Forced Vengeance (1982)

Posted: 31/12/2013 in Trash movies
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Never change a winning team. That rule obviously was a guiding star for good (and not very bright) people from MGM. So they paired up themselves once again  with sure-to-be-success Chuck Norris. I don’t know if this was success but I do know that this movie is one of the most idiotic and illogical craps MGM ever  made. With shitloads of decent action. Well, I am sorry, but decent action alone, even when performed by Chuck Norris, is just not merely enough.

As intro, we see a giant neon sign (I don’t know what it says since it has Chinese letters on it) in front of which several silhouettes are showing their  martial arts skills. That lasts for about 2 minutes, giving you some time to prepare for incoming brain raping. Brain raping starts with Chuck Norris  monologue about his comeback to Los Angeles. He doesn’t seem to be happy about that. Anyway, he parks his car in front of some big mansion. His name is Josh  Randall and he works as a security guard in David Paschal’s casino. And sometimes he takes part-time job as debts collector. Like now, for example. So, when  owner of that mansion refuses to pay his debt to Randall’s boss things turn to be ugly. Randall beats the hell out of every single bodyguard in mansion,  occasionally cracking out unfunny remarks and collects the money eventually. Nothing unpredictable when Chuck Norris is about.

Job is over and it is time for Randall to go back home. On his flight back to Hong Kong we learn from his monologue and visions of the past that he is orphan adopted by Chinese Jewish family. I must admit I have some difficulties picturing that even with Randall’s vision of his Chinese father dressed as Rabin. Oh  well. After giving debt money to his boss David Paschal (played by Frank Michael Liu) Chuck returns to his regular duties in casino which include sending  home thieve black jack dealer without his pants! And putting an end on attempt of casino vault robbery, but that is not much important. Between undressing  disobedient employees and stopping a robberies Chuck likes to relax on his boat-house with his girlfriend. What can I say, the man got it all. Or at least he  had it until the moment when Sam Paschal (played by David Opatoshu), a man who employed him and to who Randall is very loyal, decided to refuse business  offer from certain Mr Stan Raimondi (played by Michael Cavanaugh). Nothing strange considering Raimondi’s power of persuasion. “Expand or die”, he said to  Sam. It is hardly to believe that anyone sane would accept business offer described in such way. But tricky part is that Sam’s son David has led casino to  bankruptcy with illegal gambling and betting. And he owes a big one to Raimondi. So it is casinos war. I don’t know how it is possible since casinos aren’t  even allowed in Hong Kong. All of that resulted in Raimondi having killed David and Sam. Randall found their bodies and displayed Chuck Norris style  emotions.

EmotionsStone cold

Randall decides to protect Sam’s daughter who is third co-owner of Lucky Dragon casino. Her name is Joy Pashcal (played by Camila Griggs). Don’t miss the  scene where he comes to take her and meets his own gay version (played by Richard Norton). I don’t know what was James Fargo’s (director) idea since that was  the only scene where Richard Norton shows up. Maybe he wanted to see how Chuck Norris would look like in underpants? Who would know? Anyway, Randall takes  Joy to his boat-house. His girlfriend Claire (played by Mary Louise Weller) seems to didn’t like that idea a bit. Quite understanding since Joy is pretty hot. Well, she’ll have to live with it (or her, for that matter). As soon as Randall got to boat he got arrested under suspicion of killing David and Sam. Of  course, one phone call and he is back on the street. Epilogue of that is Inspector Kek (played by Jimmy Shaw) got beaten up by Randall. So much about no one  being above the law. Being unwilling to risk someone sinking his boat-house Chuck decides to hide two ladies in a hotel room. It turns out that it wasn’t  smartest idea to do since thugs have found them a moment they stepped in. Chuck shoots his way through (yeah shoots; you can’t see many movies where Chuck is  using firearms) incoming waves of hired scum. Eventually, he hides Joy and Claire at his friend LeRoy Nicely’s (played by Bob Minor) house (that looks more  like budoar to me, with it’s naked Asian chicks and such). Leroy is also Chuck’s ex-army buddy. You can’t go wrong with ex-veterans.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x192w5t

It turned out that it wasn’t smart idea either (WRONG AGAIN CHUCKY!). You see, while Randall was out burning homosexuals alive (true story) and interrogating  old man and hookers, Raimondi’s men found ladies’ hideout. LeRoy tried to defend them but did a pretty lame job even armed with machine gun. Randall  discovers that main villain is actually Stan Raimondi’s father Simon Koo. He was planning to make a new Las Vegas out of Hong Kong and Paschal family was  standing on his way. Well, I hope that info was worth enough to Chuck since, when he came back to LeRoy’s place, he found Claire’s raped corpse (although we  can clearly see she is breathing), Joy kidnapped and his friend lying on his deathbed. Randall tried to comfort him with words “You’ll be alright man”  despite the fact that poor LeRoy had so many holes in him that he could barely breath. And yeah, Chuck displayed the same amount of emotions as when he had  found Sam’s corpse.

GayburningHot boys

So basically this turn out to be avenging movie. Randall wasn’t so pissed off when they killed Sam and David. He gets really pissed off only when someone is  picking on his hat. And raping his girlfriend just adds an oil to fire. Now, at this point, we all know what we can expect from this movie so I am going to  keep it short. Randall takes on his military uniform and goes into killing frenzy. Firearms and martial arts – Chuck combines it all. It didn’t took him  long to arrive to Stan Raimondi’s yacht and killing his goons. Raimondi engages in fight with Randall (which wasn’t very well choreographed, just to add),  manages to disarm his opponent with a rusty hook and meets his end when Chuck kicks him off the yacht. How? Well, one of the yacht ropes got around his neck  so he ended up hanging from one side of his yacht. And even that haven’t been filmed properly since we could clearly see harness while Raimondi was hung by  the neck. Such things tend to ruin your sense of reality while watching movie.

For great finale Randall goes to Simon’s mansion on a small island, killing everyone on his way. There we can see another goof of this movie. Just 30 seconds  after harness scene, Randall takes out one man, then throws his knife and hits the stomach of a second man. The thread the knife travels on to that man can  be seen and then it even can be seen breaking as the man falls. I really hope someone got banned from filming because of all this “little” mistakes. Anyway,  let’s get done with this movie already. Randall finds Simon Koo (played by Peter Gee). He is weak, 200 years old, wheel chaired old man. After short  conversation Chuck decides to spare his life (he has big heart). But on his way out Randall gets his portion of blood he came for. Raimondi’s personal  bodyguard, the one who raped and killed Claire, attacked him. A bit of fighting, martial arts, silly combat, Chuck’s awesomeness and bodyguard ended up with  sharp glass impaled in his throat. Joy has been saved, Simon gets committed to mental institution for his crimes (some law they have there), another Chuck’s  monologue about Hong Kong, ending, credits and me being robbed of 90 minutes of my life.

Don't be fooled. This sweet old man is evil!Don’t be fooled! This sweet old man is evil!

Conclusion: This movie has very amateurish filming (so many goofs), awfully stupid dialogs and weak weak weak weak acting. If there were any script at all it seems that actors didn’t even bother to read it. Dialogs, same as the acting, seems to came as the movie went along. In some moments it gets unintentionally  funny, which is making, otherwise beautiful, surroundings to look shameful. Chuck’s inability to show any range of emotions stronger than plain bronze statue would have shown on his place is something that, I believe, we all got used to long time ago. But what about other actors? What is their excuse? Ending is  laughable at best. Seriously, I strongly recommend you to avoid watching this movie. And if someone forces you to watch it then you will have full right to apply FORCED VENGEANCE!

Spookies (1986)

Posted: 24/12/2013 in Trash movies
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Nothing is ever simple. Especially in the world of B- movie making. See Spookies for example. Movie started it’s life as Twisted Souls and was shot in the summer of 1984.Directing credits were sharedby  Brendan Faulkner and Thomas Doran. Now it gets weird. Some legal issues between the producers prevented final post production work from being completed and thus Twisted Souls died a slow death… Only to be RESURRECTED a year later when one of the producers hired Eugenie Joseph to direct more footage which combined with the original Twisted Souls footage became Spookies.

So the original storyline (teenagers take a wrong turn and arrive at the hunted mansion) was inter-weaved with a much older cast, crazed ancient magician trying to revive his bride and (like that’s not enought) bizzare scene of a boy looking for his birthday party (and finding DEATH instead), also- the mysterious Cat- Man that appears on and off throughout the movie seemingly serving to purpose at all.

So if you’re confused by some of the beats of the storyline, don’t worry- we are too.

Movie opens with idiotic looking boy is playing in the woods in the middle of the night for some reason. He then runs into a suspicious bearded fellow (probably a convicted rapist). After chatting for a bit the rapist leaves him be (boy is too ugly even for him) and mere seconds later gets mauled to death by the CAT-MAN! Then we cut to the Dr.Frankenstein like old man with computerized voice and German accent. He is a powerful magician Kroan looking at a (somehow) perfectly preserved corpse of his love and vows that he will bring her back to life after 75 years.

Then the camera abruptly cuts to couple of “teenagers” consisting of Italian wannabe badass, his whore girlfriend and the funny-guy. I sincerely hope to see them all dead in a mater of seconds but I’m just not that lucky. Billy is extremely happy to find some presents waiting for him in his home but he founds out that not all surprises are good surprises….

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x18tcea

At least Billy’s agonies are over now.

At that point teenaged and some strange grown up couples arrive at the mansion all at the same time. Despite obvious dislike for one another two groups bond over some old school Ouija board, unfortunately that doesn’t turn out to be best way to have fun either. They ask some questions that they don’t want answered like “will we leave this house alive” and soon enough the woman with 80’s hairdo turns into some kind of magically powered zombie creature that goes after the rest of them (that zombie was the original evil mastermind in the first incarnation of the film as Magician didn’t exist). Next thing you know about a million zombies come out of their graves and surround the mansion and things start looking surprisingly grim for our marry little group.

Spookies 1986.mp4_001523600This look is actually an improvement for her!

Also the wizard Kreon menages to bring back his bride to life (just like that).I thought we needed ton of human sacrifices and stuff… it seems not. Anyway to his surprise him bride finally awake after 70 years- want’s only to be left alone and go back to being dead. Evil scientist aka Magician doesn’t seem pleased with that at all. Couples scatter and Italian dude and his ugly girlfriend decide to make out in this dire situation in some creepy- ass cellar. It goes well as any making out business in Horror movies because they get interrupted by some FARTING MUMMIES!!! No, we did not make this up. They also menage to kill them by pouring a really old wine over them- true story.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x18tbu2

Classy European lady is abusing her husband just to find him dead. If that wasn’t enough she also gets attacked by a small goblin-like creature all the while Cat- Man enjoys the show watching it vicariously. Anyway the surviving members do manage to meet up again but it all ends up in an all out brawl  between the Italian and the elderly businessman. I would call that the most ridiculous thing in this movie but man there’s just too many candidates.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x18tc97

The unhappy bride menages to escape raging Kroan. Some more zombies emerge (man, this mansion sure has a nice graveyard section) and unfunny comic relief somehow ends up fallowing the mysterious Chinese lady… unfortunately it turns out that she is in fact mysterious Chinese Spider Lady. She brutally murders them while the rest of the group faces the Grim Reaper (!!!) that they awoken with their fighting. They do menage to save themselves and defeat the reaper by throwing him off the room and he detonates like a small atom bomb.

05That’s what you get for following a Chinese Spider Lady!

Next up the surviving members face a octopus- like creature with (horribly animated) electric tentacles and that would be the end of them if not for the Bride who finally kills Kroan by stabbing him in the forehead.That still doesn’t stop the zombie force and they keep chasing her all through the woods with a synthesizer beat that sounds like a straight lift from Michael Jackson’s Thriller. She finally sees the car at the end of the woods and desperately rushes inside. The driver menages to get past (or thru) all the zombies and she is finally free! only NOT- because the driver is in fact the mysterious Cat- Man!!! She screams. The End

In the mist of all the poor editing and spliced footage that doesn’t really work together this movie is envisioned as a Horror Comedy with a great emphasis on monster effects. Unfortunately effects are often quite pathetic , comical moments are nothing short of sad and horror bits are the real comedy here.

So, to sum it up for you nicely, the only truly good thing about this movie is a badass poster by legendary comicbook artist and illustrator Richard Corben- if movie was even half as captivating as his work we would really have something on our hands, unfortunately that is not the case.

spookies_poster_01

PS If you got this far and you’re still not convinced that this is NOT a movie for you- well you can might as well give it a shot, there’s full movie over here.

Worse News: Gorcina Osvete Trailer!

Posted: 19/12/2013 in Trash movies, Worse News
Tags: , , , , , , ,
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As you may or may not know Hong Kong wasn’t the first to unveil a statue of legendary Martial Artist and actor Bruce Lee. That honor have the Bosnians, they unveiled it November 26, 2005, in the city of Mostar, more precisely-it’s park “Zrinjski”. Among the guest were ambassadors of China and Germany, members of a local Wushu Kung Fu club and even K-1 heavyweight champion and former Pride and UFC fighter Mirko “CroCop” Filipovic.“We will always be Muslims, Serbs or Croats” said Veselin Gatalo (Urban Movement Mostar) “But one thing we all have in common is Bruce Lee.” Touching isn’t it?

image1075802x

So after all of this it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Bosnians were inspired to try their own hand at making a Kung Fu masterpiece. In the end all you really need is the right actor, good choreographer and some crazy stunt people to make it all work. So, does it really work you ask? Well, it’s one of those “better luck next time” kinda things- but it’s fun as hell! You can enjoy the trailer for the first (hopefully of the many) Bosnian low budget Kung Fu flicks right here and see Master Sadik Karahasanovic punch and kick his way into Martial Arts cinema history!

Man, it even looks like it was shot in the 70’s!

PS: If you liked this you should definitely check out the Bosnian Rambo, dude is a killer!

C.H.U.D. (1984)

Posted: 12/12/2013 in Trash movies
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ConfidentialTOP SECRET!!!

AT the risk of being hated (even more) I am writing and publishing this review. I am well aware of fact that for most of you horror fans out there C.H.U.D  is one of the best B-horrors ever, but I simply can’t ignore how much boring, unscary and cheesy this movie is. Sure, premise is not bad (sewer creatures  rising up in city of New York) but that’s pretty much it. Just a decent premise with a horrible, dull, and once again, cheesy (too cheesy even for cheesy  80s) realization.

Opening scene is, at the same, the best shot scene in this movie (though I can’t say it is great scene in general). An unescorted woman walks the dog in a  middle of night through dark back alley in a dangerous neighborhood (which is very reasonable thing for every woman to do) when suddenly something drags her  down into the sewer (and her dog too). A sewer lid gets closed and that is the sign for movie title “C.H.U.D” to pop-up. Real breathtaking beginning. So  naturally, the next scene takes us to some more relaxing place. Like an apartment. This apartment belongs to George Cooper (played by John Heard) a  photographer who sometimes gets hired by local reporter. At this time he has been hired to take a photos of nearby homeless people. The problem is that the  most of those people are missing. George lives with his ugly girlfriend and wannabe model Lauren (played by Kim Greist). She is getting ready for shooting a  perfume commercial and she is going to do it naked (not the smartest marketing strategy, considering her looks). And George is going to do shooting! Next is  round through police station where Captain Bosch (played by Cristopher Curry) is investigating missing persons. Truth to be told, he actually tries to put   those cases under rag. Bosch gets a call to come and interrogate homeless woman who tried to steal a gun from a police officer. She refuses to speak and uses her only phone call to call George while he was on shooting session. An devastating ugly woman police officer Sanderson (played by Cordis Heard) gives to  Bosch another missing persons report. Report has been filled by Sheppard – an old acquaintance of Bosch. Sheppard, now known as The Reverend (played by Daniel Stern), runs soup-kitchen where all of homeless people are going to eat. Apparently most of them live underground, in a sewer system. Problem is that over 10 of his regular guests have been missing in last two weeks. But not only homeless people are going missing. Remember the naive woman from the beginning of the movie? Well, she turns out to be Bosch’s wife Flora (played by Laure Mattos). HA! Now we have personal motive too. On the top of it, Bosch gets to listen to mad homeless man preaching about mysterious, powerful, underground beings. Meanwhile, homeless woman Mrs. Monroe (played by Ruth Maleczech) takes George to her underground dwelling to show him why she tried to steal a gun. Something attacked her brother Victor (played by William Joseph Raymond) and inflicted him some nasty, disgusting injuries. George seemed to be much more interested in moaning about low living conditions than in actual mysterious attack.

When it heals there will be cool scarWhen it heals it will be cool scar.

Back to Bosch. Him and Reverend also went down the gutter. Reverend told him a story about how he finds many things labeled “NRC” (Nuclear Regulatory Commission) down there. So, they start exploring sewers using a toy Geiger counter. But besides high level of radiation they didn’t find anything  interesting. Now back again to George and Lauren (funny thing is how movie shuffles scenes between these 4 persons only for more than 30 minutes). Ugly Laure tells to George that she is pregnant and not sure whether she should give a birth to that kid (considering her looks and George’s intelligence I say that  there is a lot of room for doubt). And while they were arguing in safety of their apartment, something outside took an old man from phone booth and ate him! But it left alive a little girl who was with old man. I guess it didn’t want dessert.

And that would be...somethingAnd that would be…something

Girl somehow reported this. I don’t see how since she is only 8 years old and she has just seen monster ate her grandfather. But to director Douglas Cheek,  state of shock in such situation didn’t seem to be reasonable thing to happen. So ok, little girl calmly reported everything to police. That was the last  drop for Captain Bosch, who obviously knows more about this than he has told. So, with both pictures and Geiger counter him and Reverend went to confront NRC commissioners and NRC representative Wilson (played by George Martin). After hard conversation, many denials and Reverend whose gone nuts Wilson finally  reveals that they are hiding nuclear waste under the streets because they weren’t able to transport it further due to environmental agency ban. Also, he  reveals an existence of C.H.U.D, which stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. I guess it is some kind of mutated homeless man (it sure looks  homeless). And that is exactly what Wilson thinks. And the news of finding a dead C.H.U.D. have reached him. After autopsy  of C.H.U.D. was over Wilson decides to clean up things in sewer, convinced that this was the only C.H.U.D. that existed. Bosch doesn’t share his opinion so he sends several men armed  with flamethrowers to clear up the way for Wilson’s men. But another C.H.U.D. kills them all which is represented with breaking a camera signal. Yeah, the  budget was too cheap to show us much of the monsters. Wilson now shows full potential of his dementia. He plans to let a gas through entire sewer system and  then blow up entire sector of the city. And not only that. Wilson looks like an evil version of Walt Disney (though I am not sure that there is any other  version of Walt Disney) and acts like Hitler. I am not sure if combination of Disney’s looks and Hitler’s attitude in one character is just a coincidence or  director’s attempt to send a message.

The man with attitudeThe man with attitude!

Everybody to the sewers!!! Full scale invasion!!! On one side there are George and investigation reporter Murphy (played by J. C. Quinn). Actually, Murphy  was hanging around from the very beginning of the movie but I didn’t find his role important enough to mention him earlier in this review. I see that  director Douglas Cheek shares my opinion since Murphy got disemboweled and eaten just few moments after he stepped into sewers. Well, no Pulitzer prize for  him it seems. On the other side of sewers, Reverend and insane homeless man Val (played by Graham Beckel) discovered a bunch of C.H.U.D.s eating toxic waste. Val meets the same fate as Murphy. At least one mouth less to feed. And someone locked up the Reverend in sewers. On the surface Bosch finally finds his  missing wife Flora. Well, at least what is left of her.

Consider this a divorceConsider this a divorce!

It seems that what Bosch’s was feared off has come true. Driven by gas mutants started emerging on the surface and attacking people. In one of the most  ridiculous scenes ever Lauren, while she was under shower, gets abortion procedure performed by C.H.U.D.!!! If nothing else at least it ended her dilemma  whether she should continue or abort her pregnancy. George will be pissed off when he finds out but, for now, him and Reverend got reunited underground.  There they stumbled upon a shitload of toxic waste boxes. It turns out that C.H.U.D. doesn’t stand for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller. No, it  actually stands for Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal. So, Wilson was throwing toxic waste under New York for quite some time. Years, if you prefer. Which  made every of those poor homeless people go mutant. Mutants that looks like a vampires. Well, I lost it here. Anyway, while both of them are stunned by this  discover, Lauren fights against invasion of mutants with her katana!!! Man, this movie has everything!!!

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x18c37b_off-with-his-head

Off with his head!

Wilson went completely insane!!! Situation is no more under his control and he can’t risk publicity. He trapped a lot of homeless people underground in order to blow them up all together with mutants and toxic waste. I guess he wanted to solve problems of poverty, threatening menace, environmental danger and his  ass being exposed with one blow. Though, I can’t say that blowing up one part of the city can be considered as a discrete disposing of evidences. So, in his  rampage, he shoots the cop, attacks Bosch, kicks Murphy’s head and beat the homeless people. Eventually, he dies in explosion of his van. And his van had  exploded because it’s front wheel fell into open sewer hatch. The end and complete, utter crap!

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x18c3dq_chud-1984_fun

Conclusion: When I asked my father if he remembers C.H.U.D. he said that in time when this movie was released he was lying in hospital due to broken leg. I  felt envy. Broken leg is much better than watching this incredibly dull and boring piece of crap. I really don’t know why this movie is so respected among  horror fans. Premise sounds interesting but, basically, it is bad concept rip-off of Alligator (1980). Entire movie relies on poor attempts (as poor as those unlucky homeless people) to shock and scary us, jumping from effect to effect, not tying it at all, with rather incoherent plot. Characters are just pushed  into the plot through many of it’s holes. It feels like they are there just because of circumstances. For example, George has almost nothing to do with  actual story and his role here is forced. Director tried to make us to ignore that by putting the great John Heard (Home Alone) but his character here is  charmless and as much likeable as boil on your ass. And all of this gets mixed up with conspiracy and government’s garbage man. I am well aware of director’s cut and sequel but there is no way in hell that I am going to watch either of those in distant future.

Worse News: Steven Seagal’s FINAL OPTION (1994- 1999)

Posted: 09/12/2013 in Worse News
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Now, we all know that Mr. Seagal made his fair share of bad movies (you could easily fit his complete filmography between 2002- 2010 in that category and you wouldn’t be wrong) but this isn’t about that. It’s about something far more fascinating. You see, by the middle of the 90es Seagal contract with Warner Bros. was almost up and someone in the TekMagic company decided that the time was right for him to cross over to the new kind of media- video games!!!

Seagal gameOriginal preview of the game

Now, ludicrous as it sound, those were the days of action movies and fighting games so it kinda makes sense… a little bit. And then it all goes haywire! Caption was done by Karateka and teacher of women’s self- defense unable to replicate even one Seagal trademark move (Seagal is mostly known as a practitioner of Aikido, and has a 7 Dan black belt in the art). In fact Greg Goldsholl managed to replicate only Seagal’s trademark pony-tale and that’s where all likeness stops.That combined with the lousy controls, sub- par graphics (even for the 90es), and only 2 kinds of enemies (poor scientists and almost as poor Nanotech mercenaries).

Look at him go!

Seagal license did bring a lot of interest but game failed to meet it’s initial ’94 release date, was later moved  to PlayStation and N64 and renamed to even more Seagal-like title of Deadly Honor but again failed to come out in ’99  and was soon after officially pronounced dead. Here you have the opportunity to seem what could have been. First the official plot…

Steven Seagal is a legendary runner, but commanders dislike his loose style and contempt for rules. His partner Jack Fremen, was killed on their last mission. There is no evidence to support it, but many wonder if he might still be alive had Seagal followed orders.

Trish Morgan, another veteran runner, has been assigned his new partner. She’s tough as any but has the attitude that commanders look for.

Now, the rebels will attempt the ultimate mission: an assault on Nanotech’s main campus. High command nervous about Seagal. They know he’s out to avenge Freman’s death. But he’s the best chance they have.

He’s the only choice…

(If you still don’t get it- Seagal and SF don’t mix)

…and when you’re done you can enjoy some of the surviving gameplay footage. And don’t forget to enjoy Seagal’s hillarious screams of death- you sure won’t find that in any other medium he tackled!

PS There’s also an urban legend (at least partially true) that at some point Goldsholl run into Seagal on a Martial Arts seminar and after bragging that he played him in the video game he got his arm twisted and cried like a baby. So, I guess Seagal wasn’t a fan.

PSS You can now play the game prototype here thanks to PlayNesOnline: http://www.playsnesonline.com/play-steven-seagal-is-the-final-option-prototype-online/?play=true#ads1

Death Spa aka Witch Bitch (1989)

Posted: 29/11/2013 in Trash movies
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When I first time heard of this movie it immediately reminded me on Aerobicide. Unfortunately, unlike the previously mentioned jewel of AIP production (Prior brothers), Death Spa is not as funny and interesting but only much worse. Though, truth to be told, there are a lot of dumb, retarded, gay jocks and empty-headed bimbos in Death Spa as well.

The movie starts with the lighting striking gym’s neon sign “Starbody Health Spa” (possibly the worst name ever), after which remaining working letters  create “Death Spa”. Oooh that can’t be good. Inside the gym hottie Laura (played by Brenda Bakke) is dancing and cleaning windows with her ass. She is alone  there. Or is she? One of the trainers there, Marvin (played by horror movies veteran Ken Foree) approached and informed her that closing time is near and  Laura is the only one left. So she decides to take quick relaxing in sauna. Now, I forgot to mention that the whole facility is top-notch and completely  controlled by computer. But computers make mistake too. Poor Laura is about to discover that when she, by mischief, gets locked inside sauna and things start to get really hot inside. It seems that computer has been putting a lot of poison gas inside. With her last atoms of strength Laura manages to break a small  window on sauna’s doors.

Let off some steam, LauraLet off some steam, Laura!

Who might have done it? Apart Marvin, two more persons have been there. Owner of the club Michael (played by William Bumiller) and David (played by Merrit  Butrick) who is main programmer and Michael’s brother-in-law. Well, an ex brother-in-law since his sister and Michael’s wife is dead. This mystery will try  to solve funny Lt. Fletcher (played by Frank McCarthy) and his associate, lovely Sgt. Stone (played by Rosalind Cash). Following morning both of them are at  the club, going past the above mentioned gay jocks and dumb bimbos, interrogating both Michael and David afterwards. Meanwhile, accidents are just waiting to happen. Apparently, someone has been messing with diving board. Actually, someone got loose bolts on diving board which almost killed some girl who was  trying to jump into the pool. All of this seems to puts a lot of pressure onto Michael’s shoulders since he dreams about wheelchairs in flame almost every  night. I must admit that that detail got my attention…for about 5 seconds! WTH burning wheelchairs from hell has to do with health spa??? I guess I am  going to get an answer on that question. Though, I believe that an answer is not going to make much sense. Anyway, back to spa now. I notice that enormous
number of homosexuals with muscles is attending gym. Well, I hardly find it surprising. It was truth back then same as now days. Michael really freaks out when he finds a bird nest in his office. He runs to David accusing him of that sick joke. Why sick, I wonder? Hm it seems that it has something to do with his late wife. More accidents… First, the tiles from walls at shower-room started hitting a lot of hot, naked chicks. But they were enough lucky to go without injuries which can’t be said for some dude who got torn apart by chest press device. Investigators are furrowing their brows and probably suspecting a water boy. Meanwhile, Michael went to pick up his blinded girlfriend Laura from hospital and take her on some home cooked meal.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x17srbg_seducing-a-blind-girl-is-like-a-fishing-in-a-barrel_fun

Seducing a blind girl is like fishing in a barrel.

After another death (black chick gets impaled by one of the lockers in locker-room) Michael decides to hire a paranormal investigator. Great, now besides  mysterious murders we are also getting supernatural element in this movie. “Just throw it on a pile”, is what I guess director Michael Fischa had said. Now,  parapsychologist Dr. Lido Moray (played by Joseph Whipp) is a completely deranged and insane man. A total lunatic!!! And he has glowing stick which is  supposed to be some sort of ghost detector! And he uses it to demonstrate psychometri! HA! Ghostbusters, eat yourself!!!

This man scares meThis man scares me!

Later that evening, at the club, Linda gets a message from Michael in which he wants to meet with her in basement. He even had put a map of basement into  message. Happy about it she goes down to the basement searching for him. But Michael is at his home, dreaming about his dead wife calling him to spend  eternity with her. Nevertheless, Linda found something in the basement. Something evil! No, not a ghost. Just tube which showered her with an acid. Dr Moray  found her using his detector. And he had a close encounter with something unholy. I guess that is the dream of every parapsychologist. I can’t say if he died a happy man afterwards. What I can say is that he died a brutal, painful and humiliating death.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x17srck_bad-medicine_fun

Bad medicine

Time for great finale! A Mardi Gras party inside the gym. And that is where plot is going to make sense (at least to director and producers). Finally, I say  since that is over an hour after movie had started and we got no idea what is actually happening there. It turns out that the spirit of Michael’s late wife  Catherine (played by Sharri Shattuck) has taken control over the main computer and, furthermore, control over David through computer. And all because  Catherine was jealous on girls in the club instead of Laura only (it seems that our Michael is a player). So, the complete chaos and bloodshed is about to  start. A lot of dead, mutilated people. First one to die is a dude in a computer room. Next one is bartender chick killed by blender (?!), followed by death
of horny Lt. Fletcher who’s neck has been impaled by talking frozen eel (yeah, I know). Well, its not that he had somehow contributed to this case  anyway. The whole place is falling apart with guests locked inside. Many more bizarre deaths and gore, including demise of legendary Ken Foree. Eventually,  possessed David burned himself to death by holding electrical installations with his\her bare hands. Yeah, ghost burned himself to death. Now you know it is  possible. Very ending of the movie is very cheesy, showing us burned ghost still alive (“Finally, everything is ok. Or, is it?”). God, I hope no one will  make sequel.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x17srh2_some-party-to-remember_fun

Some party to remember

Conclusion: I resent the fact Death Spa being compared to Aerobicide, even in bad elements. This movie makes Aerobicide looks like it has no place on this  blog (and believe me, it has; both of those movies have been reviewed by yours truly). Death Spa is nothing but a 80 minutes of goofy dialogs (though, you  can’t really expect any interesting and intelligent dialogs between gay jocks and sluts), dumb special effects, and screenplay which is in same time cheesy,  incoherent (elements of supernatural, sabotaging, and demon possession have been chucked in this shitty-taste stew) and inconclusive (I already have mentioned “Or is it?” ending of the movie). Also, shameless adding a legend of horror flicks (Ken Foree) to crew just to boost the sale and then giving him a small part (not that Foree’s bigger part could have saved this disaster) can’t go unnoticed and unpunished. If this was an attempt of ripping off Aerobicide then Death Spa is the perfect example of what happens when you try to rip-off another bad ’80s slasher. In other words – DON’T DO IT!!!

No Retreat, No Surrender 3: Blood Brothers (1990)

Posted: 25/11/2013 in Trash movies, Worse News
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
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We already covered one of the “crown jewels” of Loren Avedon‘s career King of the Kickboxers but it’s time to take a closer look at the movie that propelled him to his short- lived B movie stardom. After launching his career with Corey Yuen’s “classic” “No Retreat No Surrender II” (remember- the first one introduced the world to the awesomeness of Van Damme and his incredible splits) he continued his rise thru the ranks with the sequel. Now, this sequel is mostly a sequel in name only- having completely different tone, and abandoning previous “Tournament”setting for more urban of a urban Kickboxing meets Spy Thriller style.

This dude cracks me up!

Films starts with a fitting quote from Mao Tse Tung of course fallowed by a terrorist action by bunch of ridiculous mustached idiots. Their plan comes undone when one of the hostages turns out to be CIA agent Casey Alexander, man whose kickboxing skills are only overshadowed only by his  over the top facial expressions (ala Erik Roberts). He kills the bad guys and gets the girl (there’s always a girl there somewhere). In the meantime his younger brother Willis beating up some noobs.It turns out those are his students and he is just “preparing them for the street”. I am always shocked and amazed by complete lack of charisma and acting ability by this man! Anyway he is called by his father on his birthday party/ family reunion and he reluctantly agrees.

No.Retreat.No.Surrender 3.1990.DVDRip.XviD BROTHERS BLOOD.avi_000147600Mao said it best…

He arrives at the birthday in an old Volkswagen Beetle and ripped up jeans with some Communist insignia. Hmm… I’m wondering if the Chinese director is trying to tell us something here. Anyways, kudos for sneaking in thing like that in something that is an American production. He then menages to get into an argument with his rich CIA brother and quickly leaves. After the party’s over a new party begins as the old man faces bunch of assassins who look like Ninja Bee Gees in his very home and he even menages to kill one of them.Unfortunately he menages to die by flying out of the window like a freakin’ cannonball in one of the many hilarious highlights of this movie. His killer is devious Franko, a man that can be best described as an albino mulleted mongoloid.

Avedon returns home but it’s already too late, his father’s carcass is floating in the family pool. He then has a dramatic, tearful scene with his older brother and I painfully realize that his Keith Vitally is just as terrible actor as Avedon himself, hell maybe even more so! Next thing we see is a funeral and the FBI brother who gets a tap on his back via one of his superiors with words like “he was my partner and my best friend”. We momentarily realize that this man was in fact responsible for the murder… yeah cliches galore in this one!

Avedon journeys to Hawaii to have his revenge and his brother tries to track him down (unfortunately it seems CIA didn’t train him enough cause he fails miserably). First thing Avedon does is find a local dojo and gets into the fight with the friends Martial Artist he has here (how convenient). After blowing some steam they use their prowess and also their acting skill to get Avedon into a gang that they suspect is responsible for the murder. The less said about the way they manage to do that- the better. He ends up being rapidly inducted into the gang with his first mission to… KILL HIS BROTHER! No, I am not making this shit up.

After a disastrous “fake” subduing of his brother, the boss finally figures thing out (he’s no the head of operation for nothing) and starts torturing the brothers and the random girl the older brother is having sex with when he’s in Hawaii (how convenient). After being electrocuted the devious plan of CIA agent and Albino dude is finally clear, they want to use Avedon to kidnap the Ambassador of Mozambique and make a diversion which they’ll later use to FUCKIN’ BLOW UP THE PRESIDENT WITH A BAZOOKAA! These men aren’t thinking small.

No.Retreat.No.Surrender 3.1990.DVDRip.XviD BROTHERS BLOOD.avi_004907800

Of course they have a hiccup in their plan and that’s older brother Casey freeing himself and threatening their whole plan. Then finally two brothers team up and put all the evil folks thru their Martial Art blender. It’s also fun to note that the Lowe, the director desperately tried to tone down his usual sensibilities and make fight scenes a bit more in American Karate/ Kicboxing style opposed to over the place Chinese Wire- Fu but it’s like he said “fuck it” in this last scene and went over… and out.

Notice the joyful death of Franko, the albino killer!

Verdict: Director Lucas Lo shows everything that was wrong in Hong Kong cinematography of the 80’s/ 90’s in one place. And Avedon- well he proves why he was never propelled to the stardom of his dreaded nemesis Jean Claude Van Damme.Trivia: Same director and lead actor had another team up not long after and that resulted in probably the most over the top Martial Arts film of all times- King of the Kickboxers. If you missed it- you enjoy the review here.

PS Loren is having a comeback of sorts these days acting in Frank Caruso’s vehicle Risk Factor and the movies seems like something you can watch straight after NR NS III without skipping a beat.

Kingdom of the Spiders (1977)

Posted: 14/11/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , ,
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I remember this scene like it was yesterday: Early evening, dark in my room…I am 6 or 7 years old. My younger brother and I are watching some wrestling  match on VHS (one year before I had discovered that wrestling is a scam). Suddenly, wrestling has been interrupted by scene of mysteriously cow death. That  looked intriguing to us so we watched entire thing. Over 20 years later, while I was with the rest of Worsemovies crew, this blast from the past stroke me  for unknown reasons. We did a bit of research, found out the name of the movie and decided to watch it (for your enjoyment only, not ours – believe me). So, here it goes.
As I already mentioned above, the movie starts with mysterious death of cow. Something attacked it from grass witch has been shown to us by ridiculous  zooming in cow’s snout followed by sinister synthesizer sounds in background. Next scene takes us to the other side of town, where local vet Robert “Rack”  Hansen (played by none other than Captain Kirk himself – William Shatner) and his sister-in-law Terry (played by Marcy Lafferty) are on horses pursuing a  bull in order to give him vaccine shot. It seems that Terry wanted a shot too (if you know what I mean), and she was close to it since Rack caught her with  lasso and both were on the ground a moment later. But she blew it by calling Rack by his late brother’s name. Unpleasant silence was interrupted by pager  message for Dr Hansen. He got emergency call from Colby farm. Reason is obvious – investigating a death of a cow. Next scene and Shatner is already at  Colby’s place. Walter Colby (played by Woody Strode) and his wife Birch (played by Altovise Davis) seems to be too much shaken because of death of cattle.  They think it might be some sort of virus. Shatner has his doubts too so he decides to send blood sample to Arizona entomology department.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x176z8j_i-guess-her-milking-days-are-over-yeeaaaaah

I guess her milking days are over. YEEAAAAH!

The test results came very next day, brought by entomologist Diane Ashley (played by Tiffany Bolling). As soon as they met old dog Shatner didn’t waste his  time and immediately tried to jump on her. Didn’t work out for him after first attempt since Dr Diane is supposed to be tough, smart, successful woman (but we  all know that such women exist only in movies). Instead of all that she is just rather annoying and makes you want to slap her. Anyway, she claims that cow  had died of spider venom, which Rack immediately disregarded as a complete nonsense. Well, I guess that they are not going to solve this today. So, Diane  rents a cabin at Emma Washburn (played by Lieux Dressler). Later that evening, while Diane was drinking at Emma’s bar, some old man tourist from Colorado  named Vern Johnson (played by Joe Ross) tried to pick her up right in front of his unsuspecting, naive, retarded wife Betty (played by Adele Malis). Vern  appears to be an inventor of revolutionary chemical toilet used on construction sites, but that fact didn’t help him to knock Diane of her legs (and insert  himself between them). Insulted by such offer she decides to return to her cabin, takes a shower and plays with tarantula she has found under her clothes  (?!). Could she be some sort of spider-woman? Judge by yourself.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x176zdl_incy-wincy-spider

Incy Wincy Spider…

Next day they are at Colby farm again where they found his dog killed by spiders. Old Walter starts to act as a drama queen, suggesting that they should  better shoot him rather than watch his cattle dies. Diane does some quick tests and repeats her theory about spiders killers. Walter then reveals that there  is spider hill near his farm. A lot of spiders there. Enraged, stupid Walter wanted to kill every single of them by plain wooden stick. After old farmer got  cool again Rack and Diane went to the lunch. During the lunch she stated her theory about how people killed all of insects by using insecticides thus  destroying spiders’ natural source of food. Poor tarantulas, having no other choice, are forced to turn against the cattle and people. This is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard. You can’t just accidentally exterminate enormous population of insects in a desert area. However, John “Bud” Cardos  (director of this movie) finds this to be very logical and possible. Anyway, in light of new facts (which are actually just blind stab in the dark), Diane and Rack decided to burn spider hill later that night. Just to mention  that previously she had fallen on Shatner’s charm, right in her cabin. Hm on a 3rd meeting? So much about her acting to be hard-to-get. Ok, now back to spider hill. Burning it sounds simple, right? Well, it is not, especially when you get attacked by rampaging bull covered with tarantulas. I guess this adds a completely new meaning to “mad cow” expression. Nevertheless, Walter managed to burn the spider hill while shouting words of vengeance. It seems to me that he had not read “Moby Dick”. If he had he would know that you can’t take revenge on animals. But spiders made escape route so Walter’s spilling of gasoline  was in vain. And now tarantulas are the ones who are going to get some vengeance. First one on their hit list is Walter. Hey, it makes sense if you watch it from spider’s point of view. He just burned down perfectly good spider hill. Tarantulas ambushed Walter in his pick-up truck while he was driving, outnumbering and killing him slowly and painful, eventually wrapping him in cocoon. I don’t know if he wanted it but now he is white.

I wonder if Michael Jackson tried the same thingI wonder if Michael Jackson tried the same thing?

Now it seems that we are getting to the bottom of this. Remember theory about poor tarantulas having nothing to eat? Well, it doesn’t end with that. It gets  even more stupid. Pay attention now. There wasn’t just one spider hill. There are hundreds of it. Why? Because millions and millions of spiders are migrating in search for food. So, no more insects in entire Arizona? Their extermination is the result of people using too much pesticide which, by the way, is strong  enough to wipe out entire insects population and in same time makes spider venom 5 times stronger and deadlier than usual!!! So, let’s have little overview  of entire situation. Human race (at least the one populating Arizona) has exterminated trillions of insects using plain pesticide and now they are facing the  rage of mutant super-spiders? Ok, now we can continue. Mayor Connors (played by Roy Engel) is interested in only 3 things: booze, upcoming county fair (which  brings him financial safety) and more booze. Despite objection of still annoying Dr Diane, he orders entire area to be sprayed with more pesticide from a  plane. I think such decision will come back to bite his ass. But spiders still have their word in this. Same as Walter, they ambushed pilot in the plane  before he even managed to spray some of pesticide onto spider nests. If you thought that pilots are tough, real men, you won’t be convinced in this after  watching this pilot panicking, screaming and crying like a little girl. For the coup de grace he navigated his plane to a local gas station. Well, at least he  took some spiders with him.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x176zgx_wow-what-an-exit

Wow what an exit!!!

It is time for spiders to conquer the town. Full scale invasion! They are taking one by one resident. First one to die is Birch Colby. Even a gun didn’t  help her. Next one is Terry Hansen, who gave heroically gave her life while saving her daughter Linda from spider attack. Well, Rack now can be sure which  woman to choose. Mayor also died somewhere but I doubt he even felt spider bites due to enormous level of alcohol in his body. General panic on the streets.  A lot of people dead. How comes that no one even thought to just get in their car and drive out of town is beyond me. The only ones who managed to stay alive  are Emma Washburn, Diane, Rack, Linda and old tourist couple (who proved to be quite resourceful). They barricaded themselves in one of Emma’s cabin. After  the invasion was over all that was left of town is a drawing of entire town being wrapped up in spider web.

A lot of web needed for this guy                                        A lot of spider web needed for this guy.

Conclusion: This is not a horror. This is rather silly movie. People could have get killed by spiders only by standing and doing nothing. Spiders, on the  other hand, are crawling with their natural slow speed but move much faster when off-screen. Many of them were stomped during making this movie. I don’t know who has jurisdiction over arachnids’ rights but I hope someone had faced consequences. The most annoying thing in this movie is not Shatner (his role of  cowboy here often goes from non-acting to overacting), nor the spiders, but Diane Ashley who is entomologist with split personality consisted of string of  clichés, which are characteristic for so many of the heroines of the 70s. But this movies has one good side: If you suffer of Arachnophobia, you will lose  your fear of spiders after watching this movie.

Invaders From Mars (1986)

Posted: 11/11/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
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This movie is remembered as a beloved classic of the genre by people who grew up in the 80es but the truth is much different, this is a prime example of horrible remaking culture that runs rampant even these days (you might even say now more than ever). Here is a short guide to Tobe Hooper’s desecrating of a great 50es SF film.

You are impressed already, aren’t you?

First thing first- aliens arrive in what resembles a GIANT DISCO BALL!!! Didn’t see that one coming. Kid (scientist 80es kid, you know the kind) follows it with a expression that seems lifted straight from Troll 2. He tries to convince his parents of the phenomena and after display of mind- numbingly horrible acting by all three people he finally goes back to bed. In the morning everything is strangely different, his father starts acting out of character and the boy notices strange carving on his neck. It doesn’t take long for the strange behavior to spread on his mother too and David seeks refuge in the last place anyone would look- school! Unfortunately he catches one of his old teachers eating a frog- normally used for dissecting and it becomes painfully clear that she is infected too. Scared for his life he finds a shelter in the offices of the school nurse, confuse looking blond woman.

The old lady just doing her thing!

After some back and forth the kid successfully convinces the nurse of his UFO experience and strange effects it had on people. Now alien teacher tries to catch David again but he uses oportunity and runs away- unfortunately he hides himself in her car, so he didn’t realy make it easy on himself. He fallows the teacher into new-found holes in the Copper Hill and then firsthandedly sees bizarre alien creatures and their master, creature that looks like a cross between of Krang of TMNT and human penis. After a bit more horrible acting by the kid aliens finally notice he’s there and he is forced to run for his life.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x172juv_invaders-from-mars_fun

He menages to find the the Nurse who starts panicking even more than he does. They decide that there’s only one place they can hide- the school!? Anyway police (also alien controled) finds them in something like 5 minutes and the go in hiding in the basement/ boiling room. That doesn’t actually work so they hug echother waiting for death or even worse- assimilation! But just as they were about to say goodbye cruel world the alien digging machine Spears out of nowhere and they use the ruskus to escape. Nurse finally freaks out almost Nick Cage style but boy starts yelling irritatingly “General Wilson” and they head straight for local army base. It turns out David’s father worked for the military and that’s enough to grant them entrance (a bit imbecilyc but at least it gets as to the third act and thus closer to the end of the movie).

Invaders.From.Mars.(1986).XviD.AC3._LoaD.avi_003124746Still a better love story than Twilight!

David spills the beans on whole alien invasion thing and after some convincing General accepts a little boy’s claims (yes, just that!) Military disposes of the aliens that infiltrated their base andt he ugly truth comes to light – Aliens decided to invade us to stop the launching on the rocket to Mars that would prove their existence- o boy, o boy, those as some stupid ass Martians! In an epic scene we see military cleaning up the town including their destruction of the Elementary School (which is hilarious as it gets). Bunch of soldiers end up sucked into the Copper Hill and General seems surprisingly emotive about it. Anyway the unit confronts the alien in their tunnels but scientist insists on interacting with them- then he gets disintegrated! They kill the first two aliens, then go ahead- an soon enough kill another two that look just the same as the first one… I’m starting to doubt that they made only two costumes for the whole movie- that’s retarded but you have to take into the consideration that this is Cannon film and that goes with the territory.

But I just want to talk!

Faced with possible anihilation the boy does only thing he can (after pleading with the creatures)- he knocks down Krang who then runs away! Then he focuses all his attention not on his parents (that could possobly still be saved) but on the Nurse who somehow ended up captured and almost brainwashed. Finally everything blows up, Krang escapes in the disco ball and David’s parents keep chasing him until the aliend influence is finaly broken. And then… it turns out everything was just a dream. Or was it?  IT WASN’T! THE END

Invaders.From.Mars.(1986).XviD.AC3._LoaD.avi_002349930Somewhere on Mars, right this moment Krang is plotting his return…

Verdict: The whole movie lays squerly on the sholder of the young man playing David (because the whole story is seen basically from his perspective and his performance should give gravitas to the whole fantastic scenario) and his acting is so far beyond fail, that he invented new levels of failure just for this movie. The only thing that could be even remotely seen as areedeming quality of this movies are it’s creature effect by always great Stan Winstone and his studio, even thou design is a bit more cartoony and absurdist than regular it still oozes  with originality and technical prowess.

STAN WINSTON, the only good thing about this movie!

Advice: If you really want to watch a quality ( a quite psychedelic) movie with a ludicrous plot like this, just find the original from the 50’s- hell, let me help you, here it is! It will help you forget the 80’s version in no time.

Evil Clown Tribute: Wake-Up-Juice! (2013)

Posted: 24/10/2013 in Trash movies, Tribute
Tags: , , , ,
0

After bombarding you with clown content we decided to round thing up with a nice little short that involves a computer hacker forced to face  three assassins including a killer clown  who come after him. Film is directed by Tyler Bohlman and stars the new bearded Martial Arts sensation (taking reigns from Bob Wall and Roy Horan) Eric Jacobus, known to you most likely as  Stryker form Mortal Kombat: Legacy series.

WARNING: SCENES OF EXTREME AND GORY VIOLENCE BELLOW!

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