Skyscraper (1996)

Posted: 12/02/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
1

At certain point in the 90es Anna Nicole Smith, a former model and Playboy’s Playmate decided to further her scope and get into acting. All fine and dandy ,she’s not the first one and most surely won’t be the last one.But there just one little thing. She couldn’t act for the life of her. She couldn’t evens speak English properly and had all the tone and diction of the spoiled 4 year old trailer trash brat. She almost routinely drifted off somewhere in the middle of the sentence if we presume that she knew where she was/ and what she was doing at the first place. It is very rare that I found Schwarzennegers’ heavy Austrian drawl superior when compared to the acting of someone obviously born in the USA but this is most certainly one of these times! Another unexplained and oddly impressive things about the movie is the fact that she decided to do a hard- core Action Flick! Now, I’m all for women taking names and kicking ass but the only parts Anna could have played convincingly were does of voluptuous blonds in some teenage flicks or a romantic comedies. Action movie’s a very different beast and despite her not so small and fragile frame she was everything but the action hero in the making.

SkyscraperMV5BZWUyYmIzMjYtNDFiNy00OTBiLTk2NjUtYThkZWFlYWI1OTkyL2ltYWdlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjQ2MjQ5NzM@._V1_FMjpg_UX1000_

Die Hard… with Hooters!

So, we have a sexy helicopter pilot Carrie Wink (Anna Nicole ofc) that offers heli- taxi transport to rich clients. She is happily married to a LAPD detective Gordon and we are often treated to flash back scenes of their domestic life, so we can deduce that their marriage consisted solely of marathon sex with the  occasional break to shoot some cans with heavy weaponry- good for them!

Typical day at Wink residence

Her client is mysterious Mr. Fairfax- in fact a ruthless South African criminal mastermind with a thing for Shakespeare. His final objective- to … four interlocking electronic devices that can seemingly magicly change the balance of power in the world (how it is not explained, ovbiasly it has something to do with satellites). She dispatches Fairfax and his associates all around not even fathoming his true intentions (those being world domination of course! Well this is one rare cases where “stupid blond” stereotype actually makes perfect sense.

Skyscraper.1996.480p.H264.mp4_000979228…and typical manicure for a pilot

Fairfaxe’s long haired goons give their best and succeed in acquire second to last piece but they naturally make a mess of it. Croatian kickboxing champ Cikatic and Lara Croft wannabe chick come to their rescue and they succeed in getting away with the device.

Skyscraper.1996.480p.H264.mp4_004884087Croatian Kickboxing sensation Branko Cikatic, enjoys strangling black people in his down time

This movie can be easily categorized as  RPG Porn counting the sheer number of scenes of A Rocket Propelled Grenade launching  despite the facts that those RPG’s are not re-loadable, and shouldn’t be able to fire more than once.*

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xxgpyf

Finally Ann drops off Fairfax at the top of the Zitex building, the 86-floor skyscraper in downtown L.A. His terrorist friends take over the security system of the building and slowly but surely liquidate the security guards. Now it’s time for heroic Mr. Wink to jump into the action (not knowing his woman is at the top of the same building I guess). Some moments later his partner is killed and he heart-brokenly declares  “he was more to me than a partner” not long afterwords (?) Fairfax has a meeting with Criston who was supposed to sell him the part No.4 but he decides to kill him instead (I guess he’s cheep). Criston menages to escape, albeit for the moment but it was enough for his to give the device to the confused Carrie Wink who realizes something is wrong when Criston dies. Blessed with enough common sense to run for her life Wink jumps into the washer’ rig. Goons start shooting like crazy but are such horrible shots that she menages to survive unscatered. Then she does even riskier thing and attaches herself with one of the  steel winch cables and goes down the side of the building. That of course leaves her in even more vulnerable position but thank God those gunman are such idiots. After being confused by her constant swinging around- Spiderman style they lose her when she finally menages to crash through one of the giant windows and get into one of the offices. She then in the moment of unusual clarity for her character stashes away the case, unfortunately in one of the trash cans (not really the best idea in the world but considering who we’re talking about- good enough).

https://www.tumblr.com/videoreligion/185864243261/skyscraper-1996

What chance does the terrorist organization has against a woman like this? I mean, really!

They kill boy’s mother thinking it’s Wink (because all blonds look the same?) but the boy doesn’t seem to mind. He just wants to ride his bike. Then she teams up with idiotic security guard who probably managed to survive all this because no one in the right mind would consider him a treat. She gives him some lessons in her distinctive southern twang and snatches the gun from him. Unfortunately the goons track her down and she ends up in the gunfight with the long haired German looking muscle bound villain. Both of them shoot randomly at everything and anything but each-other but she comes out on top with a little help from the cowardly security guy. Making her way through the chain of offices she finds the small blond boy on a toy bike and convinces him to hide. Just in time ’cause the other goons are right after them.

In the meantime her husbands Gordon finds a way to infiltrate the building but succeeds in doing nothing when inside- except having a prolonged hide and seek with the Whoopi Goldberg looking dude*

Skyscraper.1996.480p.H264.mp4_003922710

Whoopi Goldberg before the sex change operation

Wink confuses the tech terrorist (the one operating the security cameras) by lighting fire in the waste paper bin causing fire alarm and disabling some of the monitors. Just when it seems she knows what she’s doing she ends up captured. She tries to reason with them and exchange the lives of the hostages for the suitcase but she is unfortunately just not that good with words. She gives away the location of the case and all she gets is one of the guards (the one wearing tight leather pants) trying to nail her in the ass. I know, life is not fair. But Wink is nothing if not resourceful, and she manages to find a paper knife… and procides to stab the goon in groins, shoot him with his own gun with the force of blast pushing him through the window and into his unavoidable death by being squished by lethal combination of velocity and pavement.

Don’t fuck with Anna Nicole… unless she wants you to!

Seeing that the shit hit the fan Fairfax offs the remaining goons and heads out to the copter. He exchanges the blond kid for the blond chick aka Anna Nicole but her silly husband shows up all gung-ho and tries to free her.
Being the evil mastermind that he is Fairfax takes the girl and shoots the cop and just when it seems that he will get away with everything- Wink busts out (no pun intended) some Kung Fu moves and kick his ass to kingdom come!!!, why she haven’t used them in any of the critic situations in the last hour and a half beats me. Anyway,  Wink hugs the little blond boy telling him everything is  all right while we see ambulance taking the body of his dead mother in the background. The End

Infierno de cristal (8)

I guess her brains and beauty will somehow get her out of this?

Laserblast (1979)

Posted: 07/02/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
1

What we have here is now legendary low budget Sci Fi flick from the 1979, made in sole purpose to cash money from the enormous success of the Star Wars saga that was blowing people’s minds back in the late 70-ies. Ironically, that was the very tagline of this catastrophe of the movie that we are reviewing right now. Just to get this right, this crap will sure as hell “blow your mind”, but definitely not in the way director has envisioned it…

This could all be happening right now on this planet…  no, not really!

The movie starts of the with some typical 70-ies dude with a vampire mask and some mechanical crap on his arm (that should resemble a sort of laser, but in truth, resembles one of those gypsy toys you can buy at the fair), fighting two clay made aliens, who look kinda cute and produce sounds similar to those of sheeps  during  the mating. Anyways, aliens manage to kill rampaging surfer/vampire dude, and for reasons only known to them leave the mechanical crap on the very same spot the dude has perished. Off they go to space, and it’s up to some other unfortunate fellow to stumble upon the mechanical cr… I mean LASERBLAST!!!!

Лазерный взрыв (1978. Laserblast).avi_001573655

Up next, we meet our movie’s main protagonist/antagonist  Billy Duncan, played  by Kim Milford, fairly popular during the 70-ies for his roles in bad horror flicks and musicals. He finds out that his mother is leaving for “vacation” (most likely going somewhere to whore…), which leaves him all alone, and vulnerable to bulling from all possible sources, including two “redneck” cops (from California, apparently…), of whom one is avid pothead, two retarded dudes who resemble anything but bullies, and even his girlfriend’s father, who looks like a local homeless drunk that lost his mind decades ago. It should be noted that both Billy, and his girlfriend Kathy are both your typical Californian blondes and look like they have been high on LSD during the whole shooting of the movie and beyond. Small wonder, since both of the actors, (Kim Milford and Cheryl Smith) have passed away in young age from the complications caused by substance abuse. Damnable 70-ies….

Aside, from his girlfriend, who he seems to be in good relationship with, Billy seems to be hated and bullied by everyone else. After escaping from one of those “bullying” situations that are plaguing his life, Billy finds him self in  the middle of the desert, melancholic and depressed. And that’s when he finally stumbles upon… you guess it – LASERBLAST!!! For the next couple of incredibly long and boring minutes we watch Billy as he plays with his newfound toy, waiting for him to finally find out how to use it, or shoot it, if you will… Some 15-20 mins later (or at least it felt that long) he finally, accidentally of course, finds out how the thing works, prompting it to shoot – LASERBLASTS!!! Ok, I’ll stop with that now, I promise…

Nothing special is going on as movie progresses, and if you are still awake after all this time, you might find intriguing, that during the local pool party, Billy finds the two local bullies trying to rape his girlfriend, and starts defending her fiercely. He manages to fight them off, and just when he is about to use a stool or something as a weapon, Kathy sooths him down, and pleads him to leave the scene peacefully. I mean, it’s no big deal, they only tried to rape her, right?… WRONG! – according to Kathy, at least…

That night, Billy finally embraces his dark side, putting on LASERB… ok, mechanical crap, altogether with the vampire mask. Those two are going together, I guess… He then tries to kill the two bullies we mentioned in the last paragraph, but fails only destroying their car. The “sheep” aliens are alerted that someone has used their LAS… mechanical crap, and are ordered by their leader to go on Earth and investigate, AGAIN… Local police are also alerted and, as they are prompting an investigation, we meet the government official, Tony Craig, who is presented like a hero that’s going to solve all the troubles in the matter of minutes, but yet, he manages to do absolutely nothing till the end of the movie. Epic…

images

Man it feels good having a LASERBLAST!

Alien -laser-thingy-crap starts taking Billy’s mind and soul bit by bit, as he starts the murderous rampage, killing everyone that ever did something wrong to him, even the local doctor who examined the strange anomaly that started growing in his chest, and was suspicious about it. Billy finally completely flips, when his GF Kathy (after horrendous sex scene) puts some sort of light bulb on his chest transforming him into the very same laser shooting vampire/surfer/orc-zombie dude* from the beginning. Now permanently, though… Kathy runs off screaming and Billy proceeds to destroy everything in his sight. After both redneck cops, bullies, some poor hippie and who knows who else are dead, Billy turns his attention to the city center.

Лазерный взрыв (1978. Laserblast).avi_003717630

* Vampire/surfer/orc-zombie dude

Now I must warn you – if you are in any sort of  prohibited substance abuse, this would be a good time to use it. If you are not, don’t worry, after watching the next scene, you’ll feel like you’ve been on a week long crack binge. Now, I won’t go in a unnecessary details here, as I feel my mind might just blow up remembering this scene (hence the movie tagline), but it will suffice to say that for the next 15-20 minutes you will be watching  Billy in slow motion, destroying mostly cars, soc-realistics kiosks and posts with his laser-crap, all while ravaging around like a tiny, crack filled offspring of  a Hulk, Vampire and your average surfer. Oh, you will also be listening to exactly one, high pitched note from the keyboard during the whole scene. Joy, eh?...

Now then, if you are still sane, conscious and capable of continuing, we applaud you, and you shell be awarded not two, but three questions in our upcoming “Ask Milan” column (make them as perverse as you can, please…). You will also find out that movie is about to hit it’s climax, as Billy stumbles upon Kathy and the government official, (who hasn’t done anything so far). Just as he is about to blast them, the “sheep” aliens show up out of nowhere, one of them standing on the building, towering over everyone. How nobody managed to see them remains the mystery… Anyway, the one standing on the building model shoots another laser-crap-thingie (btw, that was one of the worst stop motion animations that I have ever saw…) managing to kill Billy, and destroy LASERBLAST!!! in the process. Last scene shows Kathy crying over Billy’s corpse. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the end of it.

Now, for the sake of your mind, go outside and take a long walk, all while taking deep breaths. You’ll need it in order to free your mind from this monstrosity who’s director never filmed anything else for the remainder of his life, and who’s two main actors ended up as homeless drug addicts.

It’s also worth noting that this picture managed to do something no other movie has managed to do – unite the world in one, solitary, firmly based opinion. No matter how crappy the film is, you will always find someone that really likes it. That’s not the case with LASERBLAST!!! Everyone who ever “graced “ their eyes upon this wretchedness, agrees that it is a single most crappy made piece of shit that has ever been produced in cinema. Take from that what you will…

Milhaus

Animated version of our protagonist

Conclusion: If a scale of 1-10 is used to rate all movies, every other movie ever made must get 10/10 in order to accommodate this movie (which gets 0/10) on the same scale.

Now, let us all sing along!

The Boogeyman (1980)

Posted: 03/02/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , ,
0

Children, run for your lives!!! Your worst nightmare is coming true!!! The Boogeyman is here. He comes to you in yet another half-original slasher.  Heavy influence of John Carpenter’s 1978 “Halloween” can be noted from the very start of this movie. Also, obvious rip off of  “The Amityville Horror”  and “The Exorcist” must be mentioned.  Ulli Lommel (director of this….hm…well, half-decent B-movie slasher) didn’t even bother to hide so many similarities with above mentioned movies. But let’s start from the beginning.

The year is 1960. Peaceful, summer night. Everyone are at their homes, spending time with their families. Probably, we don’t know that for sure. But we do see light in one of the houses.  In it’s living-room to be more precise. Someone is outside. Actually, two little shadows are trying to peer in. Brother (Willy) and sister (Lacey).  They are watching their drunken mother having a foreplay with some huge, bad ass dude.  Eventually, they notice little brats. They chase them away into their bedrooms. The little boy ends up tied to his bed by huge dude. That’s what you get when you stand in your mother’s lover way. Their mother didn’t seem to be bothered by idea of some stranger tiding up her children so she continued her sex games in her bedroom. Foreplay ended up and now they plow each other like in some low-budget hardcore movie.

Meanwhile, daughter somewhere found large carving knife and used it to free her brother.  Then brother sneaked into his mother’s bedroom and used the same carving knife to massacre horny boyfriend, just in the moment when he was onto cloud nine with just as much as horny woman. Now, sister stayed in her bedroom, right? RIGHT? Which makes almost impossible for her to see this event, right? WRONG!!! She actually sees everything what happens!!! How, you may ask? Simple. It’s like she suddenly had teleported to entrance of  large bedroom.  And sees everything on the mirror which hangs of the wall opposite to bed. But that isn’t everything. A moment before he dies, large dude glimpses into the mirror and that’s it….His soul has been trapped forever by the most evil product in human’s history!!!

Untitled

This is what happens when you fuck someone’s mother!

Twenty years later, Lacey played by Suzanna Love, who is wife of  Ulli Lommel (just to mention) and Willy played by Nicholas Love receive a letter from their dying mother. Interesting thing is that they are brother and sister in real life too. Nothing like family business, don’t you think? Willy is a mute and Lacey is married. But they are still together. Anyway, the moment they receive the letter from their mother, strange things start to happen. For example, both of them are haunted by terrible nightmares in which murdered mother’s boyfriend is coming back for revenge. Also, mirrors are reflecting images from the very same night. And, things, like a knives and other tool,  start flying around like they are being captured by tornado. Everyone is suspecting Willy for those strange things, especially when you keep in mind that he hasn’t  spoken since that night, he keeps snakes and tarantulas as pets, and he has his own personal knife collection.  Is this true? Well, possibly but only in movie that make sense. This one doesn’t.

Lacey’s psychiatrist (John Carradine) suggests her visit her childhood home as a way of freeing herself from her personal demons.  Meanwhile,  back in the barn, some country girl is hitting on Willy. Muscular man who never says a word? No girl can resist that!!! Unluckily for her, all ends up by mute grabbing her by the neck, lifting her several feet in air and tossing her away like some slut. Hm, maybe he did a right thing?

Is this a proper way to treat a girl?

Following  psychiatrist’s advice, Lacey and Willy went to visit their childhood home. But that only makes the things even worse. Lacey sees some weird reflection in the mirror (which happens to be on the very same spot, even after 20 years), freaks out and bashes mirror with a chair. That’s the worst possible thing she could do. Why? I mean besides regular 7 years of misfortune… Because, evil spirit trapped in it got free, and anyone caught in reflection any of it’s pieces (?!) will die in the most ridiculous way. Like, when some kid sticks his head in a open bathroom window only to then be squished to death by the windowsill. Priceless!!!  Anyway, he would probably die if he has seen what’s in the bathroom. The first victim of Boogeyman! Lacey’s friend got herself  killed by scissors.

Bah, i just cleaned that tub!!!

Lacey’s husband for some reason takes a shards back to their home and manages to put it back together perfectly in a matter of minutes (Dafaq?). I guess he was great at puzzles back in school. But, couple of shards are still missing. One ended up in Lacey’s eye, possessing her that way.  Other one gets stuck to the bottom of Lacey’s son shoe, causing later a death of couple of innocent passers by who had absolutely nothing with anything here!!!

Gotcha!!!

Willy got his share of dark past too. But he played smarter than his sister. Instead of breaking mirror, he painted black every mirror in house. Poor guy fights with his demons quite well. But at least as scary as evil spirit are their uncle and aunt  (who took them in when they were younger). I was expecting those two to start killing rampage too. Or to die in pain!!!  Unfortunately, none of this had happened.

It seems like director had finally decided on half of a movie in which way story will go, since until then nothing interesting happened. To make long story short (I don’t want to reveal all to you; See by yourselves), other half of movie is filled with bizarre, yet ridiculous and entertaining deaths (Two teenagers died in a car while making out, Lacey’s being possessed and melting her husband’s face with just a look…), Willy’s “first word”, totally random priest  who came up from nowhere and many, many other ripped off unexplained things….

She is gonna melt you!!!

Till death do us part!!!

Conclusion: Even this movie rips off the most important horror movies of ’70s, it still didn’t help it’s performance. This movie is a cheap, unlogical, unoriginal, on a brief moments entertaining piece of crap. And that’s not everything. The very same ending left a space for sequels, which, unfortunately, had been made. The Boogeyman 2 (1983) and The Return of Boogeyman (1994) are also nothing else than a cheap, unlogical, unoriginal piece of crap, consisted mostly of footage from their previous parts and even from several completely different movies. Ulli Lommel, shame on you!!!

Plughead Rewired: Circuitry Man II (1994)

Posted: 30/01/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , ,
0

This monstrosity of a film starts with always lovely Tracy Lords aka as Dr. Norma( ironically her birth name) getting into the brain of notorious cyber criminal master-mind Priest of Pain aka Prince of Plugs aka Plughead. He cuts a deal with her which involves allowing her to have a baby (she is obviasly incapable of  bearing a child). Then the scene is cut and we’re in the prison colony where guard lady is savagely raping  prisoners one at a time!? Two strange prisoners: long haired freak and bold and retarded Shakespearean actor in love with the rock (we didn’t make this up). succeed to escape, it good portion thanks to the said rock that left one of the guards Unconscious. Other one was too busy with forced sex to could catch them in time.

In the meantime tough female cop Kyle (ex-Miss America Deborah Shelton) is interrogating romantic pleasure android aka bio-syntetic Danner Romeo in the insane asylum. He is reluctant but eventually breaks under the pressure and accepts to help her. Plughead made an underground empire for himself by selling illegal age chips (that can obviasly prolong life) to rich and influential men.Why would essentially the same people that are in power decide that Plughead needs to be stopped- well, we’ll find out… Two of them find some crazy person enjoying the virtual party and  he helps them to reach the Brazil America (?!) by means of Zen teleportation (?!!).

Meanwhile Plughead is bonding with Norma, and trying to teach her the joys of killing people by absorbing their life energy, and of course storing them into chips afterwords.

…

Cop and gigolo android successfully reach the desert of Brazil-merica but are unfortunately unprepared for unbreathable conditions there. It seems that their mission will be prematurely finished but with a help of desert mouse they found some turnip which somehow kept them breathing until they confronted some desert terrorist and stole their oxygen- (android was of course trying to make peace but hot-tempered girl shot them fast enough and saved their lives). After that they end up trapped by a crazy soldier, then band of Arabs with female leader shows up and they despite all common sense survive it all. Also tough cop is losing her clothes as the movie progresses and… yes, she’s naked now- and on top of the android that she “hated” just moments ago. Truth be told, she did give him the option of plugging in directly into her brain but he decided to plug in the old fashion way. This robot is not as idiotic as he appears to be.

Circuitry.Man.II.1994.DVDRIP.XVid-CG.avi_003515200

“I’m just a gigolo and everywhere I go, People know the part I’m playin’…”

Bunch of criminals including two escaped prisoners from the beginning of the movie are reaching Plughead headquarters- to seek job as hired goons perhaps? After they plugged out Kyle and Romeo hurry up towards the “secret” headquarters- Romeo even connects with a horse’s brain (even though he refused to do the same with humans) and overclocks the horse who starts galloping like a mad cow or something.

Konj

They finally find and confront Plughead but it turns out that it was a set up, Kyle was working for Plughead all along and he needed Romeo to extract the DNA Sequence that he hid in him long time ago. That particular sequence will somehow allow him to control everyone with chips and the whole wide world with it. We find out that the reason for Kyle’s betrayal was her mother, and her mother was here all along (a half her age) Tracy Lords! They try to explain that she is bio-syntetic that was “born” full grown but somehow that doesn’t make the plot any less idiotic.

Circuitry.Man.II.1994.DVDRIP.XVid-CG.avi_004827160   INTENSE MAN, INTENSE!

Anyway Traci tries to kill Plughead, fails and runs away, convicts start making a mess and almost get killed and in the end Romeo and Plughead have one final battle on the very edge of a final frontier- THEIR MINDS! Plughead seems all powerful but when confronted with corny romantic images of Romeo and Kyle he loses his mind and explodes thus effectively ending all hopes of world domination.Movie ends with a convict/Shakespearean actor reciting marriage vows to happy couples, long- haired convicts and Norma, Romeo and Kyle and himself and… the rock? Damn!

Circuitry.Man.II.1994.DVDRIP.XVid-CG.avi_001228160

              Idiotic cops, two character that serve absolutely no purpose in this movie!

Verdict:  This movie is labeled as a post- apocalyptic flick but it can be better described as a post- film, as it (unplanned by it’s makers) deconstructs all the known laws of film-making and distillates  all the bizarre genre elements you can think of  into an hour an half of pure unexplainable madness. 

On the other side no one plays the parts of  deranged homicidal maniacs quite like Vernon Wells, and his Plughead has all it takes to be out there with the big guys like Freddy, Jason and Meyers, unfortunately to achieve that he would need a hell of a lot better film than this one!

Raptor (2001)

Posted: 21/01/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
2

In 1993 Roger Corman produced a cash in off Jurassic Park, the infamous Carnosaur (see the previous post). As you might have guessed it was the worst imaginable rip off of the said film- with it’s sole original ideal ( terrible one at that)- combining dinosaurs with their small and simple descendants- chickens! Either way the above mentioned movie had couple of equally terrible sequels and then the franchise finally died never to return again. Or is it? In 2001 the B movie guru decided that the time was right  or another dinosaur flick so he just took the footage of his old Carnosaur film (and couple of it’s sequels) spliced it with a soft core porno scene and added Eric Roberts  (thankfully not in the porno scene).

First we have death of teenagers directly lifted from from Carosaurs. Being drunk and horny teenagers fall easy prey to the dinosaur who makes quick work of them. What is the meaning of this? We’ll find out soon enough. Sheriff , Eric Roberts is on the case, along with ugly blond chick, wildlife reserve Marshall or something. Roberts advises his young daughter (also a secretary) not to mess with the deputies and next thing you know we get something like 20 minutes of  sex out of nowhere.Young couple (including Robert’s innocent daughter of course) finally gets interrupted by a dinosaur roar! When the dude goes to check  on the situation he gets mauled by a stop motion toy dinosaur which then attacks the sexy secretary. Secretary escapes in the last possible moment but the car ends up  under the bridge.

https://www.aznude.com/mrskin/lorissamccomas/raptor/raptor-mccomas-sd-01-hi.html

Marathon sex scene (including 4 times repeated booby licking scene)

Roberts finds his porno daughter  but she is  in the state of shock and is almost comatosed (I guess we won’t see her humping other deputies any time soon). He goes to pick up the ugly blond chick- and doesn’t seem too concerned with his daughter’s condition. Meanwhile  an Evil scientist/boss sends his fledgling in the laser room (???) where he gets eaten alive by the mysterious T-Rex Aplha. Roberts investigates the evil Eunice Corporation (manufacturers of chickens by day, cloning super smart dinosaurs by night* Ironically smart dinos is the idea that was later re-used in the second part of much more successful franchise of Jurassic Park.

            Alpha T-Rex enjoys clubbing in his free time

After learning that doctors name is Dr Hyde (hell yeah!) Roberts begins to suspects something.   Ugly blond chick wakes up the porno daughter with a recording of a dinosaur roar (that she has in her possession for some reason. She explains what happened in a funny whiny voice and the doctor finds her delusional. Then blond chick gets all worked up and tries to get on top of Roberts but he decides that he would rather break into the evil corporation headquarter than plow her. But we still get to see her in her lingerie.

Black deputy decides to do some work without his fearless leather Roberts and as with any supporting character of African descent he gets ripped apart by an evil creature. He gets to wound the dino in the process so giving the circumstances we can call it a small victory. Also he is 10 years younger in that scene which suggests another borrowed scene from Carnosaur.

Ugly blond chick examines the deputy’s corpse and finds a dinosaur tooth. After that Roberts is determent more than ever to bring down the Eunice Corporation. Roberts  serves Hyde a warrant and he of course denies everything  and talks some donkey poo about us being genetically  related to cats! Blondie accuses him of cloning dinosaur a he pulls a gun at her… and Roberts being a gentleman surrenders. Hyde captures them instead of just offing them right there.  Military decides to stop him, because they first started the project and don’t want to be involved in a scandal. They call Delta Command (unfortunately without Chuck Norris).

Hmmmmm…

In the meantime the Robert’s got a ace up his sleeve. He put lady deputy/secretary in charge of shutting down the power in Eustice in the case they don’t come back in couple of hours. in the meantime Marines land of the premises all gang ho mood and  then you know the shit hit the fan. Without the electricity the cool lasers that keep dinosaurs at bay disappear and the army of super- smart dinos start destroying everything in their path, mostly marines.Commander smartly decides to simplify the mission and blow everything up.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xwxjke_raptor-elevator-scene_animals#.UP2W1fLjH-I

WARNING: DON’T USE ELEVATORS WHEN DINOSAURS ARE ON THE LOOSE!!!

Military chick tries to get a helicopter in the air but strangely there is a dinosaur on the back seat!!! Helicopter of course drops down and explodes but succeeds to kill one of the evil scientist in the process. Sheriff teams up with the Delthas and they work together to get past dinos before it’s too late. Also two of the soldiers go all genocidal on the dinosaur eggs and get the big mommy T- Rex on their feet- to make thing even worse. Evil Dr. Hyde seemingly escapes just to be decapitated by a mommy T- Rex- who experience the similar fate when Roberts jumps in to save the day with a bulldozer). Facility finally blows up, soldiers go away and Robert takes the ugly blond chick home for some gradituos sex we presume …and all is good with the world. Or is it?

Just keep hammering away and soon enough you’ll be extinct too!

Carnosaur (1993)

Posted: 17/01/2013 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
5

In 1993, just one year after the legendary Jurassic Park world famous B- Movies maestro Roger Corman had an answer for it. Adaptation of  John Brosnan’s Carosaur (although the final product shared only the title with the book and almost nothing else). Brosnan was first approached to write the screenplay by Roger Corman’s wife Julie, who formalized the deal at Brosnan’s drinking club, and drew the contract on a bar napkin to seal the deal! You know you’re getting something legendary with a start like that!

See, from a dawn of time man wanted to solve the mystery of dinosaurs. The problem is that they are extincted and bones give you only a limited pool of information. So, why not clone them? Ok, I can dig that.  But cloning them using a chickens is absolutely idiotic!!!  And that’s just what the evil corporation EUNICE (we know it’s evil since they got ‘infinite’ sign under their logo) does! Their employees drive around the trucks full of chicken. But those aren’t an ordinary chickens. No, those are MAD chickens!!! Something is clearly bothering them. Not surprising when we learn that the chairman of EUNICE is some insane old woman (interestingly the mother of the Laura Dern, the Jurassic Park actress) . During the unloading  of trucks one  mutated chicken brakes loose and starts the rampage. By breaking loose I mean on exiting it’s eggshell and attacking truck driver in orgies of blood. I believe we got the answer on question that had been troubling scientists for centuries – what is more lethal: the chicken or egg?

Escaped hatchling disappears into the desert. Local cowboy, who happens to be black (?!) finds the body of disemboweled truck driver. While investigation stands still, mutated chicken strikes again!!! This time victims are 3 drunk and horny teenagers. They were on their picnic in the desert (I guess infinite sight of sand and nothingness really turns them on). They made a quick stop on some sand hill in order to start another orgies (regular orgies this time, not in blood). While some guy and his girlfriend had their share of hot sun in the car, the third one went out to take a piss and finish his last beer (and i mean really LAST). He throws away empty beer bottle and starts emptying his hose. It turns out that the mutated chicken has been really pissed off by such negligence towards nature environment since it attacked our boy and bit off his wang. Let this be a lesson to you kids – always recycle or you could end up dickless. Mutated chicken is still hungry after previous sausage feast so it decided it’s time for main course. Yes, that’s right. Our lovers will have honor to satisfy our friend’s hunger. As it always happens to be, they got attacked on a highlight of their “socializing”. More orgies of blood, guts and some boobs. On it’s way home our pet sweetens the meal with an extra- two cops.

      ” Hello, I am  John Carl Buechler and this is  my friend, the Carosaur…”

We are back to EUNICE  quarters. It seems that chickens production is nothing else than a cover. A bad cover if I might add. Apparently EUNICE is secret government company who are also the leaders in biological research. We see secret room with a lasers and one full grown dinosaur who’s size rapidly changes from scene to scene. Dino-disco as we call it. Insane old woman apparently knows about this case even more than a her bosses from government. In the meantime police had found a bodies of teenagers and their colleagues. Blood and guts everywhere, disemboweled bodies, torned off body parts – and their main suspect is bobcat!!! How original!!! They might as well close the case.

The Prime Suspect!

Now back to killing. Despite the recent murders, a couple of hippies tied up themselves in a desert as part of their protest against nature pollution and EUNICE experiments. Of course, mutated chicken , which is now full grown dinosaur, didn’t  want to offend hippies by rejecting such an open invitation for another feast and attacks them in the worst stop motion attempt of all times!!! Those hippies will never learn.
Something is rotten in this town. We are now in cowboy’s house, when he tries to prepare his breakfast. One egg after another – all bad eggs. But not an ordinary bad eggs….these one are green and their stench is poisonous. One even had a dino- hatchling inside. One of insane woman coworkers (our main hero, btw) comes to investigate this. After series of tests he came to conclusion that he doesn’t know a shit about this so he decides to confront his boss. She told him that she developed a special virus which makes women to give a birth to dinosaurs (as can be seen in following scenes)!!!

Giving birth to a dinosaur, not an easy task!

Why then testing it on a chickens, you may ask. Beats a hell out of me if I know!!! Anyway, she claims that humans have destroyed nature order and that she just tries to restore a balance to nature. How can this be true? Dinosaurs are gone long before humans even existed. A smart person shouldn’t be this dumb. She meets her end after giving a birth after she previously infected herself. Well, that’s a dedicated scientist.
But it seems that her plan works. Women from all over the town are giving a birth to hatchlings after which they die. How did they become infected remains a mystery to me. By eating a bad eggs, perhaps? Hm, never mind that. In this moment, town has been occupated by US army, who have come to kill a chicken. Says enough about US army skills, don’t you agree?
Outside, cowboy is fighting an escaped hatchling. He got deadly wounded but manages, with his last strength, to shoot a dino in the head with his shotgun. A bloody end for the both of them. But this is not end of troubles for good people in this small town. Not by far. Remember a laser room? A genuine dinosaur (something like T-rex) had escaped by breaching a thick steel wall with it’s head (?!). Our main hero had come just in time for the final battle. He sits in a bulldozer toy. In following 10 minutes we observe a fight between bulldozer toy and dinosaur toy.

The Eternal struggle between a Dinosaur and a Bulldozer!

The winner is scientist since he managed to impale dino with buldozer forks for a several times, ending it’s existence with the most ridiculous catchphrase of all times “I hate wildlife”. He got rewarded for all of his troubles. He was firstly riddled with bullets and then torched! No good goes unpunished it seems!
Verdict:  The Government decided to destroy all evidence of the dinosaur invasion, if only they  destroyed this movie too this world would have been a happier place.  

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Posted: 30/12/2012 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , ,
0

Many of deranged people had tried to cash in birth of our Lord in many ways. But the most despicable of them all are Christmas movies, the worst Christmas tradition of all times. If you ever watched titles such as “Silent Night Deadly Night” (all parts), “Santa With Muscles”, Home Alone 3 and 4″, you’ll get the idea what i am talking about. But those movies are nothing in comparison with “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”, which is supreme and unquestionable ruler in the land of junk Christmas movies. Calling this movie a trash would represent an ultimate insult to every empty can, used product envelope and dirty diaper that has found it’s way to trash can. Also, calling this movie a Christmas movie would make Santa Claus to rage-vomit. So there you have it. I am stuck even with categorizing this nonsense. Nevertheless I’ll try to give my best in attempt to pass you experience I had while watching this.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

PLEASE GOD, NO!

Movie intro is nothing more than creepy song “Hurrah for Santa” which gives us hint of director’s insanity in the very start. The year is 196-who-cares. Existence of Santa Claus is widely acknowledged. Christmas eve is near so Santa Claus has to work like a hell if he wants to make enough toys for every child on this planet. Since his existence is no longer a secret, TV stations are announcing Santa’s visit. And we are going live to Santa’s workshop on the North Pole! There we see a lot of poor little elves working with no pause in fear of their evil master who had enslaved them. Of course, TV camera records only toys they had produced, not their misery. More workshop scenes….More unhappy elves…And here we come to grand finale – owner and soul proprietor of this cold factory of happiness. We see Santa Claus himself – an old, manically depressed drug addict, smoking the pipe which probably contains a highly suspicious ;substance. That is further proved when he is unable to remember the names of his raindeers, even calling one of them Nixon (?!). On the other hand even the Santa lives in fear of a real North Pole master- his wife! The diabolical Misses Clause is yelling instruction to everyone until she notices the camera and completely loses her shit. Santa uses the opportunity to disappear ( he’s probably sipping some Christmas punch a little early this year).

In the meantime on the planet Mars, two only two of Mars’s children (who happen to be kids of their leader) are watching TV, human TV! Thank God this was before the reality show era or we would be really in trouble. Noticing that the children are acting depressed their mom (and only female on Mars it seems) asks her husband to do something and cheer them up. He does the only logical thing- pays a visit to a 800 years old crazy man who advises him to find a Santa so the Mars children can experience the true childhood. His underling with awesome mustaches rejects his opinion but the leader is pleased and they are soon on the mission- find and capture the Santa Claus!

Don’t worry kids, nothing will ever be worse than this…

The crew which has been selected for this mission consists of leader Kimar, evil Martian with mustache named Voldar, imbecilic Martian named Dropo, and some other 2 random extraterrestrials. Despite the fact that their flying saucer has been seen by millions of people USA government still tries to cover up their visit to Earth. The fact that TV anchor somehow is getting news 5 secs after something happens doesn’t make their job easier. They even launched a counterattack which consists of 20 minutes of archive footage from WWII. We are skipping this part. We are back now to flying saucer. Interesting thing is that all instruments inside the ship are named in English language. This led us to believe that Martian and English languages are completely identical by astonishing coincidence. After they landed on Earth, they kidnapped couple of kids to help them find Santa. We are led to believe that one of the kids is female but all the evidences suggests otherwise (especially his/her unibrow). Kids pointed their way to North Pole. After landing there, Dropo secretly frees little brats after he previously was touching them. They tried to hide in cave but a man in a costume of polar bear scares them with gorilla movements and his lion roar. Eventually, two kids that are too retarded to be in orphanage, had been captured again

Meanwhile, in Santa’s workshop, Voldar storms in with his ultimate weapon – feeble minded robot named Tord,  After only 30 seconds spent alone with maniacally Santa, Tord confused himself with a toy and stopped functioning. In the background we see Misses Claus bulshitting something to her husband. Led by a motto “” If you want something to be done right, do it yourself”,  Voldar comes in, unholsters his paralyzing gun and shoots elves. Santa agrees to go to Mars just to get as far as he can from his wife. Voldar paralyzes misses Claus receiving Santa’s gratitude. They all aboard then to flying saucer. Amazing thing is that newspapers inform of Santa’s kidnapping a moment later.

After arriving to Mars, Santa gets new, improved workshop. After making a shitload of toys for a little Martian kids he gets informed that he will never be allowed to go back to Earth. Dropo starts cross-dressing as Santa (very disturbing) and gets kidnapped by Voldar who finally had enough of Christmas spirit. Also he tries to discredit Santa Clause by sabotaging his toy machine (instead of teddy bears it produces voodoo dolls). Voldar gets confused by false Santa, and then starts bitch slapping with Kimar.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

He defeats mighty Kimar, but falls a victim to little toy tanks, soap bubbles, and 4 little kids, after which he breaks down crying.  In the aftermath Dropo is pronounced the new Santa aka Santa of Mars and the original Santa heads back to Earth with kids because he is running out of time and needs to start delivering the presents ASAP. The last thing we see is an up close shoot of the moon, so it seems they run out of fuel and never made it back. It seems the Christmas will have to be canceled this year. The End.

Verdict:

HO- HO- HORRIBLE!

ZARDOZ (1974)

Posted: 27/12/2012 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0

ZARDOZ is an unexplainable film by the legendary director John Boorman (Hope and Glory, Excalibur). Yes, even though we’re talking about 70es no amounts of LSD can justify the existence of this movie! After retiring the famed agent 007 Sean Connery decided to broaden his specter as an actor- all fair and square. He stared his post-Bond career with a hard hitting police drama The Offense, and then his further artistic explorations led him to…  THIS?!

DAMN!

In the year of 2293, a post-apocalyptic Earth is inhabited mostly by the Brutals, who are ruled by the secret clan of  Eternals. Eternals use special class of Brutals, called the Exterminators, as their enforcers.The Exterminators worship their god Zardoz, a huge, flying, stone head.

Can’t argue with that.

Zed (Sean Connery), an Exterminator, apparently bored from constant raping and killing finds a way to hide within the Zardoz’s head. How he got that idea is beyond me. He shoots  and kills pilot of a giant head. It seems that Eternals are not really that eternal after all. The Zardoz head with Zed inside returns to a secret community of civilized beings called Vortex. Once in Vortex he is found and detained by two ladies (Consuella and May) using their psychic powers of course. After reading his mind Consuella advocates immediate execution of Zed, but May is fascinated citing first real contact with outside world in ages as a reason to keep him around for study. The fact that she just “saw” Zed raping a woman in Zardoz’s name doesn’t seem to be troubling her the slightest. Anyway after some time they let Zed roam free and (probably a foolish decision) show him around the Vortex. He finds that Eternals  giving their limitless life span grew bored and lost any kind of real purpose. Also men became totally impotent. He witnesses their retarded social rules that result in punishment of those who think outside the box, the punishment being artificial aging and senility that fallows it. They of course keep studying him, disgusted and fascinated by the fact that he is capable of erection different than their Vortex men…

The Great Mystery!

After extensive research May concludes that he is a second or third generation mutant and that he is mentally as well as physically superior than anyone in the Vortex and is therefore dangerous!

Zed is Da Man, deal with it!

After that Eternals gather and lead by Concuella vote to determine his fate. They give May 7 days to complete her studies before Zed is destroyed. Then they continue with their gayish hippie rituals.Next, May is hypnotizing Zed  and we are treated with number of flashback, learning  to read in the ruins of  the old world  and his realization of origin of the name Zardoz- Wizard of Oz*. So we finally know the origin of his plan! Strange but it’s an explanation.

Aha!

Unfortunately Concuella interrupts their session and decides to punish May by rapid aging! She is for some reason jealous of her cause she was held by Zeds strong and hairy arms? Maybe she does not despise brutes or sex as much as she lets on? Despite her efforts Zed escapes and causes the ruckus, succeeds in absorbing all the knowledge of  Eternals (from their artificial intelligence, The Tubernuckle) and even allows the hordes of Exterminators into the fabled city! Complete death and destruction fallows.

Concuella tries to kill him even though it’s too late to save the city but she stops and then Zed declares “you gave me  what no other gave me- love”Just like that- without any set up. Hell, she actively  tried to kill him many times- and just ’cause she is not capable to get her hands dirty it’s love? I think I need to update my definition of love ASAP! Anyway city is destroyed, most Eternals dead (including May and her friend Friend), and  minority that survived forced to join the regular “Brutals”.

Zed and Concuella as suddenly in the cave, together, rapidly aging in time- lapse until there is nothing left but  skeletons, then dust and an old revolver of Zed. The End.*

The End

Verdict- it took me approximately 48 hours  to start to function as a proper human being again after watching this film.  More side- effect will probably show themselves in time… Anyway, I  know the puling force of Sean Connery in red diapers and  knee-high leather boots is incredibly strong but maybe you should choose to save your sanity instead.

And kids- remember!

*art by bopchara

Wilhelm Scream (1951- ∞)

Posted: 22/12/2012 in Tribute
Tags: , , , , ,
0

The legendary Wilhelm Scream is an inside joke among the sound engineers and  originates from a series of sound effects recorded for the 1951 movie Distant Drums. In a scene from the film, soldier is bitten and dragged underwater by an alligator. The scream for that scene was recorded later (by actor and singer Sheb Wooley) in a single take, along with five other short pained screams, which were slated as “man getting bit by an alligator, and he screamed.” It was later re-used in many Western and Adventure films. But the greatest triumph of the Wilhelm scream was yet to come! Motion picture sound designer Ben Burtt,  discovered the original recording (which he found as a studio reel labeled “man being eaten by alligator”) and incorporated it into a scene in Star Wars ( IV: A New Hope). Burtt is also credited with naming the famous scream (after Private Wilhelm  in The Charge at Feather River). Over the next decade, Burtt  incorporated the effect in more  films that he worked on, including projects by George Lucas and  Steven Spielberg (you can find the scream in every Star Wars and Indiana Jones film). Other sound designers of course picked up on the effect soon enough , and including Wilhelm Scream became holy tradition among the sound designer community.

Sheb Wooley’s other hit, unexplainable song by the name of  “Purple People Eater”

Invasion USA (1985)

Posted: 17/12/2012 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , ,
6

Feeling of pure horror got a hold of me before movie even started, when I saw that this monstrosity is product of sinful , blasphemous, unholy union between Cannon and MGM. Like a convict to a death penalty who awaits his own execution I trembled in fever while awaiting the appearance of Chuck Norris. Of course, this kind of movie can’t exist without Aron Norris’s “colorful” script. Equation is simple here: Cannon+MGM+Norris Bros.Inc = Mental Torture. Lethal injection never seemed this tempting.

Cannon MGM logo USA

If you see this, run as far as you can, you might still have a chance!

The story is quite simple: Evil Soviet terrorists had launched full attack on USA. Mission – Conquering entire country! Start of their invasion looked like famous “Day D”; army of terrorists in a shitload of boats. After landing in middle of night, they enter hundreds of trucks. It came to our attention that no one of the authorities had raised an issue about unusual number of ice cream trucks parked at beach in the dead of the night. Soviets showed here extremely high level of patience since they conquering had consisted of destroying one house at a time using a rocket launchers. God have mercy on America. Meanwhile, in swamp of New Orleans, ex-government executioner Matt Hunter (Chuck Norris) passes his time with wrestling vs alligators.

Something like this…

He lives in nearby shack with some old Indian. Tools of repression (government’s men) found Matt there and literally begged him to return to his duty and save the USA. With the least possible emotions manifesting Chuck Norris had refused this offer. In that moment, it seemed that nothing can stop evil Soviets. Ok now, back to conquerors side. Rostov , main man in entire operation seems to got Matthunterphobia. Terrified by nightmare in which Chuck Norris rapes, kills and rapes him again, he decides to put an end to it by hunting Hunter in the stinky swamp. Epilogue of that attack was one burned shack (by rocket launcher ofc) and one dead Indian (not played by Armand Assante). After death of his longtime friend, Chuck Norris had engaged attempt to show at least some emotions… and he failed miserably. Without burying corpse of his friend, Chuck goes to bar (which was owned by the now dead Indian). After drinking himself to death he decides to avenge old man. Rostov doesn’t know what he had started. Well, he brought this on himself. Chuck wasn’t really interested in doing old US of A’s dirty work anymore. That’s what happens when you give too much credits to your dreams.

Next, the evil Soviets attack a shopping mall where all people are doing their Christmas shopping. During the attack, Hunter comes crashing in his pick-up and starts obliterating everything in his path in a style that would make Terminator jealous.  Next, Hunter tracks down the whole group that attacked the mall. He obliterates them too! Finally figuring out that something is terribly wrong, guard troops are called up and martial law is declared. Hunter of course continues to go after the terrorists, stopping their plans to bomb a church and a school bus with students and in the process, kills Rostov’s right hand man.

Chuck Norris and his pickup visit the mall, showing everyone what the Real Black Friday is!

In the sudden twist of fate, the FBI agents arrest arrest Hunter for the killing of the terrorists (?) and he is taken to the command center, where he goads Rostov (on national television none the less ) to come and kill him if he dares. Rostov then orders all the Soviets to assault the center. However, they find no one inside the center and the National Guard surrounds them… the arrest of Hunter was a trap all along! With the battle raging outside, Hunter comes face-to-face with emesis Rostov and finally kills him in a brutal fashion*. The terror crisis ends suddenly as it came to be… all thanks to one man.

Poor Rostov, if only he was smart enough to leave Chuck be  Soviets would have ruled USA and the world would be a better place!

Verdict:

The Pinnacle of Manliness

Older Entries
Newer Entries