clues he orders him to find Sagava’s daughter and bring her to him. Also he displays his supreme evil by smashing a previously mentioned toaster!

We all know it’s all toasters fault!

Hamill is connecting the dots back to Kronos Corp. but other policeman (being stupid or corrupt) are trying to stop him. He disobeys and continues his investigation. Sean who can at this point only be described as a stalker again visits the girl again and after seeing she is completely heartbroken asks the immortal question “May is something wrong? Man, are you dense, retarded or something? You fallowed her to the murder scene last night, don’t you remember!? Of course he uses the opportunity to try to get in her pants. Unfortunately a neighbor comes barging in and he runs away seeing his opportunity for sex is gone. He returns a bit later with some food hoping for another chance with Mizky but founds Berryman and the his band of merry Zoanoids kidnapping her. Also Berryman shows that he is the hit with the ladies He offers a trip to Brazil to the muscled up lady with crazy hair and she practically jumps all over him. Sean doesn’t know what to do but then Max appears out of  nowhere and spoils everything for the mutant team. Seeing they are getting away the already pathetic rapper dude transforms into a freakin’ JAR- JAR BINKS ON STEROIDS!

Hamill asks the girl what is happening and she screams “They want the Guyver” And the Guyver is right beside her without her even knowing it- what an incredible series of coincidences! All of the goons go all Moster Squad-y and that’s the moment when you finally realize how much they dropped the ball with the monster costumes. I mean, this movie is almost exclusively based on monsters a and this is what we get? Rejects from a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers show? That’s kinda’ tragic.

You Don’t Mess with the Zoanoids!

After beating the living crap out of Hammil they concentrate on the girl and Sean and finally unleashes his power. Well, not really first he fails even at that but than after getting Hulk mad he proclaims “I am the Guyver” and truly becomes one. Bio-armored Warrior vs Monster- OK, that’s something that will finally make this movies watchable, right? WRONG! Jar- Jar start rapping like a 5 year old white kid challenging Guyver to fight and at that point all I want to do is turn off this film and never speak of it again. For some strange reason we decide to soldier on and when fighting finally starts it’s half- way decent. Some fancy karate moves , some of those Aikido take downs that he failed to learn in the beginning, some unnecessary and poorly placed acrobatics but all in all fun scenes. But then when they finally have something going for them they make the scene last way too long and in the end you root for the bad guys when they finally overwhelm the Guyver and… KILL HIM? Hellyeah!

vlcsnap-2013-03-29-00h52m47s185And that’s all she wrote. At least he can hope, right?

I guess this is the end? Nope... Misky wakes up in the chambers of Cronos Corp. and the evil  and the old man, director of the Kronos Corp is touching her. This is disturbing. He then shows her a few things, mostly Zoanoids, genetically altered human beings in tubes. She seems too stupid to understand any of that.

Aliens

She’s a keeper, that one!

He envisions Zoanoids ruling the world, Zoltoid in the white house and such (Obama anyone?). He demands information on Guyver and then starts touching her once again. She tries to run but he takes her to Dr. East who is strangely the same person as Dr. West (from Re-Animator). She spots Hammil in one of those tubes and starts crying.They try to blackmail her in revealing the secret to activating Guyver right there but she kicks the old pervert in the nuts, grabs the Guyver (in it’s portable form ofc) and starts running away. Some comical scenes ensue and one of the mosters swalows the Guyver. Evil director is loosing his mind again but Guyver comes out… now fully grown and regenerated- he freakin’ regenerated the whole human being! How that human being fit into the stomach of that monster we will never know…  Two of them set free Max (Hammil) and then we have some Road Runner/ Wile E Coyote runing scenes spliced with a bit more Guyver on Monsters action. Guyver finally defeats the whole Ziltoid gang but Hammil ends up turning into one himself. Just think about it, you get Star Wars alumni for your SF/ Action flick, you give him supporting rule and then you turn him into a freakin’ talking bug.., that dies immediately after transformation.

No, you are not stoned, Mark Hammil did in fact turn into a giant bug!

Their mourning is interrupted by the evil director aka  ZOALORD and after demanding Guyver armor one more time he decides to take it himself… BY TURNING INTO A GIANT RED DINOSAUR/ SPIDER HYBRID! Now this confrontation could theoretically be exciting but it mostly happens off camera because of the budget limits and it ends as B- Movies always end, with a really big explosion (those at least are not expensive. Minsky and Sean look at one another, he takes off the Guyver armor and in the process ends up butt naked. Japanese girl seems overjoyed by that*. They walk into the “sunset” but then we see two shadowy figures in the background. Those turn out to be the corrupt cop (from the beginning) and Jar- Jar Binks Rapper (why, oh why is this man still alive?). Cop decides to give a little jab to Jar- Jar and he seems exhilarated by that fact- possibly ’cause he’ll have opportunity to spill a bit more of his lame rhymes while torturing somebody. Than the move thankfully ends. Whoa, this was a hard one- I can honestly say that we barely made it.

vlcsnap-2013-03-29-01h26m40s15

Happy ending?

Verdict: First problem of this movie I already pointed out and that’s sub- par costumes. But just as big the problem is the main character. You should root for the hero but this  guy, this guy you want to see dead, possibly by decapitation. Good news-  of course that actually happens during this movie (unfortunately it doesn’t stay that way). This is what happens when American’s try their hand in adaptation of manga/anime 20 years before the effects for doing so were available!

Live action Guyver with it’s bloody and crazy fights scenes could have been a cool flick but this just looks like a adaptation of Power Rangers with just one Ranger and fifth of the budget! Better waste your time on the original manga/ anime, it’s leaps and bounds above this monstrosity.

Trivia: Director of this movie Steve Wang actually did end up working on Power Rangers: The Movie 4 years later.  Producers hired him due to being the only American experienced in making this type of movies but after he started suggesting various ways to “make film better” they quickly changed their minds and fired him.

The Saxman aka The Revenger (1989)

Posted: 23/05/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , ,
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Frank Zagarino is The Saxman! This is what you get when you combine jazz and martial arts. Now, who would come to such idea? No one else than Cedric Sundstrom, the director of equally terrible American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt and American Ninja 4: The Annihilation. And who would accept the challenge of producing such thing? Well, none else than AIP , of course, which is production house owned by Prior brothers.

The first thing we see in this movie is half-naked Zagarino, doing some exercise.  He is Michael Keller, the saxman who serves a jail time. Michael is sitting on bed in his cell, trying to remember when was the last time he played sax. Someone may think that man in Mike’s position should have a bit more important things on his mind, but not and Cedric. Anyway, flashback sends us back for  3 years, into one nightclub, where Mike is playing smooth jazz on his sax. His old buddy Mackie (played by Arnold Vosloo) approaches him after the gig. He asks for a favor from sax player. Mackie needs Mike to drive him on a date. But it turns out that it was just a cover up. Mackie forces Mike at gunpoint to drive him to mob boss Jack Fisher (played by Oliver Reed), in order to deliver him  500000$ and snuff-porn films. But they enter police chasing, which ended up in Mackie been gunned down and Mike arrested for running over a cop. He gets sentenced to 5 years in state prison, with the possibility of  letting him under parole after 3 years. And all of that had happened 3 exactly years ago so Mike gets free.

UntitledGood times!

Now he is back at his fiance Lisa (played by Nancy Mulford). They have much to talk about, eventually ending up in argue. To get things smooth Lisa invites him to sex. But instead of accepting sex invitation, Mike goes to toilet in order to play a sax while sitting on toilet seat. I guess those are the consequences of prison life. Tho, he did accept second invitation and there we have sex scene.  But, scene of a man making gentle love with his beloved fiancee has been interrupted by scene of filming porn movie!!! What a twist!!! From softcore to hardcore! And not just the any hardcore. No, in this hardcore a Rambo look alike takes the knife in a middle of sex scene, wanting to kill his partner. So, this is sick hardcore! Thankfully, police raid had busted in, thus interrupting this sick act of having sex-murder.

UntitledRambo quits fighting  and starts his porn career!

 The producent of this snuff film is Tyron Richardson (played by Sean Taylor), one of the Jack Fisher’s men. Instead of reading him his rights, which is tradition at any normal arrest, Detective Marsh (played by Norman Anstey) said to Tyron: “I’ve been wanting your ass for a long time.” Could this mean their future cooperation in making some sort of homosexual snuff film? Only time will tell.

UntitledTyron, Tyron, I’ve been wanting your ass for a long time!

Fisher and his men believe that Mike still has their missing money so he  kidnaps Lisa. Mike decides to call upon his old Vietnam friend Harry Crawford (played by Jeff Celentano), to help him rescue his beloved fiancee. As it always happens Mike Keller turns out to be an ex-Marine.  This movie is boring and full of cliches so I’ll make this short.  In rest of the movie we are treated with numerous cliches like : Saving Lisa (which they did pretty fast), Fisher raping Zags’ fiancee for entire 3 seconds (after several previous unsuccessful attempts to get erection – keep in mind that he is old) almost getting heart attack while doing that, Zagarino falling through tent into toys, crippled man miraculously walking again, finding porn makers hideout in 5 seconds, wooden leg of one of Fisher’s man, shooting porn actress, corrupted cop, Fisher’s nervous breakdown after his bitch got killed, house set on fire….

UntitledOld wood heats best!

Conclusion: This film is a boring, dumb, cheap, below average action movie. Also, very predictable, you always know what will happen next.  Oliver Reed gives decent performance here, even in his career descend period, thus stealing the movie from Zagarino (which again isn’t that hard).  If you are bored, and have a lot of free time and bag of popcorns, this movie is a good choice for passing time. And nothing else.

STARBARIANS (2012/ 13)

Posted: 02/05/2013 in Worse News
Tags: , , ,
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While we close off our (extremely successful dare I say) Barbarian Month on WM I would like to present you one of my personal favorites. An  animated show by brilliant Harry Patridge (aka Happy Harry)who ingeniously combined Space Opera and Sword and Sorcery genres with his off beat humor to produce something that has authentic 80es Animated Show look and all the brutal carnage you can take.

I PRESENT YOU KILGAR AND HOGSTRONG- STARBARIANS!

Episode 1

Episode 1,5

Ator The Fighting Eagle aka Ator The Blade Master aka Ator l’invincibile (1982)

Posted: 29/04/2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,
4

Kingdom of the spiders shall last 1000 years, and people shall suffer 1000 years, for it is written. And this time shall be known as the Age of Darkness and  the shadow of the spider shall be the law. Indeed, the people shall pay tribute to the word of the master and live in bondage in the valley of the shadows,  even to very mists of a volcano that sleeps above. When 1000 years is done a man will come to promise different way and he shall be named Toran and many  will believe and many will be prosecuted. The sign of Toran will bare witness to the legend, but Toran will fail. For the wrath of the Spider King is mighty  indeed. People of the valley shall weep, for there is no hope, for it is also written that the Spider King will reign until the day the mountain speaks forth in anger. Then out of the darkness prophecy relives, for Toran casts the seed upon the wind, and even in death to hymn his born a son. That’s pretty much it.

The son of Toran is born on stormy night, in a small village. We see woman holding a baby with rather large head, being quite upset. On the other side of  village, in a shack, a lone man wakes up. Saying nothing else than “It is done”, he gets up and leaves the shack. Then, we see golden black man, playing with  his spiders. Yes, that’s right. He is no one else than the High Priest of the Spider (played by Dakkar). Word travels fast across the land, and the news  about arrival of son of Toran have reached to Spider King. Obviously shaken by such news he announces to his servants that child must die, before he reaches  manhood. Sounds familiar?

The child must die

The child must die!!!

The man from the shack comes named Griba (played by Edmund Purdom) to take the new born baby from her mother, and she gives her son to him without either of  them saying a word. That’s what I call motherhood! Anyway, Griba manages to take baby far away, just moments before men of High Priest of the Spider came to  village, slaughtering everyone in their way. But he couldn’t keep the baby for himself, so he decides to give him to young, but poor couple from another  village, with promise that, for their effort, they will receive provisions, armor and hunting weapons.

Transaction complete

Transaction complete!

Many years later, baby has grown up into Ator (played by Miles O’Keeffe), the greatest gay icon of his time. He is in the field, playing with his sister  Sunya (or at least he thinks she is his sister). Ator and Sunya (played by Ritza Brown) are apparently in love (?!). Ator fails to understand the fact that  he can’t marry Sunya (what about incest being sick?). They’ve had a short discussion after which Ator decides to visit his father, in order to ask for a hand  of his sister!!! Funny things is that everyone in the village looks exactly the same like 20 years ago, including his parents, who haven’t aged even for a  day. Now, back to marriage proposing. In normal and traditional occasions, every sane father would kick out such sick and twisted suitor. But no! When Ator popped the question, after previously explaining the situation, his father and future father-in-law (that happens too), replied to him “Ator, you don’t know  how really happy you made me” (!!!), after which he started explaining to his adopted son events from the beginning of this review. So basically, general  happiness in the village, preparations for the wedding, Ator wearing a girly boots while being happy that he will become his own brother-in-law, etc… But,  as it always happens, right before the wedding started, evil High Priest of the Spider attacked village, in orgies of blood and intestines… It seems that  professional soldiers are no match for peasants armed with rakes and pitchforks… Still, soldiers outnumbered peasants, ending up with many casualties on  both sides, and village torched to the ground… Oh yeah, they kidnapped Sunya, and during that act we could clearly see genuine medieval panties.

Medieval panties

Genuine medieval panties.

After leaving the village, Ator encounters Griba, who tells him about prophecy according to which Ator will end tyranny of Spider King. Griba takes Ator under  his command, and starts training him in swords fight and karate (?), providing our hero with the armor and swords. During one of their trainings, Ator helped  lady in distress (what a gentleman), who was attacked by some bandits. No, in this movie she didn’t thank him by allowing him to harvest the fruits of her  loins, so they departed. Anyway, without any previous explanation, Ator goes to some random cave where he finds The Mighty Sword of Might aka Toran’s sword.

Mighty sword of might

Mighty sword of might!

During hunt in a forest, Ator gets captured by Amazon women warriors (not again!). And not just by any Amazon woman, but by the girl he saved from bandits  couple of scenes ago. To get this short, after a speech consisted of shitload of more feministic bullshits, Amazon queen announces that her girls will fight  in tournament and the prize is content of Ator’s underpants. And not only that… The victor of competition will have the honor and the duty to be fertilized   by our muscular hero, thus bearing a child that will be future queen of all tribes. I wonder what they will do in case that child happens to be a male? Meh,  it’s best not to think about it. Anyway, as you have already guessed, victorious girl is the woman Ator saved from the bandits. And who captured him in  return. Her name is Roon (played by Sabrina Siani). Her orders are clear: spend the night with Ator, get plowed and fertilized, and kill him in the morning  (black widow syndrome; or is it mantis). But when Roon heard about his kidnapped love and his intentions to desecrate the Temple of the spider, she got  softened and decided to join him. For that goal, they needed to get away from Amazon village. There is one more problem. Toran’s sword is being held in the  center of village and guarded by Amazon warriors. So they sent a bear, who was Ator’s gift to Sunya (I should have probably mentioned that earlier), to do  their dirty job. How brave… Distraction was successful, they’ve got the sword and escaped the village.

Fertilizing

Fertilizing time!

Somewhere along the way, Roon got trapped after following mysterious deer of mystery, which lured Amazon girl into cave and then ridiculously disappeared. On  the other side, Ator encounters evil sorceress, after following the image of Sunya. Evil sorceress shows him a vision where Sunya is now with the High Priest  of the Spider (once she went black, she never came back), seduces him, and right when he was about to heat her oven, Roon rescues him, by shooting an arrow  into sorceress’ mirror, thus making her look like a hideous monster. Seems to me like another rip-off, this time of Odyssey. Since our heroes got reunited at evil sorceress, they choose to get some rest at a local inn. Only thing worth of mentioning there is a fat inn keeper girl  (played by Chandra Vazzoler), who serves the bean and shows her tits.

Mystery deer of mystery

Now Ator and Roon are in the other cave, surrounded by blind blacksmiths and blind warriors. No one is attacking them so they proceed deeper in the cave  where Ator finds mighty shield of might. He fights with his shadow, takes the shield and, on his way out, he heroically kills blind people. Such a bravery!  True warrior indeed!

Fight with the shadow

Shadow-warrior

Grand finale takes the place inside Temple of the Spider. Ator and Roon are outnumbered by black knights, but they eventually kill every single one. Just to  mention that the scenes of swords fighting aren’t worth mentioning. Only High Priest of the Spider has left. Fight between him and Ator lasts for some time,  but it ends up with High Priest of the Spider seeing his own reflection in the mighty shield of might, which makes him explode (???). Now the only thing left  to do is to save Sunya, who is trapped in giant spider web made of ropes. But it’s not that easy. Ator there finds Griba, who reveals to him that he was just  using our hero in order to become the next High Priest of the Spider! What a twist! I bet you didn’t expect that. Anyway, after a short fight, Ator pushes  Griba into ropes (sorry, i mean spider web), frees Sunya and both of them hit the road. But it turns out that Griba wasn’t enough meal for Spider King, so  the giant spider (which can be barely seen) went outside to pursue gay Ator. There, Ator uses a Sunlight reflection of his mighty shield of might in order to  distract Spider King, come closer, and cuts him with the mighty sword of might, thus ending his reign. End of Spider King tyranny is represented with archive  footage from Animal Survival show.

You blew up!

Conclusion: This is, by the far, the worst Conan of Barbarian rip-off!!! Poor casting, terrible acting, awful scenes of fight, low budget, ugly women, Miles  O’Keeffe being even more gay than in Sword of the Valiant, static camera, boring and repeating choreography… The fact is, women do like Miles, but Miles  doesn’t like them… It would be much better for everyone that writer and director of this calamity David Hills, should have stick to making porn movies as did in following years. Also, don’t miss pathetic ending scene. It’s to throw up your life.
In short: This movie shall last 90 minutes, and its viewers shall suffer 90 minutes,  for it is directed.

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