Posts Tagged ‘Big American tits’

New Year’s Evil (1980)

Posted: 31/12/2016 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
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It is holiday season and what could be better way to celebrate it than with bloodshed? New Year is just around the corner which means many of seasonal killers are waking up from their hibernation, hungry for blood and vengeance for any demented reason they might have. And who knows, maybe this night you are going to be lucky enough to be picked for dying in the most brutal ways your twisted mind can imagine.

new-year

This MGM/Cannon offspring starts with phone talk between two friends, Diane (played by Roz Kelly) and Yvonne (played by Alicia Dhanifu). Naturally, when two women are yacking on the phone, you can’t expect any constructive conversation. And as usual, they are badmouthing Diane’s husband Richard. To be honest, Yvonne tipped him off to his wife as she had seen him wasted in Palm Springs (I really can’t blame him considering how boring is his wife). Well that was her last gossip since couple of moments later, after hanging up the phone, she ended up brutally slaughtered. Serves her right for getting involved in men’s business she doesn’t understand.

put-a-sock-in-it-or-knifePut a sock in it…or knife!

Diane is punk rock star known as Blaze and New Year’s countdown starts with her hosting Hollywood Countdown show. she seems far too old and unattractive to be hosting this kind of show and given the way she dresses and acts she seem more like she would be more at home hosting games of bingo than a music show that seems to aimed at the punk rocker set. Also she has grown son Derek (played by Grant Cramer) who practically begs for her attention. Anyway, viewers can call her live and vote for the best song.  All is going well until Diane receives a phone call from an odd sounding stranger claiming his name is Evil, who announces on live television that he going to kill someone close to her at midnight. I guess he doesn’t like songs which are presented on voting list. And he is obviously a man of his word since he butchered a nurse while having sex with her (win-win situation). He calls back Diane to inform her about keeping her promise right on Eastern Central Time and announces  when the clock strikes twelve in each time zone, a ‘Naughty Girl’ will be punished ,then the killer signs off with a threat claiming that Diane will be the last Naughty Girl to be punished. Cops informed Diane about both nurse and Yvonne and now she is scared for her life.

hot-lineHomicide hot line

While his mother is going through a living hell Derek cuts her red stockings and puts it over his face while watching her show. I don’t see the point of this scene since we know that Derek is not the killer. Face of Evil had been shown to us in previous scenes but there are some similarities between him and Derek. Maybe the director Emmett Alston wanted to give us false lead. If that is the case he shouldn’t have shown us the real killer before it. Or maybe it is not false lead after all? Anyway, our real killer turns out to be master in disguise. He puts false mustaches on his face (and that’s all, he didn’t even change the haircut or color of the hair) and goes to some club where he picks some bimbo with promise he is going to take her to wild New Year party. His plan went
wrong when she suddenly took her roommate Lisa with herself. Needing a time to improvise Evil cruised through streets while bimbo was dribbling into his ear about  self-help meditations she has been practicing. In that moment even I felt the urge to strangle her with my bare hands. Evil had done the next best thing. He pulled over his car, sent Lisa to buy Champagne and killed bimbo by putting a plastic bag over her head. And then sliced her throat (better safe than sorry). But that was not the end of it. There is still nosy roommate needed to be disposed off. So Evil creates a trail of shoes which leads to nearby secluded dumpster. Of course, Lisa follows the trail and when she approached – big surprise peek a boo, I see you!

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x56z6ke

 

As it is his habit Evil ran over to the nearest phone booth to inform Diane about his most recent achievement. Lt. Clayton (played by Chris Wallace) now can only wait for new victims hoping for killer to make a wrong move. He also follows the schedule and announces that Evil will strike again at 11 pm. And boy, was he right. Now disguised as a priest, Evil went to the local drive in theater where he unexpectedly killed some unsuspecting biker who got in his way. Beware of hand of God for it shall slice you! But the biker was not alone. Soon motorcycle band stormed in the theater which made Evil started to panic. So he quickly hijacked the car of some teenage couple who were having fun on the backseat. It seemed that the poor girl was done for especially since her
boyfriend was chucked out of the car back in theater. But she was lucky enough to take opportunity to escape when Evil went outside to have a fight with two drunken idiots he almost had run over. Boy, was his face red! Oh, Oh and the movie that was giving in drive in cinema was 1963. horror classic “Blood Feast”. See the link?

60s-slashers-are-the-best-turn-on’60s slashers are the best turn on

Evil manages to sneak into Diane’s show by killing a police officer and taking his uniform. There we find out his true identity. It is Diane’s husband – Richard (played by Kip Niven). He got Diane right where he wanted her to be – in stuck elevator (which he had previously sabotaged; no porn pun intended). He explains to her that he knows about her cheating around. Derek has told him all about that. Derek also said that his mother tried to seduce him and cut his and his father’s allowance (?) So Richard got fed up of her and Yvonne. And the reason why he killed other women is that they are all the same manipulative, selfish, materialistic whores. Hm can’t argue with that. He left Diane hanging by elevator while police cornered him in good old-fashion rooftop chase. There he decides to end his life the only way appropriate for cheesy 80s slashers – ridiculous falling off the building while wearing some kind of comedian mask. And Diane somehow managed to survive. Looks like happy ending. Or is it? You see, Derek took his father’s mask, sneaked in ambulance van his mother was in, took out paramedics leaving him alone with his mother. The end?

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x56z6zo

 

Conclusion: Overall this one doesn’t have all that much going for it. One of the many problems here is the fact that this one comes off as a bland, boring thriller which just takes so much out of the film. Premise doesn’t really hold up that much. By using a series of utterly obnoxious story lines is where that tends to fall as the different story lines really don’t make any sense. The fact that the premise isn’t really all that spectacular enough is the prime motivator here which requires a lot of excess scenes along the way to hold itself up, some of which is found by it being dragged out indefinitely with a series of endless and utterly innocuous songs of local bands that really aren’t that great.  Kip Niven thinks he’s doing this big theatrical part, but he’s too nerdy to pull it off. His body is tiny, and teeny and yet he can kill women larger than he is. He happens to be in the area where his target victims are and it gets worse: according to the movie, he didn’t plan this. New Year’s Evil ends up being one of the most lifeless, dull films that the Cannon Group ever produced. Watch it at your own risk. The fact that you’re immune to higher-quality mediocre movies just means that you have a higher tolerance for bad movies now. Thank God a sequel wasn’t made.

Bloody Birthday (1981)

Posted: 04/07/2016 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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Director Ed Hunt had had nice idea here. He had tried to explore (and exploit for that matter) one of the deepest fears of human kind – children. He probably knew that deep in our conscience we are terrified by even a slight possibility of something so pure and innocent can be evil. Unfortunately for him, at the end it was only idea with poor realization.

pomracenje

The beginning of this movie takes us back to June 9, 1970. Location: Maternity Ward in Meadowvale, California. We see an old doctor (played by Jose Ferrer) preparing to deliver babies of 3 women. He seems happy to do it despite the fact he is going to miss solar eclipse which started happening right in that moment. During that eclipse 3 babies were born; two boys and one girl. After that, fast forward to June 1, 1980. Two young people are expressing their love on the local cemetery. As a highlight of this romantic act guy takes the girl into open  grave where he intends to bone her. No such luck since he took 2 hits to his noodle with shovel when he stood up to check up some noise he was hearing. Girl wasn’t spared either as she ended up strangled with something that looks like a shoelace to me (though in the later scene Sherriff claimed it was a skipping rope). Guy went back on his feet and tried to save her but BAM… another hit of shovel finished him off. At least they died hugging each other and buried together. What will the real owner of the grave say when he finds intruders at his resting place?

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4jlfar

 

Later that night the 10 years old boy Timmy (played by K.C. Martel) sneaks into his house through the window. His sister Joyce (played by Lori Lethin) notices him but she didn’t find anything suspicions about that or his excuse of going out to feed a dog. No surprise there though, since she is into some astrological mumbo jumbo. Anyway, the next day Sherriff came by to school asking questions about last night murder. Why did him come to interrogate a bunch of 10 years old kids about some gruesome murder is beyond my reach. Oh yes, he found the part of a skipping rope. Yup it makes sense, when you think about it. That item surely couldn’t have gotten there earlier than previous night. 3 of them in the class seemed to knew something about that. The very same 3 who asked the teacher if their entire class could be excused from homework since they are having birthdays next week. The teacher cooled off them with words “Just because you are all having the same birthday doesn’t mean you are special”. No argue with that. Kids took it seemingly pretty well and went home. There, the girl Debbie (played by Elizabeth Hoy) shows an outstanding talent for pimping since she charges a quarter to Steven (played by Andrew Freeman) and Curtis (played by Billy Jayne, who you might be remembering from “Charmed” TV series) for watching her slutty sister Beverly (played by Julie Brown) through a peephole while changing her clothes. This scene sends loud and clear message that even women are encouraging pimping and prostitution overall (which is not shocking at all when you think about it).

GolotinjaPeep hole is for peeping

Any suspense about who is killer (if there were any) was cleared out 20 minutes after movie started when Debbie and her companions killed Debbie’s father Sherriff James (played by Bert Kramer) with a baseball bat in broad daylight in front of his very own house! No time like a present, I would say. Explanation was that he died by walking onto skateboard on stairs. Why no one tried to explain bruises from baseball bat? Also, that is a moment when every logic of film-making went downhill and over the cliff, falling into humiliating death. The following scene proves my words because it shows James’ funeral which took place the very same day when he was murdered. If you look closer, you can spot young Michael Dudikoff among mourners who plays Beverly’s boyfriend Willard.

Spot a ninjaSpot a ninja

Timmy saw them standing around Sherriff’s corpse which makes him the next target. Under the excuse of play-date (man this word sounds so pathetic). Curtis lures Timmy into the junkyard where he locks him up inside old fridge. After a bit of struggling Timmy manages to escape such death box (or cold grave if you will have it). He runs home and tells everything to Joyce but she wouldn’t believe him (well duh), including his confession about peeping through peephole at Debbie’s home the night of the murder. Meanwhile, Debbie and her gang are making a scrapbook of death. Another entry is going to be made. Yup, they are planning to kill their teacher Miss Davis (played by Susan Strasberg). So they steal late Sherriff’s revolver later that night. The very day next Curtis walks into teacher’s house and shoots her in cold blood. Of course, this happens in the middle of the day as well. I guess classmate are going to be excused from homework after all and none is wiser. Well, almost none. Joyce, who is teacher’s assistant, finds her dead and runs away to her home. There she finds a note from Timmy stuck onto front door in which he states that he went playing at the junkyard. But he promised he wouldn’t go there anymore! At this point it is clear even to the dumbest among you dear readers of this review that this was just a set up. And you are right! The moment Joyce had arrived at the junkyard, Steven and Curtis (dressed as a members of Ku Klux Klan for some reason) started chasing her in some old car in attempt to run over her dumb ass. As it always happens, Joyce manages to save herself by climbing onto big pile of junk, leaving two boys to crash into it. Police came up quickly but Steven and Curtis had already escaped. So still no one suspects them.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4jlfn7

 

Seems that explanation for their evil behavior lies in astrology. Joyce explained to Timmy that because they were born during the eclipse they lack conscience. How’s that, you might ask? Simple. Saturn was blocked during the eclipse and, like we all know, Saturn controls emotions. It is a scientific fact. It’s not the children to blame for. It is those damn planets moving around in their stupid orbits. As confirmation of Joyce’s words, Curtis shoots another young couple who were trying to have sex at the back of their van. In front of his house! Fit penalty for public display. Of course, no one has been woke up by gunshots from this mighty revolver so another funeral takes the place. They sure like funerals.

No public sex, kids might be watchingNo public sex, kids might be watching

It is a party time! All 3 of them are celebrating their birthdays together. One of the guests was a bit shaken by recent deaths but otherwise it is very cheerful there. Cakes are ready, looking delicious…But with one secret ingredient! Ant poison! Or it would have been if Joyce haven’t had bumped onto Curtis while he was trying to spice up the cake. She made a scene, but no one would believe her. She better have kept her mouth shut. She stopped mass poisoning. Let’s all bid Joyce a warm welcome to the hit list. But first things first. Beverly had found Debbie’s scrapbook of death. Instead to take that evidence to the police (though she did show it to her mother, who just ignored it), or at least become a bit worried about her little sister’s mental health, dumb slut burned the only evidence in fireplace. Well, not the only one. Beverly is now the only one who can link them to murders. Of course, Debbie wouldn’t miss the opportunity to remove this threat so she took care of her older sister by using a bow and arrow through peephole. Though, after this move, the only thing Debbie can do is to hang “Out of business” sign.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4jlg3t

 

Now the mystery starts to unfold. Picture of Joyce is the first entry in new scrapbook of death thus making her to be officially on the blacklist. All cards are on the table. Debbie, Steven and Curtis are openly trying to kill Joyce and Timmy wherever and whenever they can. After some chasing and gunning scenes, Steven is subdued when a bowl of water is thrown in his face, while Curtis simply runs out of bullets and gets beaten up. Only Debbie uses her brain to escape , and her mother (head still firmly inserted into her own backside) sneaks her away and flees town with her. The movie’s ending reveals that mom and daughter remain at large under different identity and that Debbie has claimed another victim, thus setting the stage for a sequel, which fortunately never
happened.

Conclusion: As I have it understood, message of this movie is following: Anyone, who has been born the same day as anyone else, is evil. And that’s not the biggest problem here. Bigger problems are executioners, who are undoubtedly the least imposing genre villains ever presented. One them possess the inhuman ability to fire a handgun that weights as much as he does. The clumsy staging of the murders is signaled from the opening scene (graveyard lovers), and blatantly lifted music from “Friday the 13th” just adds it’s contribution to negative score, save for the few sequences of nudity. Also, if you are going to put “Blood” in the title, you should probably put some in the movie too. Only a single arrow to the eye gag even registers a blip on the gore meter. Still, I find this atrocious movie worth watching because, deep inside me, I am just one bloodthirsty kid as well.

Elves (1989)

Posted: 23/05/2016 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
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This movie is a heavy crap, there is no doubt about that. But, thanks to couple of redeeming values and elements, it is a watchable crap. Sure, it doesn’t qualifies as “so bad it’s good’ flick and most of the time it isn’t even enjoyable, but still… Plot is bizarre and unusual, and that’s one of the things which are making this movie fun to watch.

Elves

As introduction into story we see 3 girls performing some kind of blood sisters ceremony in the forest. They also mention their idol anti-Christmas virgin, whatever it may be. One of them gets cut on her hand and the ceremony is interrupted. Or so it may seem. Blood has been spilled and something started emerging from the smoking ground. But our girls have already left the scene so they didn’t see what king of mess they have made. One of them, Kirsten (played by Julie Austin) went straight home just to get slapped by her German grandfather (played by Borah Silver) in wheelchairs for taking his book and going into forest. He is worried, which means he knows something. But what?

It's aliveIt’s alive!

Kirsten’s entire family seems a bit of the edge, with her psychotic young mother (played by Deanna Lund) who drowns cats in toilet seat, and her kid brother who enjoys watching his sister taking a shower and then talking about her big tits (which are not that big at all). It is not much better situation at her workplace either. She tried to release a pressure while sitting in the knee of mall Santa but that old scum not only refused to give Kirsten a present but he demanded oral as well in front of everybody (I guess Santa has his own wishes just like everyone else). Of course, the only oral he has gotten is oral sacking from his boss. Feeling rejected, perverted Santa goes to the locker room in order to sniff some cocaine. With such behavior he crossed the line (hehe cocaine – line, get it?) and ended up butchered by someone. Or something!

Children, there won't be any Christmas this yearChildren, there won’t be any Christmas this year

While police, like a bunch of morons they are, are probably suspecting some unsatisfied kid to be the killer, a new face shows up. His name is Mike McGavin (played by Dan Haggerty) and he is washed up deadbeat ex-detective. He came to the mall in search for a job. Could he crack the case? Being not discouraged by fate of the previous Santa (or out of despair) he gladly accepts job offer for a place of the new mall Santa. All hail! Santa can’t die. Only people who play him can. Anyway, chain smoking Mike finds a strange symbol on the murder scene which awakes detective in him. Tho he seems conflicted about that while saying “I am not a detective. I am Santa”. But despite everything he decides to investigate it further. Later that night, Kirsten sneaked into the mall with
her slutty friends so they could try out lingerie in peace. Mike, who now lives in the murder scene after being evicted from camp trailer (man that’s one solid rock bottom) catches them red-handed. But that’s not all the trouble they faced. While they were negotiating (Mike sneaked in there as well) a couple of guys who look like time traveling agents of Gestapo assaulted them with no explanation. And to make things worse the Elf (which more looks like a ghoul apart of pointy ears) has decided to crash into this late night party. Complete chaos emerges where no one knows who is chasing who to kill. Result: slutty friends are mutilated, while Gestapo, Kirsten and Mike managed to escape.

Outfit fit for a bimboOutfit fit for a bimbo

After visiting Kirsten’s home and seeing the same strange symbol under the Christmas Tree, Mike decides to investigate deeper the meaning of that symbol. So he visits Dr. Fitzgerald, a mad scientist, who starts babbling about elves being a fallen angels who tempered with women and stated that Nazis are just a bunch of crackpots. He sends Mike to Professor O’Conner who can give him more information about the subjects. Then Mike storms into professors’ house right in the middle of family diner. There professor explains him that there are two schools of thought about elves. Both theories sound out of this world and both of them include Nazis. Bottom line of this is that an elf is going to mate with perfect human virgin on a Christmas Eve thus creating a master race that will rule the world. Anyway, I am not going to write down entire explanation since I am feeling last traces of my sanity are dripping away just when thinking about it. If you are interested in detailed theory check out video below:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4c7osu

Meanwhile, Kirsten and her mother are having an argue back at home. Kirsten wanted to know why her mother is resenting everyone, especially her. After throwing a death of her into her mother’s face Kirsten learns about that her grandfather is also her father! Now how about that for a twist? Kirsten storms out to the study where she confronts her (grand)father. He admits that he had done that in order to control inbreeding so they could make the perfect genetic line (the origin of her little brother remains unknown to us). One thing is still not clear to me: How the hell did they manage to preserve an unconventionally handsome girl to stay a virgin for almost 20 years? Sounds as much possible as an existence of elves.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4c7mrh

As for Kirsten’s mother, after taking the burden off her chests, she decides to have one nice relaxing bath. Just in the moment when she started forgetting about her problems (yeah, inbreed is a trivial matter) the elf shows up and fries her by throwing a radio into the bathtub. Now I am not sure that this is possible at all, and even if it were, then who the fuck would place a radio right above the bathtub where it can easily trip over and kill you? What about if the earthquake occurs? Had she been thinking about the earthquake?

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4c7q0i

Mike is back and he has brought some Nazis with him as well. Remember Gestapo fellows? Well they were monitoring and following him to the Kirsten’s home. He managed to create diversion and buy himself some enough time to confront grandfather. There he learns all about inbreed in their family. There was some gibberish about anti-Christ but I couldn’t understand a word because of grandfather’s strong German accent. Ashamed of what he did he showed them how to kill an elf using a dagger made of special crystal called Elfstone. So, special crystal of elves is used to kill elves. Makes sense like anything else so far. Just in that moment Gestapo people storm into the house and another chaos emerges. This time they end up dead, together with grandfather while Kirsten yet again has managed to escape. So has the elf. He catches her on the same spot she had summoned him at the beginning of the movie which marks the start of the mating season. He really took his time which shows us that even an elves like foreplay. But creating of the master race got interrupted by strike of the crystal knife after which poor monster lost his boner, exploded and dematerialized. Still, last scene shows us a fetus which, as usual, leaves a room for a sequel. Either that, or Nazis were successful in conducting their evil master plan. So we are doomed.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4c7npg

 

Conclusion: One of the notable things about “Elves” is a lack of any kind of explanation whatsoever. Characters come and go without explanation. Acting defies explanation. The elf kills without explanation. Despite the movie title there is only one elf in it. And boy he is laughable, cheesy and plastic. The dialogue seems forced and…what else? Needs an explanation. The plot itself is bizarre and based on accounting that elves do exist. The only problem with it is that elves fucking DO NOT exist! I guess the director Jeffrey Mandel planned Dan Haggerty to be the selling point. But you just can’t expect that one half-famous actor saves the movie in which Nazis are sending one plastic elf that scoots around and can’t close his mouth to impregnate virgin on Christmas Eve. There, I said it!

Miami Connection (1987)

Posted: 19/05/2016 in Trash movies
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This movie is a stuff of legends, with it’s unlikely journey from a complete  obscurity to the incredible worldwide wide success- and it took just 25 years to do it! You see, the story starts with the young but ambitious Young Kun Kim (김영군), who emigrated from Korea to United States and managed to make a  life for himself becoming a well known and well respected  Taekwondo instructor. At some point during a radio show somebody suggested that a good way to promote his school would be to produce and star in an action movie (it was the 80’s so this logic kinda makes sense).

miamiconnection_poster-final__small

Kim happily accepted the challenge and decided to film in his local area of Florida using mostly a crew of his friends and colleagues (with no real experience in film business of course). Now, what they lacked in expertise they sure made up with their sheer enthusiasm and unique vision. How unique, well listen to this…

Biker by day, Ninjas by night!

Enter the ninjas, on motorbikes, stealing cocaine from the local gangsters! Just to sell it themselves. You sure won’t find this anywhere else.  Then we cut to the local club that presents “the new dimension in rock’n’roll” synth rock band Dragon Sound. But there is more to the  band than what meets the eye, they are Martial Art training orphan highschoolers (even thou some of them are obviously pushing 40). Unfortunately one of the tugs, evil biker ninjas spots his sister Jane singing with the band. He gets extremely jealous for some reason and starts a fight with her boyfriend John, a dumb, tall bass player. That doesn’t stop them from performing again that same night, including a prophetic song “Against the Ninja”.

That seems to be the last straw because bikers/ninjas follow them that night after the show and ambush them. Outnumbered Dragon Sound unleash and show the fact that they are Martial Art masters! Then we get to the fantastic subplot of Maurice Smith looking for his long lost father. After supporting their best friend Dragon Sound gets to other important business like partying on the beach and working out. They also take time to plot a world tour spanning all of their homelands (so from Korea to Ireland to Israel- what a tour).

Miami Connection.mp4_002184200This scene goes on for way too long!

The band helps out a local Korean restaurant owner- who had some problems with the tugs (don’t we all)  but then they get officially challenged by the Ninja Bikers. Jane tries to plead with her brother but to no avail- he’s just too evil (but I knew that already- just look at that beard).  I also get the feeling that the next scene, presenting the full biker gang was filmed entirely on the local Biker gathering, less than 2% of guys and gals look like they are acting.

Miami Connection.mp4_003207680

The showdown finally becomes imminent when the gang kidnaps the Dragon Sound mastermind/ guitar player Tom. That was the last drop and the peaceful Martial Artist/Musician/ Students finally transform into deadly killing machines. Under the cover of night they organize a raid on the gang (you can say they out-ninjad the ninjas).

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4bjb0w

 

Even thou they killed Jane’s brother everyone seems pretty happy now. But no one is happier than the Jim who finally found HIS FATHER!  After seeing Maurice Smith’s performance here I sure know why people used word gay for someone who’s really, really happy.

Unfortunately the luck doesn’t last and on their way to pick up Jim’s father they are ambushed by Ninjas on the motorbikes. Their leader wearing a White Ninja outfit proves especially cruel and difficult.

After barely surviving the wound Jim finally reunites with his father’s who’s strangely the same age as he is (but with his hair whited out) and all is finally well in Miami. We are left with this inspiring message from YK Kim to top it off- and it’s literally cherry on the cake of whole experience. Remember this kids…

Miami Connection.mp4_004839840Unfortunately the only way to eliminate the violence is with more violence!

Verdict: Unintentional comedy mixed with genuine and innocent emotions of the “actors”, crazy Martial Arts choreography and violence and Musical elements to top it off guaranties that there will never be another movie quite like this one.

I can understand why no distributor wanted to touch this movie back in the day but man, it would have been a shame if programmer at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema didn’t find the reels of Miami Connection on Ebay. World would have been a much duller place without Miami Connection in it. And now that the movie is bona fide hit isn’t it a time for that world tour they talked about so much. I mean the guys (and a girl) can still play, so what’s stopping them? It would make a great TV mini series, that’s for sure.

Murder Weapon (1989)

Posted: 11/04/2016 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
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We are back to the good old ’80s slashers (personally my favorite genre). We just can’t say no to cheesiness, gore and a lots of tits. Especially when it is about two demented hot chicks having a party and one of them is the screams queen Linnea Quigley. Another interesting fact about this creatively titled movie is that it had been made when slasher  craze was going out of style. So let’s see where this leads to.

Murder-Weapon-1989

The movie starts with a wordless, pointless 10-minutes intro which actually made me wonder if the filmmakers couldn’t afford sound equipment. During this intro we see a hot brunette oiling herself near the pool for entire five minutes, then leaving to the room to have sex with her boyfriend, just to be assaulted by teenage blonde girl after her boyfriend left and went to have a shower. And yeah, he was killed by blonde under a shower in another sex scene.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7xmm66

It turned out this scene was a memory flashback (just the first of many) of blonde girl. Her name is Dawn (played by Linnea Quigley) and she was committed to asylum for many years. Now she is having a conversation with her shrink about her releasing. There we find out that she was touched by her mobster father when she was a little girl, that she made a deal with Amy, who also ended up in nuthouse after her boyfriend was killed by Dawn, that whoever gets out first is going to throw a party when the other one comes out. Now, the shrink is obviously a pervert which helped Dawn to achieve her wish of becoming party organizer by blackmailing a not-so-good-doctor with a sex tape. Yup, doc actually didn’t have much care about professional ethic  since he had Dawn molested during their hypnosis séances. Not much after, Amy (played by Karen Russell) had also managed to “convince” Dr. Randolph (played by Lyle Waggoner) to sign her release form. It occurs to me that Amy wasn’t quite the victim in gruesome crime Dawn had committed since she holds hatred for men as well and she is obviously a feminist (though, I have never seen anything even remotely to hot feminist chick). Oh, and Amy is daughter of mobster as well. Anyway, both Dawn and Amy have finally gotten out of nuthouse which means it is a party time!

Seriously, a feministSeriously, a feminist?

And what kind of girly party it would have been if there weren’t for a boys? Dawn and Amy had invited all of their ex-boyfriends. Now think about it. Two certified crackpots who hold a grudge towards men are throwing a party for themselves and inviting their ex-boyfriends? Call me paranoid but it seems to me that there is something more to it. Something sinister. Muahahahaha. Man, who would be dumb enough to attend such event? Well, I guess we are going to find out that soon. First ones to come were Cary, Kevin, Jeff, and Billy. They were all at some point in the past in relationship with either Amy or Dawn. Cary (played by Allen First) was first to reignite the flames of old love. He displayed a remarkable lack of any male dignity since he jumped immediately to shave Amy’s legs during which she dreamed about cutting his veins. At least it wasn’t without purpose. Yup, he managed to score and pass out of exhaustion after that act. Amy’s comment when she found Cary laying on the floor was “Shit, I think I fucked him to death”. Not many such modest girls these days.

 

He forgot to shave his wrists

Meanwhile, Dawn and Jeff (played by none other than Eric Freeman from Silent Night Deadly Night 2; although he was credited under a different name Damon Charles) are having their own exhibition in Jeff’s car. Dawn had no problem with fucking with him in convertible but backed out after Jeff (who is Richard Grieco wanna be) asked to perform the blowjob. We can see some nice pair of tits here as well. Back inside Billy (played by Richard Sebastian), after following a trail of Amy’s flirtatious look, ended up in the basement with his head smashed by sledgehammer in this hilarious scene:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6jTS3hQ-vY

He is got PHD – Pounded Head Down

Who could have done such a horrible thing? Was it Eric (played by Michael Jakobs Jr.) who was seen arriving at party moments before Billy’s head was flatted to the ground? I wouldn’t place my bet on him. He is just a pathetic overconfident singer of metal band with a retarded name “Chainsaws”. And he is also one of the Amy’s ex-boyfriends. Just like Cary (who btw went to recharge himself with a dose of good old speed), he hurried up to reignite the old flames. But we won’t be seeing any sex scene between them. What we will see is a sex between Dawn and her friend Bart (played by Rodger Burt) who died instantly after in a Alien related scene for which I have absolutely no explanation.

I guess she learned in asylum how to tie a knotI guess she learned in asylum how to tie a knot

Now the killing spree is starting. Next victim is poor Cary who just wanted to have some late night snack. But instead of food, someone had his throat stuffed with a broken bottle of Champaign. From behind. Hm at least he doesn’t need to worry about dangers of drugs using anymore.

narkoman

Jeff and Kevin (played by Stephen Steward) have found Cary’s body. Forgetting their roles of tough guys they started to panic and make a wild assumptions about being targeted by mob hitmans. They even assumed that the murderer had already cut phone lines without even trying to call a cops. Instead they went to one of the cars in which they found a gun. Just when it seemed that lady luck has finally smiled upon them Jeff somehow had transformed himself into the mannequin a moment before the murderer had blown his head in another ridiculous scene.

Masks started to fall off

Kevin decides to team up with Eric (not Freeman) and Amy in order to stop the killer. Well, it is not that he had much of a choice. They finally started suspecting who might be the killer. The Final confrontation took a place where it all had begun – in the basement. Two bulked up guys with guns barely managed to overpower tiny girl with the help of Amy who previously splashed the killer with gasoline. The ending then is written by itself. Or is it? Kevin approached the steaming corpse and removed a mask from it’s head. Scorched face of Dawn appears, she opens her eyes and starts choking Kevin. And that’s the ending that leaves a plenty of room for a sequel. Which luckily never happened.

If you see this girl run for your lifeIf you see this girl run for your life!

Conclusion: From the movie in which the killer was the most suspicious person from the beginning and half of it’s crew used fake names (even the director David DeCoetau used strange alias Ellen Cabot) you can’t expect much of a quality. Dialogues are hilarious. Plot attempts to be deceiving with frequent flashbacks like it wasn’t so damn clear who is the murderer. I can’t help the feeling that the hidden message here is some feminist crap about girls power and all men being a pigs (which I am proud of). That’s probably the reason why director took a girly name as his alias. More likely the message is that pussy is the  MURDER WEAPON. But it is not everything that bad. Yes, the movie is a complete piece of trash, we could all agree on that. But it is also very entertaining flick, consisted of all slasher elements such as nudity, sex, gore and cheesiness. Worth watching.

The Lost Empire (1984)

Posted: 03/12/2015 in Trash movies
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lostempire

The movie stays with a very ditzy blonde trying to buy some (Lemurian?) jewelry from the ancient Chinese man Unfortunately they get interrupted by a strange group of ninjas. Cops show up in a record time but unfortunately they don’t train them for the power of Ninjutsu. On the other hand Ninjas seem to be incredibly stationary and even though the kill of some of the cops they end up shot more than a few times. Next we cut to a badass biker cop Angel who dispatches a group of kidnappers- in a school none the less. She also saves a colleague, a mustached agent who’s obviously great with the ladies ’cause they end up in bed in 5 minutes flat.

6-20-2015 5-19-02 PMDo you surrender?

Unfortunately their bliss is interrupted by the call from the hospital. It turns our her brother Rob is on his death’s bed. He was one of the cops who tried to stop Ninjas in the beginning. She vows to gets her revenge on the ninjas and their master who turns out to be a mysterious Doctor Sin Do, supposedly in league with an evil wizard called (I love this name) Lee Chuck. She chooses her team to infiltrate the island (an obvious reference to Enter The Dragon) and it’s none other than two deadly and beautiful woman.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3gqmcy

Her first choice is a Native American warrior for justice called Whitestar (played by non- other but Raven De La Croix, legendary Russ Meyer diva)

2273338,e3WeiYYAlv5ws2FKMHjMXZ52z1nJvV3Gml4MUhmmvozleZbNMo2Twcx4w705Be_M5SVRZfbygdPtjjX03_rQcg==Looks kinda like young Cher, only better…

. Her second choice is equally intriguing- a convict (that Angel caught herself) called Melanie who obviously enjoys some mud-wresting. Now we have the team rivaling The Charie’s Angels, don’t we?

lostempire6

All three of them survive rigorous tests and are finally granted entrance to the island. Once there they expect them to prepare and then compete in a deadly martial arts tournaments.

The Lost Empire (1984) Watch Movies Online Free.mp4_002576680All procedures must be preformed topless!

They try to uncover the plot by breaking in during the night time but they barely escape. In fact they leave some poor kidnapped girl to her destiny not to blow their cover (man these girls are cold). In the meantime mustached man finds the jewels Ninjas we’re after the whole time. Unfortunately he decides to break into the island- the hard way and fails epically. Sin Du is enchanted and invites Whitestar for a dinner- that turns out into a quite bizarre ritual (with lights, ropes and a snake too).

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3gr0dj_ravenlostempire_fun

He leaves her for death and concentrates on Angel, trying to make her kill her beloved… and gloating at the same time, finally holding his magical jewles. Unfortunately for him two of them turn agains him and lead more of candidates against his army and the awesome battle ensues. Whitestar also menages to free herself and kick some ass. It turns out that Sin Do is non other than Lee CHuck… and Lee Chuck is none other than… a Skeleton!!!
slika skeletora

When all seems lost for him Sin Do unleashes the weapon of ultimate destruction- A GIANT METALLIC PENIS!

CosmicCannon

Penis starts destroying everything in it’s path but the only girl who dies is the poor girl they kept kidnapped. It turns out Whitestar can drive a helicopter so our heroes menage to escape just in time as evil island explodes to kingdom come.

http://rutube.ru/video/dc0b17ce2e46f65815eb2d757be49e6e/

Now that’s a finale!!!

 

Verdict: Jim Wynorski is (straight outta gate) almost a perfect fusion of Andy Sidaris and Russ Meyer, featuring as many incredibly cheese action scenes with as much voluptuous beauties he can fit in the frame. Basically he is doing what every B-movie filmmaker should do, not overthinking things but giving us a fun ride for all the money.

Trivia #01 This movie came to be because Henry Plitt, the owner of Plitt Theatres (also a decorated war hero) wanted to make a low budget SF picture as a tax loss. He never shared that information with young Wynorski who gave it it’s all.  It all worked out for the best ’cause Wynorski continued on his path and has recently filmed his 100th movie.

Trivia #02 The last henchman dispatched in the finale is none other than Blackie Dammett also known by his birth name John Michael Kiedis, the father of Anthony Kiedis, the frontman of the Red Hot Chilly Peppers! You weren’t expecting that, did you?

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Howling 2: Werewolf Bitch aka Your Sister is a Werewolf! (1985)

Posted: 30/07/2015 in Trash movies, Tribute
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
2

It is time that we honor the recently deceased legend that is Sir. Christopher Lee. Of course we will leave the beautiful and touching tributes to other people much better than ourselves- we’ll honor him in our own unique- twisted way. By reviewing the movie he was most ashamed of and publicly apologized for in numerous occasions- Howling 2!

Chistopher Lee SpaceChristopher Lee reading Bible in Space! This intro kicks so much ass-unfortunately the movie doesn’t!

The movie starts right after the end of the original with Ben, previously unmentioned brother of the deceased journalist Karen White facing the fact that something was not quite right with the way she died.The occult detective Stefan Crosscoe pays him the visit and even thou there’s extensive video evidence he refuses to believe his sister was a werewolf. In the end it takes a werewolf resurrection of Karen to convince him otherwise.Also we learn that only titanium can kill a werewolf? That’s something new.

Watch Howling II Your Sister Is a Werewolf Online Free Putlo.mp4_002171695 Remember this scene, this won’t be the last time you see it…

 It turns out that there’s a werewolf uprising caused by the waking up of their Witch queen Stirba played by non other but B-movie sex symbol Sybil Danning.  Ben, Kelly and Stefan ( Christopher Lee) decide to do the only logical thing- hitch a ride to Transylvania and stop the incoming treat. For some reason this movie mixes up werewolf, vampire and witch myths.

Stirba also likes werewolf threesomes when time permits

Strangely enough the three of them pretty much lose track of one another once they reach the town. I they couldn’t resist the local Gypsy celebration (that lasted their whole visit). In the end Ben menages to track down the Stirba cult to the haunted castle but his would- be girlfriend Jenny ends up being captured. We’re also treated with a head exploding dwarf ’cause Stirba’s power knows no limit. Ben survives her spell by using holly (blessed by a local priest) ear- plugs!

head explode

Although she summons all of her werewolf forces Stefan, Ben and the villagers menage to reach the castle. Couple of villagers lose their lives but that is to be expected. When a Village priest confronts Stirba she menages to disfigure him using his stick with a demon- bat (nifty little thing) but Stefan continues on. She uses all of her sorcery on him but Lee is adamant. Her thrust a stake in her stomach “in the name of God” and then they strangely burn out together. I guess Lee had no reason to live after he finished her off?

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2zsznh

Ben and Kelly on the other hand run as far away from Transylvania  as they can and after a while they finally settle together in the States. Then a trick-or-treater dressed as a werewolf shows up on their  t doorstep and we have to presume that their problems are still far from over.
Trivia 1: When Christopher Lee was cast in Gremlins 2: The New Batch, the first things he did was apologize to the director Joe Dante (who directed the original Howling) for being in this film.As far as we know apology was  accepted.Howling 2

Trivia 2: The music for the movie was provided by little known new wave band called Babel that also plays the title song “The Howling” in the movie. The members of the band would later form a new band State Project and their keyboardist Simon Etchell continued his music career by composing the themes for UK TV show Catchphrase as well as many other TV tunes and soundtrack like the one for the movie Vanished.

Now let us enjoy the title/ end credits song (with record 17 time repeated scene of Sybil Daning ripping her shirt off to reveal her breasts)

The Bikini Carwash Company 2 (1993)

Posted: 10/03/2014 in Trash movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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Ever wondered what it would be like if an entire company has been led by women only? I know I was. We probably get the same picture in our heads: cushions  and make up everywhere, bankruptcy after the first job, walls decorated with Hello Kitty gibberish, astronomical telephone bills, complete lack of infrastructure and any item that could be even considered as useful, starving employees dragging on the floor looking for a spot to die… That looks real pretty much. But this movie tries to show us funny side of women management. Not that funny I hoped it would be…

Limo serviceLimo service…

We get adult situation on the very start of the movie. Boss of carwash company Melissa (played by Kristi Ducati) is making out on the backseat of her limo.  It turns out that their business from the first movie has been a huge success and a purchase contract has been signed with an international corporation  Interglobal Industries. CEO of that company Sanders (played by Larry de Russy) promises to Melissa (while he is crossing his fingers behind his back – very  typical for heartless financial shark)  that she is going to have full control over Bikini Carwash Company. Also, 3 more hot chicks who are in charge of  company are there – Amy (played by Rikki Brando), Sunny (played by Suzanne Browne) and Rita (played by Neriah Napaul). We can tell from the first look at  them that entire company is consisted of dumb bimbos, who just want to have fun and who are making such remarks as “two million dollars are twice as much as one million dollars, right?”, etc. Suspecting nothing they decide to celebrate signing the contract by dancing naked and spilling alcohol on themselves.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1g2zn0

Seems like waste of alcohol to me.

But their celebration is a short lived. It seems that Sanders is not such as good boss as they thought he is. During the board meeting, when Sanders freaks  out at his secretary because his glass of water was empty, Melissa did some eavesdropping and learned about his real plans. It turns out that Sanders is  interested only in carwash land which is worth more than Carwash Company itself. Of course, for mere two million dollars they are going to buy that land and
build condos on it. Melissa storms in yelling “How could you do this to me, Mr Sanders” at him with her irritating bimbo voice. Although she has been offered to stay as a boss of new project, Melissa resents the idea of her life work (and underwear for that matter) being torn down with bulldozers. Obviously  pissed off by her remark made to his open flier, Sanders adds that he doesn’t negotiate with bimbos. Aside how big jerk he is the guy got the point there.

When crysis is up girls do what they know best When crisis is up girls do what they know best!

Melissa tries to save things by attempting to seduce Sanders right in his office but he has seen through her. Although he agrees to sell back company to her  10 million dollars. But since she is tried to seduce him he offers to reduce the price for every part of Melissa’s lingerie that hits his carpet. While  stripping for Sanders, Melissa drops the same article of clothing twice. I don’t know if anyone other had noticed this goof. So we come to price of 4 million dollars. It would have been 2 million dollars but Melissa refused to screw him. I don’t know why… Many, many, many other girls parted their legs for much,  much, much less amount of money. So it comes to this: Sanders agrees to sell them company back if they come up with 4 million dollars until Friday. And  Melissa recorded this promise on a tape recorder, just in case it comes to a court of law. But lowering the price wasn’t the only result of Melissa’s  stripping. She also got herself and other girls fired. So, with Bikini Carwash Company out of business and only 4 days left until Friday they need to come up with a new plan for earning money. And don’t miss Sanders’ sinister laugh after Melissa leaves his office. It makes him to look more evil.

The oldest trick(s) in the bookThe oldest trick(s) in the book.

Melissa comes up with the plan of selling lingerie on TV where she and her girls will be models. But they need to takeover The Miracle Network for a week  which got national and satellite frequency in order for their plan to work. And how they are going to do that? With their powers of seduction and with help  of the only person in company who actually got some brains. That person is Melissa’s assistant Derek (played by Greg Raye), a nerdy looking man who’s glasses get fogged whenever he sees naked breasts. Derek always wanted to be TV producer so choosing him seems to make sense. Oh he is done his part of seduction too, when they came to one of TMN’s bosses who is a hot, nerdy looking woman. Interesting thing is that one cameraman looks like former Serbian minister of  police department Dragan Jocic. Hm, makes you think. So, taking over is complete and countdown until Friday may begin.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1g2zmc

Now that’s management!

Selling isn’t going as good as they hoped. Melissa realizes that they are not as tempting on TV as they are in real life. To me it seems that it has  something to do with the fact that they look like retarded orangutans while they are dancing in underwear in their commercials. What is the solution then?  Simple. Sex sells. Melissa decides to strike right at couples who need some fire in their relationship/marriage. Of course, according to them, lack of fire  is caused by not enough sexy lingerie. So, Melissa goes for back up… One of her employees, hot blonde Cindy (played by Melissa Barrick) is the perfect  person for dirty commercials.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1g2znc

The only reasonable way to assure business success.

BOOM!!! Sales is through the roof suddenly!!! Every couple wants (at least male part) special lingerie that will get dousers back to their trousers. Sanders starts to be worried so decides to get himself a spy. Which one of Melissa’s girls will have that honor? Of course dumbest (and probably the hottest) one  among them – Sunny. He managed to get her to his side by appealing to her vanity. Also, he chucked in a diamond ring and brand new house in offer. It worked, of course. You can’t go wrong with materialistic things when you need to win over a girl. Even if you need her just to betray her friends. Hell, betraying a  friends is a small price for having expensive ring on her hand and place where she can mate. So, in the next day Sunny was busy with writing down all rules  that girls have broken in their commercials and sending them to Sanders. Just in time when Marshall (played by Garro Ellis) from the FCA (Federal  Communications Administration) arrived to check what is going on National TV. You can see his reaction below.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1g33ii

This man dislikes smut!

As you have already guessed Amy (who is lawyer of Bikini Carwash Company) seduced Marshall and he gave them some bonus time. The rest is just cliché fill  up. Melissa discovers that Sunny betrayed her (and forgave her for that matter), girls engage more hardcore features in their commercials while screwing on  and off camera, managing to earn more than 4 million dollars until Friday which board, consisted of old men, was happy to return to them, Sanders gets fired, etc… Happy end, more bimbos screwing around and breaking “Emergency condoms” glass every fucking 2.5 minutes.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1g2zgt

Even a nerd can score…

Conclusion: This is a cute story about bunch of sluts who try to save their half-ass company so that they wouldn’t need to do some actual work. I don’t even  want to comment acting since there is none in this SMUUUUUUUT! garbage. It would be much better movie if there weren’t shameful jingles done by A.Z.R.O. group inserted whenever screenwriters had a blackout. In short, first part was much better. It got some meaning after all. This is just SMUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!

Raptor (2001)

Posted: 21/01/2013 in Trash movies
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In 1993 Roger Corman produced a cash in off Jurassic Park, the infamous Carnosaur (see the previous post). As you might have guessed it was the worst imaginable rip off of the said film- with it’s sole original ideal ( terrible one at that)- combining dinosaurs with their small and simple descendants- chickens! Either way the above mentioned movie had couple of equally terrible sequels and then the franchise finally died never to return again. Or is it? In 2001 the B movie guru decided that the time was right  or another dinosaur flick so he just took the footage of his old Carnosaur film (and couple of it’s sequels) spliced it with a soft core porno scene and added Eric Roberts  (thankfully not in the porno scene).

First we have death of teenagers directly lifted from from Carosaurs. Being drunk and horny teenagers fall easy prey to the dinosaur who makes quick work of them. What is the meaning of this? We’ll find out soon enough. Sheriff , Eric Roberts is on the case, along with ugly blond chick, wildlife reserve Marshall or something. Roberts advises his young daughter (also a secretary) not to mess with the deputies and next thing you know we get something like 20 minutes of  sex out of nowhere.Young couple (including Robert’s innocent daughter of course) finally gets interrupted by a dinosaur roar! When the dude goes to check  on the situation he gets mauled by a stop motion toy dinosaur which then attacks the sexy secretary. Secretary escapes in the last possible moment but the car ends up  under the bridge.

https://www.aznude.com/mrskin/lorissamccomas/raptor/raptor-mccomas-sd-01-hi.html

Marathon sex scene (including 4 times repeated booby licking scene)

Roberts finds his porno daughter  but she is  in the state of shock and is almost comatosed (I guess we won’t see her humping other deputies any time soon). He goes to pick up the ugly blond chick- and doesn’t seem too concerned with his daughter’s condition. Meanwhile  an Evil scientist/boss sends his fledgling in the laser room (???) where he gets eaten alive by the mysterious T-Rex Aplha. Roberts investigates the evil Eunice Corporation (manufacturers of chickens by day, cloning super smart dinosaurs by night* Ironically smart dinos is the idea that was later re-used in the second part of much more successful franchise of Jurassic Park.

            Alpha T-Rex enjoys clubbing in his free time

After learning that doctors name is Dr Hyde (hell yeah!) Roberts begins to suspects something.   Ugly blond chick wakes up the porno daughter with a recording of a dinosaur roar (that she has in her possession for some reason. She explains what happened in a funny whiny voice and the doctor finds her delusional. Then blond chick gets all worked up and tries to get on top of Roberts but he decides that he would rather break into the evil corporation headquarter than plow her. But we still get to see her in her lingerie.

Black deputy decides to do some work without his fearless leather Roberts and as with any supporting character of African descent he gets ripped apart by an evil creature. He gets to wound the dino in the process so giving the circumstances we can call it a small victory. Also he is 10 years younger in that scene which suggests another borrowed scene from Carnosaur.

Ugly blond chick examines the deputy’s corpse and finds a dinosaur tooth. After that Roberts is determent more than ever to bring down the Eunice Corporation. Roberts  serves Hyde a warrant and he of course denies everything  and talks some donkey poo about us being genetically  related to cats! Blondie accuses him of cloning dinosaur a he pulls a gun at her… and Roberts being a gentleman surrenders. Hyde captures them instead of just offing them right there.  Military decides to stop him, because they first started the project and don’t want to be involved in a scandal. They call Delta Command (unfortunately without Chuck Norris).

Hmmmmm…

In the meantime the Robert’s got a ace up his sleeve. He put lady deputy/secretary in charge of shutting down the power in Eustice in the case they don’t come back in couple of hours. in the meantime Marines land of the premises all gang ho mood and  then you know the shit hit the fan. Without the electricity the cool lasers that keep dinosaurs at bay disappear and the army of super- smart dinos start destroying everything in their path, mostly marines.Commander smartly decides to simplify the mission and blow everything up.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xwxjke_raptor-elevator-scene_animals#.UP2W1fLjH-I

WARNING: DON’T USE ELEVATORS WHEN DINOSAURS ARE ON THE LOOSE!!!

Military chick tries to get a helicopter in the air but strangely there is a dinosaur on the back seat!!! Helicopter of course drops down and explodes but succeeds to kill one of the evil scientist in the process. Sheriff teams up with the Delthas and they work together to get past dinos before it’s too late. Also two of the soldiers go all genocidal on the dinosaur eggs and get the big mommy T- Rex on their feet- to make thing even worse. Evil Dr. Hyde seemingly escapes just to be decapitated by a mommy T- Rex- who experience the similar fate when Roberts jumps in to save the day with a bulldozer). Facility finally blows up, soldiers go away and Robert takes the ugly blond chick home for some gradituos sex we presume …and all is good with the world. Or is it?

Just keep hammering away and soon enough you’ll be extinct too!

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