The Bikini Carwash Company 2 (1993)

Posted: 10/03/2014 in Trash movies
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Ever wondered what it would be like if an entire company has been led by women only? I know I was. We probably get the same picture in our heads: cushions  and make up everywhere, bankruptcy after the first job, walls decorated with Hello Kitty gibberish, astronomical telephone bills, complete lack of infrastructure and any item that could be even considered as useful, starving employees dragging on the floor looking for a spot to die… That looks real pretty much. But this movie tries to show us funny side of women management. Not that funny I hoped it would be…

Limo serviceLimo service…

We get adult situation on the very start of the movie. Boss of carwash company Melissa (played by Kristi Ducati) is making out on the backseat of her limo.  It turns out that their business from the first movie has been a huge success and a purchase contract has been signed with an international corporation  Interglobal Industries. CEO of that company Sanders (played by Larry de Russy) promises to Melissa (while he is crossing his fingers behind his back – very  typical for heartless financial shark)  that she is going to have full control over Bikini Carwash Company. Also, 3 more hot chicks who are in charge of  company are there – Amy (played by Rikki Brando), Sunny (played by Suzanne Browne) and Rita (played by Neriah Napaul). We can tell from the first look at  them that entire company is consisted of dumb bimbos, who just want to have fun and who are making such remarks as “two million dollars are twice as much as one million dollars, right?”, etc. Suspecting nothing they decide to celebrate signing the contract by dancing naked and spilling alcohol on themselves.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1g2zn0

Seems like waste of alcohol to me.

But their celebration is a short lived. It seems that Sanders is not such as good boss as they thought he is. During the board meeting, when Sanders freaks  out at his secretary because his glass of water was empty, Melissa did some eavesdropping and learned about his real plans. It turns out that Sanders is  interested only in carwash land which is worth more than Carwash Company itself. Of course, for mere two million dollars they are going to buy that land and
build condos on it. Melissa storms in yelling “How could you do this to me, Mr Sanders” at him with her irritating bimbo voice. Although she has been offered to stay as a boss of new project, Melissa resents the idea of her life work (and underwear for that matter) being torn down with bulldozers. Obviously  pissed off by her remark made to his open flier, Sanders adds that he doesn’t negotiate with bimbos. Aside how big jerk he is the guy got the point there.

When crysis is up girls do what they know best When crisis is up girls do what they know best!

Melissa tries to save things by attempting to seduce Sanders right in his office but he has seen through her. Although he agrees to sell back company to her  10 million dollars. But since she is tried to seduce him he offers to reduce the price for every part of Melissa’s lingerie that hits his carpet. While  stripping for Sanders, Melissa drops the same article of clothing twice. I don’t know if anyone other had noticed this goof. So we come to price of 4 million dollars. It would have been 2 million dollars but Melissa refused to screw him. I don’t know why… Many, many, many other girls parted their legs for much,  much, much less amount of money. So it comes to this: Sanders agrees to sell them company back if they come up with 4 million dollars until Friday. And  Melissa recorded this promise on a tape recorder, just in case it comes to a court of law. But lowering the price wasn’t the only result of Melissa’s  stripping. She also got herself and other girls fired. So, with Bikini Carwash Company out of business and only 4 days left until Friday they need to come up with a new plan for earning money. And don’t miss Sanders’ sinister laugh after Melissa leaves his office. It makes him to look more evil.

The oldest trick(s) in the bookThe oldest trick(s) in the book.

Melissa comes up with the plan of selling lingerie on TV where she and her girls will be models. But they need to takeover The Miracle Network for a week  which got national and satellite frequency in order for their plan to work. And how they are going to do that? With their powers of seduction and with help  of the only person in company who actually got some brains. That person is Melissa’s assistant Derek (played by Greg Raye), a nerdy looking man who’s glasses get fogged whenever he sees naked breasts. Derek always wanted to be TV producer so choosing him seems to make sense. Oh he is done his part of seduction too, when they came to one of TMN’s bosses who is a hot, nerdy looking woman. Interesting thing is that one cameraman looks like former Serbian minister of  police department Dragan Jocic. Hm, makes you think. So, taking over is complete and countdown until Friday may begin.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1g2zmc

Now that’s management!

Selling isn’t going as good as they hoped. Melissa realizes that they are not as tempting on TV as they are in real life. To me it seems that it has  something to do with the fact that they look like retarded orangutans while they are dancing in underwear in their commercials. What is the solution then?  Simple. Sex sells. Melissa decides to strike right at couples who need some fire in their relationship/marriage. Of course, according to them, lack of fire  is caused by not enough sexy lingerie. So, Melissa goes for back up… One of her employees, hot blonde Cindy (played by Melissa Barrick) is the perfect  person for dirty commercials.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1g2znc

The only reasonable way to assure business success.

BOOM!!! Sales is through the roof suddenly!!! Every couple wants (at least male part) special lingerie that will get dousers back to their trousers. Sanders starts to be worried so decides to get himself a spy. Which one of Melissa’s girls will have that honor? Of course dumbest (and probably the hottest) one  among them – Sunny. He managed to get her to his side by appealing to her vanity. Also, he chucked in a diamond ring and brand new house in offer. It worked, of course. You can’t go wrong with materialistic things when you need to win over a girl. Even if you need her just to betray her friends. Hell, betraying a  friends is a small price for having expensive ring on her hand and place where she can mate. So, in the next day Sunny was busy with writing down all rules  that girls have broken in their commercials and sending them to Sanders. Just in time when Marshall (played by Garro Ellis) from the FCA (Federal  Communications Administration) arrived to check what is going on National TV. You can see his reaction below.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1g33ii

This man dislikes smut!

As you have already guessed Amy (who is lawyer of Bikini Carwash Company) seduced Marshall and he gave them some bonus time. The rest is just cliché fill  up. Melissa discovers that Sunny betrayed her (and forgave her for that matter), girls engage more hardcore features in their commercials while screwing on  and off camera, managing to earn more than 4 million dollars until Friday which board, consisted of old men, was happy to return to them, Sanders gets fired, etc… Happy end, more bimbos screwing around and breaking “Emergency condoms” glass every fucking 2.5 minutes.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1g2zgt

Even a nerd can score…

Conclusion: This is a cute story about bunch of sluts who try to save their half-ass company so that they wouldn’t need to do some actual work. I don’t even  want to comment acting since there is none in this SMUUUUUUUT! garbage. It would be much better movie if there weren’t shameful jingles done by A.Z.R.O. group inserted whenever screenwriters had a blackout. In short, first part was much better. It got some meaning after all. This is just SMUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!

Street Gangs of Hong Kong aka The Delinquent aka Fen nu qing nian (1973)

Posted: 06/03/2014 in Trash movies, Tribute
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If you check out the IMDB page for Street Gangs of Hong Kong you can learn that this is a movie about ” an ambitious martial arts student who infiltrates a murderous gang in the hope of finding the man who killed his father”. Not a one word of this is true. Now lets set things straight and start from the beginning.

THE_DELINQUENT.avi_000056022Staring newcomer Wang Chung!

This movie was made in 1973 as a Show Bros’s answer to “new” genre of contemporary action films with less influenced by Peking Opera and more by gritty street fighting you could find on the streets (and especially roofs) of Hong Kong. The leader of the said genre was of course the late, great Bruce Lee. Public unanimously embraced his hits like The Big Boss, Fist of Fury and The Way of the Dragon and that made Show films( with their extensive wife-work and lavish costumes) look like a relic from the past.

Never the ones to back out from the challenge Show Brothers decided to branch out and make an urban, hard hitting movie of their own. The result can be observed right here and it’s one hell of an oddity, even by today’s standards! Movie punches you straight to the gut from the get go with rapid psychedelic colored images of martial arts training accompanied by some tribal, wild drums that send the whole room spinning. Before you recover from that you’re attacked by (even worse)images of people eating in a butcher shop/ restaurant in slums of Hong Kong.The level of disgust you feel can only be compared to the one agony you experience when watching Yugoslav Black Wave films (link). Our hero is of course doing some dishes at that awful place.Then he goes to deliver some food to the local Kung Fu gym full of young and skinny people putting in the work hours.Young John Shen takes a minute to devastate a punching bag (or two) but afterwords insists that he doesn’t have time for things like Kung Fu. Of course he again demonstrates his Kung Fu two seconds later when he takes the money for the food (yes, you need Kung Fu to get payed around here).

Next morning he again practices his Kung Fu and gets into a fight (verbal one- this time) with his father because of his smoking habits. Father practically chases him out of the apartment (placed in the even worse slums than the fist ones- if that’s possible) and then he’s stricken by a sense of horrible gut-wrenching guilt. That pattern repeats incredibly ofter during the film. Meanwhile … throws the cigarets to some neighbor kids, practically toddlers but already nicotine addicts! Man they really start early here. He goes to his job and there we find out his ruthless employer is in fact his step father- that might not be so bad but some Triad lowlifes decide to poke him because of it and he loses his mind. They settle it the old fashion way- fighting on the junk yard, full of stuff that can kill or cripple you. The only worse place would be the top of the tall building (but then I hear young Chinese people like to do that too).

THE_DELINQUENT.avi_000687286They start early in China, really early!

Badly beaten the gang return to their boss, fatty who operates a whore house and pretty much spends all his time there. He gets mad at a gang members because he planes to rob a Wing Kee’s whorehouse that’s guarded by Johns’s father (we learn- a really tuff dude). They should perhaps change the strategy. Now, in the meantime John loses his job (because it seems no one likes young people here in Hong Kong), and gets into another argument with his dad. Running away he meets up with his girlfriend but that also somehow escalates into a 30 on 1 all out brawl. I guess if I had John’s luck I wouldn’t survive a whole day.

After the horrible fight is over his girl is mad at him- even thou he risk his life to defend her honor. Things then get more introspective and we get some interesting flash back sequences that include John’s father beating on his mother while he explains that his father is in fact a good man- it’s just the hard life that made him that way. Now, that theme is quite fascinating- son loves and respects his father, and his father adores his son and cares about his deeply, yet every time they are in the room together they almost kill one another. If it wasn’t so ridiculous it would be touching.

StreetGangs1…I really do!

Then it the ultra romantic scene he’s girlfriend instead of supporting him urges him to get a new job and John pissed again- just walks away. After roaming aimlessly for a while he runs into a cripple, the dude that lead all the gang members against him. Of course cripple is now all fun and games because they need John’s help. Having nothing better to do, he excepts to see their boss Big Sean, in the whorehouse of course. Big Sean, knowing how teenage boys are gives John a whore to calm him down before they get to business. Seeing a naked woman body John completely losses his mind and jumps on the whore like he’s fighting for his life.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1f2vmh

Morning after (John spend the whole nigh with the whore) he finally has that conversation with Big Sean. Shockingly he doesn’t accepts his offer and decides to walk away. At this moment you have to admit that John rules. He almost fucked the life out the dude’s whore for free and then just went home. To his credit he did promise that he’ll pay Sean back as soon as he can. That of course sequeyed into another all out brawl, this time with motorbikes! This thing is going crazier by the minute.

After a devastating and grueling fight with bikers he ends up almost killing the cripple (big Shawn’s retarded brother) with a 2×4 and gets meet hook in his shoulder for the effort. He gets out alive but this time just barely. Police picks him up and detain him and humbled he bags his father to come and pick him up. Father, having a perfect sense of how to further destroy their already shaky relationship refuses. Whit that he practically sealed his fate- you’ll see how very soon. Left desperate without the help of his father John became the victim of the supreme big boss of the Triads who different than his underlings has a more cunning approach. He gets John out, gives him nice clothes, a car and his main ho Funny. It seems that a main thing to do in Hong Kong, what everyone is striving for i getting piss drunk and chasing whores. In the end John brakes and promises to help them get the codes for the safe in the warehouse under the condition that he’s father will not be harmed. Now the scenes where he pretends that he wants to help his father just to get the codes is probably the only truly touching scenes in the movie. The only time they are actually proper father and son is in fact a set up for the inevitable tragedy.

THE_DELINQUENT.avi_003983079Some father and son time…

After a moment of doubt John gives codes to the Boss just to learn that his father will be the one guarding the place that night (even thou he initially traded the shift with some other dude). In desperate attempt to stop them he breaks into the mob’s safehouse (some kind of sawmill facility). Unfortunately faced with a full rooster of the gang he falls short and end up tied to the chuck  waiting for a saw to cut him in two. Yes it turns out that the big boss of Mafia is… EVIL.

THE_DELINQUENT.avi_004467196See how evil he is…

Triads surprise the old Mr.Shen but everything is not black- it seems that in Hong Kong regular weapons for the guards is a shotgun! Now, he’s a bit short on bullets but he uses the shotgun to whack people on the head so it’s still good. After taking a beating Triads fire back with a host of big sticks and beat the old man to the ground. But after a second or two he is back on his feet and using a high pressure hose to fuck the triads up. Man, this dude is unstoppable! They eventually get him down again just because of the sheer number but Mr. Shen fought like a lion right until the end.

John survives his horrible ordeal but wakes up to find out that his father is dead. Devastated by gilt and fueled by uncontrolled rage he escapes the hospital and goes to the whorehouse that he burns to the ground after beating the crap out of everyone. Than he goes straight to flat of the big boss Lam. The fight gets increasingly bloodier by the second and he even gets a broken leg and harpoon in the stomach. He still finds the strength to enact his revenge (by choking the boss with a harpoon line). Having nothing left to live for as soon as he hears the police sirens he throws himself from the building and the last thing he remembers is doing Kung Fu with his father and then everything goes black. And officially every major protagonist of the movie is dead, that reminds me of the movies my grandma likes to watch.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1f2vog

Verdict: Ok, the main problem with this movie is that the attempt to make a realistic action scenes kinda backfired and turned into a mixture of what producer thought was realistic (and that’s mostly stylized moves minus the wire-work with added gore,), horrible social realism, and ton of late 60es, early 70’s psychedelic rock music and images thrown on top. Now that kind of mix is a thing you experience probably once in the lifetime and I’m not sure if even the same people would recreate it if they had to. Still, beside the point that they absolutely did not hit their mark- they sure hit something- and the end result is still all kinds of awesome.

Trivia: We don’t usually do this but because this movie is so rare, we uploaded it specially for you. Just use this link:   https://thepiratebay.org/torrent/34422466/Street_Gangs_of_Hong_Kong_(1973)

Worse News: Relentless Justice Trailer!

Posted: 27/02/2014 in Worse News
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Deadliest Prey (2013) is still red hot but David A Prior is at it AGAIN! It turns out he made two films back to back, first being the fables Deadly Prey sequel and the next one being possibly even more intriguing Relentless Justice. Yes, the title evokes a “Seagal’s revenge thriller” (practically a genre of it’s own at this point) and that is not too far from the truth, but the revenging is done here by a lovely lady Leilani Sarelle (Basic Instinct). The rest of the cast is also more than impressive, having veterans like Eric Roberts (Runaway Train, The Dark Knight and everything in between), epitome of awesomeness Mr. Wernon Wells (Commando, Mad Max: The Road Warrior),  Sherrie Rose (Tales from the Crypt, Unlawful Entry), Lisa Lanloia, Tara Kleinpeter and of course Ted Prior (Priors always come in twos).

465721_446676465360564_1563110891_oTurn away, nothing to see here!

The Plot: Former Australian Intelligence operative Victoria Dev Ries (Leilani Sarelle), lives a quiet life in suburban America where as a single mother she raises her only daughter and trains fighters in her own M.M.A. gym. But when her daughter (Mimi Michaels) goes on a camping trip and fails to return, she is forced to go back into action. It would seem that a handful of people, including the Mayor and his girlfriend (Vernon G. Wells & Lisa Langlois) and Sheriff (David Campbell) along with a handful of others have a rather strange hobby. They like to hunt people for fun. And they are rather good at it, but when it comes down to hunting Victoria, they need help and so they bring in another former Intelligence operative, Joe Mangine (Mark Rolston) to balance the scales for them. But this may not be enough because for Victoria the only justice she knows is Relentless Justice.

460558_446673925360818_514048331_oShe made a promise to kill him last… she lied!

Enjoy the trailer and we’ll update you on the release date as soon as we find out. Good to see Prior Bros. firing on all cylinders!

For more information like he official Relentless Justice page on facebook- https://www.facebook.com/pages/Relentless-Justice/378610885500456

Worse News: CYBORG NEMESIS ending production!

Posted: 24/02/2014 in Worse News
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After nearly retiring , and still  fighting  serious illness B (to Z) movie kingpin Albert Pyun found the strength to finish off his magnum opus (semi- sequel to both of his early career cyber- punk outings) CYBORG NEMESIS.

Final piece of the puzzle is completed as he cast (still unnamed) young actress that will open and close the movie. Final scenes will be shot in Ryolite (Nevada) and will officially signal the wrap of the lengthy shoot of CYBORG NEMESIS. Big part of editing is already done with sound designer Michael McCarty still working hard as we speak. Score will be handled by Pyun’s long time collaborator Tony Riparetti (Mean Guns, Postmortem).

With a cast of old favorites and new talent: Sasha Mitchell, Dru- Anne Perry, Joei Fulco, Joseph Cannon, Daniel Faust, Jessica Delgado and Kim Coture this films actualy has a potential to be not a swan song but a return to form of sorts for Pyun who spend last couple of years working on ultra- small productions, making unofficial sequels to films (of others as well as himself). Visibly enthusiastic he called this his firs balls out Sci Fi movie- in outer space. So, even thou he is rehashing the old themes here- there seem to be a silver lining as this movie shows a more focused Pyun who surrounded himself with a bigger, more professional crew to help him realize his vision.

Cyborg

P.S. He still promises a few surprises in the final movie (Gruner cameo perhaps?), so we’ll have to wait and see what future brings. Besides cyborgs and space stations and that kind of stuff.

Deadliest Prey (2013)

Posted: 20/02/2014 in Trash movies
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One of the main reasons our blog/website exists is David A Prior’s Deadly Prey. That’s one of those rare movies that pushed us from being aficionados to professionally reviewing movies. So it’s only natural that we would celebrate the day we got long gestating sequel (shot almost 30 years after the part 1) in our mail.And now among the first (our fantastic colleagues from Action Elite were little faster) you can read everything about the Deadliest Prey.

Movie starts with Colonel Hogan, ruthless ex- military officer walking up in sweat. He dreamt of Mike Danton, again. Obviously he’s been doing that for the better part of 25 years. Guard informs him he’s got to get his shit together ’cause he’s getting out in 30 minutes. He is then picked up by a hot redhead, ovbiasly a fan.

In the meantime little blond boy wakes up his father, ’cause it’s time to throw the thrash… then we find out that he’s father is none other than unstoppable Mike Danton! Denton doesn’t seem too thrilled by his chore but he asks for coffee and does it anyway. Unfortunately it turns out that the years haven’t made him invulnerable to his one lone weakness- taking out the thrash sneak attack! And before you know it Denton is stunned and packed like a sack of potatoes. Movie cuts to the unlikely trio of hackers gets bored with their video game life and surfing the net find the mysterious stream of man hunting. And we can all guess who’s the man being hunted can’t we? Denton stands face to face with his old nemesis- and game is all set to go. Denton takes a minute to promise swift death to all but Hogan (who he promise a slow, painful one) and as Hogan screams “now you run, son of a bitch” the hunt is finally on!

Hogan is also seemingly  in cahoots with shady internet businessmen- so he earns money from the manhunt stream and also hunts Denton (theoretically) killing two birds with one stone. Denton starts disposing the mercenaries one at the time… and instructed by his previous experience decides to steal a pair of pants, and some nice boots too!

Deadliest Prey (2013).avi_000797379“I’m not doing this shit barefoot again”

And when Denton get’s into a groove you better watch out. Armed mostly with a just a pocket size knife he starts casing mayhem on (surprisingly young and agile) group of would be mercenaries. Hogan doesn’t seem to bothered with this (I guess he plans on having a stream on for some hours) and also suddenly realizes he hasn’t gotten laid in almost 30 years. So he grabs his second in command redhead military chick (played by Tara Kleinpeter) and goes inspecting the troops (haven’t heard that one before).

Deadliest Prey (2013).avi_001175591“I don’t want to be disturbed for the next 15 minutes or so”

Surprisingly, Ted Prior looks good as an older, more chiseled Denton. Gone is the look of surf- boy bodybuilder replaced with a more “no bullshit” Clint Eastwood attitude. He dismantles everything they send after him leaving just one survivor with a message to Hogan. Hogan receives the message right away (it seems he didn’t last the full 15 minutes) but doesn’t seem too thrilled. In fact he rewards his soldier by shooting him point blank. And then things get really interesting- Fritz Matthews  is back as Thorton’s twin brother  ( by pure happstinance because someone from his church pointed towards something David wrote about him on his blog and decided to hit him up after 25 years ) and he’s not happy about Denton cutting his brothers arm and then beating him ’till death with it.

Deadliest Prey (2013).avi_002059182

In the meantime Danton is making friends, it turns out his old war buddy Kaplan is one of the mercenaries (sound familiar?). After a little bit of fist fighting Kaplan decides that he can’t go on with it- and offers to help Danton out. Denton seemingly disappears from Hogan’s eyes aka cameras but that just pisses him off and he decides to lead a hunting party himself (backed by Thorton ofc). He also shoots a couple of internet entrepreneurs that helped him set everything up- just because. After an introverted moment or a two in which he thinks about his family Denton returns to doing what he does best- wrecking everything on his sight. But he didn’t count on Lt. Thorton (part 2) and soon it finds himself captured and gagged.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1ct95y_denton-vs-thorton-ii

Hogan interrogates him for a bit- and describes all the torturing he means to deliver and I must say David Campbell has grown more manic with time. Redhead Sophia then takes her turn seemingly jealous of the all attention Hogan is giving him. As soon as she’s gone, Kaplan shows up and frees Danton and they make daring escape… BY BLOWING SHIT UP!

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1ct735_denton-and-kaplan_fun

Unfortunately Kaplan dies and it seems that Denton will meet the same fate… when the deadly trio of ridiculous hackers picks him up (’cause they managed to tracked down the source of the feed). Now, Danton can finally reunite with his family and everything will be OK. Unfortunately family is not home! Being a strategical genius Lt. Hogan send his mercenaries to kidnap his wife just in case and Denton is met with deadly Sophie finally ready to deliver on her treats. Denton does what he generally does with women he doesn’t like- he back fists her and shoots her all kinds of dead.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1ct7wf_one-last-kill_fun
Then it’s time to suit up and go into one last battle. He armors himself for the special occasion .And even his daisy dukes make a special appearance.

Deadliest Prey (2013).avi_003539494

He starts off with some old school traps and continues with stealth slicing and dicing. After the first trap- bomb goes off he ditches the stealth mode and adopts more straight forward Rambo approach.The last bargaining chip Hogan’s got is Danton’s wife. Unfortunately for him that doesn’t last for long. Hogan finally looses it and orders Thorton to off the woman. So it seems they’ll be two for two in Denton’s wife killing business. But not- someone shot Thorton in the shoulder and that’s a wild card- Denton Jr. who sneaked out on hacker bunch and decided to help out his dad.

Deadliest Prey (2013).avi_004220549Chip of the old block

Then the original Denton jumps in and let’s just say some are end up flying in the process. Just before a final showdown between Denton and Hogan the trio of hackers shows up… and they die. Denton proves harder to kill- one of his ultimate traps finally pays of a Hogan ends up disemboweled. The End.

Verdict: Even though this movie is even more low budget affair than the original Priors actually managed to improve on the original in some ways. The copied   the structure of the original completely – tweaked it just enough so it flows more natural. Also the fact is Ted Prior is no longer muscle bound hot-head but actually a capable actor and that changes things up. Now don’t get me wrong- Prior can be as corny as it gets when he needs to be but now he’s got that Eastwood ironic detachment that makes things even more hilarious. Also- David Campbell is hitting an all time high, in this movie- this is one of my favorite madman ever caught on screen. But most of all  this movie has an incredible “blast from the past” vibe to it and it brings back all the B-movie all out action trashiness that seems incredibly fresh in today’s PG-13 ultra- budget centered industry. Anyway, the years haven’t hurt Priors at all. Now I just hope to see Prior Bros. fallow this up with a couple more trademark action romps that they’re known for (and a nice slasher in old school Sledgehammer/ Aerobicide style wouldn’t hurt too).

Trivia: David A Prior when asked about a possible Deadly Prey 3, gave free rains to his nephew to make a Deadly Prey: Next Generation as soon as he’s 18. I wouldn’t be surprised if that actually happens, the kid has the making of the action star.

Note #01 (Un)fortunately we don’t have any recent nude photos of Ted Prior.

Note #02 WM Crew would also like to thank PRIOR BROTHERS ENTERTAINMENT for providing us with DVD for review in such short notice. Class acts all the way.

Worse News: Sharknado 2: The Second One starts production!

Posted: 13/02/2014 in Trash movies, Worse News
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Believe it or not, the time has come for the Sharkado to hit again- in New York non the less! Film officialy starts shooting next week and the full cast has finally been reveled. Beside the series regulars Ian Ziering and ( even more washed up whore) Tara Reid, we have some new faces joining our shark- repellant team of misfits. Epic people like Mark McGrath (great surname), Andy Dick (even better one!), Ozzy’s abomination of a daughter Kelly Osbourne and last but not least Vivica A. Fox who’s career seemingly went down the drain so much that she needs some shark on tornado action to get her going again. On the other hand when actors like Michael Jai White (The Dark Knight, Black Dynamite, Arrow) decide to roll with Asylum (Android Cop anyone?) maybe that is a sign that bad movies finally won and no one realized just yet.

sharknado2Whatever you do- do not look behind!

Anyway, if something is sure, that’s death, taxes and the fact that we’ll all watch Sharknado 2: The Second One premiere in July on SyFy. Until then!

Tara+swims+BeJ0L6sR3lLlTara Reid, a friend of all the sea creatures.

UPDATE: First photos from Sharkando 2 surface!

article-2563443-1BA7BCC100000578-290_634x984

Beyond Re-Animator (2003)

Posted: 06/02/2014 in Trash movies
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Let’s get one thing straight right now: In the following review not a single word is made up or events from the movie are altered in any way. Furthermore, I am almost sure that I will fail in attempts to describe madness of certain scenes. By that I mean that there aren’t many words which could give precise insight into such level of insanity, madness, sickness, twisted humor, and mind fuck this movie provides. So let’s get ready for mind aptitude test and close view of final chapter in Re-Animator saga – Beyond Re-Animator!!!

Beginning takes us 13 years before events in the movie had happened. On one stormy night young Howard (played by Tommy Dean Musset) is with his friend in small tent located in his yard, telling a ghost stories. They think they heard something so they rush into the house. Meanwhile, Howard’s sister Emily (played by Barbara Elorrietta) is in the kitchen drinking milk. Why is that detail important? Because it was first Brian Yuzna’s mistake (out of many others) who is both director and producer of this movie. You see, Emily is drinking from a milk carton with screw-on cap on it. In 1990., when this scene is set, such type of milk carton didn’t even exist. Only with folding spout. Ok, back to movie now. She also thinks she heard someone and leaves a kitchen in order to investigate. She is crossing the living room (where we can also notice reflection of cameraman in large wall mirror for the entire scene; Yuzna’s second mistake in only first 3 minutes of the movie) and gets surprised by her brother. Both of them were relieved. But not for long. Zombie (well, re-animated corpse, to be more precise) suddenly appears from nowhere. He tosses away Howard and nerdy looking kid, and focuses his attention directly to Emily. No, it is not what you think. Remember, living impaired don’t have sexual needs. Zombie kills Emily by smashing her head of the wall and then drinks her milk. How many more lives will be lost in milk feuds, I wonder? Anyway, before poor zombie managed to finish his milk police officers comes in and blow his head off. “Who called the police?”, I hear you asking. Well, police weren’t there because of Emily and Howard. No, they were there because of none other than Dr. Herbert West (played by legendary Jeffrey Combs of course). They are placing him under arrest after causing Miskatonic University Massacre. So he is still alive. No one have bothered to explain how the fuck did he manage to survive collapsing of entire house on him in previous movie (Bride of Re-Animator). Nevermind that now. Important thing is that he is alive and still re-animating. Young Howard finds special green mixture used for re-animating. Mad Dr. West probably lost it while he was taken into police car. Zoom onto West’s pride face on the backseat of police vehicle and that’s the moment when well-known intro credits start.

MilkA trophy!!!

13 years later Dr. West is still serving his sentence in jail. He looks almost the same but acts more creppy and insane (yeah, that’s possible). And the fact that he has been incarcerated for so long time doesn’t stop him from continuing with his re-animation experiments. But he is short of corpses so he is using a rats. And what he is doing with all those rats? He electrocutes them, of course and takes notes afterwards. Hm what he has been up to now? His experiment is interrupted by dumb-looking Sergeant Moncho (played by Lolo Herrero). He brought new work assignment papers to Dr. West (in that scene we can see boom mic inside Dr. West’s cell; another Yuzna’s goof). And he learned a new word. Dubious. Anyway, what that new work assignment might be? Apparently, brilliant young doctor (played by Jason Barry) has chose to work at prison clinic. His name is Howard Phillips (as in Howard Phillips Lovecraft). But why did he choose this workplace if he was so brilliant? Warden Brando (played by Simon Andreu) asked him the same question. Same as hot reporter Laura (played by Elsa Pataky) who happened to be there because of interview with horny, psychotic Brando who enjoys electrocuting people. Howard has given them some inconclusive answer. Doesn’t matter since we are going to find out soon his true motives. One of the prisoners called Moses (played by Nico Baixas) has suffered a heart attack  and has been transported to prison ambulance where Howard meets Dr. West. After a brief talk over the Moses’ corpse (yeah, not even 5 minutes at job and Howard already managed to lose patient) we find out that Howard is big fan of Dr. West and his work in the field of re-animating and he wants them to work together. As even the dumbest among our readers have already guessed, Dr. Howard is none other than young Howard who lost his sister Emily 13 years ago. He even kept DR. West’s re-agent he had found that night for all those years. And they are going to use it on late Moses corpse. So basically, we got ourselves here two mad doctors. Of course, poor Moses turned feral and attacked them. Still no progress in re-animating. But wait… Best is yet to come.

Dr WestMad scientist in prison again!

While Moses has been locked in the box and beaten up by sick warden Brando, both of our mad doctors/scientists are conducting research. Dr. Howard provided everything Dr. West needs for his experiments. Dr. West believes he has found a way to restore rational behavior to re-animated people. But he doesn’t tell us how. Yet. On the other side, searching a way to cope with pressure, Dr. Howard managed to pick up horny Laura. During the first sex scene in Re-animator trilogy we can briefly see the reflection of a crewmember’s hand in a large mirror located above the bed in which Laura and Howard were making love.
Now, do you remember the rat Dr. West had electrocuted? Well it was the pet of another prisoner, some badass Mexican guy called Cabrera (played by Erneique Arce). Cabrera will have West’s ass if he doesn’t give him his rat back. Alive. Having no choice nor much time Dr. West decides to re-animate rat using his (in)famous re-agent. Of course, Dr. Howard, who is a bit gay for West, provided all ingredients necessary for making a shitloads of green liquid. As it always happens rat turns feral with supernatural strength. Now the second part – restoring RATional behavior. Here is how they are going to do it.
You see, when you die, last thing you see stays on the back of your retina, kind of like a photograph. According to Dr. West, he found a way to store that memory in small device called nano-plasma, in form of electric impulse (which he did earlier while electrocuting the rat). And not only that. It also tells the cells how to grow. So, he transferred impulse back to rat’s brain and voile!!! It was success. Or at least it seems like a success. Anyway, later that day, Dr. West was happy to give Cabrera his pet back. And Mexican was glad to get it.
On the other side of prison Laura takes another grand tour through building. She sneaks in Moses’ cell wanting to get interview with him. But warden Brando finds her and gets mad. Moses attacks him and bite his ear off, in that way earning himself getting beaten up with Brando’s cane. It seems that when you lose your ear your hormones go through the roof (someone call Jeffrey Combs to check up on this) since warden tried to force Laura to blowjob. Or maybe it is just because Brando is having really heavy mental issues. Anyway, Laura refused and tried to escape but warden was faster and strangled her. You guess what comes next.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1bdkod_bad-liutenant_fun

Things are starting to get out of control in every sector of prison. West and Howard had re-animated Laura (and Howard calls her Elsa; another goof). Of course, she is still mindless since they lack nano-plasma. Warden discovers their secret lab. West uses an opportunity to knock him down, electrocute him and capture his nano-plasma impulse so he can transfer it back to Laura. But it didn’t turn out to be as ideal as they would think. It seems that Laura struggles between herself and warden’s attitude. Meanwhile, in prisoners part of building, Moses managed to escape his cell, beat down Sergeant Moncho, free Cabrera who sets free the rest of the prisoners. Cabrera also tried to rape Laura (she is got something savage in her, I can tell you that) but she easily repelled him with her superhuman strength. After that she joins the riot thus commencing a complete anarchy.

RatLunch time!

Wanting to conduct one last experiment Dr. West re-animates warden, leaving him tied to a table so prisoners could easily find him. But that came back to bite his ass since warden managed to knock him down and steal his bag full of re-agents. Even re-animated, warden continues to do his job. He beats up prisoners, kills Sergeant Moncho because he failed to fulfill his orders as a guard and then re-animates him. So, now warden has become the re-animator. Also, re-agent gives him a chance to fulfill his sick, twisted desires. How? He hangs prisoners all around. When they die of suffocation, he re-animates them so they suffering could be prolonged for infinite time. Man, this guy really hates crime.
WardenThis is gonna hurt.

We also got answer to the question what happens when you re-animate a living person. Though, no one actually asked it but it doesn’t hurt to know. Or it does? Anyway, while Brando was enjoying in suffering of hanged prisoners, one of the remaining living prisoners, a junky called Speedball (played by Santiago Segura) stole several re-agents and injected them into himself. He got really high, I can assure you. Meanwhile, Moses has cornered slutty looking nurse Vanessa, undressed her and started eating one of her tits. No, for real! That shows what disastrous effects prison may have on some men. But that’s not the end body parts feast in this movie. Get ready now! Remember warden’s failed attempt to force Laura to blowjob. Well, he found her again and this time he had more success in making his wish come true (thus negating my theory from the beginning of this review about how living impaired people don’t have sexual needs). You got to admire that man’s libido. But not for long since Laura bites off his dick and spits it. No, really! And it seems that dick has it’s own will.

Meanwhile, Dr. West has his own problems too. Half of Cabrera’s body jumps down from the ceiling and attacks him. Thanks to Yuzna’s “brilliant” production we can see the shadow of actor’s legs on the left wall. Great fight commenced. Half of the man overpowers West easily. Eventually, mad doctor triumphs by throwing poor half-man far, far away. Is that really a way to win a fight against handicapped man?

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1bdlm5_that-s-not-how-do-you-treat-person-with-no-legs_fun

Progressive madness as we are coming near to an end. Dr. West finds Speedball and tries to get his re-agents back. Speedball really seems to did overdose since he exploded. But he is still alive. Without a complete front skin that is. Dr. West used an opportunity to retrieve re-agents and Speedball’s eye. I don’t need to tell you what does he intend to do with it.
Dr. Howard fights his battle with much stronger Laura. It was almost certain that he is going end up dead but eventually he managed to cut off her head. So that settles everything, right? Wrong! Aren’t you forgetting someone? Warden is still alive. But now he has become a crab. Or at least he moves that way. Dr. West engages in fight with him for one more, last time. And even that is not a fair fight. Cabrera’s half of body flies into the room (I only don’t know how). Dr. West, who is really pissed off in this moment, strikes it back in manner of professional basebal player using the warden’s cane as a bat. Now it is time to finish job. He electrocutes warden one more time, this time on electric chair, cracking out one more one-liner: “This experiment is over”. HA! Who says that scientists can’t be action heroes! Entire fight was spectated by warden’s dick and rat.

AudienceAudience

By the time S.W.A.T. team arrived Dr. Howard has already lost his mind. Dr. West used Howard’s new founded insanity to steal his ID card, leave a prison by introducing himself as Dr. Howard Phillips, leaving a poor, young doctor to laugh loudly together with Laura’s decapitated head. So, this time Herbert West is alive for sure at the end of movie.

Happy endHappy end?

Conclusion: I don’t know what I could possibly have to add here. Such madness can’t be seen even in most of Troma films. This looks like someone had Ed Wood re-animated. Apart of Jeffrey Combs, who plays Dr. West as best as he can, overall acting is tragic. Same goes for production. I don’t remember a movie who got so many goofs. Even budget was higher than in previous two parts when put together this sequel is the worst in franchise. It is simple – Yuzna shouldn’t be allowed to direct. Special effects and make up done by Screaming Mad George are decent but got lost in sea of bad production, repeating plot, severed dicks, flying torsos and eaten tits… But, despite all above mentioned, Re-Animator trilogy is far superior than Lord of the Rings trilogy, Indiana Jones trilogy and original Star Wars trilogy combined!!! And, I am going to repeat conclusion from my review of Bride of Re-Animator… When I die I still don’t want to be RE-ANIMATED!!!

P.S. For all of you wrestling fans out there here is a little treat for you:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1bdly5_wwa_fun

Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four (1992)

Posted: 30/01/2014 in Trash movies, Worse News
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
1

Now, when you say MARVEL movie you are probably thinking of  mega successful Iron Man trilogy or even more successful The Avengers but the truth of the mater is- Marvel movies were laughing stock of ar movie industry for years. Between barely animated cartoons, horrible TV shows (Spider-man and Hulk I’m looking at you) and occasional low- budget disaster it took couple of decades and New Line Cinema’s Blade (featuring minor comicbook character) to turn the tide. After that FOX decided to put some money into making of X-Men and Spidey franchises and the rest is history.

And now we get to what interests us, the most obscure thing from the Dark Age of Marvel Movie Universe- The Fantastic Four! No, not FOX’s Fantastic Four from 2005 (although that’s kinda bad too) but original Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four from 1992. You never heard of it? Strange- because trailer was attached to your copy of Carnousaur (and don’t tell me you don’t have VHS/ DVD of Carnosaur please). Anyway, the only reason for this film’s existence is the fact that the company that owned movie rights to FF, had to make a movie of forfeit that rights. They didn’t really feel like spending a bunch of money of a comicbook/ SF flick but they still wanted to keep rights (’cause you never know)- so they decided to play it smart and hire Roger Corman to produce incredibly lo-fi version of film (without ever telling him that they don’t really plan on releasing it, like EVER).

So this came down in history as the only Corman film never released but the producer made a deal with MARVEL, they agreed to pay for the movie (securing it never sees a light of day), ended up with a profit of few million and everybody walked away happy. Except for Corman, who’s still pissed about it. Of course bootleg copy eventually find it’s way online and you can finally uncover the mystery of Fantastic Four right here on WM.

 

 

 

 

Movie starts with young Reed Richards and his best pal Victor Von Doom (who wouldn’t want a friend with a name like that) breaking into some science facility (by all accounts located on their campus) and using the passing of a comet for some kind of god awful experiment. Of course as things go awry and Doom gets electrocuted and seemingly dies. This shutters Reed by somehow he recovers in no time. Then we find out that he’s living in a boarding house with a mother of two young children Sue Johnny Storm (interesting).

We flash forward to the future- the 90’s (yes the 90’s)! Reed and his new pal Ben Grimm (hope nothing bad happens to this one) are finishing up work on some experimental, crystal powered space- craft. They need skills astronauts to accompany them but Reed being genius that he is decides to take his old friends the Storms for a ride! Now imagine this- strange man that lived in your place in his collage years comes out of nowhere one morning and offers to take your children (now teenagers) to space! Just because. Mother being stupid enough to give housing to this dangerous man accepts to help him potentially kill her children and all is set to go.

The Fantastic Four (1994).avi_000946779“FANTASTIC FOUR”

Reed being a cool cat that he is, dedicates the mission to his “dead” friend Doom and off they go. Spacecraft malfunctions because the Jewler (knock- off of  more famous FF villain Mole Man) steals their fuel- the crystal and replaces it with a cheap knock- off ( how appropriate). Not only do they crash land (which is strange because the ship clearly exploded to pieces)- they menage to get seriously irradiated by “cosmic rays”. Somehow they survive and soon they discover they’ve been mysteriously granted an amazing powers.

The Fantastic Four (1994).avi_001824322Now I see you, now I can’t!

They don’t really get to explore their new found powers because they end up captured by Victor’s man. They eventually get the hang of their powers enough to escape them and regroup back at their base- the baxter building! Only Ben Grimm decides to leave horrified with the fact that he became a rock monster (probably the only decently done FX job in the whole movie). Next we see the Thing staggering the streets, seemingly trying to score a hooker (not sure that could end well).

The Fantastic Four (1994).avi_003728758Thing and his new lady friend

Doom confronts the Jewler because he needs the crystal to finally capture the power of the comet (he still can’t get that behind him after all these years). It turns out he gave the jewel to blind artist Alicia Masters (who he also lovingly kidnapped to be his bride). Now Alicia is of course not impressed with Jewler and his horde of underground dwelling hobos- she likes Ben Grimm even thou he destroyed some of her artwork (or maybe even because of it). Doom, angry, seizes the diamond for himself and threatens to kill Alicia, and then out of nowhere Grimm comes barging in trying to stop him! …and the (I kid you not) HE REVERTS BACK TO HIS HUMAN FORM! You know, the form he can tragically never reclaim! It his one movie Corman and co destroy the whole concept of this truly compelling character and made him into the Hulk Lite (and as Coca Cola Light showed us- nothing Lite is ever good).

The Fantastic Four (1994).avi_004611773Doom is a Gangsta!

Anyway, he menages to Thing- out again couple minutes later but it’s already too late. Doom captures him, the girl and takes them with the famed crystal back to his home country of Latveria in Eastern  Europe. He must have had some superior means of transportation because they are in his castle in about a minute- already draining the Thing of his cosmic power. This already looks a lot like the original incident that nearly killed him- but some people never learn. The rest of a Fantastic Four decide is the right time and after they get themselves a nifty costumes they come to save their peer.They kinda fail, at least at first and get captured (and drained ofc). Mr. Fantastic finally uses his elongating powers to escape and bring fight to Doom. What’s fascinating is how Doom with all that might and resorses (coupled with scientific brilliance) still uses and old fashion gun- a luger pistol as his primary weapon. Then doom launches the rocket that could supposedly bring the end of the world as we now it but in scenes ripped directly form old Fleischer’s Superman cartoons from the ’40 Johnny Storm now Human Torch stops it.

 

 

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1amglv

Directly lifted from Superman: The Mad Scientist (1941)

In the final Doom decides to commit suicide just to further torture the  Mr.Fantastic, who doesn’t seem all that bothered and soon marries his sweetheart Sue and presumably lives
happily ever after.

Verdict: People complain that super-hero movies of today (notably Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy and Snyder’s Man of Steel) are too dark and grim, too serious but God damn imagine if comicbook movies reverted back into this- now that would be a true horror!

Trivia 1: The legend of this movie became so big that it finally got it’s own documentary DOOMED: The Untold Story of Roger Corman’s “The Fantastic Four”. You can see the trailer bellow.

 

Trivia 2: Depending on who you ask, our country Serbia is a neighbor/part of Latveria, the land on evil genius and monarch Victor Von Doom.You can see the proof straight out of Secret Avengers comicbook
(by Warren Ellis and Alex Maleev) right here.

LatveriaALL HAIL DOOM!

Worse News: KUNG FURY (2014)!

Posted: 13/01/2014 in Tribute, Worse News
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
0

Some films are cool, some films are funny, this film- THIS FILM IS PURE FUCKIN’ PERFECTION!

Kung FuryEvery movie that has uzi- wielding Valkira deserves our support!

With it’s foundation in 80’s Cop Films, Kung Fu and vintage video games Laser Unicorn studio present us the KUNG FURY!

David Sandberg (also Johhny Depp look- alike) is the director and  eponymous hero,  Joanna Häggblom is “Viking Babe”, Leopold Nilsson “Hacker Man” and Andreas Cahlins is the “Thor”. Kickstart campaign is destroying all the records and if you want to join in on the fun be free to do that here.

2013 in review

Posted: 31/12/2013 in Trash movies, Tribute
0

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 16,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 6 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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